Interview with a No-Problem Parent™

Welcome back to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey, today I have a special guest with me. This is a mom that I worked with about a year ago who called when she was just at her wits end with how to help her child. He was five at the time and just did not seem to care about consequences.

And while mom could manage the behaviors at home, mostly by giving in to the demands just to keep the peace, she really knew she needed to help him when things became a problem at school. So she reached out, we talked about some different reasons why her child was misbehaving, got to the root of the problem, prepared for the worst, and then gave strategies and tips on how she could change the conversation with her kiddo at home.

So let's jump right in and learn from this mom about some of the things that worked the best and that she found the most success in. The things that I was, I've been so proud about is, I think you, the lessons that you taught me have helped me work with him on the size of problems. And so he in the backseat of the car, he spilled an entire animals in the car, which is a yogurt drink. Right. I have black leather seats and it was a pink colored yogurt drink everywhere.

And I honestly like before you, I would have gotten angry and yelled about how irresponsible. And then I would have and then he would have been mad back. And then he would have probably said something like, I don't deserve to ever drink yogurt drinks ever in the future because he gets really dramatic like that about punishing himself. And so and instead, he said, I said, it's okay.

It's not a big deal. Here are some napkins. And he said, this is a little problem, mom. And I was so proud because he really has understood the difference between what's not a problem and what is a bigger issue.

Right. And so he was able to kind of say, hey, this isn't a big deal. This is no problem. This is just, we'll just wipe it up.

It's fine. We're, you know, it's just, just a mess. It's not something, anything other than that. You know what I mean?

So I thought that was really awesome. I love that. When the kids can, when the kids can learn it and say, no problem, that's, oh, that's the goal. I don't think it was just a kid learning.

I feel like I also understood that it was a no problem thing. Like, I feel like you taught both of us that it was a no problem situation. Well, I taught you. I would have been upset.

I would have been upset before, too. Yeah. Well, you just nailed it. I taught you and you taught your kid.

Yeah. And years ago, when I was doing the skills counseling work and everything, it was my job to teach the kid and the parents, you know, I'd fill them in like, well, this is what I told them, you know, so I've kind of shifted that focus. I want to teach you so that because I'm not there in those moments, right? And that wouldn't work, right?

Like if you had taught him that wasn't a problem and then he spilled yogurt in my car and I freaked out, how much do you think he would have believed that it really wasn't a problem? Exactly. It would not have worked. But I felt like, wow, I actually learned that this isn't a problem.

And I get to model that for him. And it's absorbing, right? Like he's getting it. Right.

Yeah. I just did. I'm recording some videos and things. And I just did one on spilled milk.

You know, how are you supposed to say no problem when, you know, the kid takes a gallon jug of milk out and they can't even lift it and it splashes all over the floor and you're like, this is a problem. I'm good. I'm good with like the first time a kid does that. What I where I really struggle is when it's like their 20th mistake. Right. Like, like, I told you that you need to put a lid on that milk every day for the last two weeks and you still have spilled it over and over again. Right.

Like that's when I really struggle to, to maintain my cool is because it was, it's not a problem, but the fact that you're not listening or you're not absorbing or learning from your mistakes is the problem I'm really upset about. And, you know, and so it's, it takes a lot for me in those situations to remember it's not a problem. Well, and in the moment it does cause a problem, right? It's not no problem. Parents know that it doesn't mean that problems aren't problems, right? We just need to figure out how we can make it, how we can turn it into a no problem and not let it wreck the entire day. Right. Yeah. If the problem is that he's not learning from his mistakes, me yelling about the spilled milk is not going to accomplish anything. Right. Like,

right. Yeah. And we're all human. And so sometimes, I mean, I do, but you, you flip out because you're, you know, hurried or busy or just tired or stressed or whatever. And something like that happens and it's like, ah, another thing, you know, and then you, you overreact. And then later, the good news is kids are so resilient. So later you can come back and be like, you know what?

