What is Reactive Attachment Disorder-Part 2

Welcome back to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. We have created this space for you so that you can seek first to understand why your child is behaving the way they are, and we can really go deeper with our own behaviors and what is happening with our children from the inside out. I promise you there is a solution for your parenting problems. Welcome back for part two of what is reactive attachment disorder.

Let me first just give you the definition of attachment disorders. So attachment disorders are the psychological result of negative experiences with caregivers, usually since infancy, that disrupt the exclusive and unique relationship between children and their primary caregivers. These children did not learn to trust adults. And in episode one or part one, I talked about some of the causes of attachment disorder like maternal ambivalence, in utero trauma, abuse, neglect, maternal separation or maternal depression, ongoing pain in the child or the infant, poor daycare or repeated moves, lots of different moving from different daycares and having new providers or multiple foster homes, that kind of thing.

and then also poor parenting, parents that just don't have good skills and aren't real available to the child. And then in part one, I also talked about some of the symptoms in infants and toddlers. And now today, I want to go into more of the symptoms that we find or that we see in children and teenagers who have attachment disorder or attachment issues. You know, I kind of like to think of attachment disorder as a spectrum. I don't know if that's, I mean, again, I'm not a therapist. I'm not being clinically appropriate when I talk about this. This is just really my experiences with kids. And, you know, not everybody has this diagnosis or gets the diagnosis. And my job as a parent coach really isn't to diagnose or treat your child therapeutically. My job is to help you respond to the difficult or defiant or withdrawn behaviors that you're encountering with your kids on a regular basis in your home outside of the therapy office. So let's talk about what some of these symptoms look like. They often have an aversion to touch. They just dislike physical affection unless it's on their terms. So that's not to say that they won't ever come and give you a hug or go hug grandma or someone else. In fact, often they're more prone to hugging other people instead of their mom or their dad. But they'll do it on their terms. But if your kiddo is,

you're going to hug them and you want to pick them up and snuggle them or they're, you know, older child and you're trying to go over and give them a hug because they just, you know, shared some sad news with you or bad news with you or something, they'll often move your hand away or your arms away and kind of deflect that touch. They don't want that hug from you. They often flinch or they'll maybe laugh and get really silly.

Or sometimes they'll even say, ouch, if you try to hug them. So rather than producing positive feelings, touch and affection can be perceived by these kids as a threat. Now, that can often kind of take a parent aback and make you feel rejected by your kid, right? But again, and I talk about this in my course, seeking first to understand why they're doing that helps us not take those reactions personally.

These kiddos have sort of extreme control issues. So while all kids want control and we want our kids to have control, we want to make sure that they have as much control as is safe and appropriate, right, for their age. But these kiddos often go to great lengths to remain in control. and really it's out of, it's so that they can avoid feeling helpless.

When they don't trust the adults around them or their caretakers, that those adults have their best interest in mind, oftentimes these kids will feel like you're tricking them. And so they're often disobedient. They're defiant. They're argumentative.

they have lots of anger problems, right? Their anger can, you know, be expressed directly, and you'll see it very outwardly with, you know, tantrums. Sometimes those tantrums can go on for an hour or more, or they're just acting out, and it just seems like they're purposefully doing the opposite of whatever you ask them to do, and they kind of look at you out of the corner of their eye, like, what are you going to do about it? They can be manipulative or appear manipulative.

They can have very passive-aggressive behavior. We see that a lot. But children with RAD often hide that anger. Now, not always. Some kids just can't. And usually when you have a reactive attachment disorder, there's other diagnoses that come along with that. It can be oppositional defiant disorder. Sometimes they're diagnosed conduct disorder. But oftentimes these kiddos will hide their anger in public. So they're not acting out in front of the relatives at a family function, or they're not acting out in school. They're not acting out with peer groups. They usually reserve those quote-unquote worst behaviors for you at home, which can be very frustrating as a parent because you're dealing with the backtalk and the sometimes violence,

You know, the destructiveness or the anger and hurtfulness and rejection at home. And then other people in public, extended family, the community, people at church, they're not seeing that side of your kid. And so then when you talk about it or complain about it or you're frustrated about it, people are looking at you like, what is wrong with you? Your kid is so sweet and charming.

