Instilling Greatness In Yourself and Your Child with Special Guest Vera Thomas

Hey there, welcome back. No problem. Parents. Today's episode is all about instilling greatness in yourself and your kiddos. And my guest is going to share this one key thing that you can do to start improving the communication and relationship with your kiddos. Before we get into the episode today, I want to make sure that you're heading over to eventbrite.com and search for no problem parenting. Start following us. Each month we are having a roundtable event. Every month we choose a topic and then I bring on four to six other guests that are going to share tips, tools, and resources with you. And all it costs you is a little bit of time. You can register and join us on Zoom the day of the event, or you can watch the Facebook live stream later. So if you have a kiddo who's defiant or withdrawn, if you feel like nothing seems to help and you just don't know what to do, I can teach you how to get to the root of the problem and empower you to know what to do to help your kiddo. You know, I usually say to parents when they ask me why their parenting isn't working, I suggest that it's one of three things. It's either that you're being too nice,

you're being too mean, or you're trying to solve a problem that you're not skilled at and you're attempting to go it alone. You know, parents, you are the experts of your kids, but much like the president of a company, you don't need to be the expert in every area of your business to be the expert of your business. So if you're not feeling like you're the expert of your kiddo, let me help you. Let me lift you up so that I can help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Join us for our May Roundtable event where the topic is all about confidence and self-care for mom. Click the link in the show notes and get yourself registered. I look forward to seeing you there. All right, welcome back. No problem parents today. I have a very special, fun,

beautiful, loving, amazing woman on the show with me today. Let me introduce you to Ms. Vera Thomas. Vera is a life coach, a speaker, a trainer, a mediator, a poet, co-authoring over 16 best-selling books, producer of a weekly podcast radio show, The Vera Thomas Show, which I was honored to be a guest of not that long ago. Vera has worked with individuals, companies, nonprofit organizations, schools, and churches engaging youth and adults developing, designing, and delivering soft skills training and leadership programs. She's taught presentation skills and vision boards. Other programs for youth that she's done include an all-school assembly called I Believe in Me, using my power and anti-bullying programs and my greatness. And my greatness is designed to increase self-esteem and confidence, instilling greatness in myself and my children. Parents examine attitudes and behaviors that impact on their child's life. I'm so excited to have you here with me today. Welcome to the show. Well, thank you. I am so honored to be here with you.

Yes, this, my experience spans across 40 years. So all those things I've done throughout my career and I'm excited to be here. Well, I'm so happy to have you. And today we're going to really focus on what you mean when you say instilling greatness and how parents can do that for their children.

So just give us a little summary of this 40 years and how you came to create and develop instilling greatness. Well, I developed instilling greatness because I'm working with kids in the schools and trying to instill greatness in them, giving them confidence and helping to build their self-esteem and then finding that they were actually going home to parents that were not doing the same. And so it's like, well, we got to do something about this. And so when you consider that parents are coming into parenting with their own unresolved issues and their own baggage and the impact that it's having on their children, that is why I created Instilling Greatness in Myself and My Children.

One of the things, having been involved in a domestic violent relationship where my ex-husband actually attacked me in front of my son when my son was three months old, I knew that I was not going to raise a child in that type of environment. but when you are in those types of environments no matter how much confidence no matter how much self-esteem and which I had to work to become the person I wanted to be at that time because another reason I do what I do is because I grew up with no confidence no self-esteem I was bullied and ridiculed and told things like you're stupid you're dumb you're fat you're ugly you're nothing you'll never be anything by adults and and i never want any child to ever feel like i felt when i was told those things having pulled myself up from that having gone through all kinds of self-development and self-help programs and books and trainings to become the confident person that I was before I got married. And then in that type of environment, I lost it all. I lost it all.

And it literally, I was married for three years. It literally took me three years to get back to me, going back and going through all the things I went through in the beginning to become the confident person that I am. But I also realized at that point that I not only had to do it for myself, I had to do it for my son as well. And so I had to instill greatness in him. And he's 39 now.

