Coaching Strategies designed for adults that are effective with kids; goal setting that begins with the end in mind & Neuro Type vs Disorder with Special Guest Michael Whitehouse

Hey, welcome back No Problem Parents. Today's episode is so fun. We covered a kind of a lot of topics actually today with my special guest Michael Whitehouse from A Guy Who Knows A Guy. We talk about coaching strategies that are designed to be effective with adults can actually be effective with our kids.

We talk about goal setting that begins with the end in mind when we're talking to our kids and the difference between neurotype, your neurotype versus a disorder. So we just kind of get into a bunch of different things. We even talk about is Santa Claus real? So meet Michael Whitehouse.

Michael is the guy who knows a guy. He's written a book. He has a podcast. In 2014, he came to Connecticut knowing that no one at all except his fiance and his unborn daughter.

And then a year later, after diving into networking with both feet, he was a major connector in the local community. In 2020, he went global and began connecting entrepreneurs, investors, speakers, and others around the world to people they needed to know. He offers his services as a networking concierge, making connections and building strategic alliances around the world. He's the host of the Daily Morning Motivation podcast and the Power Lunch Live show, in addition to his A Guy Who Knows A Guy podcast.

Today, he applies what he's learned from talking to hundreds of coaches to support his most important client, Rowan, his seven-year-old daughter. This is such a fun episode, you guys. You are not going to want to miss it. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting podcast.

Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Finneman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling? Whether you are at your wits end or you want to have more fun as a parent, you're definitely in the right place.

Now here's your host, Jackie Fineman. All right, parents, welcome back to the No Problem Parenting Podcast, where we choose to deal with and overcome the behavioral and emotional challenges within our home. And today I have a special guest on Mr. Michael Whitehouse. He's from the guy who knows a guy podcast. And he's here to talk to us about how motivating a 50 year old entrepreneur is very similar to how to motivate a seven year old child. That's a very interesting topic.

And then we're also going to talk a little bit about neurodiversity superpowers and what in the world that means. So welcome to the show, Michael. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. And so when my daughter was first born i was starting to study you know coaching and i've been studying marketing and all these different practical psychology sales and whatnot and i had a theory that children are just like small humans um with a couple of different variations i didn't know much about kids i didn't spend much time with kids but i said what if i start with the assumption that she's like it like the humans i know and then subtract some things okay she's not as developed she doesn't doesn't know as many things. She doesn't have the coordination, whatever, and work down instead of working up, which I think is what a lot of parents do. And so I had this theory and I thought either this is going to make me a really good parent or I'm going to be really embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed. It's panned out. And I've been able to apply the things I've learned in coaching,

sales, marketing, all these other places I've been studying humans and discovered that my child, while very small and sometimes a little bit dysregulated is basically just a, you know, I joke with her that, that sometimes I think you're just a very short adult. And sometimes I'm reminded you're seven. But you know, sometimes she'll be incredibly insightful. And then you remember she has a seven-year-old brain, which hasn't quite fully developed and can't totally manage emotions and stress and, and conflict and whatnot. But it's, it has basically panned out. And so that's why I'm here. I love it. And, and part of why I love it is because my, in my parent coaching, I'm all about creating confident leaders, you know,

really parents, when you, when you can get off the fear bus, when you're not freaked out over every behavior, your child's, you know, throwing your way. Sometimes parents will call me and they'll have a five-year-old and they'll be all worried that their five-year-old is going to go off the deep end and be living in a gutter by the time they're 16. Uh, they there's some real extremes we go go to as parents sometimes when we're worried or afraid of kind of behaviors our kids are having that sort of thing so i once we're confident and that's in anything right business parenting relationships when you're confident about what you're doing you just do better well i think a challenge people run into too is that what makes good kids makes bad adults because good kids are quiet and obedient and respectful. And none of those skills are going to help you when you grow up. Not in our culture. I mean, you know, maybe 150 years ago, those were useful traits for a woman trying to survive in upper class society where that sort of, you know,

respect and etiquette and whatnot would get you somewhere. There's no place in modern America where being quiet and obedient and compliant is going to get you anywhere you want to go. So you need to begin with the end of mind. What do you want your child to be when they grow up?

What kind of person do you want them to be? And bad news, that means you got to teach them to be kind of argumentative and you got to teach them to push back and they're going to practice on you first. But the payoff is, you know, your kids will be successful and happy and powerful people. When I was doing coaching training, they teach about limiting beliefs.

And one part of coaching teaches most limiting beliefs form between zero and seven years old. I'd look at my daughter and I'd be like, am I forming her limiting beliefs right now? Is there anything I can do right here at the root that will mean that she doesn't need to hire a coach when she's 35 to fix limiting beliefs that I screwed up with right now? And I'm sure I screwed up with some.

