Parenting By Example& Leaving a Legacy with Special Guest Dr. Ali Lankerani

Welcome back to another episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast, where we choose to deal with and overcome the emotional and behavioral challenges within our home. Hey, everybody, I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, 30-year counselor turned parenting coach, and I'm here to help you get through the day-to-day ins and outs, challenges, struggles, frustrations, fears, and worries that you're having with your kiddos. And one of the ways that I love to help you is through my Becoming a No Problem Parent online course and membership community.

So if you haven't learned about that yet, go to noproblemparenting.com and check it out. And another way that I love to support you parents at home is by bringing you a variety of resources, products and services that you maybe wouldn't have otherwise heard of or haven't heard of yet that can help you and your kiddos out at home. And today I have another special guest with me who is affectionately known as the Parent Whisperer.

I met this amazing man early summer, maybe late spring. I can't quite remember. We were at a presentation. That's where we met, online presentation.

And he had heard that I was called the Child Whisperer. And for many, many years I was called the Child Whisperer and I love that term. and then he said to his staff, I got to meet this lady. So he's like, I'm the parent whisperer.

She's the child whisperer. We might need to team up. So his team reached out to me and lo and behold, we have so much in common and just really partnered quite well. And so I've been a part of his amazing parents network now for the last few months, providing workshops, trainings, education and support to parents all over the globe. It's been super fun. And he has been a guest of mine a couple of times and now on the podcast. And so I'd like you all to meet Dr. Ali Lankarani.

He is a clinical neuroscientist and, as I mentioned, affectionately known by his patients as Dr. L, the Parent Whisperer. He's an internationally published bestselling author, speaker, and coach. He was twice voted as one of America's top doctors. He's the host of a TV channel called Role Model Maker, and he ran an award-winning private practice helping kids with autism spectrum disorders. He currently runs online programs that support parents and their children and encourages healthy development and growing relationships. Dr. L enjoys being the active father of his two amazing kids, and he proudly serves as the founder of Amazing Parents Network. His mission is to promote brain-based healthcare options to support parents and their children to foster their optimum potential and their quest for personal fulfillment. You can find him regularly speaking at a variety of venues on health, lifestyle, personal development, as well as child development. So without further ado, I'd love for you all to welcome Dr. L. He's going to talk to us today about leading by example to create future leaders and role models,

how to optimize our brain and optimize humanity's potential. And it really starts with going back to the basics. Welcome to the show, Dr. L. I am really thrilled and happy to have you here with me today to talk all things building and leaving a legacy for our kids. But you know, you're a clinical neuroscientist and you help families to build a legacy. So how did those two connect?

Why don't we start by a little bit of background on you? Absolutely. Thank you, Jackie, for having me here. And I really appreciate our audience members for tuning in and listening to us today.

Yeah, I mean, I'm a clinical neuroscientist and I started in my private practice before deciding that I wanted to be more on the prevention side of things because when the kids were coming to us, And of course, my postdoctorate is in neurodevelopmental disorders. So what I helped with in practice was families who had children with autism spectrum disorder. So everything from ADD and ADHD to Tourette's and Asperger's and dyslexia.

And oftentimes what I saw was the transformation as the children would receive the support that they needed to go ahead and show up as the full self. itself. Now, one of the challenges that I had that was the fact that I actually have ADHD myself growing up and back in Iran where I was raised, the difference between having a learning disability and not having the learning disability and being on your top performance meant the difference between fighting on the front lines and pursuing a career in the university and moving on with the the rest of your life. So it was pretty dire. And the frustration of that would fall on my parents, because as a child, all I cared about was the next thing that would grab my attention playing out in the yard, right, instead of doing my homework. So I was oftentimes described as bright,

but mischievous, and was not an easy child. And when I saw the kids and the families in my practice, I saw that they were coming to me. And they had pretty much finished that first decade of their life, that important transformational kind of foundational 10 years. And what had happened was they saw that they were different than the kids around them, and they were internalizing it as if there was something wrong with them, or that there was bonding issues between the parents and the children, because parenting a child on the spectrum is not necessarily ordinary parenting. And there was complications with that. And also when the spouses had to approach the parenting based on how they were raised differently. Then there was spousal tensions in there too. And I looked at the whole picture. I'm like, I don't want to be like fixing this problem. Although we were getting good results with it. I wanted to show parents that they didn't have to suffer for a whole decade on this stuff and raise the awareness about things that they could do in their home environment to improve their health, improve their relationship, and ultimately how the kids show up in life and share their message with the world. And that's basically where all this building legacy came in. Now, I will also tell you this, that I also come from a long line of philanthropists and kind of change makers in my family history. So when I left private practice to pursue this

