The Daughter Decoder: Help her Build a Solid Foundation with Special Guest Nellie Harden

Digital Audio Health by Cymotrax. Hey, No Problem Parents. If you are new to the No Problem Parenting Podcast, today I'm going to have you go back all the way to episode 49, which was titled Self-Led Discipline and Leadership. Set your kids up for a wildly successful life on their terms with the 6570 Project and my special guest, Nellie Hardin.

Designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their four daughters wanted to live. I have brought Nellie back on the show today and she's going to talk all about the Daughter Decoder and her program that really is going to help you help your daughter to build a solid foundation. Nellie was also one of the authors in our first compilation book, No Problem Parenting, Raising Your Kiddos with More Confidence and Less Fear.

And she's going to read a little bit of our chapter today to give you some more insight into what she's doing. She has free resources. She has paid resources. It's just, I mean, she's just a gift. She's raising four daughters and I absolutely just love her. So I hope you enjoyed today's episode. It's short and sweet. And again, if you haven't already, be sure that you are registering for our monthly round table events. You can register for the event. You don't have to show up, but at least you're going to get a reminder that the event is happening. If you're unable to be at the event, because I know they're at one o'clock central time. Sorry guys, there's only so many hours in a day so I got to do it when I can and when I can get other guests on to do these roundtable events register for the event and then that way you're going to get the reminder that it is going live that day on Facebook so if you can't attend still register so you get the heads up and then later on you can go back to our at no problem parents Facebook page and you can watch the recording you can fast forward to watch the parts of the pieces that you you know kind of resonate with you more. These roundtable events are another way for me to help you normalize and de-stigmatize the struggles that all parents go through when raising kids. In fact, it's my only guarantee. I guarantee you're going to have problems raising your kids. It doesn't matter your

economic status. It doesn't matter your education. It doesn't matter how awesome and amazing you are. There are going to be struggles and we all go through it. So let's just normalize this and deal with and overcome the problems and the challenges in our home. So be sure to connect on Eventbrite. Find No Problem Parents there. There's a link in the show notes as well.

And follow and subscribe to this podcast. The number one way you can thank me for this podcast is by leaving a review of the show. Give me a five-star review. Put a comment in there about something that really resonated with you. One mama left a review and said, as a mama of three, I so appreciate the practical way that Jackie breaks these topics down.

And this show has been so helpful. Another mama of three said, Jackie's voice has encouraged me to parent my three daughters in new and healthy ways. I'm feeling more confident, relaxed in my mama role. Thank you for your wisdom and insights.

Pretty please have more episodes. You guys, I have like 15 or 16 in queue right now. I'm pretty sure we're going to be back to two times a week because I just can't turn away these guests. We have so many amazing resources to share with you.

So between the podcast and the roundtable, we're going to do it. I'm so excited to have you here. Thank you so much for listening in. Let's get into my quick conversation with Ms. Nellie Harden.

When you, the parent, feel confident, when you don't feel the need to rescue your kids and you aren't losing your cool and yelling all the time, your kids' behavior improves and your kids trust you. They trust that no matter what they're going through, you are going to help them get through it. No Problem Parenting supports and teaches parents how to be the best leader and advocate for your child. If you feel like no matter how nice you are or how strict you are, your kiddos are still struggling, it's time to get off the struggle bus and become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Join me on this journey of behavioral strategies and resources so that you can feel empowered as a parent again and turn your everyday parenting problems into no problem.

All right. Welcome back, Nellie Harden. I'm super excited to have you back on the show. Oh, thank you so much. It's great to be here.

So Nellie has been on the podcast before, and she's also one of the authors in our first ever no problem parenting book, Raising Your Kiddos With More Confidence and Less Fear. You can find Nellie starting on page 84 of the book. And actually, before we get into our topic today, Nellie, I'm just going to ask you to read a little bit of your chapter so it gives parents an idea of what you're speaking about. And your chapter is called What Every Teen Needs and How You Can Give It to Them.

Yeah, absolutely. And I talked about the five needs that your kid has, your child has right now that a lot of people don't necessarily understand or realize and how to fill those and how it, oh my goodness, it puts away so many of the surface conflicts that we have when you fix the deeper needs. And so I start on page 87. I'll just start at the top of the page.

