Part 2/3 Mission Control: A Big Feelings Adventure (ages 3-13) Emotional Regulation with Author Nan Arkwright

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Welcome to part two of three in our series, Mission Control, A Big Feelings Adventure. We're talking with Nan Arkwright. She is the author and a mastermind behind this series of books, most of which are coming out in 2024. But Mission Control is out now. And we're going to continue part two today talking about emotional regulation. Let's first for the listeners out there today, if they don't know what we're talking about when we say emotional regulation, what is it? Emotional regulation seems to be a buzzword that a lot of people are becoming aware of now. And they're not words that I hear adults using with children. Only on occasion have I heard that. But there seems to be more awareness of that term. And what it really means is,

do you have control over your reaction to situations? What is your reaction to situations? How do you handle those feelings? So something may come up that you don't like, what do you do in response to that? It's highly correlated with executive functioning, meaning ability to think through things rather than being impulsive with your reactions to something and being able to manage your time being able to focus being able to attend to things that are important and be able to filter out things that aren't important like the siren down the street that's a mile away and those kinds of things are part of executive functioning and it's a big part of what we do in our daily lives we we prioritize things because that's what's important right now and we don't pay attention to something else that can wait. Like if our phone rings, but we're in the middle of a meeting, like we can know that I'm not expecting a very important phone call right this minute. So I'm just going to wait until I'm finished with this meeting because I have that ability. I don't need to pull it out and look at it and see who it is while I'm talking with someone in a meeting. So those kinds of skills for kids, it's a lot of executive functioning skills are required for school work. So all day long, it's requiring that of kids socially, academically.

For example, if they're going to be writing a story, they have to be able to think through from start to finish what's the story going to be about. They have to keep that in mind while they're also trying to actually write the story, remembering the capitals and periods and how to spell it and how to write the letters. And is that making sense to the receiver of this information? the listener or the reader and there's so many things to and do I have time to do this if I go into this aspect of this story will I have time to finish it before the time is up all those kinds of things are executive functioning but it shows up on a daily routine at home as a bedtime routine or getting up and getting ready for school in the morning where kids have to manage like are you going to spend 20 minutes brushing your teeth because you're looking at the toys on the counter or talking about whatever's on your mind or imagining something in your head or acting it out well instead of brushing your teeth like kids don't always know how to prioritize and to stay on task with something and to control those thoughts and think oh I can think about that later, I can wait for that because I know that I have a book waiting for me in my bed as soon as I brush my teeth. I'm thinking of the younger kiddos too, like those three, four and five-year-olds when they're at daycare and they're playing with something and then they turn to get some more toys

and somebody takes the other toys that they were playing with and, you know, they lash out and grab them and bonk a kid over the head with it or they scream or they melt down or they cry, you know, some fight back, others are completely, you know, super distressed and crying and they just melt down, you know, and keep to themselves, but they're loud, you know, so I think all of that is executive functioning, right? It's really hard to regulate. And that same example happens at home too, of course, right? Absolutely. Most often, they're disappointed about something, or they're not allowed to do something that usually is what sets that off. And they don't know yet how to handle that in a more mature way, their brain hasn't developed enough for them to know how to respond any differently than that. So they do need the guidance. And I love that. And so, you know,

I have a PDF out there for the 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool. So I'm really good at teaching parents responses to not engage in those fits and not, not treat those, those meltdowns and things like it's misbehavior per se. I mean, sometimes it is for sure, but oftentimes it's just, I, I don't like what you're asking me to do. I don't want to do it, And it's not so much about them just being a naughty kid.

It's about, I don't know how to switch gears. I don't know how to shut down. That's why I love Mission Control and the book and the work that you're doing. But it's not just kids.

This is not just a book for kids. This is really a way to teach them about emotional regulation. Right. And how the parents can teach about emotional regulation.