But I was thinking about, okay, what am I teaching her now? And how will that propagate into the future when she becomes an adult? What is this teaching her long-term? What am I preparing her with?

So that's something I really, really focused on. Well, I wholeheartedly agree. I think a lot of times we are, when we get into like consequencing our kids all the time, just for the sake of getting them to comply, to obey, to behave, we are off base. We are off the mark.

Those kids are, if you have a really kind, nice, fearful, you know, kid, maybe shy, quiet, doesn't want to challenge rules. They're going to, that kind of parenting is going to work for you. It's going to seem like it's working for you. You know, in the long run, those kiddos are, they're either going to be, you know, kind of really, I stay isolated as I grow up and always need other people to tell them what to do and how to do it.

And if they're okay, and if they're not okay, or they're going to rebel and kind of go way out the deep end and be like, oh, if my parents could only see me now, they'd be so freaked out, you know? And then what's the point of that, right? So what kind of coaching strategies designed for adults can help our kiddos or be effective with our kiddos? Give me a couple of those. So one of the, the first thing I always do when I'm coaching anyone, whether it's formally or just someone comes to me with a challenge is to focus on where do you want to go? What's, what, begin with the end in mind. What is the goal of this? And first off, this is effective strategy for parents to parents. What is the goal you want? The goal is not what do you want your child to do today? It's what do you want your child to be like when they're 20 or 30? And that's what really matters. But then working with the kid, getting them thinking that way. So I'll tell my daughter, I've told her, and it seems to be working. Again, she's seven. So you may come back in five years and be like, ha ha, you were wrong. But at this point, it seems you're working. I have told her, I'm a coach. That's what I do in my business. But it's also, you're my most important client. My mission is to make you successful. And I get her to buy in on that. So if you're coaching someone, you can't take them anywhere they don't want to go. You have to get them to

agree. Okay, this is my goal. Is this your goal? This is my goal. Do you want my help with this goal? I do want. Okay. At any time, you can tell me you don't want my help and I'll stop helping you. My mother did this very well. One day when we were arguing about homework and I don't want to do my homework, she wanted me to do my homework. And she said, Michael, you're the one who said you wanted to go to Harvard. If you changed your mind on that, I don't like bugging you about your homework. I'm happy to stop bugging you about your homework right now. But then you're probably not going to get the results you want. So is that still your goal? And do you want my help? And I, at that moment, said, yes, please keep bugging me about my homework. And from then on, she bugged me about my homework. And we didn't argue about it because she had my consent to coach in that way.

And so I try to do that intention with my daughter that I get her to buy in on it. Do you want this result? Because your goal and your child's goal are probably aligned. If you go to your child and say, okay, my goals for you are that you're going to be happy and successful and able to advocate for yourself and healthy when you grow up.

Do you disagree with any of those goals? They'd be like, no, those are good goals. Will you support me in those goals? They'd be like, yeah, I'll support you in those goals.

So this eliminates that conflict dynamic. and makes you their coach. And could you talk about like, could you be your child's friend? Well, what does friend mean?

But can you be their coach? Because a coach is someone who separates themselves from the outcome, but supports the outcome. So when you use that strategy, it can be very effective. And also it came back to something you said earlier about getting your kids to comply and whatnot.

I separate between coaching issues and roommate issues. So the coaching issues is I want to make you stronger and more resilient and smart. And some of that is I want you to do your homework. So I want you to learn. I want you to develop these skills or I want you to eat healthy. So you'll be healthier. Which my daughter loves eating healthy and brags about to me all the time.

she's like that's a bonus she's like dad do you like that i eat healthy i'm like of course i do she wants that validation but it's because i've never forced her to eat anything whatever she wants she can have candy in her she actually often does have bags of candy in her room at five years old because i got her on board she understands what healthy eating does so understand and surprisingly young kids will understand surprisingly complex issues so i'd get her on bored with the idea. And she's like, oh, I want to be healthy. So I'm going to exercise. Now, it's funny what she thinks exercise is, but I'm going to exercise. I'm going to eat healthy. I want to eat more vegetables because she's on board with the goal. It's her goal that I'm helping with,

not my goal. On the other hand, there's roommate issues. The TV is too loud. She's staying up to, we don't set a bedtime for her. If she wants to stay up till three in the morning, she'll eventually learn why she shouldn't stay up till three in the morning, or she'll discover she can survive in five hours of sleep. But if she got blasted TV at three in the morning, we're going to have a problem there. If she wants to go hang out a room and stare at the wall, she can do that. If she wants to whine in the living room, we're going to have a conflict because she's whining in the living room. That's space we're trying to occupy. And I clarify like that bothers me because I have to inhabit the space versus this helps you. And this is a goal we're trying to achieve. But again, I can bring that to alignment. Do you want to make me upset or would you like us to get along better? Well, I'd like us to get along better. Okay. We can achieve this goal that we both agree on in this way. So it's getting that buy-in is hugely powerful and almost like magic. And I watch other people fighting with their kids and I'm like, have you tried? You know, that's a human there, right? Like not a dog. It's a human. They speak languages.