Mom did not handle that very well at all. I was, you know, and so then we can do, and I'm sorry, I handled it that way. Yeah. Can you, will you forgive me? And that just that little bit of conversation, people think, well, what's the big deal, but will you forgive me that? It's like, no, say that because you're modeling that and teaching that when we do explode, because we all do it, you know, you can go back and make it right and repair that. I was going to say too, another thing that you can do if you have chronic milk spillers, it sounds like I didn't know that, but it sounds like you have an issue. You know, actually they've been really good. That was more of like when they were younger, like actually the most part, they're pretty good about it, but.

Yeah. But I love that example because it's, it's a, it's sort of a simple practical kind of example to use, but you can say to a kid who continuously does that, right? This is a silly example, but it's an example. Then the next time you go to the grocery store, you have them buy the milk.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a good idea. You set it up. So it's like, okay, we got to go to the grocery store tonight. You know, the milk costs $4, whatever. Go grab your piggy bank. I don't have $4 mom. Well, what can we sell? What can you trade in for the milk? And people again, will say, that's so silly or that's so weird but if you want to lock the lesson in and really get them to focus on not spilling the milk because it cost me actual money or a cost me a toy you know or it cost me a chore what what chore can you do that's worth four dollars that's gonna you know help mom so that i can pay for the milk you know take time when you you only have to do it a couple one one time for some kids they'll figure it out right away other kids will test the limit right and they'll think well she'll not she's not going to do that again because i threw such a fit you know know or I made that so hard she's not gonna mom will never do that again or she'll forget right but then you do it so it happens again and you do it again and it's real nonchalant it's not like you're mad it's not it's just very matter of fact that this is what happens you know oh my gosh a gallon of milk spilled you know that costs money and then they start to pay attention and focus on that they they they um the milk becomes more important you know they think about the value and what the cost is. Right. So you can apply that to anything, not just milk. Well, you know,

we have used your lesson about, you know, how can I make it up to you? So that was one of the things that we tried to focus on with Spencer, which is because he has said before that he said, I'm sorry, doesn't mean anything. He said it doesn't fix anything and it doesn't do anything. And so I know from working with you, you had talked about how do we can, how can we, how we can't fix things, but how do we help make someone feel better? And I can't remember what it was, but there was something that he did to hurt his brother, like just to wrong him somehow.

And then afterwards he went up to his room and he gave him one of his toys to make it up to him. And I was, I was happy to see that because I was like, well, he's getting that he can't fix it, but he can try to help make the other person feel better. And one of the things that his teacher said at school is that he's extremely empathetic to the other child in the class that has ADHD. When that child has struggles and is crying, he's really empathetic and he goes over to him and tries to help him. And I think that it's just, it's kind of amazing because I don't think empathy was something that he really understood, you know, a couple of years ago. But I think some of the lessons that you've worked with us on have helped show him how to be empathetic when you've hurt somebody or when someone is hurting and I don't think that was there before so that was really I love that I love that and he's yeah six yeah six okay yeah and that's okay they can figure it out and you know yeah I mean a year ago I would have not thought that we would be here right now like I would not it was such a struggle a year ago that I was like is he ever gonna understand that other people have feelings he was just so inwardly focused about his own feelings which I guess he's five right so they're all a little self-centered right but it's nice that's a great segue I was going to ask you what was going on um if you can tell us what was going on before

you and I met oh yeah so um uh before you and I met um I think the major thing that was going on was um Spencer was not listening to anything. He did what he wanted whenever he wanted and he didn't care about anything else. He didn't care about punishment. He didn't care about who he hurt, whether that was physically hitting. If someone took a toy away from him, he had no problem doing that.

He would not sit still for lessons, for reading, for anything. He wouldn't listen to teachers. It wasn't just parents. I probably had the easiest time getting him to do things, but it wasn't because he was listening to me, it was because it happened to be something he decided he also wanted to do. Right. So, I mean, he was his own person doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. That's the short version of the story.

Yeah. And, and so what made you, what got, how did you hear about me or Hello World? And then what made you call? I heard about Hello World from Michelle Pape, who I work with through EPG.