And so it can be very hard for the parent when no one else sees that other side of the kids. And that leads me into another symptom for these kiddos, which is difficulty showing care and affection, like genuine care and affection. So kids with attachment disorder often act inappropriately affectionate with strangers. you know so that's why I'm like I'm saying that they'll at home you're not getting the hugs they're pushing you away they're rejecting your love and affection but then in public you know they're going to hug grandma or they're hugging the stranger at church that you maybe just met you know maybe it's somebody you've seen at church but you don't really know them and your kid's running up to them so they're superficially engaging and charming with others maybe indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, and then they're not affectionate with parents,

or at least not on the parents' terms. Doesn't mean you won't always get a hug, but sometimes you'll get that hug and it'll be too hard of a hug. You know, sometimes they'll squeeze you just too tight and it doesn't feel right, but you don't want to turn it away because it's like, oh, at least they're hugging me. Okay. And often they can become destructive to themselves or others or material things. So they usually lack impulse control or they'll frequently act hyperactive, which a lot of times I like to remind the parents that sometimes it's not that they're hyperactive, but that they're hypersensitive to their surroundings. And this can look different depending again on the child's trauma history, the reason for their break and attachment.

I've worked with kids who have had to be removed from their home. You know, a social worker comes to school to pick them up after school, and then they're brought to a foster home. And oftentimes those kids, especially if it happened more than once, but they have sort of this hyper sensitive, like they're always looking over their shoulder and scanning new people in a room because they're not sure, is that person going to come and remove me? And am I going to be with my family?

Or am I going to be at the same foster home? That kind of thing. So they can be quite hypervigilant with good reason, right? And then one of the most difficult symptoms, I believe the most difficult, is that sometimes these kids can have an underdeveloped conscience. Kids with reactive attachment disorder might act like they don't have a conscience. They might fail to show guilt or regret or remorse after they've behaved poorly. They actually, in my experience, they actually do feel bad. They just can't get themselves to acknowledge that. And they certainly aren't going to want to appear weak or vulnerable because remember as an infant or an early a little child when they were vulnerable and and tried to trust and connect with the adults around them but didn't get that reciprocated right or didn't get that consistent structure nurture and care even though they took that risk maybe two three four five times you know as a little as one, they're not going to go through that rejection again. They just can't. In fact,

sometimes to them, they feel like, especially the teenagers I've talked to over the years that have attachment issues, they'll say things like, I'm afraid I'll die. Like they literally fear that they'll die if they fully trust and connect with their parents. Now, other behaviors that these kiddos sometimes display that aren't necessarily symptoms and they're behaviors that we find in children who have other trauma disorders or mental health diagnoses, but lack of eye contact, especially on the parent's terms.

They'll often kind of disengage and not want to look you in the eye unless they're lying. Those of you parents out there that are raising kids on the attachment disorder spectrum, as I call it, you'll know what that means. You'll know the difference. They can also lie about the obvious.

They'll have a half-eaten cookie in their hand, crumbs on their mouth, and you'll say, hey, who said you could have a cookie? And they'll say, I didn't have a cookie. And it's like clearly obvious that they did have the cookie. Now, I teach parents not to ask kids if they've done something that the parent knows that they have actually done, because we don't want to set up our kids to lie or lie again.

Another thing is sometimes they will be inappropriately demanding and clingy and want to sort of be hanging on you or be around you or not leave your side. And that can be confusing when you're trying to be affectionate with them or kind or, you know, connecting with them and they push you away. And then on the flip side, they'll be like really demanding and clingy, especially in front of other people. And you're sort of like, hey, you just rejected me. Now you're kind of pushing them away.

And that can be very frustrating and confusing as well. They can also be super chatty, like nonsense questions, just persistent nonsense questions and lots of chatter. And they just don't stop talking. And they're sort of talking about all these things that aren't really making sense and are confusing. And you're just like, oh, please just be quiet for a little bit. I know it can sound mean, but it's like sometimes just turn it off. And sometimes that's due to anxiety.

And depending on the situation that you're in or where you're at, if things are, you know, super stimulating, if there's a lot of noise or there's big crowds or things, sometimes that's just sort of an anxiety thing that they just talk and talk and talk and talk. All right. So I'm also going to give you a few ideas or tips about what does not work when you're parenting a kiddo with attachment issues. So number one, attempting to persuade them to change their mind or to convince them to do something because it's going to be good for them, or especially if you're trying to convince them and they think it's going to be good for you, the parent. So, you know, if you're trying to give them logical or reasonable or practical information,

they're most likely unlikely to be influenced by anything that's reasonable. These kiddos have a strong need for control, which can be extremely frustrating as a parent. And so oftentimes we're, we get in this battle of trying to gain control and we get in this like tug of war with our kid and our goal is that we're going to win this battle and we're going to win this control, right? Well, that typically never works with a child in an intervention with them.

Trying to force control or win a battle is just you're going to be beating your head up against a wall. Rad kids experience parents' frustration and anger as proof that they are actually effectively controlling you. So when they can get you upset, when they can get you really mad and get you to the point of, you know, sheer frustration of you are going to do this and get you in that tug of war, it really only kind of inflates their sense of power.

