Part 2/3: No Problem Parenting Holiday Harmony Series - Family Gatherings and your Introverted Child

All right, welcome back No Problem Parents for part two out of three of our Holiday Harmony series. So in today's episode, we're going to address the challenge of resistance to holiday gatherings, particularly focusing on introverted kiddos. So do you have a kiddo that is super shy and clingy? Or maybe they're overwhelmed in large noisy crowds. They're just a little extra shy when they're around. Even if it's family and friends that they maybe have seen a time or two, they're still kind of leery around them or nervous around seeing people that they're not used to seeing.

And maybe you have a kiddo that is just bucky and stubborn and doesn't want to go to the holiday event. And they definitely don't want to wear the outfit that you picked out for them. Well, instead of bribing them to go or convincing them they're going to have fun or yelling them into the car before you cancel your plans, listen in to today's episode for some tips and tools that are going to help you enjoy the holiday season, even when your kiddo isn't fully on board.

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Don't make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. Become a no problem parent today. All right, parents, today, let's use the three step no problem parenting approach to tackling the challenges of kiddos between the ages of two to teenagers that are legitimately overwhelmed by the festivities. We're going to focus on the introverted, but you can tweak these to use for other kids.

You can also get our 60 ways to respond to your kiddos without losing your cool. That link is in the show notes of this episode. Let's start with focusing on our introverted kids today. Let's start with step one, seeking first to understand.

All right, so why does my child behave the way they do at family gatherings or events? Take some time to think about previous events that maybe didn't go so well. and replay them in your mind step by step. Did your child cling to you the entire time?

Did they shy away? Did they start to cry? Or did they say something rude when a family member said hello or wanted a hug and you felt embarrassed? Well, how can you better understand your introverted or shy child's perspective before you head into the family gatherings? I want you to be curious about the behaviors that your kiddo displayed at previous events. So I want you to notice what was happening before the gathering, during, and after. Think about what was going on before the family gathering. You know, what was your kid's behavior like? Were they telling you they were nervous? Were they saying, no, I don't want to go? Replay all of this in your mind and then jot some notes about what your child's behavior was like and jot some notes about what your own behavior was like. What were you doing? Were you trying to convince them it will be okay? Were you demanding they go? Were you getting into an argument? Were you nervous?

Were you worried? Were you embarrassed or frustrated? How did you respond to your kiddo and why maybe you were embarrassed or upset? Where was your confidence level before heading into the event and where was your confidence level during the event? And then how did the evening go after the event and the car ride home? Did you leave abruptly? Did you leave frustrated?

Did your child leave frustrated? Like think about all of that. And then once you've done this, take some time to have a conversation with your kiddo or teenager and ask them ahead of time about their concerns, what they're anxious about. Is there anything specific that makes family gatherings challenging for them? Maybe they'll say something that you weren't even thinking of.

So seek to understand their point of view, validate their feelings in, this is key, in a matter of fact, not sympathetic or overly concerned way. In other words, when asking your kids what bothers them or makes them nervous or upsets them, you would say something like this. Hey, Jordan, we have a few holiday events to go to or we have this event to go to. and I'm wondering if you're excited to go or nervous to go or not looking forward to going.

So you say this just in a matter-of-fact kind of way. Now Jordan might say, no, no, no, I don't want to go. Or do I have to go? Or Jordan might say, I'm not going. And then you can say, well, hey, we're going to talk about the plan later for going or not going. But for now, I just want to hear about why you don't want to go. And I also want to know what would make going to the event better for you? What would work better for you? So jot down their answers, hear them out, let them, don't judge anything they're saying. Don't try to, you know, rebuke anything that they're saying or be defensive about it. Just listen to them and actually validate what they're saying and then thank them for letting you know. And then you can say to them, so you can just say,

hey, thanks, thanks bud for letting me know. I'm going to take all this into consideration. And then you can say, I'm going to think about this and I'm going to get back to you with a plan. This isn't a long drawn out conversation. This conversation can happen in three to five minutes.

It can be a little longer if you want it to be, or if the kid's really engaging in it, but just know going into the conversation with your kid, it doesn't have to take a lot of time. This isn't a therapy session. You're just gathering some facts, okay? And listening to your child and validating them. So then you say you're going to think about it. You're going to get back to them with a plan. Now you're ready for step two. Before you address this with your child, you are going to do step two, which is prepare for the worst. We can't always be prepared.

Life throws us curveballs. Our kids certainly do, but there are certain things we can spend a little time preparing for so that we are ready to respond to whatever the worst is instead of react, right? We can be prepared. We can boost up our confidence and feel empowered to address any kind of difficult situation that happens related to going to the event. So think about if the event you're going to has more adults than kids. Think about if there aren't kids your child's age. Think about what you can plan to bring along that your kid enjoys doing to keep them entertained.