thing where I could share my message in a bigger way, I wanted to go ahead and create something that was like a legacy. Back in the 90s, in the earlier days, before internet and before digital stuff, I used to do a lot of research and I have a strong background in conservation. So when I was doing my conservation, I worked with things like Conservation International, World Wildlife Fund, and many government agencies that created protective areas around the globe. And earlier this year, I went to get my research article, the digital versions, because digital didn't exist back then. And I realized that those publications were being cited to this day as reference or support material for creating policy and change to make the world a better place. I'm like, if I can do that for families and optimizing children's potential,

that's how I would like to leave my legacy basically and ultimately I want every single person to be able to share what they're passionate about what they stand for what they stand against and kind of make the world a better place by sharing their unique message and their gifts and what better way for the kids to learn this through the example of their parents basically so oftentimes I talk about how to serve your kids beyond just serving your kids basically as parents. And that's where all of this came about. Wow, that is amazing. It seems like you're not even old enough to have all those accomplishments. I don't even know how you've gotten it all done so far. One of the things I wanted to mention about that is that's probably my ADHD in full play, that I can't sit still just, you know, focusing on one thing, and I have to put my hand in lots of different operations. But I will also that kind of reminds me of this thing that for years when I was growing up, the parents would say, my parents and people around me in general would say, you have a busy brain, or you know, you're always like, too involved with your thoughts. And I internalize it that there is something wrong inside my head that I need to declutter my brain that I need to kind of free up my brain and kind of get rid of all these thoughts that I had. And not until recently, did I realize that I didn't think of it as my flaw that I have

all these thoughts, why don't I go ahead and hire and get the support that I need so that instead of me having to slow down, I can have the rest of the world catch up with me. And in that process, I've seen a blossoming and mushrooming of what I'm capable of, something that I didn't even think was possible, say a year ago, is now happening. And that is what I want for the kids to experience, that amazing thing that instead of thinking that what they've got as part of their personality trait is a limitation or a hindrance, is that somehow there is a way to capitalize on that, to go ahead and serve the world, make it a better place. And at the same time, really blossom out and kind of show your personality through it.

It's an incredible way to think about this. And it's so empowering for kids rather than for them to think of their ADHD as, like you said, a problem or, you know, a hindrance on others or, you know, mischievous. It's actually a great skill that not everyone has. Kids that are ADHD are also visionaries. Would you say that's true for you? Yeah, I would say that most of the stuff that we have seen as accomplishments and as progress and moving forward in our civilization, in some way or form involved a person on the spectrum.

You know, it's a different way of thinking. It's a different level of commitment that, you know, generally society doesn't have the room for it because we are designed for performance and efficiency and, you know, moving civilization in a certain way that tends to be the trend or what the way of thinking is at the time. And oftentimes these breakthroughs with this different way of thinking causes the society to shift and rearrange itself.

And all of a sudden you have new ways of life that emerges as a result of it. So I never look at it as a setback. It's just that just like any other relationship, it requires extra support. back to what you were saying earlier, it's important for us to understand that children's brains are developing. And so long as you can actually understand what is going on during the developmental phases of the brain, you can support the brain that much better. For a child, especially pre-adolescence, that means instead of playing into their strengths, is actually focusing on the weak areas to make sure that you balance that brain, because the strong parts of the brain that have the savant skills, they cannot compensate for the weak areas. They do different tasks.

That's one of the things that we see on the children on the spectrum, that they have savant skills and then below average skills in certain other areas. That's because one part of the brain is trying to compensate for the other one. But it is equally important for that weaker side to be supported and be brought up so that there is a level of balance, not just because we want to kind of make everything flat, but because we want to make sure that the brain, because after all, it's not separate from the rest of the body, allows the body to be as balanced and as healthy as possible. Ultimately, once you pass the adolescence, you get into the teenage years, yes, at that point, playing into your strengths makes sense because that's when you can really push and go ahead and make sure that you start maximizing on those gifts and those talents that the person has. But up until then, you want to make sure that you raise the child as balanced and as healthy as possible so that there is not too much compensation and compromise going on with the brain. So what are some suggestions for helping to strengthen that maybe weaker side, as you call it, of the brain? What are some things that we can do?

