What is No-Problem Parenting

Hello again, parents. Welcome back. See, as promised today, I'm going to share with you what the heck no problem parenting is, what it means, and a little bit about how this model was born. And I'll start with the short answer.

No problem parenting acknowledges, first off, that you're going to have problems raising your kids. In fact, it is my only guarantee, really. I guarantee you're going to have problems raising your kids. But it's how we respond to problems that can make or break our relationship with our kids.

So no problem parenting says, hey, problem, I see you over there trying to put a wedge in my relationship with my kid. I got this. No problem. There's just three steps to becoming a no problem parent.

And the first thing we need to do is seek first to understand why is my child behaving the way they are? Why are they displaying the behaviors they are? And why am I responding the way I am? And we're going to look at whether you respond logically and or with confidence, or are you reacting instead of responding?

Are your kids constantly catching you off guard or are they constantly displaying the same behaviors over and over and over? And you're like, OK, enough already. Just how can I get my kid to listen? So step two is preparing for the worst.

You know, a lot of times the behaviors that our kids throw our way are chronic. You know, they're the same thing over and over and over. So if you know that the behavior is going to happen and you're dealing with the same sort of behavior problem all the time, you can prepare for how to handle that problem, how to respond versus react. And then in step three, it's all about changing the conversation.

By the time you have done your homework and kind of taken a look at why your kid might be behaving the way they're behaving and you've prepared yourself to deal with and respond to the problematic behavior, you've already started to change the conversation. So in step three, we're really looking at providing empathy, unconditional praise, but also conditional praise. And I go through all of that in the online on-demand course.

So how did I get to the point where I could take a problem and turn it into a no problem? Well, it really started with perspective. And so now I'm going to go into sort of the long answer. And bear with me. This will be a little bit longer episode, but I'll try to summarize.

And, you know, in future episodes, we're going to talk more about how to turn a problem into a no problem. But this is really just sort of a story that first introduced no problem to me. So I'm the middle child of five, and truth be told, that while I had a pretty great childhood, our family definitely dealt with and overcame many problems. I'm not going to disclose all of those here, but what I will tell you is that my imperfect childhood and my imperfect parents instilled in me the ability to be resilient and understanding.

They set a foundation of faith for me and also the freedom to choose my own path as I grew up and make my own decisions later in life, starting really with the elementary years, but progressively allowing me to make more decisions on my own later in life. And now they still encourage me to do things the way I thought was best, but they also had a strong opinion, as many parents do, of the best way to handle certain situations.

They led with lots of caution, but also the virtues that we had in our family of just really being respectful, responsible, and making sure that we did the best we could to keep ourselves and others safe. But ultimately, they gave me perspective and they taught me the art of reframing. My mom had a home daycare until all five of us kids were in school. And then once we were all in school, she became a paraprofessional and a respite care provider for kids with different abilities.

And I was coming home from school one day and it was a Friday. And I found out that my mom was going to be caring for a 16-year-old girl. And that's how old I was at the time. Mom was going to care for this girl for the weekend to give her parents and her brothers a chance to take a vacation.

Where they were going, their daughter's wheelchair wouldn't allow her to go along or the accommodations would be extra difficult for their daughter to be with. And so my mom was going to care for her for the weekend. I'll call this girl Faith. I remember my mom telling me how she'd reassured Faith's parents that their daughter was going to have a great weekend with their family.

And she was also really empathetic, saying she understood how bittersweet it must have been for the parents to be leaving Faith behind while giving their boys this opportunity that they couldn't have otherwise had, or at least not had with both mom and dad along, if they hadn't had somebody to care for Faith. My mom was always super good at finding the good in a situation. She was a pro at empathizing with others' fears, their worries, their doubts, their sadness.

And she'd encourage them not to sweat the small stuff or let the negative thoughts take over the joy that they really deserved. And I admired my mom's ability to make other people feel so validated and supported and encouraged. And when I met Faith, I was taken aback. And honestly, I was immediately sad.

She was 16. She was the same age as me at the time. And she was blind. She couldn't talk.

and really she couldn't move much on her own. She had the most beautiful eyes and the longest brown hair. Oh my gosh, I remember her hair was so long. It was so pretty and it was perfectly braided.

And I remember I asked my mom if Faith could hear me or understand me when I was talking to her. And my mom said yes. She said, you know, Faith will talk to you in her way and you'll be able to see her eyes light up and her smile shine when she gets excited. She'll make some noise or you'll know when she's laughing. You'll know when she's happy. You know, this was new to me and I was kind of unsure and I had this sympathy for Faith and, you know, I just really, I was feeling sad, but I pushed through that and thought that was kind of selfish and, you know, here's this beautiful girl.