the converse of this when I went to UMass Amherst I never did go to Harvard but when I went to UMass Amherst because they offered me a lot of money to go there and it was really cheap and I had no debt anyway when I went to UMass Amherst they treat the students like children um there's all kinds of rules on them how they can behave what they can do whatever and crazy thing when you treat children like adults they start acting like adults when you treat adults like children they start acting like children and that was my first experience that made me realize I bet kids could be made really mature if you give them the empowerment because I've watched adults act like children. So I bet it worked the other way. And it really does.

It absolutely does. And again, there's nothing, there's like not one right way for every parent or every family, right? We get that. But as long as you and your kid have the same goals and you're not the same, but you know what your child's goal is, they know what your goal is. There's some crossover in there, right? If you're trying to get your kid to buy into something that they have no desire, no motivation to do, and you're not starting with that relationship first where, you know, you're treating them with, with kindness, not just bossing them around all the time. I mean, that happens in corporate, right? You've got a boss that's bossing you around all the time, micromanaging you. You're not going to perform that well for that person, right? I love how you said, do you want to get along with me better? You know, or do you want us to get along? That is so important like sharing the goal yeah yeah sharing the goal and and getting to get along with me and and so that's where respect comes in too if they want you to be happy if they notice that when dad's happy or mom's happy things go better they're going to want you to be happy if nothing really changes for them when you're happy you know and you're still just like grabbing on them or or you know directing them around or consequencing them all the time then why would they care and another important thing along the lines of the the counter example um where it gets you know

where parents can lead themselves into their worst nightmare is when you create this power struggle dynamic of, you know, you will do what I say and, you know, go to your room and, you know, punishment based your child has a hostage that you can't get them away from. Because if you create a dynamic where it's more important to them to win than anything else, you are in serious trouble. because you were talking about the kid who's saying, oh, mom can see me now.

How upset would she be? If you create a power struggle where in order to get self-actualization and in order to get the things that they psychologically need, my friend Leah Fink said that people have needs and they will achieve them healthfully if they can, unhealthily if they have to. So if they have this need for self-empowerment, for validation. And it's more important to them, especially because physical danger is not real to kids. They haven't experienced it. Most haven't seen someone die. They haven't seen serious injury. That's not real. Their need for empowerment is real, which means they will take the hostage themselves and do whatever they have to do to win. And if that means drinking, if that means underage sex, drugs, self-harm, even suicide to win, you create a dynamic where you can't possibly win because you've separated the importance of that aligned goals into we're trying to win this. And that's dynamic. There's a powerful coaching exercise called Seven Levels Deep.

and you actually go to the website, sevenlevelsdeep.com, numeral seven. And it's so simple. You can do it on a website.

You start with what you're trying to do. I want my kid to behave. And it basically asks you, why is that important? Seven times.

So I want my kid to behave. Why is that important? Because I want more peace now. And you get all the way to the bottom and you get the end of it.

Now, when I first did this, in my case, I wanted more prospects for my business. And I went all the way to the bottom And the final thing was because I want to be able to spend more time with my daughter. Well, having not done this exercise, like I need more prospects. So I got to work longer so I can get these prospects so I can sell them so I can make more money.

And then finally, like, or I could not work longer and just spend more time with my daughter because I could skip straight to the end. So sometimes you get into that loop of you're like, I've got to control this kid and I got to discipline them. I keep them under control. And when you work it down, you're like, because I want to keep them safe.

because I want them to be successful. I want them to have a good life. And you get to the bottom and realize what you're doing, the actions you're taking are in direct opposition to the outcome you want. And you're so fixated on the how you forgot the why. You're so fixated on this constant argument, which of course, if you're in a constant argument battle with your kids, it's exhausting.

You're not thinking anymore. You get so fixated on that, you forget the why. And this is how to remember your kid's a human who can think and is intelligent. Please sit down with them.

Have a peace conference. Be like, this isn't working for me. This isn't working for you. Let's find common ground here. What are we both trying to do?

Right. I love that. How can we move forward? And that's that coaching, parenting from a coaching mentality versus an emotional, you know, this child is a direct reflection of me and, you know, they must succeed in order for me to succeed or to, you know, all that kind of stuff that that's, that's what we want to separate from.