So let's go back to the understanding of how the brain develops. And then that kind of starts making sense as to what the four things that I typically talk about are. The first thing you need to understand is that we as a species are one of the, if not the only one, one of the few that are born without us actually being viable units, meaning that we can survive outside the womb if left alone, right? It takes us at least a good couple of years before we are considered viable, that we can move, we can eat, we can start taking care of ourselves. Now, if you have more experienced parents in the audience, they would hardly this, they would definitely disagree with me and say, it's not one or two years, it's one or two decades,

basically, before these kids become viable. But when we watch nature channels, you see that these little calves or animals that are born and almost immediately they get up and they start following their herd and they start eating and taking care of themselves, whereas humans are not like that. And that's because our brain is too big to fit through the birth canal if it was fully developed. So we are born really undeveloped, not fully developed yet, because we need to clear the birth canal. But then once we are born, the stimuli that we get through our lifestyle and the senses determines how our brain is stimulated and ultimately which areas develop.

And we naturally have a normal way, an evolutionary way, where we have gone through the processes for our brain to develop. And the past couple of hundred years has seen a radical transformation of that lifestyle. We've become a carrier society. We've become more of a sedentary lifestyle.

We do more repetitive stuff as opposed to things that require whole body movement. And then our diet has changed and so on and so forth. we have gone all over the planet uh places where humans normally don't exist so so you put all of that into the equation you realize that now the sensory information and input that you're getting is very different than what it used to be a few hundred years back so as a result the brain has developed a little more differently and that's why you see things like the autism spectrum disorder being on the rise when i was growing up that spectrum was one in ten thousand the rate of of occurrence of it. Currently, it's one in 58. And you can't just say this is genetics,

because that would mean that only the people on the spectrum are actually procreating and having babies. And I don't think that's necessarily true. So what you're seeing is this rapid transformation of our lifestyles, which our evolutionary and genetic system is not capable of keeping up with. So it's accommodating and compensating as a result of it. So the brain is being developed, it develops in different parts and pieces of buildings on itself, sometimes left, sometimes right, sometimes the front, sometimes the back, ultimately, when we get to school, and these places where we require these executive functions, these higher brain powers, if there is misdevelopment at some point, or, or there is not adequate amount of stimulation, what ends up happening is now we see these shortcomings that we call learning disabilities or developmental delays, and so on and so forth. And now we're trying to address those. But those are simply a symptom, not the actual cause of the problem. So oftentimes, if you can focus on what is causing these symptoms, you'll be that much more effective in addressing it. But whether you got developed properly, or something set you back doesn't really matter. The point is where you are today and what you can do for it. And when it comes to how you show up in life, you want to make sure that if you want to show up as the best possible you, then you want to make sure you can

control the function of your body and you can optimize that. And if you want to do that, that controlling of the function of the organ that controls the function of everything else, namely your brain becomes pretty important, right? So if your brain controls the function of everything else, if you can support it and control it, then you can maximize how you show up in life. Now, to support your brain, there are four things that you need. Number one is the actual building blocks and the fuel for your brain, which is your nourishment. Number two is the fuel by which your brain can go ahead and burn that fuel. Because without oxygen, it's kind of like an airplane in outer space. Those engines, it doesn't matter how fast they can work. There's no oxygen. The fuel can't fire. The jet engine doesn't work, right? So oxygen is important.

Number three is the time where your body rests, repairs, and rebuilds itself. Basically, the time for children to grow and develop is usually during their sleep, during their rest phase. So making sure that the rest is there. So nourishment, oxygen, and rest are the supporting stuff.

Now, the last part of this is that our brain is developed in such a way that when we are born, we have all these extra neurons. And depending on how our environment is and what we utilize, we end up building networks. And if there are no reasons to have certain neurons because we are not utilizing them or there is no need to use them, then we prune those networks. So it's a use it or lose it type of a thing.

and the end result is that what gets stimulated develops so the last component which is very important but you can't have without the first three that i mentioned is proper neural stimulation and this is something that oftentimes gets sacrificed gets neglected for the sake of convenience for the sake of you know whatever our lifestyle has become nowadays and as a result we we don't get that proper neural stimulation.

So the brain doesn't properly develop the way we have evolutionarily, anthropologically been programmed to develop. Proper neural stimulation means moving in gravity, incorporating as many of your senses as possible, crossing your center lines, front to back, left to right, as that will coordinate the different parts of your brain, basically, and connects them together. So rest, oxygen, and nourishment is the support for you to finally be able to stimulate your brain.

Before in the clinic, I could ask that little brain to do something it had never done before, to build a network it had never built before. I needed to make sure that that brain was supported enough so that it could be up for the task. So even for us adults, many times you experience things like brain fog or you experience lethargy after eating, those kind of things. That's your brain telling you that it's not up to the task of using its higher brain centers because it's not supported enough.