It says, we as parents have what I call the inevitable impacts on much of what is to come in our children's lives, which is undoubtedly both exciting and terrifying. But I believe in the family. I work in this corner of humanity because I believe the best way to change the world is through one living room at a time. Futures are being planted there and almost everything, and I mean everything, you do as an adult has roots back to your 65, 70.

That's how many days are in the first 18 years of your life. That is how many days you have within the parenthood childhood dynamic. The reflex behaviors, the first thoughts, and the words that slip out never to be able to be put back in, you are either working because of your 65-70 or in spite of it. So now to be clear, we will always, always be parents.

That badge is as good as tattooed on our foreheads, but the vital role we play in cultivating our children during the 65-70 looks different and demands a unique set of skills. So the five elements of growing, like sun, water, nutrients, space, and air, are bottom line essential for every farmer and for every growing process to be successful. But the diversity of how this happens is as unique as every farmer itself, and the same is for parenting.

And so I love that passage because we're talking about our role as parents and what we're doing. And we really do have this very unique impact that can never be rewritten, that can never be redone. And every day is a day of that 65, 70, but also within that every experience is as unique as the farmer and the plant that's being planted. So, which I have four daughters that are all teenagers right now, and they are all extremely unique and different and how we parent them and relate to each one of them has to be as unique to them as well. As a parent, we are commissioned, if you will, to build a foundation for them for the rest of their life. That's that inevitable impacts that we have are all a part of that foundation. And those impacts happen whether you're there or not, want to or not, good at it or not, or maybe you're super awesome at it or not. But they all happen. So if you know they happen, then you can set yourself up better for success in that. And in this foundation,

it is built out of worth and esteem and confidence. And that bottom layer right there, the worth piece is where these five needs are nestled in there. And so within this, this worth, the five needs are to be seen, right? Your kids need to know that they're seen, they exist.

There's some great examples in the book and that I go through in my, in my coaching and teaching too, uh, about kids that are going through either temporary, you know, games of not being seen. And it's funny for about 30 seconds and then it's really not funny. Right. And, um, in the same way, they also need to be heard.

They need to know that their thoughts matter, their ideas matter, that they are worthy to be heard by other people. And so this age old idea of, you know, kids are to be seen and not heard. Right. And they don't even mean seen. They just mean I can see with my eyeballs. Right. It really doesn't work effectively, especially for the demands of what a person needs to be built of today in order to be successful out in the world.

And I don't mean success as in, you know, white collar corner office CEO success. I just mean that they have a dream. They have a desire and they know the way to accomplish it and get to the other side of it. That's what success is for a person.

And you want to be able to see your kids succeed in that way. So to be seen and to be heard and then to be loved, right? Love is essential. And when you find kids that never feel like they're loved, you also find trouble.

100% of the time, you also find trouble within them. And then to belong is another one. That's the fourth one right there. And they need to know that somewhere in this great big world that they belong somewhere.

And I hope and pray that that first place they belong is in your home. And then you can teach them how to discern where else they can belong in this world. But without that grounding force of actually belonging in your home and because they are, you know, seen, heard and loved and all of those things and, and the roles that they play in your home without that, it can get really messy out in the world when they're chasing places to belong to.

Right. And so then the fifth one is purpose. And so that is where you really want them to be able to look beyond today, look beyond their immediate wants, their immediate desires and see, I am working toward that. I am looking forward to that. Whatever it is, it could be, it could be a vacation. It could be a, you know, end of a semester that they're working now.

It could be college. It could be a work, whatever that is, just something in the future, you know, the cart or the carrot hanging in front of the horse, something in the future to look forward to. But I challenge you to think about any of the issues that you're seeing in teens and tweens today, really second half of childhood, eight to 17, right? After 18, they're legally an adult. Are they mentally an adult? Are they maturely an adult?

maybe, maybe not. That's the goal as parents. One of my friend's daughters just turned 18 yesterday and she's like, she's an adult now. And I was like, well, legally. And so you send that.

And so if you think about it like a triangle, you're on the bottom. On one side, you have the chronological timeline of childhood, right? That 65, 70, 6,570 days. On the other side, you have your actual person raising, right? To become a person that can lead their own lives as an adult.