And I had been crying in an EPG meeting about how my son had gotten kicked out of a school. And I didn't know what to do. And I was, we had done, you know, we'd been doing behavioral therapy and we had been doing occupational therapy and I, I did not know how to help him. And so, um, she had just basically, she sat, we were, as we were talking, she said, um, I know someone fantastic who can help parents, um, handle challenging situations that they don't know how to handle. If you want to reach out, here's the contact information. And she just kind of hooked us up. So it was through a friend, basically. Right, right. And how long from the time that she told you about me or the resource did it take you to call? I think I called you the day she sent me your phone number. Because what you have to understand is when a kid's been kicked out of school and you don't know what to do, there's nothing you won't try. And so I was willing to try absolutely everything, right? Like I will call anybody. I will take my kid anywhere. I,

we did an overnight sleep study that cost me thousands of dollars in the twin cities. Like I would do anything to fix this problem. So I believe it was the same day. Right. Oh, good for you. That's you. That is not the norm, but that's great that you did that. And I hope that's a good example for a lot of people to call. And again, not to just toot my own horn, but that I love helping parents out of situations that are urgent like that, that you're just feeling like I'm going to try anything and everything. And you did, you, you had quite a host of services for your, for your kid. It's not like I was the answer, right? I mean, you are a very resourceful parent and, and an awesome mom, and you're just willing to do, you knew things,

even though you could do really, you know, better with your kiddo at home, other places were struggling. And so that's stressful for you because you're at work just waiting for the phone call, right? When is he going to get kicked out of class today? And he was what, four or five?

Yeah, I still have PTSD. Every time my phone rings during the workday, like when my kids are at school, I still feel that feeling of dread. Like, is he going to be in the office? Is he going to be kicked out right now? It's like, what has he done? And so, yeah, it's terrible. Don't call me between the hours of eight to five because I have like immediately panic. Yeah, I think that's a pretty common, common feeling with a lot of parents for sure. And, and hopefully it gets less and less, you know, as time goes on. Yeah. And I wish that, I wish that parents didn't feel, I mean, you know, like you said, sometimes people wait to call. And I mean, I guess I've always been of the opinion that you won't know anything if you don't call, right? Like you're not committing to anything by picking up the phone and calling Jackie and saying, Hey, what are your services?

What does it look like? What does it fit into me, into my problem or my solution? And I think a lot of people are afraid, like, I don't know what it costs. I don't know what it's going to be, what kind of commitment. And so there's that, if people hesitate to call, it's probably because of all those unknowns, but like, you don't know anything unless you just call and have a conversation with you and see, like, maybe it's a good fit. Maybe it's not. Right. Well, and I appreciate, I appreciate you saying that. What was, what do you think after we talked, what made you go, yep, we're going to do this? I'll meet with you. That's a good question. It was so long ago.

I think one of the things that stuck out to me right away was how well you understood my situation. And I did not feel judged at all. Like I felt like you got it and you were like, yeah, I can totally help with that. Like these are some things I've seen in the past. You had examples of how you had dealt with kids that were similar. And you didn't try to say that Spencer was exactly like every child you've worked with before, but you were like, well, in situations like these, I've seen some things like this work. And so I felt a high level of confidence that you understood my problem, that you were easy to talk to and that you had, um, the qualifications and the, credentials, you know, to be able to assist with my problem, I guess.

Even without the degree, right? Oh yeah. No, it's not about the degree. I think I, maybe I was using the wrong word. I mean like experience level, right? Like you are experienced.

You have, you have strategies you have. It's not like you just developed this company one day and said, I'm going to teach people how to raise their kids. But you had like examples that you had done that you have worked with other people and had worked in your own life and so I felt a high confidence that you could help me oh that that's great that's awesome I love it and how often did we meet do you remember I think we met weekly for a while didn't we yeah I think it was maybe the first four to six weeks um and I and I came to your home one time just to just to get So you came to my house the first time and met with Spencer and me.

So in our first meeting, we met in person with my son and I. And then after that, we went to the Zoom meeting. So it was all virtual, which was another nice thing because I felt like it was easier to coordinate schedules because it was like, oh, I'll just hop on a quick call with you. And the other nice thing was because he wasn't there, I felt like I could be really honest about what's going on.

like I really struggled with the behavioral therapy. It was helpful. Like, and I still am doing it and it's fantastic, but I can't talk about what's really going on with him and how it's making me feel and what I need to do because he's there. And then like, I have to be careful that I don't like crush his little soul. The fact that it was one-on-one with the parents and the child is not present is helpful because you really can discuss like the times when you're struggling and don't know what to do. And you can talk about options. Like what if I took away this or what if I, you know, rewarded him with this? Like what would that do? Or what do you recommend?

