Part 1/3: Mission Control: A Big Feelings Adventure - Bedtime Battles, with Author Nan Arkwright

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Thank you, Linda Wander and Sheer Dynamics for your sponsorship of the No Problem Parenting podcast. You're helping us help more families. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. From toddler tantrums to teenage eye rolls, this podcast is your go-to for updated and old school tips and tools that are gonna help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be.

Do you ever wish there was a specific manual that came with each one of your kids? I mean, what works for one often doesn't work for the other, right? And let's face it, we don't know what we don't know. And even if there was a manual, it probably wouldn't be able to keep up with all the changes in our world.

Well, this podcast is the next best thing. I'm your host, Jackie Finnaman, a 30-year counselor turned parenting coach. And I've got a lot to share, including hundreds of resources that you have access to right from your home and strategies that are going to boost your confidence and energize you. So whether you're knee deep in diapers or navigating the tween years, or you're launching your child into adulthood, subscribe and share this podcast with your friends teachers and daycare providers we're going to turn your parenting problems into no problem one episode at a time all right welcome back no problem parents today i have a very fun guest that is going to share with us all about her books that are coming out slowly one by one coming out i would like you to meet nan arkwright she's a pediatric occupational therapist with almost 30 years of experience and a writer who supports families in regulating emotions and solving everyday problems that come up at home and school.

At age 72, Nan is launching her writing career with an explosion of children's mental health books that are all expected to be published in 2024. She's already published her best-selling award-winning book, Mission Control, A Big Feelings Adventure. And you can find Nan at a hop, skip, and a jumpahead.com website.

I'm so excited to have you today for part one of a three-part series, Nan. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much, Jackie. I'm really excited to be here and to share what I've been working on.

So as a pediatric occupational therapist, I see the things that I write about, which is a lot of executive functioning difficulties that children have, emotional regulation, not being able to wait, not being able to think about what's going to happen if I do X right now, not being able to future think like that. Difficulty with confidence, being able to speak up, advocacy for themselves, difficulty with being able to transition, think about how their day has been and talk about it. So they kind of unload their backpack, those kinds of things, of challenges that many of the families I work with are having right now. And it's all been highlighted by the pandemic. So these difficulties that children had were probably already a bit of a challenge, but the pandemic has certainly made it much, much more difficult for families to navigate these ups and downs in their day. So seeing that, I thought I could write a book about that. And then that led to, oh, there's these other things that I could write about. And there's some more ideas I could write about. And most of the other books I've written are related to what I see with the kids I work with in social skills group. So they don't know how to interplay.

They don't know how to just say, okay, I'm out, even though they don't agree with it. A lot of the children are still learning about, if you argue with somebody about whether you're out, what happens. And if you just say, okay, I don't agree, but I'll be out, like what happens then? So helping kids learn about those kinds of things is what I do in my social skills group. So the things that come up frequently with what I've written books about winning and losing, those big challenges kids have. And so when I read the stories, whether it's the mission control, a big feelings adventure, which we're going to talk about mostly today, or any of the other ones that are more social skills oriented, social, emotional behavior kinds of things.

Those are all books that I can read to the children and apply specifically to their situation. So I actually this week read a book about winning and losing with a child and made a very specific, we made a list of all the things that were happening with the help of the parent who was with me. What are the things that kids do like about winning and losing? What are the things that kids don't like about winning and losing?

What happens if you do this? What happens if you do this? So the parents can then add to that list at home when they're playing with a sibling or playing with parents. Like when we play this game, what should we keep in mind?

What could we add to this list that we haven't talked about yet, that hasn't come up yet? So sometimes I think explicitly teaching kids really helps them understand more about what and if it's in the moment, which is the main reason for my social skills groups is because I'm there in the moment to help. And help them figure out that they don't have to run away. They don't have to shut down. They don't have to cry. There's help available. And I want to help them get through a situation so they realize, oh, there's a solution to the problem.

and now I can still go and have fun. So that's a lot of what's in my head when I'm writing the stories and when I'm doing the free gifts that I put on the website also. Like how can people actually implement this and how can people apply what's in the books? So I'm trying to put that information in the website so that parents have a little bit more of an idea of how can I do this at home?

so I don't have to have somebody doing it one-on-one with my child. How can I take some of that information and apply it in my own life? I love that. Absolutely love that. Before we get too much further, what are the age groups that you're really targeting with these books?

