Tantrums, Meltdowns & Misbehavior; Build trust with your toddlers and preschoolers with the Sit in the Chair Technique

Hey, welcome back No Problem Parents. Today's episode is for all you moms and dads out there raising kiddos under the age of five right now. So your littles that are just learning to crawl and walk, those toddlers who are melting down, tantruming, wet noodling on the floor, and even the preschoolers before the age of five that are digging in their heels and saying things like, I don't wanna, you can't make me. All right, this technique is called sit in the chair, and it is not a time in or a time out so it resembles time in right it kind of resembles time in but it's really the purpose is not for them to time in or time out it's for them to reset and shift their brain and think about what they did for just 30 seconds and then go back and try again all right so i'm going to get into all that i'm going to explain all that it's one of my favorite techniques i will put a disclaimer in here the first time you use it you're going to to be sure to have another adult present and you want to be in a place where you have time in it preferably in your home without a lot of other distractions if you have multiple kids you're going to want to do one kid at a time so if you can have you know a friend or a family member or someone else either in your home in another room with the other kiddos or just have the other kiddos somewhere else that is beneficial as well but make sure you have two adults when you use

this technique the first time if you have a kiddo that digs their heels in and is really going to challenge you and kind of test the limits and push and push you and if you're more of a reactionary type of parent where when your child gets upset you get super upset so if you're the type of parent that gets amped up and stressed out and agitated or anxious when your child is agitated or anxious or upset then you're definitely going to want to have another person to tag team with because this technique must be done when you can be calm and not get set off by the response from your child or the behavior that your child is displaying. So if your child tests this limit and really pushes you and tries to get you to give in, you definitely need another person there to tag team with because we don't use this technique if we're going to get amped up. All right, if you need any help with this one, you're going to want to give me a call and I'll walk you through it personally. But we thought I'd do an episode today all about sit in the chair and then you're, uh, we're going to link a free download. So there's going to be a little description for you to be able to print out so that you can use this. But again, if you have any issues or problems and you're like, it didn't work, it's not working. Give me a call, schedule a time to connect with me. I'll work you through it. You can just do what I call a one-off session and,

and we, we, we get you through it. This technique has literally saved lots of heartache. hardship, and stress in many, many homes throughout the last 30 years that I've been showing parents how to do this. So when you actually use it correctly, you don't try to put your own spin or take on it. You just stick to the very simple, not easy approach and guidelines on it. It's going to work for you. All right, let's get into it. Welcome back to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. This podcast is full of tips and tools, services and resources that can help you in the day-to-day behavior struggles with your kiddos, from infant to adult. Want more?

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All right, parents, let's get into it. So here's the deal. Tantrums, meltdowns, wet noodling, misbehavior, all of these things are actually learning opportunities. And one of my favorite things to do as a parenting coach is to help you shift your mindset about parenting. Some people even ask, why don't you call yourself a mindset coach? Well, because I specialize in parenting.

And so I guess parenting coach seems like the more natural title for what I do. But really, no problem parenting is all about shifting our mindset and taking a look at behaviors, whether they're problematic or they're kids who are overdoing a behavior, right? Even if it's fun, but they're just overly excited all the time. It's shifting our mindset, learning about seeking first to understand why our child's behaving the way they are and why I am responding or reacting the way I am. So when we can, it is really cool to see the tantrums and the misbehavior as a learning opportunity, an opportunity for us to lead our kiddos, point them in the right direction, walk them through how to do something to get a better result for themselves and for us.

Raising toddlers and preschoolers can be frustrating. Meltdowns, tantrums, screamers, wet noodling on the floor, insisting that they're not going to do what you asked them to do. It can be exhausting. And of course, our kiddos almost always have those behaviors right when we're in a hurry. And that puts added pressure on us. And it just makes us feel intense or very stressed or tensed up, right? And so when you use this technique, I want you to plan for the first time you use the technique. I want you to make sure that you have another adult present that's going to sort of be your cheerleader and your voice of reasoning or your calm in the storm, Right. Just in case you need that. Step two in no problem parenting is to prepare for the worst.

So sometimes when we're introducing a new technique, we want to make sure we have the right supports with us so that it's more successful. Right. It increases the odds that it's going to be successful. The first time you do this, do it on a Saturday.

Use it on a Saturday when you've got a friend that can come over or if you're a two parent home, both parents are home. Trust me, you will be able to use this technique, not because your kid is misbehaving all the time, but that you are prepared for if they do that day. And maybe the whole day will go smooth and you won't even need to use it. Then again, wait until you have another Saturday available or Sunday or sometime when you know you're gonna have some time to implement the technique.