It's not having the resources necessarily for it to be able to create that kind of a neural stimulation, neural activity. So we need to make sure that we approach our health and how we show up to other people and in life, and how we build a legacy from a top down inside out approach basically and that's pretty much how you look at everything many times. When we were talking about things, we look for the latest technology or the therapies that are out there, but we don't realize or we don't acknowledge the fact that unless you have the infrastructure inside of your body, you can't load things onto the system.

It'll crash, basically. That becomes so important. It's interesting to me too, because it's so simple. And yet, you know, like you said, we look for the latest, greatest therapies or products or services or things that can help our kid when they're acting out or hibernating in their room and not coming out to socialize with us or, you know, just a variety of parenting challenges that we have.

we make it so much harder when you think about the foundation, it's rest, oxygen, and nutrition. Let's start there. How are we doing as parents? If we can evaluate our children's everyday rest, oxygen, and nutrition, we're really giving them what they need, would be a good solution to a lot of problems. But let's talk about that proper stimulation then. What are some examples of proper stimulation that you asked that question because proper neural stimulation, we talked about it being in movement, right? So we, we know that there is this mechanical component to it, but it goes a lot further than that, because what happens is when you move, you're moving in space. That means that your eyes have to stay level to the horizon.

That means that your eyes are being engaged in this. That means your inner ears and your vestibular system, your balance is being in there. That means that also all of these senses are coordinating with your spinal muscles to make sure that they keep you upright so that you don't tip over and you allow proper blood flow to certain areas that need the supplies and shut down certain other areas and things like that. So that incorporation and knowing where your joints are in space, all of those signals travel up through your spinal cord and they go to your brain system, these deep centers, which are the metronome and the maestro for your brain. Imagine an orchestra without timing and without a maestro. You know, the sound that comes out is not going to be very pleasant, right? So what we want to do is make sure that these two are working because what that will do is it will make the brain powerful. It will coordinate the different parts of the brain so that ultimately you can go ahead and formulate clear and concise movement.

But it goes beyond that because when you move in space in a clear and concise way, then you avoid injury. You don't fall. Whereas if you don't, you're more likely to injure yourself, be clumsy, bump into things, so on and so forth, right? Because you don't know where your body ends and where the rest of the world begins.

and this process eventually gets internalized into your thoughts as well. Imagine not knowing which thought is yours and which suggestion came from the outside. So you have difficulty understanding what you stand for or what you stand against. You have difficulty knowing whether there's a feeling that's coming from inside of you or is coming from the outside and how to seek support in a relationship, for instance, or give support in a relationship or social etiquettes, basically, or what is appropriate, what is not appropriate, what job to look for, what career to pick. This, all of this goes back to that original proper neurostimulation via movement. We think about exercise and we think about building, it's about building muscle, but really it's connecting your mind and your body together making sure that you actually can formulate priorities and values and formulate your thinking so that you can have cohesive thought and it goes back to understanding where you are in space and so something like dancing something like swimming and running and um you know those kind of activities really bring in and integrate all of these different senses together and depending on what age you are it's a little bit different right so if you've got a toddler then maybe crawling would be uh something maybe running and walking would be something that would be more appropriate at that age so at different ages there's different requirements based on how

far the brain is developed but we want to make sure that our kids are thriving we want to make sure that our kids lead full lives right they reach their potential they make this world a better place. They're happy and healthy and have meaningful relationships in their lifetime, right? So that process requires a role model, a living example, an embodiment of what it looks like. So the best thing you can do is to actually try to live that out for your kids of what it would look like to lead a happy, healthy, and thriving life. Because our brain, remember that top-down approach, our brain is a reality emulator. It looks at the universe and the world around it.

And remember, it's encapsulated in this skull, this dark bony thing, and it has no connections to the outside world. So it has to recreate the universe inside of itself in terms of chemical signals and neurologic electrical signals, right? So in that process, it looks at what's out there and then recreates it inside. And if you role model a happy, healthy, and thriving life, then it says, ah, that's what normal looks like. And it will internalize that and built that in.

So later on, you don't have to preach to them, do this, don't do that. Think like this. Don't think that way, or hang around these people, but not those people, you know, and becomes much easier. So when we talk about convenience, I want you to think of convenience as an investment.