Think about if your kiddo is scared or shy around other people. Have a plan. Think about this ahead of time. If you know they're going to want to be held or stay close to you, make that normal. It's no big deal. That can be a matter of fact thing. They're just shy. They need some time to warm up.

They're not comfortable in these situations. Don't be bothered by that. Just be like, hey, they're going to need to be held. I'm going into it knowing. They're going to be kind of clingy.

They're going to be wanting to stay close to me. I can still go on with my conversations with people and have my arm around them or be holding them in my arms or having them sit near me and not saying anything. It's totally fine. You can take it a step further by, you know, reaching out to whoever's hosting the event or your family and friends that are going to attend.

You'll know who these people are that you can talk to, but you can, if you know that there's that one person or a couple of people that are like super excited and they want a hug and they're just like super energetic and that really throws your kid off. Just have a quick conversation with them and say, hey, I just want to give you a heads up. It's best not to really acknowledge my kiddo or try to get them to engage, especially when we first come. You can even tell them it's almost better to pretend as though they aren't there, like engage with me or the other people and just kind of not even looking at my shy kid. It's better to do that than to try to get them to engage because that, believe it or not, with shy kids, that actually helps a child feel more comfortable. They don't feel pressured or on the spot. They don't like to be the center of attention. So that's a really fun tip that you can just make this really normal and matter of fact, and your kiddo isn't feeling pressured to have to shake somebody's hand or give somebody a hug or say hello or whatever. They just, they, they're just kind of coming in with you and settling in. If you have more than one child and some of the kids like to go and they're super excited but others don't, it's okay to bring the kids that do enjoy the gathering and allow the other ones to stay at home. Now of course if it's a close family kind of thing, definitely all the

kids have to go. But just consider if it's a specific event that not all the kids need to attend, it might be better to prepare and have a sitter for the kiddos who don't want to go. That way you can have more fun. You have permission to not bring the whole family, even if other people will say, oh, you know, where's Jordan? I thought Jordan would be here. And you can say, you know what? Jordan wasn't really feeling up to it tonight. We got a sitter. He's hanging out and we're here to enjoy the gathering. It's like, no problem, right? Right. But how can you prepare your introverted child for the family gatherings? If it's a non-negotiable and your child must go, then prepare them. Before the event, you can set clear expectations with your kiddos. You can pack a holiday travel bag with a couple of snacks that you know they like and some activities that they can do on their own or invite maybe one other kiddo into the activity with them. Maybe you bring a little blanket and pillow in case they just want to snuggle up and watch a show while they're at the guest house. And then another thing you can do to prepare your child is give them some ideas of what to do or how to respond to the other guests.

You can say, oh, remember Uncle D is gonna be there and he's super funny and he likes to play with all the kids and sometimes he can be a little bit loud. Well, fill them in, fill your child in on who the guests are and maybe a fun or funny fact about the guest to create some curiosity in the kiddos. Give them a little background on how you know the person or maybe remind them of some fun things that they've done in the past with that family member or friend.

Or you can say, and here's what you say if you don't want to play. You can say, thank you, but I'm good. Thank you. I want to hang with my mom.

Give them some words or some things to say. No, thank you. You know, some polite manner kind of things like, no, thank you. I just want to watch.

Give them the words and help them prepare for that. So fill them in on the guests and like who's all going to be there. Just give them the kind of the lay of the land, very matter-of-factly, not with like this sympathetic concern, right? Just very matter of fact, this is what's going to happen.

This is who's going to be there. And then how long do you expect to be at the gathering? How long is it going to last? If a kid's old enough to know the timing, let them know.

You know, we plan to be there from 6 until 10. It's going to be a little late. You might be a little tired. You know, oftentimes we're ready and we're prepared to tell our kids who don't want to leave an event.

You know, we give them like the 15 minute warning. It's almost time to leave. The five minute warning. It's almost time to leave.

That kind of thing. But we often don't think of our kid who's shy and quiet and not causing a fuss to fill them in on, you know, it's almost time to go. We'll be leaving soon. And that can be really comforting to a kid.

So make sure that you're including your introverted kiddos in on the plan for how long you plan to be there and when it's almost time to go. Also create like a safe space at the gathering where they can head out to by themselves and kind of retreat if necessary. Like they just want to get away from the noise and all the hustle and bustle. Maybe there's a spot in the person's home that you're in or at the gathering where they can just kind of go have their own little spot, their own little corner of the world.