All right, and when do we use this technique? Is it for every misbehavior that our kids do? No, it's not. when your redirection or your natural cause and effect, matter of fact, kind of logical redirection doesn't work and the child is kind of giving you that look like, I don't care what you do, you can't make me, or they are being unsafe or harmful to another child, or they're just super amped up and you can tell a misbehavior is just right around the corner, use this technique, which is going to help them, like I said, shift their mindset. Okay. So always try what works or what has worked first. But if you're finding yourself, you know, like people that use the one, two, three magic approach and you say one, two, two and a half. Well, first of all,

you've already not used that technique appropriately. It's supposed to be one, two, three and the child stops. I'm not a huge fan of that technique for kids who buck the system and are challenging right. That technique actually sort of gives those kiddos permission to mess up a second and a third time before they correct their behavior. But the point of this is when you know you have a kid who is doesn't believe in your words doesn't believe that what you say what you mean and that you're going to follow through and they're just sort of waiting for you to give in or they're waiting for, they're going to push your buttons so that you lecture and explain and give them extra time. They don't believe your words are gold. They don't believe that you mean what you're saying, that you're going to follow through. This is an excellent technique for getting them to know that you mean business, not in a forceful way, not in a punishing way, but just that when you ask them to do something, you expect that they're going to do it.

When you tell them to do something, you expect that. And it also improves the odds that they're going to make safe decisions and they're going to think before they act. So this technique does actually work really well with kiddos who have ADHD, have sensory issues, are on the autism spectrum. It's a very matter of fact approach as long as you're not using it with anger or frustration, which can take some practice.

So I'm going to review the three steps really quick and then we're going to walk through them a little bit more. Step one, if your child has misbehaved, you've tried to redirect, they're not listening, immediately, no second chances, immediately, calmly pick the child up, bring them over to a soft chair, preferably in a living room. You want to pick them up, bring them to the soft chair, set them down in the chair and say, sit in the chair. Step two is to say, stay, or when your body is calm for 30 seconds, you can be done. And then step three, when the child is calm, the timer goes off, the 30 seconds is up, you pick your child up and you say, you did it, you sat in the chair. And then you bring them right back over to the situation where you removed them.

All right, and I'm going to get into a couple of examples of that and reasons why. Now this technique isn't used every single time. Sometimes kids are just tired and we need to meet their need, pick them up, snuggle them and get them ready for bed. And we don't discipline the behavior because we know the behavior is because they're tired. But if you have a kiddo who is constantly picking on the other kids, right? They're taking toys away. They're biting, they're hitting.

You can't seem to redirect them without them turning around and laughing at you and running the other way. Or you try to pick them up and they wet noodle and slip right out of your hands and then run away from you. Those are the kiddos that this technique works really well for and helps to teach them that your words are gold. You mean what you say, and it helps them then at daycare, at school, right, to listen to the direction of the other adults. And it's not that kids aren't going to misbehave. They always do. It's part of growing up. And so we expect that from kids. We expect some misbehavior. This technique actually builds trust between the parent and child relationship, knowing that you're going to redirect them, that there's going to be a good outcome for them, even though there's going to be some discomfort in the short term,

right? But that you follow through, you mean what you say. And when we mean what we say, kids can trust us, okay? That's ultimately the goal of the technique. Number one, to get them to stop unwelcome behavior or to do something that we've asked them to do. And then number two, to learn that we are trusting adults and confident leaders for the kids and good things happen when they follow our lead. Okay. I can hear many of you saying already, this isn't going to work. My kid's never going to sit in that chair. And you're right. What are the odds that the first time you use this, the kiddo's going to sit in the chair? Now there are some kids that do because just by the fact of you picking them up calmly, nicely saying, oh, and bringing them over to a chair and sitting them down, telling them sit in the chair and stay. Some kids, you're already, you're going to have piqued their curiosity and they're going to be looking at you like, wait, what's going on? What am I doing? And they will very compliantly sit in that chair, look at you. That's great if that happens. Set your timer, 30 seconds, 30 seconds goes off. You pick them up. You say,