So I think that that, that was helpful. So moving to the virtual format was good. And then I think we were weekly for a while. And then I think we moved to like every other week and then we just kind of faded off once I felt like I had a good handle, but I know that I can still call you anytime I have a problem. Like I already talked to you about earlier today.

Yeah, right. I'm just a virtual visit away, right? Or a phone call away. Yeah, so it's really good because the first time we talked just by phone, just to get to know each other and see if we're a good fit for each other, which is very important to me.

because if you don't feel comfortable, you know, with me, then, then that's not good enough. I don't feel like I can help you. I want to refer you on to somebody else. You know, I'm not gonna, I'm not just gonna, um, pretend that I can and, you know, and not be a benefit to you.

Um, what was something that you maybe would have liked, um, to do that we didn't or suggestions that you would have for how things could have went maybe better or anything like that, that you can think of? I'm going to put that question aside for a second while I think about it. And I'm going to tell you one thing that I did like and appreciate. Sorry. Works for me.

One of the things I really appreciated is that, you know, my family situation is a little bit different. And I think everyone's is right. Like I know in the beginning you had said you really wanted to meet with me and my husband. And the way that my family works is my husband's not really here. He works a ton. I mean, he's gone right now. He's gone all day into the evenings.

And so I am truly the primary parent and he's not as willing to engage in a lot of these conversations. And so what I appreciated was that it wasn't like, well, he really needs to be here and like the guilt or the like, well, I can't work with you if you guys aren't a team, you know, like I felt like you were like, okay, that's your situation. I'm going to work with you and we're going to work with that, you know, so it wasn't, I didn't feel like I had to change my family dynamic to work with you. I felt like you understood and you were going, okay, we'll, we'll work with that. And this is how it can go. So I appreciated that.

Well, that's awesome. I'm, I'm glad I know on the parenting course, one of the things I say in the introduction is that it's always good to have a support person, whether that's your spouse or a best friend or your mom, or, you know, whoever that it's, you know, somebody that you can, that you can talk, talk with about the hard stuff. And, um, and I know sometimes parents will say moms, especially we'll say, well, actually I shouldn't say moms, especially I've had a few dads where, you know, um, they're the primary parent because they're working from home and the mom is working out of the home. And especially with COVID now, the dynamics have changed quite a bit, right. Um, with how that looks, but some of them have said, well, I just, I'm not going to get my spouse on board or I don't have a spouse and I don't want to be constantly calling my friend or my mom and, you know, harping or venting or whatever. And so while it's true that you don't have to have a support person, sometimes it is me. That's your support person that you can shoot a text to with a celebration or a freak out moment. You need to be talked off the ledge for a minute or whatever, which works, works well too. But yeah, it is about, you know, if you're, I don't want to say, well, you have to have that other support person in the meetings because that's not going to help you obviously, right? You're dealing with the situations without them on a

regular basis and you need to be able to, to, um, know how to do that, how, how to be able to do that better without, you know, uh, and feel more supported. Well, that's, that's cool. Um, to go back to your actual question, which was about what I would suggest doing differently or something like that. I mean, I don't know. I don't know that there's, I mean, I, I feel like what we did really worked. I liked the flow. Um, I guess the, the one question in my mind is like, we never really, you know, we never really said, are we, you know, are we done meeting? And maybe it's fine that the door is open. Right. But like, I felt like we just kind of faded away. And then I'm like, I don't know if I should call her still or not. And like, I don't know. Yeah, no, that's I mean, I know I can call you, don't get me wrong, but I guess it just kind of, it was just kind of ended, you know?