The more you invest early on in that brain's development and that lifestyle, the less work you have to do down the road and the more convenient things are going to be. We were talking about normal and abnormal. And when I remember, we spent a lot of time when I was taking my abnormal psychology class, defining what abnormal is in the first place. And I was astutely aware of this, that when it comes to our lab results, when it comes to our lifestyle, our social settings, a lot of times, as the population evolves, so will the definition of normal and abnormal. And as the population becomes less healthy, then being unhealthy becomes much more normal, to the point where many of the conditions that we nowadays look at as well,

that's just life, that's normal. If you actually have a healthy lifestyle, you will find out that your lifestyle is very different than what normal is in a very strange way. How many of you have heard that, you know, during pregnancy, you're going to have aches and pains, and you're going have swelling and you're going to have cravings and you're going to have all these things. And we see that as normal. Yet there are things you can do not to have those and remain active to the very last day before your delivery. So, you know, that's a really good point too. It's sort of like what we hear and what other people's experiences or stressful lifestyles or, or that sort of thing, especially our parents, like we learn a lot of that from them. It becomes the norm, but it's,

It really doesn't have to be. I think that's what you're referring to, right? So if you're a parent out there and you're struggling just to keep up with everything, do you know something is off and you know that this, this, uh, your kids are maybe misbehaving or you're feeling guilty or you're feeling overwhelmed by things and you're just barely keeping up with the demands and the responsibilities at home and, and work, and maybe you're having financial stress or just not even knowing who you are anymore as a parent, you've kind of lost your passions and the fun, the things that you enjoy doing outside of being a parent. What kinds of things do you suggest, how we can start fresh and maybe incorporate some better habits into our everyday life that will help us build some mastery and be able to leave that legacy for kids to show them that there is a better way and maybe an easier way and a more fun way. I would ask our audience this, if you're having difficulty with your health, for instance, whether it's your weight or some actual medical condition that is, you know, affecting you or mood, whatever it happens to be, that's health related.

Or let's say, for instance, if you're having challenges in your relationships, how you connect with your kids, how you connect with your spouse, or actually how you show up in the world, your circle of friends, or in your work, for instance, these are all relationship based, which is again, based on an area of the brain, which is responsible for for empathy. So that area needs to be supported, right? So with whatever it happens to be, or if you want a fuller life, a happier life, you want something like that, then the question is, as you push everything forward because of the responsibilities and obligations, you know that there is one thing in the back of your head that is saying, how much longer can I do this? And it refers back to sustainability. We talk about it in the environment all the time, right? We talk about the global issues and sustainability and can we continue to push our society forward in such a way when we're destroying the rainforest or so on and so forth. And the sustainability is talked about in a global term, but what about your personal life? How sustainable is it that if you keep pushing yourself career-wise that your health is not going to give, or that if you continue down this path on your health, for instance, that, you know, you might not be able to do other things. So sustainability becomes an issue. So I want to invite you to have the courage to drop everything that you got and go back to

the basics. Because when you make a right decision, this is something that I teach the kids all the time, that you make a decision that is good for you, that's in the right path, and it's supposed to be what you're supposed to do, then the next decision becomes more impactful, more powerful, and opens more doors and opportunities for you. So all you have to do is go back to the basics and start taking the logical next step in the right direction. And before you know it, you'll be back where you are now, except that this time you're in your full potential and it's sustainable and you don't have to sacrifice your health to get wealth, or you don't have to sacrifice your wealth to gain support or whatever it happens to be.

So that would be the starting point. That's what I would recommend. Going back to the basics, top-down, inside-out approach. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Ask for help. Reach for support. Create your social network. I would love for everyone to learn more about you.

You have the amazing Parents Network and Role Model Maker. I'm going to share all your links in the show notes And I will continue to share all your events because it's truly, you are such a support to parents and families. And I really appreciate you. Thank you, Jackie, for the opportunity.

And I appreciate you guys for the time that you've given me. Thank you. So many wonderful nuggets of information in our conversation. And I truly do appreciate Dr. L.

You know, I've said this before, you guys, but I get on the podcast interviews. And of course, I'm doing them live, you know, virtually, I should say, having these guests on. But I still feel like, I mean, there are so many brilliant, amazing people out there that are at our fingertips nowadays, everybody. So if you are a parent that's struggling, there is really no reason not to reach out.

People are out there. We're here to help. And so make sure that you're reaching out and taking advantage of a variety of really cost-effective services, as well as just a wealth of information and new ideas that maybe you hadn't even thought of trying before. Sometimes we make parenting so much more complicated than it already is.

So be sure to go to RoleModelMaker, R-O-L-E, RoleModelMaker.com, and check out Dr. L's services, products, supports. he talks about nutrition he has his amazing parents network he has a wealth of knowledge on the autism spectrum as well as adhd and so i just highly recommend you check him out and until next episode i want you to remember that on particularly rough days when you're sure you can't possibly endure i want you to remember that your track record for getting through those day so far is 100% and that's pretty darn good. Hugs and high fives parents. You got this.

Thank you.