yeah, you did it. You sat in the chair, bring them back over to what they were doing and keep moving. Life goes on. Some kids are going to what? Arch their backs, you know, run their way out of that chair. They're just, they're absolutely not going to sit. They're going to stiff leg you, you know, do whatever they got to do because they don't want to move in that moment. And that's okay too. But that's also why I want you to have another person present. Because if you have a kiddo, most of you are, most of you, when you use this technique the first time you're going to have a kiddo that's like, no, I'm not sitting in there. I'm not doing it. And so that's why you need another adult around. So here's what the other adult is going to be doing. They're going to have a little piece of paper, or maybe they're just going to use their phone and they're going to make a tally for every time the child comes out of the chair. They're also going to be responsible for the timer. Now it's really key to watch that 30 second mark. You don't want to say, oh, I know what 30 seconds is and I'll just like keep track of it in my head or I'll just count. It's not going to work. You're going to end up 45 seconds is going to go by maybe even a minute. Or if you're really kind of stressed out about the screamer that your kid's having or just had, you might actually rush the 30 seconds and make it only like 20 seconds or 15 seconds and sort of give in a

little bit early. And so again, you don't have to be super strict about it, but I do want you to, if you're a parent that normally gives in, I want you to make sure you hold to that 30 seconds. If you're a parent that gets distracted easy or wants your child to, because they're sitting quiet, you're like going to push it and you're going to extend the time. Nope. I want you to stick to that 30 seconds. Don't go over. This isn't about, like I said, time out where you want, you know, them in a timeout for one minute per year of life. No, that's not what this technique is about, like to really sit and to calm down, you want to practice having them sit in the chair, bringing them back to where there was the misbehavior, right? And then the odds are that they're going to do it again. And so then you can go back to the chair without having to explain to them why you're putting them in the chair. We want them to figure this out from the inside out. Kids are smart. We don't need to explain why we're removing them. We don't need to explain why what they did was wrong. They're going to figure it out. Trust me on this, you guys. So often parents say, well, I don't, don't I need to explain why what they did was wrong? Don't I need to explain that, you know, hitting other people hurts them? Guys, your kids are smart. They know that.

They know that they will figure that out. Don't rescue them for that. And so often our words, it's okay if we say some of that stuff, but that's not where the kids are learning the lesson from. They're learning it from the action. Okay, so the other adult is keeping track of the time and also tallying, counting how many times the child gets out of the chair. Now, depending on how maybe strong-willed your child is or how inconsistent you've been when you've been directing your kids to do things, but then not really following through, not holding yourself to what you said and giving in and that sort of thing, your child, it's keen to that. They figured that out. And there's this muscle memory in their brain that says, well, mom said I shouldn't do that, but she doesn't usually hold me to it so I can get away with it. Or, um, I, you know, mom took this toy away from me, but if I cry loud enough or hard enough, she'll give it back. Or if I throw a big enough tantrum in the store, she's going to give me that candy bar, you know, in the checkout lane.

So depending on how strong-willed your kiddo is and or what you've modeled to them will contribute to the amount of times that your child gets out of the chair. And for kiddos who have had early life trauma, those kids are going to have a hard time sitting right away too, but that's okay. We're going to follow through and we're going to keep showing them that even though the more times they come out, we're not amping up our stress level or our anxiety.

We are prepared for that to happen. We are prepared for that child to come out of the chair as many times as they needed. We planned for a day of this, if necessary. We've got our support system.

We've got our extra person there. The other kids are taken care of because, like I said, we're not doing this technique unless we have all of that set up the first time, right? So as many times as the kid comes out, we make a little tally mark and you almost can make it sort of like, hmm, I wonder, you can be curious about it. I wonder how many times the kid's going to come out of the chair and how many times I'm going to have to redirect them to go back into the chair.

I wonder how resilient I am today. There's really no emotion. Right. Prepare yourself to not have any emotion.

Just redirecting and teaching the child that it doesn't matter how many times they defy, how many times they get out of the chair. you're going to stay calm because the bottom line is you've asked them to sit in the chair you're waiting for that 30 seconds for them to be calm and then you're going to bring them right back to the situation and life is going to go on and they're going to trust you that you mean what you say it seriously creates trust between you and your child which then transfers to the other adults that are caring for your child whether it's daycare or preschool or grandparents friends you know at birthday parties in a restaurant this works so well but the first couple of times it can be really tricky so again reach out if you need my help all right the last thing that the support person is going to be doing is to offer you support and be able to tap you out if necessary so as much as you're prepared for this and you're thinking all right i'm not no matter what my kid does if they scream at me they yell they spit they laugh they swear whatever it is no matter what they do. I am prepared. I'm not going to show any emotion about that. I'm just going to keep redirecting every time they get out. I'll bring them back, say sit or sit in the chair. You know,

I'm just going to broken record, keep doing that. And I'm not going to get upset. You know, as hard as we try parents, reality is there are just sometimes you think, oh, I'm prepared. And then holy cow, my kid keeps coming like this is not working and you start getting super frustrated.