Because I work with them from ages three to 13, and most of the books are targeting like four to eight, but three-year-olds are benefiting and 10-year-olds and 12-year-olds are benefiting. so it's all in how you read it how you interpret it so I read it differently for different age groups and for different situations we're going to be talking in the course of the next three segments of this topic today we're going to talk about mission control but we're going to we're going to focus on bedtime and then next we're going to talk about regulation and then the final part three is going to be on pro-social behaviors but let's just start with sort of an overview of Mission Control, The Big Feelings Adventure? So the main character is Joseph, and he has a dog who actually is my niece's dog named Gretchen. And in the story, the boy is watching TV. He's learning about emotional regulation from the superhero in the book named Spaceman Sam,

who teaches kids that first, if you can notice in your body what messages you're receiving, pay attention to that because it will help you know what to do before the feelings get too big and then it's really hard to recover from so that's the early warning system that our bodies tell us about and if i ask kids where they feel it in their body they all know and they can actually point to very specific places in their brain or in their tummy or their chest where they feel the the sensations of discomfort, something feeling anxious, something feeling uncomfortable for some reason. And then Spaceman Sam teaches that the next step is to let someone know it's a great time to get some help, some support from someone who can make something easier for you or take away some of the demand for you by just providing some support. And then that person can also help you calm by doing some deep breathing or taking a break. And then at that point, then Spaceman Sam says that you can then actually solve the problem. And when I help kids go through those three steps,

the last step is the easiest, and it takes no time at all for them to figure out what to do. It's all the other steps that are harder for them because they're learning so much more about their bodies and their feelings. But this problem solving part is not that hard. So that's what happens in the story. There's a big picture story of Joseph who is upset because his mom's asking to go to bed, but he's in the middle of watching TV. So he doesn't like that idea. So he goes through those steps with his mom's help. And in the end, his mom helps him grow from the experience and helps him learn that he can be resilient. He can think about the future for the next time Or any other kind of transition kinds of situations where you have to stop doing something you do like or you're engaged in and start doing something that you probably don't like, like going to bed.

And so within that story, there's a smaller story. And that's how the story of Joseph working it out, how he's going to actually make that transition from being upset about having to stop TV watching and go to bed. So he goes into his imagination and he decides that he needs to become another character. And so step outside himself a little bit because it's easier to pretend about something.

And kids do use pretend play to help them learn to get through situations that are challenging for them. So he does that and he knows he has a battle inside of himself of, but I just want to watch TV. but my mom says it's time for bed and that's what the story is about how do i reconcile those two desires that i have i really do want to know do what my mom asked but it's really really hard because tv is very hypnotizing and really really compelling for me so i don't know how to do it so he does use his dog who goes on adventures with him who acts as the mom for him who can support him so his dog is the one who helps go through those four steps with him so that he can learn to use his willpower to overcome to defeat the the green hypnosaurids which is the little characters in the story that try to get him to just like don't you just want to have fun don't you just keep having fun that's just really what you want to do we all know but he has to defeat that desire and do what he knows is expected to do.

So he comes back to reality resolved to do that and having the ability to calmness and the decision has been made, I'm going to do this. And when I ask kids, how do you get things done that you really don't want to do? All of them end up saying, I just do it. So I often say to the kids, so I show them the book And I say, so here's the beginning of the book. And here's where the problem is happening. And here's the end of the book. You could skip all those pages in the middle, which is the battling inside yourself, the upset, the arguing, the avoidance, whatever it is, and just go from start to the finish of the book.

and you could do that. It takes a lot of practice. And if you're ready to do that, great. If you're not ready to do that, I can, I'm trying, the book is trying to model for parents how they can support the child through that phase.

So in the end, the child learns something from it and isn't actually feeling shame as a result of not doing what was expected. And so their self-esteem remains intact and they feel confident to, okay, I'm growing from this. And that's the main idea. And I can reinterpret that book in many, many different ways with kids, depending on their age, depending on their circumstances, depending on what the challenge is for them so that they can relate to the character and then feel like I can be like that.

I wanna be like that kid because all kids want to skip those middle pages in the book. They don't like it. No kids like that part. They don't like how it feels.

They don't like how it feels in the middle of it, at the end of it, the next day. So they don't, but they don't know what to do. So that's why I put such an emphasis on the dog and acting as the mom. Here's how.

So I'm really trying to model for the child as well as for the parent. And there's language in there that helps so that the child, so the parent lets the child know, I see you. I hear what you're needing. I understand and I'm going to help I'm here to help I'm right here so that's the main idea of the story I love it absolutely love it it's so fun and it's so descriptive and the illustrations are phenomenal I have to say um so let's talk about bedtime a little bit because that's a hot topic uh for many of my my uh clients why do you think bedtime is so hard not just for the child but also for the parent I think there are a lot of reasons first of all it's the end of the day Nobody wants to be dealing with something that's hard at eight o'clock, seven o'clock at night, whatever.