So of course you're still the parent, your heartstrings are going to get tugged. You know, you're going to have pride and you're going to have all those things. That's all great. Put that aside a little bit when you're parenting your kiddos and coach them and have that, have that kind of take some of that emotion out of it. You know, that you said a couple of things in there. And one of them is, you and I have this kind of similar belief that kids sometimes we're giving them too much praise or unbelievable praise. They don't even believe the praise that we're giving to them. So how can we boost a child's self-esteem without our praise becoming meaningless? Yes, that's, that's, it will, it comes down to the, the praise being attached to something. And this requires the willingness to be brutally honest at times where, and, you know,

differentiating between where you should say, oh, that's wonderful. And do you want honest feedback? so whenever i i praise my daughter i praise her for something specific and she's learned to push back on it partly because she's just that kind of kid which i think is partly on purpose um but when i say you know you're so smart you'd be like no i'm not why'd you say that and i'll say well you're in second grade you're learning multiplication most second graders aren't able to do that that's very smart and so i say like so i've actually said dynamic where I've encouraged her to push back on anything I say. If she doesn't believe it, there's no, because I said so, because I'm not that smart. I know that. Yeah. I mean,

I'm pretty smart, but I'm not right about everything. And stakes are way too high with a kid to have that much pressure on me. So she can push back on anything. And if I'm wrong, I'll be like, oh, actually, you know what? I think I'm wrong on that. But so in the specific case, she can push back on any praise but it also means if like she's she's a great artist for her age um and she's a better artist than i am but art is a direction she's going she's trying to get seriously better at it so if she shows me a piece of art it's not hey daddy look what i made it's a stick figure there's some part of that of give me feedback on this that i have created so that i can improve. Now it doesn't mean she likes me to say that's not very good. Right. So I need to be gentle about it. But at the same time, if I just say, oh, it's wonderful, honey, that's dismissive.

That's not as, you know, you know what is wonderful honey means, right? It means what can I say to get you to make you go away, but feel better. So I can go back to what I'm doing that's important in adults. Right. So it's important to be specific. So if she comes to something that has amazing color composition. I can't do color composition, but I know when I see it. So if she shows me something, I'll say, that is amazing color composition. And she'll say, what do you mean?

I'll say, well, they're the purples and the pinks and the blues, but you know, they work together, see how that works. And you recognize that and did it. So I get specific about what I'm praising and not just, because sometimes too, you know, the praise like, oh, you're so smart. Why is that?

Because you're my daughter. Well, I'm complimenting me. I'm not complimenting her. I'm complimenting me right right now so what you're doing michael is you're giving her conditional praise and unconditional praise and that's what that's step three of change the conversation and no problem parenting you know let's tell the kids something factual about why we're praising them so that it's believable and then you can throw on the unconditional you're so smart you're so pretty you're beautiful drawing whatever you know the other thing i do always add too especially like for having con we do have conflicts um she does not always control the great fire within her she's She's a Leo and it shows.

But even when that's happening, I'll remind her that we always love her. No matter what you're doing, there's nothing you can do that'll make us not love you. We can be really angry at you. We might yell at you, but we'll always love you and we'll always be here for you no matter what, period, end of story.

Okay, now we're gonna go back to yelling. But I just wanna make that, get that clear because you need the unconditional support. Yeah. Which is different from unconditional praise.

Absolutely. Very good. I wholeheartedly agree. Talked a little bit about limiting beliefs. How can we prevent limiting beliefs from forming in the first place?

Well, some of that comes down to the beginning with the end in mind. So thinking about what... Right. Which I have to say, I love that because years ago when I started my counseling profession back in 1995, one of my very first mentors, psychologist Jeff, he's amazing guy.

He would say that on our anything that we worked on with a family in their home or anything, begin with the end in mind and then evaluate that. Are we at the beginning of services, the middle of services, the end of services, insert, you know, exchange services with goal, whatever, you know. So I do love that. Thanks for the reminder. Yeah. Yes. So it's always think about like what beliefs do you want them to have?

what would be helpful um you know if you have gotten to the point of learning your own limiting beliefs think about if i didn't have these what would i have now how did i get them now let's not do that um so so in a lot of that comes to paying attention to what's coming out of your mouth so having a child if you're self-aware can be very therapeutic for the parent because when you hear yourself say all rich people are crooks and you're like wait a minute where did i get that from and what's that do maybe i shouldn't say that and maybe that's why i'm broke because i think rich people are crooks i don't want to be one huh um so you'll pay attention to the things you're saying and there is is there's a bit of a um a response cycle because the things you say that stick will come back. So if you're saying all rich people are crooks, and then one day you hear your child say all rich people are crooks, you know, they're watching TV and they see Elon Musk and like, that guy's a crook. Well, why is he a crook? Well, because he's rich. He must be a crook. He stole it. Oh, crap. I gave her that belief. I need to fix that. You know, it's not too late. It's not like, ah, it's imprinted. You're done. Yep. Yes, money's out of the way. Well, let's see if we can create some other, avoid some other limiting beliefs. You can catch those and say, actually,

that's just an expression, but really it doesn't apply. You know, you can, you can nuance it. Again, kids are smarter than you think. So, you know, you can nuance it a bit and not be like, well, they're not all crooks. They didn't actually steal it. It's more complicated than that.