And I can honestly say he is one of the most positive people you will ever meet. And the things that I did, you know, through my own experiences, plus through my education, those are the things that I do with parents and also with kids. And so that's what moved me into that whole arena of working with parents as well as with children. When my son was six years old, I wrote a poem and that poem was a reminder to me as to how I need to be as a parent. You want to hear it? Yeah, I'd love to. Okay. Children are people too. Show them the good inside of you. Give them praise for tasks they do. See their light shine bright through the light which comes from inside of you. Children need all we desire so much. The love, the hug, the kiss,

the tender touch, the attitudes we express to them are the messages they learn to send. From examples like you and me, our children grow to be what they see. Do you show hatred, indifference, or love? Do you yell and scream no matter what in spite of?

Have you shared kind words with your child today? Have you truly listened to what they had to say? Or did you just ignore and continue on your way, hoping they get the message and go somewhere and play? Children are an extension of all that we are and the most valued God-given gift by far.

There are so many things they must grow to understand. we must guide and lead them with loving outstretched hands teach and treat children as people too see their light shine bright through the light which comes from inside of you and that was a constant reminder to me as to how I needed to be and I would often think about that poem when things would happen you know with my son in my relationship and I'd have to remember okay we are yelling it's not good it's not good which is one of the things that parents often do and they don't realize the impact that it has on a child yelling can be traumatizing to a child and you know there's four basic types of yelling there's the raised voice we don't think we're yelling but other people say you're yelling at me but in actuality our voice is just raised but when you're told you're yelling at them, then we need to just kind of tone it down. And we can tell when we're getting ready to get all riled up and getting ready to move in that vein. And so at that point, I learned myself to just take deep breaths, just take deep breaths, sometimes counting to 10,

sometimes saying, I'm so upset right now. I really can't talk to you, go to your room and think about what you did and let's come back and talk about it later. And so, you know, the raised voice is one of the, one of the types of yelling. Then of course, when a child is in danger, we're going to yell. And I remember I was visiting my, my grandchildren. I have a two-year-old at the time. My grandson was two years old. This little boy, he is going to be a track star. I'm telling you he got out of my car and took off running took off running and I'm yelling miles come back his name is miles also miles come back come and I'm just yelling at him and yelling I couldn't catch him because I couldn't run as fast as he I mean a two-year-old I couldn't run as fast as he could and so I was yelling come back come back come back and he just kept running and he ran across the street. Thank God there weren't any cars. Right. There was a neighbor across the street that ran into the street, grabbed him and brought him back. Now, in a case like that,

when a child is in danger, of course, you're going to yell. Of course, you're going to yell. The type of yelling that can be detrimental is when we're angry, when we're frustrated, and when we're annoyed and we yell at our kids, that's traumatizing. It can cause anxiety.

It can cause depression. It can cause the behaviors to be even worse. Right. It's that uncontrolled yelling, right?

The uncontrolled yelling. And again, we know when we are getting to the point where we're getting riled up like that. And it's incumbent upon us to calm ourselves and then speak in a softer tone. There's a scripture that says a soft tone turns away wrath.

And so if we can recognize that we can probably, and my grandmother used to always say, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. And so keeping that soft tone can get the results that you want quicker than the yelling. And then I teach that I teach that remember the pause, which is like what you're saying, you got to slow down and count. And sometimes it can't be when you're in the same room as the kids. So either the kid goes to their room, or you exit stage left, and you get out of the room. But I teach that hand on your heart, hand on your stomach, six second pause and just breathe. You cannot help but breathe when you put your hand on your heart and your hand on your stomach, it forces you.

I have to do it just while I'm, I'm doing it right now to take that breath. And then the hand on your heart and the hand on your stomach also kind of helps you push yourself back instead of leaning forward, pointing the finger and starting to yell and demand and make those idle threats. Yes, absolutely. So parents, you know, if yelling is one of your go-tos, please consider what we're saying because I can't tell you and think about and the other thing I say to parents think about it how do you feel when somebody's yelling at you right and amplify it in a child one of the other things like hitting and you know many of us grew up in a family where that was the go-to right you know spanking and all of that but what that that teaches a child that that's how you resolve conflict and it's not the best way to resolve conflict. It causes the child to be fearful of their parents. And it again, can also cause the behaviors to be even worse and it can create mental issues. Yeah, absolutely. And I say too, that what it teaches a child, we tell kids all the time not to hit. Yes. And then if you spank them, what you're saying is, well, you can't hit when you're a kid, but when you're an adult, it's fair game. And that's just so it couldn't be more ridiculous. Right. And it's hypocritical. Right. So, and then making a child feel guilty to get them to do what you want them to do. That is actually, that's a form of bullying.