Right, right. And I think that's, oh, that is so, that is so great. Thank you for bringing that up because, you know, I really pride myself in being quick, right? Being able to give strategies and solutions to parents so that they can use them right away and their situation can improve right away.

and then sometimes I forget that that's not always the best way right sometimes you just need that ongoing support and check-in especially when things are going good I mean you know or even if things are going really good that you just need because that's the that's a good reminder of how far you've come and that you know sometimes we don't acknowledge thing you know such our situations when things are going well we don't acknowledge the other little things and don't celebrate them. And so I think that is a really good point that, and that's what I'm trying to do with the no problem parent group, the private parent group is to be able to continue to check in because, you know, I say this too, you can, you can overcome problems and situations in your home and then, you know, your kids grow and they're going to have more problems. I mean, that's my only guarantee, right? Through my services that I guarantee your kids are going to have problems And you're going to have problems raising your kids. Yeah. And so, you know, you you started out working with me with a little five year old and, you know, when he turns 13, something big might happen again.

And it doesn't mean that everything you've done so far hasn't worked. Right. It's just they grow up and it's, you know, different situations. Puberty happens.

I mean, there's all kinds of family changes, family dynamic changes. I mean, there's school age changes, all kinds of things. So that's, I guess, my hope as I as I grow the virtual groups, right, that we can stay connected and learn from each other as as our kids get older. And then you'll always have that resource there. So it doesn't just end or fade away.

Yeah. Maybe thinking about like our first meeting and maybe you said this and I just was like thinking and I wasn't absorbing it at the time because there's a lot of new information. Right. But, you know, one of the things that and I don't know, maybe it's too much, but I'm thinking about like if you had said something similar to what you just said. Right.

Like, listen, I'm now going to be a resource for you forever. And some years we might meet once a year and other years we might meet multiple times a year. And one day you might say you don't need to meet with me anymore, but that I'm going to be in your life now for whenever you need me. Right?

Like, I think in two ways. Number one, I think that's a good way for you to kind of set up your business to, like, keep working with people. but number two I think it kind of would click in my mind like okay like she's going to be here for me and it's okay if we don't meet for a while but even if I don't talk to her for a year and I suddenly need something she's going to be there to help me right like right I don't know no that's really that's really good I I need to I need to think about how that how that can work and how how that can how that can look I I do I do feel like I say that to people once you get to know me you're never gonna not know me you know like I probably did honestly to be fair it's just when you're first starting I think you're a lot I was like overwhelmed and I'm oh yeah I'm trying to figure things out and so I you know I probably just didn't internalize it at the time right you're like I don't care about the future I need you right now don't worry my kid's gonna get kicked out of three more schools so we're gonna be together forever no oh my gosh that's so fun um yeah and it wasn't forever so that that you know again like I said I I've always prided myself on working myself out of a job you know because that means that the parent is feeling success in the family situation is is much better um and at the same time I there are so many I can name lots of parents off right now that I even just talking about this I'm like oh I wonder how

they're doing oh I wonder how they're doing um so I think it is good to stay connected and and um And that Facebook group will help like to just kind of keep, you know, you can, we can see your updates and it keeps it fresh in your mind, et cetera, you know, and I also don't want to overestimate this. Like, this is a tiny little thing, like everything else. I mean, I really can't think of any other feedback to give you. Everything else worked really well.

Well, I appreciate that. And I always love a good, I love constructive feedback. And this was actually, this is, I don't take this as a bad thing. I take this as a, ooh, great idea. You know, let's make sure we have some sort of finale to it or that there doesn't have to be a finale, you know.

And you just can, you know, we can stay connected and I can work on making sure we do that. Okay, so I was going to ask another question. What was it? Oh, what was and I know we're getting close on time here. What was something that maybe you tried that I suggested that was like, either hard or you were like, what, that's never gonna work.

You think of anything? Throwing these out at you. Yeah. Um, I think the one, um, that I, that I most still use that I was skeptical would actually work with him was the, um, the let's go up to your room and, and you, you may come back out when you were ready to be kind. Um, that one, um, I was like, okay, so punishing doesn't work.

Timeouts have never worked. Nothing had worked with him to get anything across. And so, um, when you kind of proposed it, I'm like, I'll try, right. I'll try anything. But I think I, I was skeptical. It would work because a, nothing had worked in the past. And B, I was like, he's going to walk out of that bedroom again. And he's going to be just as mean as he was before.