But, you know, think about what beliefs you want them to have and then work on implanting those intentionally and not just by telling them this is the way it is. Right. Because if you're telling them one thing and doing another, they're going to see that inconsistency. And this also comes back to having that rapport with your kids and being open with them so they'll listen, because then you're going to have more influence. If you lie to them, I never lied to my daughter about anything. Although it's funny because she has learned that Santa is not real multiple times and rejected that fact and goes back to believing Santa is real. So she has chosen to be like, I hear your reality. I just choose not to accept it. Oh, there's a whole Santa Claus story. I can tell about that people for years, you know, telling their kids that Santa Claus isn't real.

Well, how do you know, you know, it depends on who is Santa Claus and there's, that's a whole another, another conversation. But of course, at some point you're going to have to have that conversation with your kids because they're going to go to school. They're going to be on a play date and somebody's going to say Santa Claus isn't real. And I still, to this day, tell kids that Santa Claus is definitely real for me. When I was a young girl, Santa Claus came to our house, delivered a present to each one of my siblings, delivered food, a wallet for my dad and a purse for my mom because dad had been laid off. And, you know, mom was doing daycare for, you know, what, 50 cents an hour. And it was this really touching thing. And there's this man dressed as Santa Claus. My parents didn't know who it was. So Santa Claus is, you know, somebody that that gives generously. Right. And happens to wear maybe a suit and a beard. I don't know. And that's what I should explain to us that the concept of Santa Claus is a group of people. And of course,

I own a Santa suit and wear it sometimes. So it's going to be really hard to, to convince her that Santa was real. But in spite of that, like, she's like, no, Santa's real. But she creates her own suspension disbelief. And part of it too, is I, I think what happens with some kids and this is speculating, but my speculation has gone well so far. I think what happens is you have this time of innocence when you're sheltered from everything. And then you have this shocking moment of discovery, which always gives us nostalgia for the time when the world was safe. It wasn't safe.

You just didn't know it was dangerous. So my thought is I don't want to fully shelter her from everything. I'm going to share with her as much as she wants to know. So she's aware the world is complicated. And so she may hearken back to a time when people took care of things for her, but I don't want her believing that there is a time, you know, we see this in politics. Oh, if only things were like the good old days, good old days, you realize what the good old days, oh my god the good old days were awful for most people um you know so so she has a nuanced view of the world so there won't be that shocking moment i think is i imagine it's probably part of what happens in teenage years yeah when suddenly all that that innocence and shelter goes away and they're forced to do something they were unprepared for and so i'm trying to provide her the knowledge but again sometimes she'll ask me a question i'll say do you really want to know about this. And you'll be like, not really. Yeah. And or how much do you want to know? And then when they start to roll their eyes are like, okay, enough already, dad, I'm moving on, you know,

then you then you know, you're done. But yeah, kids are when they're little, there's that song. Super Tramp. When I was young, what's it called? It's by Super Tramp. I remember that.

When I was young, I thought that life was so possible, wonderful, mystical, and then they sent me away and taught me how to be logical, sensible, that that is a brilliant song from what the seventies. And it's really about being sent off to school. And before then, before, you know, you, your mind was open. You were, you were so like super innocent. You had, you didn't have these limiting beliefs that we teach eventually in school. And so, and out of the malls of babes, that's what that phrase brings true all the time. Like I mentioned when I was on your podcast that it took my son to help me realize that of course it was God, mom telling need to answer this calling because G is for goldfinch. O is for owl. D is for deer. That spells God. And it was like, he was eight. But I was trying to figure everything out. I was trying to like, is this the right thing? And do I not, you know, have all this control over it. So yeah,

kids are, kids are amazing. So if you're ever stuck in a bind as a parent, you don't know what you're going to do. Don't worry about burdening your kids with it. Go ask them. What do you think I should do? You will oftentimes be amazed at what they have to say. And they know you're burdened.

yeah you ain't hiding nothing from them now now they might just know you're upset and now they're upset because you're upset um but sometimes it's better to share the details with them because they're like oh okay oh that's not a big deal because because you know they're thinking the worst you're hiding it from them are we going to lose the house are mom and dad going to break up are you sick are you going to die is there a meteor headed towards the earth are there dinosaurs in the basement i don't know right i just know mom and dad are upset and they are supposed to protect me from the world and I don't have any knowledge. Whereas if you tell them, oh yeah, I'm worried I might not get my promotion at work. That's it. Yeah. Does that even matter? Oh, I remember like our kiddo is 17 now, but growing up, there'd be times when my husband and I would be arguing,

not at each other, not about each other, but something to do with work or, you know, being overcharged for something or whatever it was. But as a little guy, he would think we're fighting. Yep. So, you know, at one point he was just like, stop. And then we realized we hadn't even realized it, you know, that he was really nervous that dad and mom were not okay. And something was going on. So whether you are really not okay, or you are okay. And you're just every now and then, if you know, your child's an earshot, especially when, when conversations are excitable, right. Just clue them in a little bit, let them know what's going on. Don't try to make it better for your kids all the time. You know, parents say that all the time too. They're trying to make things better for their kids. They don't want their kids to go through what they went through.