She deserves, you know, my friendship and understanding. So I took Faith's hand and I shook her hand and introduced myself. And I told her a little bit about me and I complimented her on her hair and, you know, her outfit, describing the colors and admiring her fashionable style. And then I went to another room and I cried.

I'm becoming a little emotional thinking about it because it's been years. I've thought about Faith. I didn't think it was fair that I was about to go out with my friends for the night and this innocent same age girl didn't have that opportunity. And then my mom said, Jackie, Faith will love to hear all about your night tomorrow. You go live it up tonight for you and her and then include her in the fun and have a conversation with her tomorrow. And then mom hugged me and assured me that it was okay. So you see, my no problem attitude really started with my mom. She used to take a problem and find the good. And now, of course, it wasn't always sunshine and roses because when we're faced with problems, we of course get upset, we get sad,

we get scared, and you know, all the feels, right? But my mom taught me that so much in life is about perspective. And despite the many problems that Faith and her family encountered and endured every day, Faith's life was a gift. And what a gift she was to so many of us. Her presence literally lit up a room and filled people with gratitude for the everyday gifts that we often unintentionally take for granted. Faith taught me how to appreciate sitting still, communicating through touch and not sight and being able to connect through smiles and laughter and just be together. And what I wanted to see as a problem turned into a no problem.

So when I graduated from high school, I got a job as a paraprofessional. I wanted to be like my mom. I wanted to be understanding and supportive and helpful. And so I got this job in our local school district. And I also got a second job with a nonprofit agency that allowed me to provide after-school care to the students that I worked with during the day. So I could go home with them and hang out with them. I continued to learn how to communicate with and support kids with different abilities. And I even started college with the intent of becoming a special ed director. That was like my big goal. And then when I was 20, I was asked to care for a 10-year-old student who was expelled from several schools, had significant behavior problems at home,

and had a diagnosis called reactive attachment disorder. They needed somebody to work with this kiddo in her home full time, which of course I couldn't do at the time. So there were a few of us women that supported this girl in her home. But before I took that job, I actually turned it down three times because I had no idea what RAD was, reactive attachment disorder or RAD.

I had no idea what that was. Mental health wasn't on my radar. I had no experience with anything mental health related. And when I finally did learn what reactive attachment disorder was, I was like, what?

Why would they want me to work with her? I am so not qualified. But the fourth time they called, I thought, OK, maybe there's a reason why they keep asking me and I should take the opportunity to learn from this. So I said yes.

Now, that experience would be the start of my career in mental health. And in another episode, I'm going to address what reactive attachment disorder is and a little bit more about that. But just fast forwarding through to finish up this long story about how No Problem Parenting was started. By 1995, so I was, what, 23-ish by then, I pursued a job with a nonprofit agency as an in-home family counselor.

I had spent a number of years working in the school district and then learning about this reactive attachment disorder. And I had worked a year, a full year, I think even maybe longer than that, with this girl, this 10-year-old girl and her family. And they had eventually moved to get therapeutic treatment for their daughter. And so then I was kind of out of a job.

I could have went back full time in the school district, but I, you know, I just decided I was really intrigued by the mental health world and this diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder. So I was fortunate enough to be hired by an agency as a mental health practitioner. And because of my experience, even though I hadn't finished my degree, I qualified to be a mental health practitioner. So in that job, I worked all in-home family based services.

So we would go to the family's home and teach kids coping skills based on their mental health diagnosis. We taught behavior management and all that kind of jazz. So for several years, I worked with that agency in child protective services. We would try to prevent out-of-home placements and or we would reunify kids who were removed from their home due to abuse or neglect.

And then we also, I transitioned into working more with children's mental health. And so providing services to families who had children with significant behavior problems, anxiety, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, ADHD, just, you know, all the things. And about 10 years into that job, I became a program coordinator for the agency for our clinical teams. We were spread out in about 30 counties in Minnesota.

And then I'm going to keep fast forwarding here. By 2011, I was driving 3,000 to 5,000 miles a month, coordinating meetings for our staff, hiring, terminating, creating mental health programming. I started the first early childhood mental health program in Head Start. That was actually up in Morrison County.

And then I also assisted with developing mental health programs within school districts in Minnesota. And so, you know, I was doing a lot of coordinating, administrative kinds of stuff, team building, and I was just getting further and further away from the counseling and the coaching work that really filled my tank. And I was working a lot, driving a lot. I spent, I think, most of 2012 and 2013 figuring out how and gaining the courage to leave this stable job with a company that I absolutely loved and thought I would retire from to start my own company because I just really wanted to help parents help their kids.