And you actually have your group for parents as well as the group for kids. so you're teaching parents how to read this how to interact and engage with their child during the story yes yeah that's a big part of the book because exactly what you said like parents didn't the kids didn't come with a guidebook so this is attempt to be that way here's some language to use it's what you're doing with your 60 ways to respond to your child same idea what helps a child calm in the moment? What agitates them? The word but agitates a child. No, of course, really sets off many children. There's ways to kind of come through the back door and let a child know, yes, we can have a cookie. I love that. Like you and I talked about this before, but it's like,

yes, you can have a cookie just as soon as you finished getting your jammies out or just as soon as you finished clearing your dishes from the table. So you're saying no to something by saying yes to something else. And so you're not jumping in all defensive right away. And that does help a child learn about emotional regulation. And when the parent is already regulated themselves, because they've done what they needed to do during the day to manage their time and to manage their stress, and they've done the exercise or whatever it is that meditation, whatever it is that helps them be available to the child in that moment, then their modeling emotional regulation for their child versus if they haven't done those things and they're really not in a place where they can do that modeling for their child, then they're modeling something different for their child. And then that's what the child learns instead. So it really matters how the parents are handling. So your list is great that they have some choices of things to say.

And why do you think it's so hard for parents and kiddos to manage our emotions? You know, what do you think? People ask me this all the time. Why is it so hard for parents to manage their emotions with their kids? I mean, they're the adults, the kids, the kids. Don't we understand that kids are supposed to misbehave while they're in our home and it's our job to teach them and get them back on track? I think that it's a complicated answer. And I think some of it is an unrealistic expectation on the part of the parents of what children should be able to do.

and we live in a busy complex society where it's go go go and so it's there's so much of well we need to do this so i need you to also do this because we need to get this done so i need you just get your shoes on because it's time to go out the door i need to get out the door so you need to be able to do this but if they don't have the skills for whatever reason it may be that they just haven't practiced it enough. It may be that they have some executive functioning difficulties.

It may be that they feel pressured to hurry up and get out the door. That's one of the biggest ones that I hear is when they feel like I have to get out the door. Kids don't understand it in the same way as adults, what that means. And they are just living in the moment. They're not thinking three minutes ahead or 10 or 15 minutes ahead about getting out the door. They're in the moment, Like I'm playing with my toy. This is fun. And so it's hard for them.

And sometimes there's just not a routine. That's the same day in and day out. And things come up, the phone rings and unexpected things happen in the morning. And all of these things build in the day. And then kids are sent off to the school in a dysregulated state.

and so the i think that sometimes the also the medication hasn't kicked in yet if a child is taking some something for attention for this for the school day anxiety is a big one too both on the part of the parents and the kids so if the parent is anxious about something then that the child will pick up on that and then often the child is also anxious and so that's really hard to manage all of those variables that could be going on. And it's often more than just one thing that's going on that makes it hard to regulate emotions throughout the day. But that's just getting out the door example. You know, like we talked about in part one, for kiddos that are in school all day or at daycare, and then there's afterschool care. So some kids are gone from six in the morning until six at night. And I know that's reality for a lot of parents. And I know that that doesn't have to be a reality for a lot of parents, but sometimes parents think, well,

it's better that they're at the afterschool care with kids. Cause if they were at home, they would be bored or there's not enough going on. I can get more work done. And that's not necessarily always the best for kids either, because, you know, like we talked about, there's a lot of stimulation, there's a lot of noise and it can be harder for a kid to calm before bedtime when they've been so amped up all day.

But the other thing I wanted to mention is oftentimes when kids aren't getting enough of your time, when you're not investing enough time in them. And again, the investment of time doesn't have to be hours. It can be five minute segments. It can be 30 second responses where you're looking them in the eye and meeting the mommy, mommy, I need you, you know, tugging on your pant leg and just really for 30 seconds, looking in their eyes and responding with whatever it is they wanted to show you or ask you.

But it can even be five minute, 10 minute, 15 minute increments where there is some closeness, some connection. They're sitting next to you. They're sitting on your lap or you're engaging with them eye to eye, face to face. And that can go a long way for a child. But when they don't have that investment, oftentimes they will slow down when you say we got to hurry up.