Well, why? Because you don't want them to have resilience. You don't want them, you know, to, to know what it's like to overcome things and, and, and kind of survive. You're like Arnold Schwarzenegger being like, I don't want my kids to go through all that weightlifting I had to go through. Yeah. Right. Well, then they won't be strong.

Right. You can't skip to the end. There's no, there's no fast pass. Exactly. Or like the guy that I just had on my, my podcast about resilience.

But resilience is not steel. It's not strength. It's rubber, the ability to bounce back, that kind of thing. You know, one of the next things we're going to have to wrap up here pretty soon.

And I thought we'd get into the subject a little sooner. So we're going to I'm going to extend this just a little bit, because I really want to talk about your neurodiversity superpowers. You actually have a podcast coming up about this topic. But tell us about neurodiversity superpowers.

I already know, but I can't wait for you to share. So the concept of my podcast is going to be interviewing people who are successful because of not in spite of their neurodiversity. Now, neurodiversity is a word which is not formally defined. It used to just mean autism.

Then it kind of expanded to mean ADHD. And now it's starting to mean anything that makes you think differently from typical. So it includes anything from bipolar to dyslexia to, you know, anything makes your brain not the standard generic model brain. And that's often considered a disability, partly because they're found in school.

And so they try to fit everyone in the round hole. And if you're a square peg, they try to shave off the edges because, you know, it costs money if you got to have extra programs and this and that and the other thing. So I think that's where a lot of the disability, learning disability labels go on there. But then you spend your whole childhood thinking you're broken and thinking you're disabled.

But I started on this journey when I had a guest, Dan Mangana, on my podcast last summer. And I asked him, what I ask everyone, what makes you awesome? And Dan said, Asperger's. And I said, this is going to be an interesting show. So it turned out that his autism spectrum condition made him really good at analyzing deals, seeing business opportunities.

Like he would just he'd walk by a warehouse and be like, you know, if someone did this and this and this and this, they make a million bucks. And he managed to make and lose millions twice before he was 25. Of course, he lost millions because he couldn't understand the irrational stuff like people and regulations. So once you could take advantage of him, right, because he didn't have that social kind of cue to know that. Right.

Yeah. So like so that was his kryptonite. But once he got his diagnosis and learned he wasn't just dumb and bad at people, but actually had this particular neurotype, he was able to learn the complementary strategies. He could learn how to read people.

He could learn how to watch out for people who are lying to him and learn how these systems work and learn that, yeah, some things just don't make sense, but here's how they work. And since then, he has made and kept millions. And as I kept meeting more and more people, in fact, Jackie, on the Power Lunch podcast that you were on, Frank King was there. He has, I believe it's called persistent suicidal ideation, something like that, which sounds pretty debilitating. But it turns out that because he lives with suicidal ideation all the time, he's fearless. He's not afraid to take a risk in his career or risk in his business or live on the road being a stand-up comic for a decade because he's embraced that. He's like, yeah, that's who I am. So it's always an option. Whatever I have to lose, let's give it a shot.

And it's just more and more stories I hear of people who are successful because of, not in spite of, their learning disability or their neurotype. And then finally, I, being slow but eventually I get to the party, said, well, I've been struggling with ADHD for 20 years. And it kept me from holding down a job. It has kept me from being financially successful.

And it's kept me from having deep relationships. what if I'm one of those neurodiversity superpower people too and then I looked at my business because when the pandemic hit I stopped doing everything and finally said I'm just going to do my thing I'm going to give it a shot I'm going to stop trying to work other people's jobs I'm going to build my own thing and see where that leads me and when I did that I realized ADHD means that I have not held I've had like 18 jobs in 20 years but that means I've you learn the most in the first two months of a job, right? So I've done that 18 times. I don't have really deep relationships, which I would like to have more deep relationships, but it means I have a lot of shallow relationships, a lot of weak ties, because I'm always looking for the next thing,

because that's what ADD drives me to do. I've joined all kinds of organizations. I've been in all kinds of clubs. I don't say no. I do say no now, but I didn't say no. And people said, hey, could you run this? So I learned all these different things and got all these different skills. And everything that is the business of the guy who knows a guy is results of, having ADHD, or as I, I'm starting to call it ADN because ADHD is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. That means something's wrong with me, but attention deficit neurotype, that's just the configuration model. Yeah. I love that. I can't tell you different.