Like I, what, what part of that is going to work to teach him that he did something wrong. Right. Um, but it actually did work. Um, for whatever reason, he stays in his bed when I put him in there. And I did exactly what you said, which is, would you like your lights on or off? Would you like your door open or shut and then leave? Right. And that's it. And you, you can come out whenever you're ready to be kind. And we still have to use it occasionally because kids make mistakes, right? I had to use it this weekend. Um, and he comes out and he doesn't have a problem after that. Like it, it worked like punishment never did. Um, but that was definitely when I was more skeptical of again, because nothing had worked in the past. Right. And do you remember when you first tried it did he come out right away um I remember the first time we tried it was a disaster he was screaming screaming and pounding on the bed and throwing all of his toys off of his bed like absolutely a complete meltdown temper tantrum the first time and then eventually and I did not go back up. Like I just, we, you had told us like, carry on your day. Right. And I, if I recall, it was a good 30 minutes of tantrum upstairs while we like were downstairs with our other son and we were watching TV and I was doing dishes and like we were making noise. Um, and then that was the, I think the next time it ended up happening, I feel like it was only about five

minutes of tantrum. And then after that, it was just, he sat there quietly. And then a few minutes later he'd walk out. And generally he doesn't stay up there more than three or four minutes.

I think occasionally he'll sit up there and like start reading a book and do something and he won't come out for a long time. But like for the most part, he's out in a couple minutes and there's no tantrums or, or hitting or screaming or anything anymore. Right. So what was different about, you know, when I said, okay, when he's acting out and he's being mean and hitting and, you know, whatever the tantruming behavior was, you bring them to his room and you say, you didn't set a time. You didn't say you have to be in here for a certain amount of time, right? Which is different than maybe what you'd tried in the past. But you just said you need to be in here and you can come out when you're kind. Yeah. There was a couple of differences. Like we primarily tried um you know timeouts and punishments taking things away things like that and he doesn't care about those types of things so the um the fact that we weren't doing something mean to him took away some of his anger i think like you know it's like he would be he's done something wrong and then we take something away and it makes him even more mad but here we weren't really doing anything mean to him we were just saying you can go sit in your room you can come out when you're kind. I think the primary difference was my attitude. It was, I wasn't yelling at him. I wasn't, um, you know, telling him everything that he'd done wrong. I wasn't

taking things away, but I was, I was calm and then I was gone. He knew I wasn't going to come back and give him the attention he was trying to get from me. It was, um, it was not, we, we weren't escalating each other's behaviors anymore. He was escalating and I was walking away and de-escalating instead of what previously would have happened, which would have been he escalates and then I escalate and then he escalates. And then we would climb up to the top of, of anger mountain. Right. Right. Because the minute you'd hear him pounding on the door, you'd get up there and tell him to sit back down on his bed and yell at him for, you know, hitting the door. And then he'd throw toys and he'd make a disaster out of his room.

And I would go up there and scream, like, you can't throw your toys. And I would take the toys away. And then I would, he throws pillow and then I'd take the pillow away. And then like, just like it would never end. And he was getting like, his anger was getting fed in like the worst possible way. Right. And so looking when you're in the moment, you think to yourself, I can't let him get away with that. And so I have to address it. If he's done something wrong, I have to address it. But in reality, I it's not letting him get away with something. It's calming him down so that we can have like an actual conversation about it later. But, you know, me marching in there and trying to, you know, deal with it was not, it was not nipping it in the bud. It was making everything worse. Right. And so how many times would he come out, talk about when he'd come out, you know, and he's ready to be kind, but then he wasn't kind, then what would you do?

Actually, that has not happened. Okay. I just thought, I thought I remembered a time where he would come out and he'd start playing, but he'd go right back into what he was doing. You know, that might've been the first time we did it. Um, I seem to remember that first day we had, it was tough that first day that we did it. Um, but honestly, I don't remember much about it. I think I love that you don't. I love that you don't, but yeah, I remember.

We don't really have to deal with repeat stuff. I mean, and maybe, maybe I prepared you for that too. So you knew that it wasn't not to get frustrated. Cause I think sometimes what happens is, you know, the kiddo comes out and he goes back to playing or doing whatever, and then he's being kind and it's, and it's good. And then all of a sudden they take a toy away again, or they, you know, take something of their siblings or whatever. And then the parent overreacts about, oh, that didn't work, you know? Now that you're saying it, I think I do remember a little bit more about that first day. And I think he did have to go back a couple of times that first day.