So emotional reactivity does not work. Nor does trying to negotiate with them. You know, if you do this, I'll give you that. If you do this, I won't give you that.

negotiation is just not a good technique for these kiddos. And the last thing I'll share that doesn't work is rescuing your kiddo from the consequences of their behavior or attempting to solve their problem for them. And I'm going to get into some things that do work, but trying to rescue them and make it better for them is typically not a good idea and you're really not going to end up with a good result. The things that are most successful with these kiddos are, number one, a sense of humor. And it can be tricky because you don't want to be making fun of the kiddo, right? Sometimes they can mistake your humor as making fun of them. So there's a little balance with that. You got to make sure that you're not using sarcasm, but you're actually being playful and fun with your sense of humor. Another thing is to be curious. Curious about how things will develop versus a focus on the end result and being worried about if your kid's going to do the right thing or if the technique you're using is going to be successful. Making sure that you're curious about how things are going to turn out so that if things don't go as well as you planned, you're not upset by that, which leads to then, you know, more issues,

behavior issues with your kid. So being able to meet your kiddo where they're at versus where you want them to be or you hope that they'll be and being emotionally available and responsive to them despite a negative result is really key. Curiosity puts us in the front part of our brain in our prefrontal cortex where logic is, right? So it's much better for us to be curious about our kids so we're not in that back part of our brain or, you know, that fight or flight part. And it's also helpful to use some humor and to be inquisitive and ask kids questions so we're getting them in the curious part of their brain. Or we're doing fun things or random things that make them wonder why we're doing what we're doing. Because when they're wondering why we're doing what we're doing, they're in that curious part of their brain. Now, even when you use your sense of humor and curiosity and you're being emotionally available and responsive and not looking to the future and being super worried all the time about your kids or defensive with them, even when you're doing all those things, kids with attachment problems can be super exhausting, okay? No matter if they're your adoptive child, foster child, or your biological child. These kiddos have a sixth sense for finding every button to push, and they will push all of them. And I want to make sure if you've reached the point of feeling like you're ineffective, you're discouraged, you're frustrated,

you're at, you know, kind of on the edge with them, that's a warning sign that you should seek professional help. And if you don't know where to turn or who to reach out to, make sure you give me a call and I will help direct you to someone that can help. And if nothing else, go to attach.org.

It's a great resource with a variety of therapists and resources for you at that site. Okay? Kiddles with attachment or trauma-related issues do much better with clear limits and boundaries even though they're going to test the heck out of those. They do much better with clear limits and boundaries. They do much better with confident parents that have the ability to remain calm even when the child is upset or misbehaving. And when you have lost your cool, it is really important that you initiate an apology and quickly address the mistake or your behavior. And the last most important thing is that you as a parent have support.

This can be tricky to find because if you're relying on friends and family and school teachers or community resources, your church, and those people don't understand the diagnosis or the disorder or actually all the things that are happening in your home, you can feel rejected by them. So it's really important to educate your friends and family and community members and teachers on what's happening with your child. This takes a little bit of time.

I have found with a couple of families that I've worked with this year or since COVID that it's been actually easier to communicate this with our friends and family because we can do a Zoom meeting and the parents will invite me in to do a little bit of education so that your support people are hearing it from someone else. And then we can have a little bit of a discussion on what you guys need for support, what is supportive and the things that aren't supportive or don't feel good.

Most often your friends and family do want to help and they do want to support, but it's like anything. We don't know what we don't know. And so sometimes friends or family will say things that are hurtful or seem uncaring or flippant, and they really probably don't mean it like that, right? They just don't know how to help you, and they're kind of tired of not knowing how to help you, right? They feel bad. And they might even be distancing themselves from you because every time you call when you're upset or you're frustrated or you're hurting, they don't know how to make it better. So education and inviting them in to the actual things that are happening in your home and the experiences you're having and talking about the hard stuff can be super helpful and beneficial. I'm going to finish this up by sharing a little bit from attach.org.

If you click on their trauma and attachment tab, I love what they say. It's maybe halfway down on that page. And they say, depending on a person's specific experiences and support systems, the result of attachment disorder can show up in many different ways and can place individuals across a spectrum of attachment development and needs. It is important to understand that you and everyone you've ever met falls somewhere on this spectrum of needs.

As humans, our craving for belonging and love is ingrained and inherent. A person's relationship with attachment and trauma makes them no less human and no less worthy of love. This is the No Problem Parenting Podcast, a place for parents who care and are allowed to learn in real time. No fixing, no fluff, just steady leadership for real kids and real homes.

We can help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. thanks again for listening today see you next time