And so the kids have been disconnected all day from their parents for the most part. They've been in aftercare and at school and the parents have been at work, whether it's at home or in person. And they've all been exhausted from the demands of the day. And I think that it's often really underestimated how demanding that day is for children.

Oh, I agree. Yeah. School is very, very demanding. And then aftercare, you think, well, isn't it just play? But it's not. Social skills are very, very complicated, very complex, and it's hard for kids to navigate that.

And that's actually where parents report to me the most problems. In the classroom, not so hard for them. I mean, it's challenging more academically, but they have their place to sit. They have a plan.

It's all organized. It's very routine. And the teachers, they're supervising everything. So there's close tabs on all the kids.

But in aftercare, that's not really the same. It's very open-ended. It's very unstructured. I mean, there's structure to it, of course, but it's unstructured out on the playground.

What are the rules? What are the games? Kids don't always know that. And it's loud.

And it's loud and busy and kids running all over the place. Yeah, yeah. So it's hard for kids. So that's a couple of reasons.

Kids come home with all these things that have happened to them during the day. And when do they have a chance to unload the backpacks about that? Parents come home and they fix dinner and then they have the bath time and then it's bedtime. And they really need that time to unload the things that happen to them in the day and to try to make sense of that and have some guidance from their parents so that tomorrow they're starting fresh.

But if they don't have that chance, then the next day they really haven't recovered. They haven't sort of filled up the resources again. They need the time to play. They need unstructured free time to do whatever they want.

They need the exercise. All of those things are often not possible for many families at the end of the day. And so it makes it hard to transition from that period of time to I'm on my own now. in my bed and sometimes there's separation anxiety about that and then there's the anxiety around if there's maybe something under my bed or just the darkness or now I'm left alone with my thoughts and my thoughts aren't are kind of jumbled up and it's hard for me to fall asleep and I don't really have uh sleep hygiene sort of easy it's not easy for me to go through all the preparation that's needed in order to be able to fall asleep and then just the fidgety and and are the covers just right and all those things and so it's everything that i just said is not only true for the kids but also for the parents and it all presents sort of as oppositional behavior because i don't want to do this and it's hard for me i don't have the skills for it i don't have the patience for it i don't have the guidance and the support for it. So it's hard. And it can show up as a tantrum or avoidance or arguing all those kinds of things. Yeah, some kids will just want to zone out and others will act out. Exactly. Yeah. Great, great example. Yeah. And so you know, medications have worn off lots of times by that time also. And parents just are, are, are having hard time often at bedtime,

because all of that's going on with their child. And it's also going on with them. And it went on last night and the night before. And they get in sort of a loop and don't really know how to get out of it.

And so that's what I'm trying to help kids and families navigate. It's not about just the one thing. It's about building the foundation so that those things are easier for the family. So it's building sort of lifestyle.

is building a way of being as part of a family of what are your values how do you want to spend your time thinking through those things and being there to support your child not just in that moment when it's time to close down the the screen or close down at the train game or whatever it is it's ongoing is the important part so it's not just suddenly happening at bedtime it's looking at everything in their day and in their week, day in and day out. And what kind of support do I need as a parent in order to be available to my child to support? And what does my child need also that I can provide for them? So it does come first from the parents being able to be available to their child because they've done what they needed to do during the day, their own self-care so that they can be for their further child, because when that happens, then there's a much more successful bedtime transition. Think that it's not just, oh, it's bedtime, I'm going to do these five things.

I think it is laying the foundation all day long, all week long, every day, day in and day out, making sure that children have had their exercise, have had some time to have fun. Families are very, very busy with sports and birthday parties and family activities. and sometimes one of those ideas of like laying a foundation is thinking like is there a way to simplify things so we're not as busy because I think kids do feel very very busy they're busy from school beginning of the school day till after care and then they come home and they're busy getting their homework done and they're busy doing all the other things before it's time to go to bed and then the weekend is busy with a lot of sports two or three games two or even more than one sport at a time sometimes too so simplifying can be something that's helpful as a foundation more specifically it can be like making a plan for how what makes it easiest for us to get our bedtime more comfortable for everyone what's the easiest thing to do should I mean, getting the child's input, if they're old enough and capable of doing that, like, what do you want to do first?

What do you want to do after that? Let's make a visual bedtime routine. Most people do know that kind of a thing, but having the child have input into it also, I think, matters. and then also there's things that you can do like, oh, reminding the child that after we get our teeth brushed, we get to have the story and you can even talk about the story or maybe you pick out the story ahead of time so the child's excited and is motivated to get through this step because they know that's the next step.