And it's also a form of emotional abuse and it's manipulation. and so making a child feel guilty and it minimizes them and so that is not anything that is good for a parent and some of the other things like comparing children why can't you be more like your sister why can't you be more like your brother whenever we do that then what we're doing is we're saying to that child you're less than and that's not that's not good and reminding of past behaviors and we not only do this with our kids but we also do this in relationships talking about what you did yesterday what you did a year ago what you did 10 years ago right every day is a new day and a clean slate and that should not only be with children but also in relationships we don't need to keep throwing back in a person's face what they did in the past it's in the past it needs to stay in the past you can't move forward looking back Right. Belittling, ridiculing, sarcasm, those things can make a child feel less than an excessive criticism.

And rather than criticize, maybe question what made you do that? Or how did you feel doing this this way? And questioning instead of criticizing to get them to begin to think about the behaviors that they are displaying. So how do we instill greatness instead? What are the alternatives to that list of things that you just mentioned?

Oh, my goodness. First of all, acknowledging when a child has done something well. Another thing for parents that have more than one child in the home, make sure that you are giving each one of those children their own time, their own space with you. And it may only be 10 or 15 minutes within a day, but give that child their own time so that they feel special.

They feel needed. They feel honored that you have recognized them for them. I remember one of the things that I used to do, I used to drive Uber and I remember picking up a father and his son. they were going to the Braves baseball game and when they got in my car we started talking because anytime I get parents and kids in the car I mean that's my go-to you know right you love that and so I was talking to them and he was saying to me that he has four children but he was bringing this particular son to the baseball game because that's what the two of them do together and but he says but my other children you know whatever it is that they gravitate towards that's what I do with them and I thought that's awesome for a father and they came from another state it wasn't you know they weren't even from Georgia they came from another state just to have that time together just that one child and his dad.

And the sun was beaming. You could see him just beaming. My dad brought me to the game, okay? And so spending that kind of time with your child.

The other thing that parents can do, you can almost pick up on what a child's gifts and talents are at a very early age. And so use that and embrace that. enhance it by getting them involved in those things that are going to build on their talents and on their gifts. I remember my son, when he was four years old, he told me he wanted drums.

Now, drums? Okay, well, I got him drums. And, you know, and so he's very musically inclined. And so he went from drums to the piano, which was good.

a little quieter not much so I play piano and I drove my family nuts having to practice that piano all the time you know but whatever it was that he wanted to do the only thing and he really he wanted to play football and I didn't want him to play football I did not it's a that is a violent game and so and I was concerned about him getting hurt and to this day he's like mom you never let me play football well right I didn't it had to be something that you could both agree on right right it had to feel good for both of you yeah exactly exactly and so building on what your child um gravitates towards is is important giving them praise when it's warranted and rather than criticizing as I said earlier um their misbehavior question them talk to them and that communication, be curious. You know, there's basically four types of parenting styles.

And the one is the permissive parent. And that's the parent that really wants to be their child's best friend. So as a result of that, they don't discipline them like they should be disciplined because they don't want to hurt their feelings or any of those kinds of things. Permissive parents also tend not to stick to rules and guidelines. They tend to hit and miss, inconsistent. And as a result of that inconsistency, they're raising children to be inconsistent as well. And they're raising children to not be as self-disciplined as they need to be. And then you've got the authoritative parent. Now that's the parent that does all the things that I just mentioned, spending that time, listening to them, talking with them, getting feedback from them,