You know, a really fun thing to do if it's in a wide open room and it's not like in a home where they have an option to head into a different room, bring an umbrella. It's really kind of a fun thing for kids. They can have their own little blanket that they can put on the floor, maybe a pillow, a stuffed animal a toy or a game or a book whatever they want to read so you can lean that up on the floor and they can kind of hide behind it and they've got like their own little safe space their own little zone and remember that some kids just prefer to be a fly on the wall they still want to be in the room with the other people but they don't want to be engaging they just want to observe and they want to watch and to them that's fun enough you know we don't need to try to pull them in and make them more comfortable than they want to be they might just want to be a fly on the wall and be part of the gathering, but they don't want to actually be interacting. That's totally okay. Now also you're going to want to prepare and actually maybe expect a meltdown or an unwanted behavior. So you know your child best. What is the possibility that they are going to wet noodle on the floor and throw a tantrum? What's the possibility that they're going to keep coming to you and saying, are we going to go yet? When are we going to go? Are we done yet? Are we done? Can we go? Are we leaving yet? Well, what is the worst that you are concerned

about. Make a plan for that. You know, are you worried about them not getting along with the other kids and getting into an argument? Plan for that. What is your response going to be if that happens? You can even let your kiddo in on what you've prepared for. You know what, Jordan?

Sometimes I know you get frustrated with the other kids. They want to play with the same things you want to play with. You don't want to play with them. You want to play alone. You might have a meltdown. Here's what the plan is. If that should happen. Here's how I plan to handle that. What do you think? What do you think you can do? Or what do you need me to do if you are overwhelmed or upset with somebody else? Do we need a code word? Do we need a plan to take a break? Just take some time to figure this out and plan ahead. Like maybe this is a chronic thing in your family where events are just really like you want to go or you feel obligated to go and you're going and yet you're like dreading it the whole time, book a 30 minute call with me. I'm going to help you set up a game plan that's going to boost your confidence because you know what? When we're prepared as best we can be, our confidence naturally goes up. And when we're confident leaders for our kids,

our kids do better and they actually feel better and they feel more settled in. Okay. So now in step three, now that you prepared yourself for the event, you can be confident about attending and you're ready for step three, which is changing the conversation. Changing the conversation begins with being empathetic, not sympathetic.

So please don't feel sorry for your kids when they have to do hard things. Instead, be empathetic and understanding, confident and encouraging, which is actually going to empower your kids. I mean, I promise your kids will thrive when you are that confident leader and you're prepared and you're going into it with a, hey, we've got this kind of attitude. And also, there's no need to be embarrassed or apologetic when you get to the event if your kiddo isn't reciprocating the welcome and the greeting from someone, let's say.

You don't need to explain or over-explain your child's shyness. So sometimes we think that if we explain to our family or friends why our kid is the way they are, that it's going to help the child and it's going to help the person like going to make it more comfortable for you know the person's house we're going to or the family members that were around but sometimes we overdo it and it's tmi too much information and if the child's in earshot while you're sort of defending them to somebody else your child could actually become embarrassed because remember they don't want to be the center of attention so if you find yourself sharing too much information, almost like you're justifying the child's behavior or justifying your parenting,

pull back, pause, take a minute and remind yourself that you don't need to go into great detail about why your kiddo is the way they are or why you've chosen to parent the way that you do. Instead, you can just respond in a matter of fact, this is us kind of way. And you kind of keep her moving. In other words, if you feel like somebody is giving you advice about, you know, how you should get your child to engage or include them or, you know, make them buck up and join in even when they don't want to. If you feel like you're getting caught into a conversation like that or you're beginning to overshare, just simply pause and then ask the person that you're talking to a question about themselves. It's a great way to change the subject and get the focus off of you and your child. Remember, we do this in a Columbo kind of way with our kids sometimes when they're starting to melt down or argue with us and we want to change the conversation. We can kind of be like,

oh, I forgot to feed the dog or oh, I left something in the car. And you kind of interrupt the conversation or the battle for a minute and shift gears to something else. You can do that with adults too. You can be like, oh, hey, I forgot to ask you. And then ask them a question about their job or their kids or something else. Or, oh, hey, you know what? I forgot something in the car.

I'm going to go grab that. I'll be right back. And that can kind of get you out of an awkward conversation or awkward situation that's focusing on your introverted child. So if you have that auntie or uncle who's just like insistent on getting your kiddo to engage and join in on the festivities and the fun and all that, you can say, hey, no, hold on. We're all good. She just needs a few minutes to get comfortable. Or you can even say, you know what, my kiddo would just prefer to watch and not engage. Let them know, let that kind of over extroverted kind of person know that it's more fun for your kiddo to sit back and observe.