Because the slower they go, the more even if it's not, you know, like really fun time with mom or dad. it's I've got your time and I've got your attention and I'm in control of that right now when most of the time I'm not. That's a great, great point to make. Yes, it's definitely goes on in a lot of situations for sure. It's one of the biggest things that makes a big, that makes a huge difference is that time, whether it's sustained five or 10 or 15 minutes, or whether it's 30 seconds, like you said, it's seeing the child and hearing the child and acknowledging i you exist and you're important to me and i want to be engaged in your involved in your life i want to know what you're thinking it's giving those messages which is great and i think another reason that it can be hard uh to regulate is sleep like that's another really big thing that i hear a lot about and kids are in their parents beds so not only are the kids not getting their sleep because it's disruptive but parents aren't getting their sleep either because their sleep is disrupted.

And sometimes it's more than one child in the bed. And so I hear that a lot. And then even if the children are staying in bed, sometimes it's pretty restless sleep. And I don't have very many parents who actually go get sleep studies done, but sometimes parents report to me their kids are snoring.

I don't know. I'm not a doctor to know. Is that a sign to go in and get sleep study? But I think that sometimes kids sleep is not all that restful.

So we all have had the experience of being tired in the morning and how that feels to us and how less patient we are and what a difference it makes when we actually do have time to get our seven or eight hours of sleep every night. And when our children are able to do that, too. So I think kids are working from a deficit if they have not been able to get good sleep as the parents. So if parents that are listening today, if you do have a child who's snoring or mouth breathing or sleeping with their butt up in the air, I didn't even realize that was a thing.

If they have issues with speech, you know, pronouncing certain letters and having food issues, if they're picky eaters or problem feeders, you're going to want to listen to episode 144 with Cherie Wertz. She talks all about sleep and sensory, and she has an amazing resource for things that are often overlooked. So sometimes, yes, sleep studies are important or can be important, but there are other things that we can catch really young.

So thanks for bringing that up, Nan. And of course, I always love going back and recommending other episodes, especially for listeners that are new to the show. And one of the things I love about your book, Nan, is that it's really a threefer. You're teaching bedtime issues, you're teaching emotional regulation, which we're going to get into in a little bit, and you're teaching pro-social behaviors.

before we get into all that since we've referenced the 60 ways to respond to your child without losing your cool i want to make sure parents that you know that that link is in the show notes as well if you have not downloaded it it's absolutely free and it gives you some really good ways how to not engage in battle defense or resistance with your kiddos and if you're struggling with a specific behavior and you're not sure which responses to use or how to even begin with your kiddo book a call with me it's a 30-minute call cost you 50 and i'll include the training the becoming a no problem parent training all for just $50. There's a link in the show notes for that as well. All right, let's get back into the episode. We're going to meet the characters in Mission Control, and we're going to learn more about emotional regulation.

Last week, we talked about Spaceman Sam and Robojo. So let's just really quick talk about each of the characters. So the main idea of the book, if people didn't hear the previous episode, is how a child is managing his emotions. So the title of the book is Mission Control, A Big Feelings Adventure.

So in the book, I am trying to model for children and for adults reading the book to the child how to regulate emotions. And so in the story, Joseph, the main character, is a young boy, seven-ish, and he's watching TV and he doesn't want to have to stop watching TV because it's bedtime. his mom in the story regulates him so some people may be familiar with the term co-regulate meaning i don't know how to regulate all by myself i don't know how to just say oh okay i'll finish watching this tomorrow some kids really need an adult who can help them so that's what happens in the story is the mom talks is standing there as she sees her child getting upset saying to herself, share my calm, share my calm.

So she's doing her own self-talk and knowing I need to be able to help my child because he doesn't know how to do it himself. In order for me to help him, I need to be regulated. So she's just sort of regulating herself in that moment and how she can do it. Lots of ways to do it in the moment.

