Insecure vs Confident Parenting

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Today's episode is all about the difference between parenting from fear and parenting with confidence. And some of you may not even realize that some of your parenting techniques are actually based in fear. If you're a parent that's worried a lot, did you know that worry is actually driven by fear? So there might be some underlying stuff going on or some deep stuff that maybe you're just not really paying attention to.

But when we're parenting from fear, we're actually causing more anxiety in our kids. And so it's unintentional. It's repairable. And you can actually deal with and overcome that and become that confident leader that I say your kids crave you to be.

So stay tuned. I'm going to give you 15 ways that fear or worry show up in parenting. And then I'm going to give you 15 ways that confidence shows up in your parenting. And then at the end of the episode, I'm going to make my big announcement of a free resource that's going to be coming out to you September 20th of this year, 2022.

So stay tuned. okay so without this sounding too doom and gloom you guys i want you to just listen and i'm going to go through each of these 15 ways that fear shows up in our parenting and i don't like i said i don't want it to be doom and gloom it's just a fact of life right these things show up and when they do they're signals to us that we're parenting from fear did you know that worry is driven by fear, worry's roots are actually insecurity and insecurity is driven by fear.

But concern, the opposite of that concern is driven by care, right? Concern's roots are based in confidence. So let's get started with the things that we do as a parent that tell us that we are being worried or we have some insecurities that we need to pay attention to. Number one, and these are in no particular order, okay?

But number one, we rescue and we hover. We don't want our kids to feel the discomfort of their actions, so we try to make it better for them and we rescue and hover them. Number two, we're influenced by others. Even though our gut is telling us we need to do something or not do something for our child, oftentimes we're easily influenced by what somebody else might say or try to convince us is better or more right for our child, even though our gut, our intuition is telling us otherwise.

Number three, peer pressure. And this can seem the same as being influenced by others. Sometimes the influence by others isn't actually peer pressure. It's just, oh, look what they're doing.

I should probably do that because in my mind, they're the ideal parent. Or they have a better status than I do. So that must be what I need to do with my kids. Peer pressure is when you're actually kind of getting like hounded by your peers.

and like looked at and told by your peers that, you know, everybody's doing it this way. So we should, this is what I need to do. Okay. So there's a difference between being influenced by others and actually peer pressure, you know, well, of course you better go to this birthday party.

Of course, you better sign your kid up for this event or this thing because, you know, everybody's doing it. It's so high school, but we do this as parents. It's, it's, it's kind of silly, but we do. number four being inconsistent one day you're telling your kids they can't do something or they shouldn't do something the next day you're like oh well I'm tired and so go ahead do you know whatever whatever you need to do again as I list all of these things I'm not going to be able to have time to go into detail and there's so many examples so I would never be able to cover them all just be paying attention to the things that I'm saying so that you can think about where what how it applies to you and when you might be doing this or if you're doing this number five giving in kind of like being inconsistent right one day you say they can't the next day you say they can because you're tired so wavering and and going back and forth on your word number six rationalizing well my kid did this because and there's some sort of an excuse or i did this because and so you start to rationalize your behavior and or your child's behavior number seven convincing so you're convincing your kid why they need to do something or why it's good for them to do something or why they shouldn't be able to do something and sometimes we're even convincing ourselves that it's the best thing so convincing is another example of insecurity explaining

now after you give your child maybe a consequence you might explain why they did what they did was wrong and why they need to do what you want them to do too much explaining is going on these days And that actually can be a sign of insecurity and create insecurity in your kids. Number nine, defending. Defending yourself. There's oftentimes no reason to get in a battle with your kids and defend your decisions or defend your boundaries or your rules.

But also defending yourself to others or defending your child's behavior to others. So that can be a sign. Number ten, resisting. resisting and resistance are big signs of insecurity you're protecting yourself in some way shape or form and that's likely based in fear so think about what things you're resisting again there's a bazillion of them so I can't go into all of them in this episode but what are you resisting and are you typically resistant to new suggestions to ideas to relationships number 11 ignoring just ignoring the problem and hoping it'll go away or ignoring the struggle the behavior hoping that it's just going to go away that's a sign of insecurity number 12 is the opposite over committing over committing to yourself to your child saying you're going to do this that and the other and then not being able to follow through over committing to activities to volunteering, to work schedule, to saying yes to everything. Overcommitting is actually a sign of insecurity, believe it or not. And it's just super important that we take a look at ourselves before we're just trying to solve a problem that we think is just a behavior about our kid. Like it's good for us to be aware of some of these things so that we can name them, deal with them, and overcome them. All right, number 13, living vicariously through your child. This is, again, unintentional.