Yep. I can't tell you how much I love that. You know, we've been for years and years and years, people are trying to make mental health, um, not scary, make it more typical and yet we have, we're not changing the way we're diagnosing and the way we're labeling and what we're doing around mental health. So I'm not really sure how it's going to be more accepted or normalized, not so scary until we actually change some of the ways that we're defining it.

Well, I think beyond that too, a lot of things that people are saying are clinical are actually situational. Now there are certainly people who have neurochemical imbalances that lead to depression and anxiety and whatnot. But I cannot believe that we as a species could survive if whatever it is, 40 something percent of our species was predisposed to be depressed. Like we would not have survived in the wilderness for 2 million years if that's how it were. Now, so unless you believe we're de-evolving, it is most likely that we're depressed for a reason.

And one of the things that I've done over the past two years is I've treated anxiety like rumble strips on the highway. So if I'm feeling anxious, instead of saying, oh, oh, I'm defective, I'm, you know, my brain just doesn't work and the chemicals don't work and I'm overreacting to things. I say, what is this trying to tell me? Why don't I like this? You know, at times I've been depressed. There's, it's usually not like I randomly go, oh, it's Tuesday, I'm depressed.

It's, I'm depressed. Why am I depressed? Well, no reason. I wasn't depressed yesterday. I'm depressed now. Yeah. But what does my life look like? Big picture. What are my goals? Am I achieving them? What do I feel is meaningful? Am I doing those things? Where is my energy going?

When I feel anxious, why do I feel anxious? Oh, is it because my client just told me something that means that I thought we'd be doing something for four hours a week and they expect 14 hours a week and I don't have that time. Is that the anxiety? No. Oh, maybe it's because I fear like I'm going to be disappointing them. And we haven't communicated something. I haven't communicated to them. Maybe it's because this client's the wrong client entirely and I shouldn't be working with them. So I've started living my life to avoid things that cause anxiety and depression.

And I have less anxiety and depression. People talk about your success exists outside your comfort zone, which to a degree, if you do nothing, you need to stretch that a bit. But if you force it, very often that line is used to force people into the round hole. you know, better shave those corners off because the round holes are successes.

Yeah. Right. And, and, but if you can find your comfort zone and find where you're meant to be, you won't feel a lot of anxiety and depression because you're in alignment with what you're built to do. So I think we think of mental health as a disease to be cured, but if instead you just tap into it, be like, what is this telling me? Why am I depressed? Why am I hyperactive? Why am I anxious. And maybe it's brain chemicals. But was there ever a time when you weren't anxious?

If so, it's not brain chemicals. Yeah, that's a good point. You know, there's, I treat anxiety. I used to be like, try to do anything and everything I could to not be anxious, right?

To push it away, to distract myself from it, you know, get moving or whatever I could do to just distract myself. And instead, and now this, I rarely become anxious. I still have these overwhelming moments, right? Sometimes when, and again, like you, it's like, why what's going on?

But now instead of trying to send it away, I've named her, her name's Agnes. She pops up on my left shoulder. Typically. I'm not sure why. And she just shows up there and say, Hey, Agnes, how long are you going to be here? Thank you for letting me know. There's something I need to take care of or protect myself from or address. How long are you going to be here? Is this a five minute thing? Is this an all day thing? Is this, you know, like, or I'll say I don't have time right now because I'm booked with appointments. I'm going to my son's sporting event, whatever it is. I'll check back in with you later. It's enough to be like, because instead of trying to push it away, pretend it's not there, which is just, she's just going to be chirping, you know, waiting to get my attention. Right. So whatever works for you, I think, find it. And I, I, and until I met Frank, I would say mental health diagnoses are not a life sentence, but I guess in Frank's case,

it could be. So I can't wait to have Frank on the podcast and we're going to talk about that. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's great. And, and I was into, into, to accept that.

Could you, I will get anxiety, anxiety. I find exhausting. So if something triggers real serious anxiety, then like I might not be able to focus or work for a while, but to accept that, okay, I am now in that anxiety state. I am now not going to be functional.

so I can sit at the computer and be like, work, work, work, work, work. In which case it drains me more. I'm like, all right. I'm out, yeah, I'm out.

Okay, the car is stalled. We're not going to be driving anymore. Let me throw my headphones on and listen to an audio book for 20 minutes. Let me play a video game.

Let me, you know. Whatever it is you need to do, go do it. And even if it is a half a day or a whole day and you're going to take that day to do it, the good news is then the next day you don't have to beat yourself up for it because you gave yourself permission to take care of it. And it goes back to my favorite of the seven habits.

I need to remember the others begin with the end of mind. Yes. So, you know, your end, your objective is not work right now. Your objective is by the end of this week, I want to have made these calls, written these things, doing these things.