So by November of 2013, I founded Hello World with a mission of awakening attachment. Most of my clients at the beginning were parents raising kids with reactive attachment disorder because that really was my specialty. I had researched the disorder and I spent lots of time with therapeutic parents who were working with kids with attachment disorder and shadowing those therapeutic parents and sitting in on therapy sessions and watching therapy sessions through a one-way mirror.

and I just was all in with reactive attachment disorder. Those kiddos have a very special place in my heart as do their parents. But by 2018, I was getting a lot of requests from parents that weren't raising kids with a mental health diagnosis. You know, parents that were just sick and tired of dealing with defiant behavior, getting calls at work to come pick up their kids from school, you know, toddlers who were wet noodling on the floor or in the grocery store and just not settling in.

teenagers that were back talking constantly on technology and not only being disrespectful, but we're also making some risky decisions that were putting them in dangerous situations. So all parents were calling me with just a variety of needs. And I started getting more and more clients, you know, that didn't have kids with mental health issues. And then my travel time started to increase. I was getting more and more clients, but I was getting clients from all over the state of Minnesota and driving, you know, to Minneapolis and Duluth and Brainerd and Laverne and Redwood Falls and Mankato and just all over the place. Those of you from Minnesota know that's a huge territory. I was like, I got to do something else because not only was the travel time taking a lot of, you know, one-on-one time with parents away from me, it was also costly for the parents.

And so I started meeting parents on Zoom back in 2018. And, you know, it was really kind of awkward at first. It felt really impersonable because I had spent 20 years doing in-home family counseling face-to-face with families where they're less vulnerable in their home. And so doing the Zoom visits was kind of awkward.

And I was a little nervous. But guess what? the benefits of doing those Zoom visits, meeting with those parents, totally exceeded my expectations. And to this day, it is really one of my favorite ways to meet with families. It was so much easier to schedule meetings with parents when neither they or I had to figure in travel. If both parents worked outside the home, we could meet over their lunch hour. You know, one parent's at one job, the other parent's at another job, and we could join in and meet together. If one parent couldn't make the meeting, we could record the session so that they could watch it later. And parents could get their kids to bed and meet later in the evening. And because we would meet virtually,

we actually get to work right away without distractions. And, you know, sometimes the meetings actually only take 30 minutes versus an hour because you don't have all those, you know, oh, welcome to my home. And do you need the bathroom? And would you like something to drink? And, you know, here's our dog. Are you, you know, all the things. And on the flip side of that, we could actually meet even longer than an hour because I wasn't traveling. So I had more time in the day to have longer sessions. The perspective of virtual meetings being impersonable actually shifted rather quickly. And now I think how unfortunate it would be if virtual meetings weren't an option. All right. So anyway, by the end of 2018, I was seeing more parents than ever.

and I started noticing some common themes to what I was coaching parents on. I started, the more sessions I had, the more I was like, I'm kind of seeing some of the same things. Or sometimes I would think I said something to a parent and I didn't. And they'd be like, wait, what are you talking about? And I'm like, oh no, I thought I covered that with you.

So anyway, I went back and I started to review the hundreds of recorded meetings. and I found some of those common themes and put a name to them and that is really how no problem parenting was created. So again there's just three foundational teachings with no problem parenting. Seek first to understand why is my child behaving the way they are and why am I responding the way I am. Step two prepare for the worst and step three change the conversation. Now this program is just 96 minutes of video. And actually you can, you can listen to it with just the audio as well.

Kind of like a podcast. It's broken up into small segments between like two to 10 minute video recordings or clips so that you can listen at your leisure and then pick up where you left off. We don't have a lot of time as parents. And just when you think, oh, I've got 15 minutes, you know, somebody is coming in and interrupting your time. So it's really neat that the video sessions are like I said between two to ten minutes. There's also a 19 page workbook that is really print friendly so you can print it out, make notes, follow along with the recording and or you can just download it as a pdf. So you don't have to buy the course. Some people ask me that they're like is that the only way I learn how to become a no problem parent? I can teach you the model in one-on-one sessions but if you're on a tight budget or you don't have time to add another meeting to your calendar, the online on-demand course is going to save you that time and money.

And you can even recoup your cost of the course by registering to become an affiliate. That way, when you refer the course to someone else, you can earn 20%, which is about $100 for everyone that purchases the course via your affiliate link. So how cool is that? Refer five friends and your course is essentially paid for. So there you have it, guys. I know that was a little bit of a plug too, but you know, this podcast is going to help me expand my reach and get no problem parenting in the homes of more parents. Perspective is everything and problems are meant to be dealt with and overcome. So if you're sick and tired of dealing with problem after problem in your home and you'd like to get off the fear or the struggle bus, go to noproblemparenting.com and begin your journey in becoming a no problem parent.

All right, everybody, I'll see you next time. And you're gonna hear from mom, Casey. Mom, Casey is gonna share with you how no problem parenting helped her become the confident leader that her five-year-old craved her to be. For now, hugs and high five, parents.

You got this.