And I think that the part that I think made it work was that we did the same process every time. And no problem, right? Yeah. I think he realized, he was like, oh, no problem.

You're not ready to be kind. Okay, we're going to go. And when you remember now, when you're, you're free to come out whenever you're ready to be kind. And so I think that when he saw it was like, okay, she's just going to keep putting me up here.

You know, and the other thing I like right now is he does not come out angry or like petty about it or anything, you know, right now when he comes out, he actually is like, it's done. It's it's and that's kind of because I've treated it that way based on what you told me, like when he would come out those first few days. It wasn't like now let's talk about it. It was we talked about it. It was going to be at night at bedtime or some other point in the day.

But when he came out, I would say, oh, do you want to help me bake cookies? Or are you ready to watch the show or whatever? Like we just moved on with life. And I think that was a good example for him that like, okay, I'm ready to be kind and they're ready to move on.

And that's what forgiveness looks like. And we just kind of move forward, you know? Right. You just didn't keep feeding the problem.

Yeah. I did so much, too much of that where, you know, you just, you think you're dealing with the problem, but all you're doing is escalating it. Right. Yeah, that's so good. Oh, great. So now just to sum it all up, how, how are you doing now? Because of course there's still problems, right? There's still behaviors. There's still things much, much better, obviously. But how are you feeling now since you've been doing this no problem parenting stuff? I feel personally, I feel like a hundred percent better. I mean, from, from my perspective, I feel much more in control of the situation. I feel like I have words ready to go when something happens. And I think that was where I struggled before when something would happen, I would try one thing and then I would try something different. And then I would try another thing and nothing was working. And I felt like I was inconsistent and I was lost. Like I didn't know what the right thing to do was.

So I think, you know, having your strategies, if any of the issues crop up again, I know what to do. It's like, okay, you hit your brother. All right, we're going to, that's no problem. We're going to go up to the room and you can come out when you're kind.

He spilled the stuff in the car. It's no problem. We can handle that. Let's clean it up together.

You know, things that happen, even if they haven't happened in a while, I can still go back to that strategy. And I think instead of having the issue reoccur, because I'm still handling it consistently from what I was handling it before, it helps right away. Do you know what I mean? Right, right. And now he's even recognizing that problems are little problems. There's little problems and there's big problems, and he can distinguish between the two. So he's not overreacting.

Well, and I think it's grown his resiliency. And so one of the things that he would really do before was if something happened or went wrong, he would give up right away. And what I see now is that because, you know, because he's understood that there's forgiveness is okay and mistakes happen and these are no problems. he gets back into the game. Like he had an issue at jujitsu on Monday night and he, the coach put him in the chair and said, you're not going to play until you are able to follow the rules.

Right. And previously that would have been it. I mean, a year ago that would have been done. There's no way that kid was getting back in. He would have been convinced that his world was over that, that he was never going to do jujitsu ever again in his entire life. That's how dramatic he was. And instead, five minutes later, when the coach came back, I had kind of prepped him while he was sitting there. I said, listen, when your coach comes back, he's going to give you an opportunity to get back in the game. And I think you need to make a choice about what you really want to do for the rest of the evening. And when that coach came back over, he was back in the game. That would not have happened a year ago. Yay. I love it. Yeah. And I suppose you probably have to go to another meeting too. Yes, I do. I got to get going. I kept this, but it's so fun to talk to you. I didn't, I, I just, I'm so appreciative of you and everything that, I mean,

like I said, I can't say it enough. Casey, you are such an amazing mom because you actually like intentionally tried everything and, you know, got yourself to the place where you could, you know, you didn't have to feel the victim of his behaviors, right? And underneath the behaviors that you were like, wait a minute, there's, you know, I can do this. And so kudos to you.

Well, I really appreciate everything that you taught me. And I'm, like I said, I'm still learning and there's still more to do, but if there's anything I can do to help your business, I'm very happy to be whatever it was. And I'm so thankful for this mom's willingness to share her experience in becoming a no problem parent. If you would like to learn how you can become a No Problem Parent, go to noproblemparenting.com.

Thank you.