So you can always tag out or tap out with the other person, switch roles, and you then do the tallying and set the timer. Or that person's going to say, you know what? They notice you guys are running out of time. You've prepared, you know, an hour or so for this technique, but now you're running out of time.

You didn't think you'd need more time. And so you're like, time's up. So you can be the distraction and say, hey, it looks like you need a break. let's get back to this later. Let's go for a walk or something to help remove you from the situation.

And then you can say to the kid, oh, you know what? We're all exhausted and tired today. We're going to have to try this again another time. And so as a parent, you do get permission to stop an interaction with your child. We can always use the art of distraction or we can always admit or say to our children, you know what? I don't have time right now. We don't have time.

we don't have any more time for this right now. We'll get back to it later. Sometimes parents will feel like you're giving in if you do that. But here's the deal. You should not deal with or try to parent your child when you are super frustrated, emotional, sad, angry, whatever. You just need to take a break from it. There is nothing in any rule book, in any parent book that says that if you don't follow through all the way right now, it's going to screw up your kid or something. No.

when anger or sadness are in the way give yourself a break and you can say to the kiddo i'll get back to you later we'll try again later and you always can do that later okay so again there's a lot more to this so if you use the technique and it doesn't work out it doesn't seem to go smoothly there's a lot of different stuff that comes up give me a call i'll help you process through that there's a special rate for a one-off call to talk specifically about this technique and strategize how to best use it either beforehand or when you've tried it and you're like, well, that didn't work out so well. And now I have a lot of questions, Jackie, then give me a call. Did you notice there's no talking in between there? So even if your child is saying, but it's not fair or trying to blame another kid for something or wanting to talk and process their feelings or any of that,

you're not engaging in that. You can simply just kind of put your hand up like in the stay position or in the stop position. And it's just the three steps. Sit in the chair, say stay, or when your body is calm for 30 seconds, you can be done. You can give that direction. And then step three, when they're calm, you pick them up after the 30 seconds and you say, you did it. You sat in the chair. You're going to keep redirecting them back until they're able to do that. You're going to keep a tally mark. It's super fun for me to hear. I've heard anything from my kid came out of the chair 15 times to the record breaking amount of 187 times and a total of four and a half hours.

Now I'm going to let you know that the intervention itself did not go on for four and a half hours. The kiddo kind of tuckered himself out so much and it was nap time. I don't think anybody could have expected that it was going to take us longer than an hour and a half or two hours to help this kiddo through this, but it did. And he ended up getting really tired. And so I had the mom hold him and snuggle him up and he fell asleep in our lap and he slept for an hour and a half.

And when he woke up, we allowed him some time to, you know, make sure he had time to wake up and he got a drink of water. And, you know, we don't deprive our kids of food or of rest or any of that. The technique stops when the kids have a basic need and we have to make sure we meet that basic need. And then we can go right back into it later, bring them back to the situation, go over, sit him in the chair and go back to our broken record directions or instructions for them right make sure you're being super nurturing the kiddo that fell asleep and then woke up um it was that was like a total of probably two hours um the napping and then the help you know allowing them some time to wake up and all of that he the minute mom put him back in the chair and said sit in the chair after that now he did waited 30 seconds she picked him up kind of almost threw him in the air and said, you did it. You sat in the chair and then brought him right back over to where the initial situation where he was reading books, he and his brother were reading books.

We got the little guy back, a little brother back in the house and sat them right back over by the books and they were able to play. Now, for those of you asking, what about if my kiddo's misbehavior was harmful to another child or to someone else, like if it is hitting or something like that, there's an additional technique that we use after we bring the kiddo back called the make it right technique and this is in place of um saying i'm sorry it's something different and so you're gonna wanna go listen to episode 23 about i'm sorry isn't enough and the make it right technique to learn more about that or again reach out to me schedule a time to connect and we will strategize And, you know, my goal in all of this, you guys, is just confident leadership is so important when raising our kids.

And if you can start this stuff when they're little, when they're toddlers, and you can nip those things in the bud, build that trust. The kids will believe in you. They'll look up to you and they'll feel like, you know what, no matter what happens to me, no matter what problem I have, I know my parents, they've got this. thank you for tuning in to the no problem parenting podcast join jackie next time for more tips tools and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey like this podcast subscribe share or leave a review of the show your support of the no problem parenting podcast pays it forward and helps us help more families Thank you.