Go get a drink of water and say, I'll be right back and just go get a drink of water, splash some water on your face whatever just in a quick moment or some deep breaths something like that so that the parent then can be available in the story to joseph to help him with his big feelings because he has a really big reaction to that because he it's his very very favorite tv show so of course i wrote the story with the mom even though she has a lot of skills i set up the story that it would be something more typical of what happens in a household where, oh, I looked at my clock. I was 15 minutes late on the phone. It's time to get to bed because that's where the reality in many houses. I could have written the story where the mom like comes in and says, oh,

let's sit down and watch this TV with Joseph for a few minutes until the end of the episode and plans it all out and has it all organized. That doesn't really happen in most households. so even if that kind of situation arises i'm trying to show that there are ways to try to manage that and that's what the book is modeling so the mom throughout the story is the person who is helping him because he doesn't know yet and helping him at the end of the story learn from the experience so i think a big important part for all children learning new things like this is to narrate first this happened and then this is what happened when I gave you the support so helping the child know like it wasn't just it didn't just happen there were things that led from one step to the next so when you were upset I was there to help you with it I helped guide you through this and when I was there to do that it made it easier for you and then you are going to solve your own problem and how does that feel that's how your brain grows from learning through experiences of what to do when something's hard and there's a poster in the main character's bedroom that says tomorrow i will be a day older tomorrow i will be more practiced and tomorrow doing hard things will be just a little easier oh that's so cool I think kids need that encouragement. They need to be able to think tomorrow's another day. I learned something from today that's going to help me tomorrow. So that's why that poster's in there. So in the story, there's also a segment where Joseph, the main character, goes into his imagination, where he tries to work through the big feelings that he has.

and so in the story since mom's not in his imagination he takes his dog who i think acts as a support dog for him throughout the story and his imagination as well as in the real life part of the story and so she's playing the role of mom so in the story gretchen knows he's not really i mean he's a young kid he doesn't know how to do all of this so gretchen is right there with him guiding him as though his mom were there. And she's always, always there. And that's what I, one of the messages I'm trying to get across in the story is grownups can be there with you.

It's important for a child to feel like somebody's there to help. I love it. I love it. When does Robojo join in and how did Robojo get his name? Well, Robojo is the character that Joseph, it's like his avatar so joseph it's hard for kids to like kids can talk about characters and stories they can talk about the kid across from them in the classroom who did all of these things at school that they love to come home and report about but insight for themselves is harder and so it's easier to put on sort of a to pretend to be somebody else who has the superpowers that you don't feel like you have right there in the moment. So if you can pretend to be somebody who can work through a hard situation, then it makes it feel more like I could do that. That's what pretend play is all about.

We all know kids are pretending and working out situations that have occurred to them during the day or that they've seen on TV or whatever. They're trying to make sense of their world. So Joseph is trying to make sense of his big feelings and trying to figure out how do I manage what I really want, but what my mom is expecting me to do. That's a really hard thing for kids to just stop doing what they really like and start doing something that is expected because a grown up asked them to do it. And so Robojo is the character, the persona he takes on. And so Robojo does the battling for him and is the victor in the end over the green hypnosaurids, which are the characters that Joseph keeps thinking about in his head, like, but I just want to have fun.

I just want to have fun. That's a key thing. You said the green hypnozoids. What are the green hypnozoids? They're the characters in the story that represent, I just, I'm immature. I'm young. I just want what I want. It's all about me. Why can't I just do what I want to do? And it's one of the biggest things that I see with the kids I work with, but I just want to have fun. I want to do this homework. I don't want to have to wash the dishes.

I just want to have fun. And it's really, really hard for so many kids to understand that, yes, you'll get time to have fun. And there's also this to do. It's so hard for them to understand.

And that's what the story is about, is that, yeah, there are things you have to do. and there's also lots of fun things that you can do and the balance for many kids is really hard for them and so that's what the green hypnozoic characters the little monsters with three eyes are representing but I just want to play that's way more fun than doing hard things or things they call boring and so that's what he's having to overcome through the character of Rabojo who got his name from combining robot, because he is a robot character in the story, and Joseph, his own name. So he's identifying as a character outside of himself, but yet it is him.