Well, okay. Maybe you need to take the afternoon off, but you can do it tonight. You can do it tomorrow morning or you can grind really hard through the afternoon, still get nothing done and go to bed at seven o'clock. this is also speaking of kids i don't know are we speaking of kids coaching strategies this is a coaching strategy for your kid sometimes your kids have been go go go go go do do do do do and they need that same they're anxious about something they're worried about something they're sad about something or they're just dog tired and it's okay to give them the grace to be able to have yes 20 minutes half hour half a day full day to just chill out and have that conversation with them instead of, oh, you better get to school. You got to, you can't miss day of school.

This is actually a great example. When you were on my show, we were just having an issue with, with our daughter being, you know, acting out in certain ways that we were worried that she might have depression or this or that. And she was in an afterschool program. So, so, so, you know, my wife went straight to, we got to get her psychologist. We got to get some medication.

We got to do something. And then I thought about like, so she goes to school at, she gets on the bus at 820. We pick her up from the after school program at five. That is a nine hour day with no breaks, no naps. And I then discovered that a lot of the kids are in her class and the after school program. So she's with the same kids for nine hours. And she'd been telling us what the answer was. She'd been saying, hey, could I take the bus home sometimes? I work from home. For the most part, it's not an issue. I mean, she'll be up watching TV, but okay. And for whatever reason, had this block back. No, well, she's in the, that's probably not the solution. And finally, I'm like, okay, why don't you try taking the bus home now and then? And now she takes it home almost every day and she's fine. And she's not having this, this pressure because she's not at school for nine hours. Sometimes it's not neurological or neurochemical. It's they're exhausted and they don't know, you know, she didn't know how to express. I think I'm at school too long and it is draining my willpower. And so I'm having an emotional reaction to that.

Right. She just knew I don't like it. I'd rather not do it and couldn't express it. And now we give her the choice. And she, and, and every, it's by the default is she's going to stay at the program every single day for the last two weeks.

Dear teacher, Roman will be taking the bus today. Dear teacher, Roman will be taking the bus today. Every day I said that, that one-off email, but it, she is making that every morning. She's like, can I take the bus home tonight? Sure.

because I'm giving her that power. I think that's giving her more confidence and it's eliminating the problem because she knows she's seven, but she's smart. Yes. Yeah. It's hard.

Some parents don't have that ability to be able to have their kids home, you know, after school. And so I feel for you, if you're a parent out there that your kids have to be in school after school daycare all day, but sit in one of those programs, go to school all day with your kid and do exactly what they do. And then go to the afterschool program with your kid and do exactly what they do. And then tell me that you could do that every single day.

Now, some programs do a really nice job of making sure there's down, there's places for kids to have downtime, quiet time, different areas, but not every program has that ability. So even if it's not an option for you, just talk to your kids about it. Let them know you understand. Yeah. That's what I was going to say is talking about communicating with your kids and informing them. You know, if it is, you have to work. And so they have to be in the program, share them.

This is a challenge we have in the world we live in. Mom and dad both have to work or I'm a single parent or whatever. This is what I have to do to pay the bills. And so you're part of this is that you have to be in that program.

And I know you don't like it. I don't always like going to work. Now we need to. And what can we do to make it better for you?

Let's let's let's brainstorm and figure out some things that we can do to make it better for you so that it isn't so overwhelming every day, all day. All right. Well, the guy who knows the guy, Michael Whitehouse, you have been a pleasure. I think I'm going to have to have you back on periodically just to talk regular parent talk.

I love this. And I also, especially once we have the neurodiversity superpowers podcast up and running, I would definitely send me that link and make sure that I'll get that in the show notes. I can always add it later if need be. But everyone can just, if they just go to guy who knows a guy.com, that's my master page for everything. I was just going to ask you about that. How do we, how do we get in touch with you? Guy who knows a guy.com. And then you have everything, a power lunch live. That's what I was on, right? Yep. Yep. The morning motivation, which is a daily motivational podcast. I got the power five podcast, which is five minutes, four days a week, answering questions about business and business and marketing and networking and life and such. And actually if they go to that site at the top as a place to put in their email and they will get a copy of my book, the guy who knows a guy, which is all about networking.

And then there'll be added to, to other distribution lists where I'll be sharing different programs I know, because, you know, I know a guy and, you know, different programs I know and things I'm doing in my podcast and all that kind of stuff. So they want to stay informed. They can just go to guywhoknowsaguy.com and type in their info at the top and they'll be kept in the loop of Michael Whitehouse, the guy who knows a guy.

You are a master networker. So if there's, if you're a parents, if you're out there, you run a company, you need more business, you want more connections. Michael is your guy because he does know a guy. Well, thank you so much for being on the show today, Michael. Yes, thank you for having me. Thank you for tuning in to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey? Like this podcast, subscribe, share, or leave a review of the show. Your support of the No Problem Parenting Podcast pays it forward and helps us help more families.

Thank you.