You just want the best for your child. You want them to have the opportunities that you didn't have. And sometimes it, you know, the kids have the same interests that we did have. And they're very appreciative and grateful for the opportunities that we give them with all their extracurricular sports and things or the missionary work that they do because, you know, that's what we've always wanted to do or just kind of our own thing so just pay attention just pause and think about hmm you know is this something that I'm doing because I didn't have the opportunity to do it and I wished I would have gone further in you know a sport or done more traveling or done whatever and my kid is going along with it but maybe it's not really their interest or they just want to do it for fun and they have no desire to you know pursue it later on in life whatever that means for you. Again, I'm being vague about that because it's different for everybody. All right, 14,

setting impossible standards. Sometimes we start our kids off on with activities or goals, set goals for our kids that are just, you know, they don't need to be achieved as fast as we're expecting them. And sometimes the standards that we set for them are just the bar is too high. Whatever, again, that means for you, think about are you setting impossible standards for your kid to achieve and is that why you're butting heads on things or is that why they're misbehaving and then number 15 blaming blaming others blaming our kids blaming ourselves any and all of the above think about are you when there is a problem or a behavior or some kind of situation that is uncomfortable are you blaming that's another big sign of being insecure or parenting from an insecure place. So maybe write each of these 15 down on a piece of paper, go back and listen to them again,

write them down, circle the ones or write maybe a little note next to them, you know, one word or two words of something that you want to pay attention to and look at so that you're like, I think this is some insecurity coming through. There's some fear-based parenting happening in these different areas. And just once you can name them, you out them, you name them, you acknowledge them, then you can much more easily deal with and overcome them. And we make this very matter of fact here at No Problem Parenting. We don't, you know, go into, we're not therapy, we're not clinical. So if you do need therapists or resources for that to really kind of get to the root of, you know, some emotion or situation that's happened to you, we've got tons of resources for you,

specifically for, you know, wherever it is in your life, whatever challenge it is in your life that you're dealing with. But we want to take a look at some of these things. A lot of times it just is, you know, I just need to notice and recognize that. And I've developed a habit of reacting or responding out of fear or worry that I, now that I acknowledge it, I can, I can work on that and I can create a new habit around that so that I'm not reacting out of fear and worry. All right, let's look at confidence. Confident parents encourage and lead with empathy. And I know empathy seems like a buzzword, but really leading with understanding, seeking first to understand that step one of no problem parenting. You learn all about that in the online course. Let's take a look at how we can parent from concern, which is much different than worry. Concerns roots, remember,

are based in confidence, okay? So here's some things that you're doing that show that you are a confident parent, all right? Number one, self-care. Whether that's a bubble bath and all the easy cheesy typical things we think about with self-care or you're exercising regularly you're acknowledging yourself you're taking time to do the things that fill your cup and feed you outside of being a mom or a dad self-care whatever that looks like for you number two you stand your ground and this is not in a forceful way it's just a very like i said no problem parenting is very matter of fact in a matter of fact way what do you believe in and you stand your ground in that What did you say? You say what you mean or you mean what you say. Number three, secure in your beliefs, your values, and your morals. And again, being able to, number two, stand your ground, but being secure in the things that you believe in. Do you really believe the things you say you believe or are you just doing that because of peer pressure or because that's what everybody else in your friend group is doing or your family? And your kids don't have to believe the same things you believe but they can know that you stand firm in your beliefs and you're very secure in the things and the morals and the values that you believe in all right number four encouraging your kiddos encouraging your kids encouraging your spouse your partner your friendship group

just being an encouraging person but of course most most definitely encouraging your kiddos to try new things, to take some risks, to communicate, to talk about their feelings. Number five, you're honest. That one just speaks for itself. You're not telling a bunch of white lies all the time.

You're not trying to keep the truth from your kids because you don't want it to hurt them. You'll figure out a way, no problem parenting, we can help you do this. If you need to tell a truth about something but you're not sure how to have that conversation with your kid because you think they're too young for them to know the truth. We'll figure that out. But being honest is super important so that your kids know that you're a truthful person. How can they be a truthful kid if mom and dad are kind of always telling these little white lies or skirting around the truth?

All right, number six, set expectations and you follow through. Again, your words are gold. number seven. Number seven, ownership. Ownership of your mistakes. Taking ownership of your mistakes.

We're not perfect. Parents, none of us are perfect, right? So when we make a mistake, we want to own up to it. And we want to help our kids follow through and own up to their mistakes. When we do make a mistake, we can own up to it and be like, oh my gosh, can't believe I did that. Or oh, I am so sorry and here's how I'm going to make it right. Remember we talked about the make it right technique. Go back and listen to that episode for more information on how to make it right. But we need to be able to model owning our mistakes and owning our behavior. All right, number eight, acknowledging. Acknowledging our kids' feelings. Acknowledging our own feelings. Acknowledge their successes. Acknowledge the good things that they're doing. The little tiny good everyday day in and day out, things that they're doing, just acknowledging and noticing our kids.