Or maybe even before you start the bedtime routine, you're helping the child come to a conclusion about with the activity they are doing. So you join in with them, you make a connection and having a connection with your child. I mentioned earlier, like kids are not connected for much of the day. How do they get connected?

Because if they're connected with you and when it's time to do a hard thing, then it's going to go smoother, more likely for it to go smoother. And if they have not gotten a chance to feel connected with you, you've played with them, you've had that, even if it's 10 or 15 minutes of uninterrupted time with them, to just say, I see you. I delight in being with you right now in this moment. This is a treasured moment in my day, something I look forward to. I really want to share that with you. That helps everything.

So those are a couple of ideas. I love these ideas. And I love that you having that conversation, you're saying to your kids, I've been so looking forward to reading this book with you today, or having our nighttime routine together. I've been, it's the highlight of my day, you know, like saying things like that, that make, and the kids will model that too.

They'll be looking forward to it and they'll share that with you. So let's talk, you've shared so much about how Mission Control, the Big Feelings Adventure can help kids transition into bedtime. You talked about Joseph, you know, the main character of the story and how he models doing hard things and how he gets through those, like the middle pages, you call them, right? Gets through those and is successful at the end.

How often, I mean, you know, sometimes kids get stuck on a book. This would be a good book for kids to get stuck on, wouldn't it? Yeah. No, I do have families who say they read it over and over and over again and they pull it out months later too.

Like they might come to me and say, oh, this is going on. And I said, and I can say, oh, that sounds like a great topic to talk about using the book, Mission Control. So it's useful multiple times right away. It's useful over time. And there's just all kinds of situations that can be helpful to read that book and help the child sort of reconnect like, oh, yeah, I remember last time I was able to do that hard thing.

And I think that matters a lot if a child can remember, oh, you did this yesterday, didn't you? Or you did this, do you remember two months ago when grandpa was here or whatever it is, and you did that hard thing? I think that we could use that book again to help us do this hard thing that's happening today. yep absolutely i love that so we're going to talk uh in part two about emotional regulation and um how this same book can help but before we wrap up this episode uh and the topic of bedtime let's talk about your website for just a bit for parents who want to who want to go uh check out the book get the book and then it can also see a reading of the book right yeah if you go to the website and there is a section where you can sign up and you can join in it's all free of course you can join uh spaceman sam's club for kids and you can join spaceman sam's club for grown-ups and so there are so many activities for kids in the spaceman sam club for kids that are just fun to do but also you can look through there and see like oh here's something that i could do with my child that is very applicable and they're like little worksheets but then that where a child can actually answer the questions or draw a picture or something to show what they're thinking what they're feeling there's even a picture there's even an activity in there where the child can take the face of robojo who is the character joseph pretends to be when he needs to defeat the

the green hypnozoid characters and they can color the face of Robojo to show how they're feeling so in the story you'll see that Robojo changes colors from blue I'm good to go I'm ready to fight these hypnozoids to orange like oh this is getting harder than I thought I might have a meltdown I'm on the edge here to no color at all where he's completely offline and not available really really needs help in that moment so children can draw color their robojo face to show how they're feeling right now or they can have it and they can hang it on the wall and say show me which robojo face you're feeling like right now and so that's a way to for kids to assess their own emotions in a way that's just fun and relatable to the story. And if parents bring that,

point that out in the story as they're reading, like, oh, it looks like he's losing control. I wonder what's going to happen and how he can get back into the blue zone. I mean, it's meaning he's got a blue face and eyes when, blue mouth and eyes to show he's in control again. So that's something that I often do is help families understand that you use a color system with them to help them know red, yellow, green, for example.

Like these are the behaviors. These are the things that feel like green where I'm in control and it's a neutral situation. Yellow starts to say, oh, I'm starting to hear whiny voice or I'm starting to see your body falling on the ground or something like that. And having a list of things that happen in that zone.

And then also activities that can help move from that zone of, oh, I'm sort of on the edge here, back into green. Usually that requires an adult to help the child do that because they don't have the skills quite yet to be able to recognize that. So it's training them on the part of the adults. Like this is what's happening.

And kids are very responsive to knowing how they feel. So all of that in part two, we're going to actually go through, I think it'll be really fun in part two that we go through each of the characters and we'll just give you each of the characters names. Thanks so much for agreeing to do this three-part series with me, Nan. Oh, thank you so much. I'm enjoying it. All right. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for part two of the series where we're going to discuss emotional regulation. For now, head over to Nan's website, a hop, skip and a jump ahead.com. Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode, click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost.

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