I love it. Awesome. Okay. And then enter Spaceman Sam, who wasn't originally in the book. He got added in later so tell us about Spaceman Sam. Yeah one of my colleagues I asked to read it with me and she actually was the one who said you know kids really like superheroes I wonder if there's a role for a superhero and I knew instantly then what I needed to do so we added so we had the story starting really with just Joseph having a a big upset because he didn't want to go to bed so we added in the part about these are the things that will help him in learning about big feelings.

So Spaceman Sam is a superhero that he idolizes, he pretends to be. So we see that Joseph is a very imaginative boy who goes outside of himself to try to help solve problems. And so Spaceman Sam teaches Joseph, but of course the reader, that there are four steps that you can go through to help manage your big feelings. So the first step being, can you recognize in your body where you're having a feeling that feels uncomfortable? And so that's just a way for us as adults to pay attention to what is my body telling me. And then the next step is to let someone know what you're feeling uncomfortable about something, you're not liking something, because then that person can step in and help guide you, can help calm you, can help give you the tools. And if that process happens because someone's there and sticks with it and knows how to help regulate the child,

then they can be seen, they can be heard, they know that someone is understanding it. And sometimes tantrums go on a long time because the child doesn't think that the parent really gets it. And so they escalate because, wait, you're not hearing what I'm really saying. What do I need to do to get your attention or to get you to understand?

This is how I feel. if a parent or or i in my therapy session can really connect with a child in that moment of upset and really let them know i see what is upsetting to you it's just acknowledgement it's not necessarily agreement with what they're saying but it is acknowledging that that's what it's like for them in that moment that calms everything down it makes all the difference in the world and until that happens i feel that spaceman sam's last step of being able to solve the problem which is what joseph in the story ends up finally doing he just finally finds the willpower to just say okay i'm just going to do it but kids have all kinds of ideas on their own and i generally ask the kids to come up with a solution i don't offer it and if there's a child who truly doesn't know how I will offer some ideas but generally I just let the kids think it through until they figure out what they will do about a situation and it's some variation you generally I'll just do it but they have a way of knowing how they're going to do that and a way that feels comfortable to them and they don't necessarily like what we adults offer as a suggestion they don't like the imposing on them. This is what we're going to do now. They can figure it out themselves. And that's where a lot of the growth comes from, not only from going through the process of knowing like,

I can manage my big feelings. And when I have them managed, and someone has connected with me around it, then I can solve the problem. And then done. And I'm ready to move on.

absolutely love it all right did we cover all the characters i know there's dragons in the story there's willpower right willpower is not really a character but it is something that roberto possesses and he has tools that gretchen activates so that's part of the messaging too is that when parents can provide tools for the child in the moment that will help them. So in the story, it's a shield that comes down over Robojo to help filter out all the input and a laser that comes out of his head that helps him break free of the big feelings and have freedom from that.

And when that happens, that's when kids can start feeling like they can solve the problem. So they need that support from the parents. They need the foundation that's setting up by the parents to be able to finally say, I feel free of those big feelings now. I can do what's expected.

it. It's so great. Again, we're doing this in three parts, actually, because there is so much information that just this one book and you have several more coming out in 2024 that are already written there. You know, finishing touches are being added to them as we speak. But parents, you can go to a hop, skip and a jump ahead. And right on the main page, you're going to see the spot for Spaceman Sam's Club, which there's a club for kids and there's a club for parents.

And I'm not kidding you, parents, there is so much information that goes along with this book. It is just fascinating, Nan. All of the work and all of the creativity behind these books. I absolutely love it. The next episode of part three of three, we're going to talk pro-social behaviors. What are pro-social behaviors and how can you help to integrate those every day in your kids' lives? So thanks again for joining me today and we'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, good. I'll look forward to that again. Thank you, Jackie. All right. That's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey, Thanks guys for tuning in.

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Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks. So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this. Thank you.