Like that's a totally normal thing for a lot of people. I mean, this is true for adults, right? Some of us are huggers, some of us are not. Some of us are more extroverted, some are more introverted.

Introverts, it doesn't mean that they don't want to be a part of the fun. They just tend to enjoy observing and watching and being a part of the festivities that way. So you can just say, hey, we appreciate you wanting to include Jordan. You know, here's the deal.

they're just more interested in watching and not playing. It's actually more fun for them to do that. And thanks for wanting to make sure that Jordan's not left out. You know, it's true that some kids actually just need to warm up a bit and get their bearings, you know, scan their environment, kind of check things out before joining in or engaging. It's not that they don't want to engage at all. It's just they need a few minutes and eventually they may warm up and joining on the fun. For these kiddos, it's really good to help them participate in ways that feel comfortable to them. And sometimes just helping them warm up by asking them to help set the table or set up a game or go get something for you. Give them little tasks that they can do when you're right there with them. That helps them kind of warm up. Sometimes they're asked to play a game and they don't want to play the game, but maybe you'll take their spot as the parent. So if they were asked to play a game and they said no, consider taking their spot in the game, playing the game for them, starting the game out for them, and then maybe halfway through you say, hey, would you like to tap in? Would you like to take my spot over? Because sometimes kids won't join in on the game or play the game because they just don't know how to play that game and they're worried they're not going to be good at it. Maybe they're not super comfortable around the other kids that are playing

the game. They're new to the environment. Well, maybe once they've had a chance to observe how the game is played, they'll feel more comfortable and they'll want to join in. So it's a good way to just take the kid's turn, start the game for them, and then maybe ask them if they want to tap in.

All right, so the last thing I'm going to say to finish this up is be sure to have fun yourself. You don't need to always be entertaining your kiddos, even if they are bored or not interested in anything that's going on at the party. You can still enjoy yourself and have fun. we don't need to constantly be figuring out how to make sure our kids have fun or entertain them it is totally okay for kids to be at events and be bored they'll figure it out or they'll just be bored while you're there but we don't want to send the message that life and the events and the activities revolve around how they're doing allow yourself to have some fun at the events and at the parties even if your kiddo is not whooping it up like you are and not all in like you are it's okay for them to just be able to sit back and or to be bored. They'll figure out how to get through that event. It's no problem. All right. So just remember, every child is unique. Every situation is unique. Finding that right balance that respects your kiddo's introverted or shy nature while allowing yourself to enjoy holiday gatherings the way you would like to is really key. And it can be tricky to do, but it is definitely doable. All right. Give yourself some grace. Make sure to not feed the problem, not give the problems more attention they deserve.

Keep a very matter-of-fact attitude, a confidence, keep your shoulders up, keep your head held high, be understanding, use empathy, and you'll get through these holidays with grace. All right, I hope those tips have been helpful for you. Again, if you need anything, reach out to me. There's a calendar link for you to book a call. Although I know at this holiday season, it might be tricky. You may need to send an email in case it looks like my schedule's filled up.

I might have some times reserved. You can always email me, Jackie, at noproblemeparents.com. You can text your question to 320-640-1599.

If you have a quick question for me, feel free to do that. And I'll do my best to help you out over this holiday season. Next week, we're going to wrap up our three-part holiday series with some tips about how to respond to your kiddos who overindulge in holiday treats. And that's going to air next Thursday.

I think it's the day before Wednesday we're going to have a special guest on to talk to us about health and nutrition and how to not diet. And be sure to tune in tomorrow for part three of our Mission Control series. It's the last episode in that series, and we're talking about pro-social behaviors for ages 3 to 13. You're going to find more suggestions in that episode that's going to help you with the holiday season and some of these engagements that we're going to with friends and family.

Like Nan Arkwright's book series, Mission Control, The Big Feelings Adventure, shows parents how to respond to our kids when they're melting down, when you're dealing with sibling or peer rivalry, to be helpful and cooperative, caring and kind. Teaches them to share how to be fair and make thoughtful decisions and so much more. So tune in tomorrow for that part three of the three-part series. And if you haven't yet registered for the 90-minute Becoming a No Problem Parent training, you can do that today.

There's a link in the podcast show notes. You can get started. It's a DIY and it will give you some great insights before you enter the holiday season and some tips for during the holiday break when your kids are home from school. I hope these tips are helpful for you.

And again, message us if you have any suggestions, tips or ideas or just have a question. You can go ahead and text us at 320-640-1599. All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey, thanks guys for tuning in.

If you found value in today's episode, click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost. Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool. Go to NoProblemParents.com.

Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks. So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this. Thank you.