involving them in decisions, even though you as the parent is going to make the final decision, getting their feedback and wanting to know how they feel about the decisions that are being made that impact on the family. Also, authoritative parents, they have boundaries that are non-negotiable and they have guidelines that are flexible. And that's very important. Then you've got the neglectful parent. Now, a neglectful parent may be right in the house with their children, but they're so consumed and so absorbed in their own lives that their children are fending for themselves. And that causes children to not have the discipline again, to look for love in all the wrong places and those kinds of things. Then you've got the authoritarian parent. And that's the parent that says, or the child says, well, why, why, why? The parent says, because I said so,

you know, without really explaining and, you know, explaining to them why these things are the case. And authoritarian parents also tend to be judgmental, critical. They may be belittling and ridiculing and all of the things that just does not make a child feel good about themselves. So those are the four basic parent parental styles, permissive, authoritative, neglectful, and authoritarian. Okay. Well, one of the things I want to encourage parents to do, This is a call to action. What I would like is for parents to sit down, write out 10 things that they value and appreciate about their child, and then ask your children to do the same for you and make it a family activity.

That is such a powerful exercise. And it's not one that I created myself. I happened to, I was watching a movie called Otherhood and Angela Bassett, she said to her son, I bet you there's not 10 things you can tell me that you appreciate about me. And at the end of the movie, he wrote out all these things and gave her flowers.

And I thought that is a great exercise. but not only from that perspective from both ends you know having the parents do it and having the children do it it is powerful so powerful I did it with my son the first thing he said was like oh mom I was like just do it just do it and he did it and I'm telling you it just made my heart just it just warmed my heart because sometimes parents don't even realize how their children see them Right. And a lot of times, because we're so caught up disciplining parent kids and what have you, kids don't realize how much parents value them as well. And so doing that exercise, it is so powerful, so powerful. So that's a call to action that I'm encouraging your audience to do tonight.

I love it. Before we wrap up the episode for today, this leads into something really cool that you do. Let's talk about your poetry. All right. Well, I write poetry and basically my poetry comes from whatever some experiences, you know, for example, I was very involved in the fatherhood initiative.

And I wrote a poem for fathers that the city of Akron actually commissioned and gave to every dad that took their child to the zoo this one Father's Day weekend. On one side was the poem and on the other side was a certificate of appreciation that said, thanks for being a great dad. Parents, if you want to hear that poem, I'm going to encourage you to attend. We have our new roundtable events that are happening each month.

And Vera is actually going to be on our June 14th roundtable event. And she's going to share that poem with all of you. So be sure to click the link in the show notes of this episode so you can get yourself registered for that roundtable event. And then Vera, you also do poetry.

Parents can order a poem specifically written for their child in their child's name, right? Yes. Tell us about that. I do name poems, but I not only do name poems for the child, but I also do them for the family.

And it includes pictures of the family and or the child. The poem also includes it. Now, these poems are intentional. They are intentionally designed to sustain confidence and self-esteem.

they are intentionally designed to look at behaviors that need to change and i write them in the poem as if the desired behavior already exists i can assure parents that if they have their children reading this poem every day for at least 30 days they're going to see what it is their child is saying i know it from experience i'm telling you and also i also have a poem, That's My Greatness, that I personalize with the child's picture, whatever their goals and dreams are, are depicted through pictures. For the family, each individual family member has a poem in this huge poster with their pictures and what have you, which makes for a great gift.

and so yes I've also done these poems for senior citizens as well as kids as well as adults I've even um I was commissioned to write a poem for a principal that was being honored and so I created this poem for her and they put it in the school in her office and so and I've and also um in honoring honoring people. I've done poems for that. There was a lady that celebrated her 100th birthday that the city that she lived in commissioned a poem for her that I did and also married couples. I have poems for that. I can write, I can customize a poem for whatever the occasion is. There is a questionnaire that people complete. And based on that questionnaire, the poem is a result.

I just love this so much. And so parents, we're getting close to the end of the school year. If you have kiddos graduating from high school, graduating from college, you have a kindergartner that just finished their first year of kindergarten, or a preschooler that's going into kindergarten and you want to start them out with this affirmation type poem that really, like you said, it like whatever it is you hope for your child and you want them to believe in themselves, you can have Vera write this poem out for you so that as if it already happened, as if they already have that self-confidence that you're trying to instill in them. And the more they read that, you can put it in your bathroom. So every morning they see it or in their bedroom.