All right, number nine, listening and hearing, which are kind of two different things, right? Listening to our kids and actually hearing what they say. Do you put your phone down when they're talking to you? When you ask them a question, are you really fully attentive and waiting for the answer? Or are you retaining the conversation? Are you really listening and hearing your kiddos?

number 10 allowing kids to make decisions even though you might know better right so a confident parent allows their kids to make decisions even when we know the outcome isn't going to be as great as if they would just do it the way we suggested so allowing our kids to make decisions number 11 being curious confident parents are curious about their kids they're also teaching curiosity, wondering about why your kid might have done something the way they did it, why they're interested in something that you have absolutely no interest in, being curious about your kids.

It also helps us stay in our thinking part of our brain when we're curious versus being in our reactive brain, the fight, flight, or freeze part of the brain. So confident parents are curious. Number 12, thoughtful. Confident parents are thoughtful. They're noticing the things that their kids are doing. They're thanking their kids for even the everyday kind of behaviors that we maybe wouldn't otherwise think to thank them for. You know, being thoughtful of what our kids like, what's their favorite color, what foods do they prefer, really being thoughtful and kind in those kind of small ways. Parenting isn't just about, you know, making a bunch of rules and consequencing their kids and teaching them lessons. Parenting is really just a lot of thoughtfulness, right?

All right, number 13. I love this one. This is one of my favorite ones. Being matter of fact.

Confident parents are matter of fact. We're not on edge. We're kind of like, you know, yes, life throws us curveballs. We can't always be prepared. Step two, being prepared for the worst. We can't always be prepared for what's going to happen, but we can deal with and overcome the problems and the challenges in our home. And one of the best ways that we can do that is to take a problem or behavior and pause and think about it for a minute. And then when we respond, we can respond with a matter of fact, cause and effect, kind of like, okay, here's the problem. And now here's what we're going to deal with it matter of factly. And then no problem. We're going to move on, turn a problem into a no problem lesson learned and then we're going to move on so being matter of fact is one of the things that confident parents do number 14 we provide logical consequences when our kids mess up when they misbehave what is the natural cause and effect for what they did no problem parents confident parents don't give don't do punishment we just don't do punishment Punishment is rubbing salt in the wounds.

It's making a kid pay for something that they did wrong versus having them learn and make up for and make right something that they did wrong or a problem that they caused for someone else, which that applies to adults as well. Okay, number 15, unconditional praise. And I add conditional praise. So confident parents give equal doses of unconditional and conditional praise.

Unconditional praise is saying things like, great job. You look pretty. You're so good. You're so nice.

and conditional praise is the fact. So I usually like to lead with a conditional praise kind of thing. Like, wow, you got 13 out of 14. That's a fact. 13 out of 14 on your test. Great job.

I teach you all about that in step three, change the conversation of the no problem parenting course. Okay, you guys. So 15 examples of insecure parenting versus confident parenting. So are you ready to kick fear and worry to the curb? How many of these things have you recognized in the insecure category that you're doing? Then how many things have you recognized in the confidence category? When we feel confident, we are much more able to respond to our kids' behaviors, to their emotions, and help lead the way for them so that they can then feel confident and secure about themselves. So suggest that you just start with one behavior or one problem that you are worried about, that you're fearful of, and then make the decision to deal with it head on so that you can overcome it. Parenting is hard, but you know what guys, we make it so much harder than it needs to be. And so reach out if you need some support or you want some guidance or you need some resources. We are growing our resource page here at No Problem Parents. Go to noproblemparents.com,

click on the resources tab and just take a look around. There's a growing resource list to help you tackle any parenting issue or concern or behavior problem with your child. And speaking of that, I'm going to make my big announcement. On September 20th, we are publishing our first ever No Problem Parenting Raising Your Kiddos With More Confidence and Less Fear resource book. You guys, this book is written around the three steps of no problem parenting. Seek first to understand, prepare for the worst and change the conversation. I have 21 authors, 22 including me, and we are going to share our best tips, tools, resources, stories. These are all authors who have lived this, lived something in their life or experienced something in their professional work that have really called them to niche down and provide a specific resource to parents. And so I'm super excited to have that book launching on September 20th. Make sure you are on our newsletter so that you're getting all of the updates and the alerts for when that's going to happen because on September 20th the book will be absolutely free our gift to you so make sure you're following us on Instagram and Facebook at No Problem Parents or if you're not a social media type of person just go to noproblemparents.com get yourself on the newsletter and you'll get the alerts for when the book is going to launch and all the details about the event all right you guys make it a

great rest of your day and we'll see you on the next episode thank you for tuning in to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey? Like this podcast, subscribe, share, or leave a review of the show.

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