So at night before they close their eyes, you know, they read that poem or they wake up in the morning and they read it before they head off to school or whatever they're doing. These are just absolutely brilliant and definitely God working through you, Vera, because what you I've seen many of your poems, you and I have met a few times. And I feel like we're sisters from another mister or something because kindred spirits for sure.

Tell our parents how they can get in touch with you. you can go to bit.ly Vera Thomas and there you can see all my social media um you can do a 30-minute free consultation with me and and so yes let's talk let me create some things for you let's talk about how I might be able to help benefit in your your family in many ways and I'm telling and also these poems are designed in the favorite color of that child or that individual that is so cool yeah and I think it's so cool too because if you have a grandparent you know if you have a a family member that's maybe in a nursing home or some assisted living program or something and they I mean what a wonderful thing for them to be able to wake up to every morning and read that um and having it come from you know a grandchild I think just how incredibly special that would be. So, all right, Vera, I'm going to have the link for your bit.ly page in the show notes, which again has the links for everything. We should talk about the show really quick before we head out the Vera Thomas show. Tell us about what you cover on that.

That particular show is designed specifically to uplift, encourage, motivate, inspire, and educate. So I have guests like you, that show was a powerful show. I loved it that was so fun I mean you just made it so comfortable and fun and you we did it live and I mean it was just it was amazing it was amazing it was amazing and so the point I mean being able to just uplift encourage motivate inspire and educate that's what I want to do that's my life and so that's what my show is all about and it's every Tuesday at seven and it's on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn. It's also a podcast that's on all of the podcast platforms. Okay. So that's seven Eastern time because you're over there in Georgia. So seven Eastern. All right,

parents, I encourage you to, if you're looking for a fun, special gift for anyone in your family, head over to Vera's link in the show notes and she'll send you that questionnaire. Vera, It's just, you're just a beautiful person and you really can identify the greatness in everyone. And that's a gift that is truly God given. Well, thank you.

Thank you. And Jackie, I just appreciate so much you having me here today. And thank you for promoting the things that I do because I want to make a difference in people's lives. That's, that's, you know, each of us must decide what it is that we can do to make a difference in our lives and the lives of others.

That's my motto. All right, parents, thanks for listening in today. And hey, real quick, before we go, are you ready to become a no problem parent? There are three ways that you can get started.

Choose the best fit for your learning style, your schedule, and your budget. Option one, for the do-it-yourself parents, purchase the Becoming a No Problem Parenting on demand program. In just a few simple modules, I'm gonna lay out for you the foundations for solving behavior issues in your family and with your kiddos. You can literally transform your child's behavior after watching just the first lesson.

Binge watch the videos in just an hour and a half or complete the program lesson by lesson in four weeks. This program comes with a personalized strategy session with me and a downloadable workbook. Option two for parents who like to learn live from the comfort of your home, but with the support of other rock star parents. You're going to want to join my eight week mastermind on your VEDA.

Your VEDA, U-R-V-E-D-A, Your VEDA is the next generation personal development platform providing live and interactive masterminds and masterclasses. And I am proud to be one of Your VEDA's partnering presenters. For just $100 a month, your Your VEDA membership gives you exclusive access to not only the No Problem Parenting Masterclass, it includes access for you and all members of your family to all of the masterminds on this learning development platform.

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Option three, work with me one-on-one. There are three parent coaching packages for you to choose from, but I got to tell you parents, one-on-one coaching sessions are limited and they require a 30-minute consultation with me before you commit to coaching. I want to make sure that you're ready to shift your mindset and that your family is a good fit for No Problem Parent Coaching. No worries, if it's not a good fit, I'll suggest resources and next steps for you and your family. So head on over to noproblemparents.com to get started or to check out the No Problem Parenting Mastermind on your VEDA's personal development platform, go to yourveda.org. You know, parents, the most common response I get from parents that have worked with me is, we wish we would have known of you sooner,

Jackie. So don't wait. Go to noproblemparents.com and get started today. Digital Audio Health by Cymotrax.

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