And you hope that they meet right at that 65, 70. A lot of times they don't, there might be a shift here or there, but you don't want to miss the mark completely. And that's what this planning is for. And I was just listening to Oprah the other day say, you know, someone was interviewing her and And they said, you have interviewed every successful person in the world, which isn't true, but she has interviewed many, many, many.

And they asked her, what is the one thing that all of these people had in common? And she said, they knew where they were going. And I just resonated so much with that, with my own family, raising my daughters and the work that I do. You have to know where you're trying to go.

And then those two places can meet at the end. That totally fits with the no problem parenting model. I really love how your mission fits in with the, I say, prepare for the worst and the change the conversation. So you're helping parents build that foundation.

That is the seek first to understand. I guess it's all in there, Nellie. So one of the things that you have that helps parents kind of navigate through this and to figure out that foundation is a program called the Daughter Decoder. Can you tell us more about that?

Yeah. And this is a completely complimentary parent masterclass that anyone can go on for their daughters. And it's for parents raising daughters in the second half of childhood or close. And, you know, it's really easy for someone to be like, oh, I don't have teenagers. Mine is 11, mine is 10. Oh, you do, right?

Because second half of childhood, it requires a different skill set of parenting, a different mental set, a different thought set of parenting than the first half did. I call it the great transition that happens in the middle of childhood. And again, every kid is different. Every family is different.

So it shifts slightly, but it's right about there, eight, nine, 10. So, but for the daughter decoder, I mentioned that foundation that we want to build of, you know, worth, esteem, and confidence. but it has to be built in the right place because, I mean, just think about it. If you walk up to, you know, I love to use the illustration of a soccer ball as a mom or a dad, you walk up to this soccer field, professional size, huge, right? And there are 100 soccer balls along the side.

And then you are trying to get them all to the other side versus having one, one that you can focus on. That's a little bit bigger that you're getting to the other side in time, right? We're on a clock here, guys. It is 65, 70. We're on a clock. And so which one would be more successful?

And of course it's the one, right? It's the one moving that to the other side. You can focus all your energy on here. And that's the foundation that we want to build. But you're like, but it's, it's everywhere. It's, it's over in faith and I need to help them with friends and I need to help them with their studies and I need to help them here. If you build this one foundation, it helps with them all. And you have to put it right in the center of the intersection of their biology and their psychology and their faith and their culture. And if you can set that foundation right in the middle there with a perspective, looking over all of them, and they are strong in all four of those, then you have some success that is going to happen and fruit that's going to come from that foundation that you've been able to build for them. And they can stand on it,

launch from it, lean on it when they need to, and they'll have something that they can use for the rest of their lives. And you're talking about the foundation of worth and esteem and confidence, right? Yep. I call it the WEC foundation. Yep. Yep, absolutely. And so it's, and you need certain tools in order to do that. And there's four very distinct tools that you need in order to build this, which is what I teach in my, my take the lead, which is my coaching program. And that is, you need vision, right? You need to be able to see from the inside, see what's really going on.

You need to have discipline. We want to discipline them in a way that they learn how to discipline themselves. It's like, wow, so many, you know, so many people, including myself grew up with discipline. I would, if someone would have asked me, it's like spanking, yelling timeouts, you consequences, right? But we want to discipline them in a way that teaches them to discipline themselves. It is so healthy, so much healthier. And not to say that consequences won't be a part of the story because they definitely will. If anyone knows, we're using kids and teens and preteens, but there's vision and discipline, and then there's vulnerability and there's resilience.

And those are the tools to build the foundation in this place. And the daughter decoder is kind of a first step toward understanding how this road and how this map in order to build that starts to take formation and why you need each one of these parts along the way. Well, I love the daughter decoder because you're actually going to help the parent learn exactly where they're at in their journey. I love that you offer this complimentary. So like parents get a chance to just take a look at this and say, Hey, where is my relationship at with my daughter?

where is the foundation at? Yeah, absolutely. And that's the thing you need to know. I mean, just picture it like a road trip, right? You need to know where you are and you need to know where you're going, right? And then you have to figure out the road to get there because I live on the East coast. If I'm trying to get over to the West coast, there are a million ways I can get there, but what is the best way for me? It might not be the most direct. It might not be the least direct way, but there's going to be a way that I have of places I need to stop in order to learn along the way that's best for me. Right. And so where you are, where you're going, how you're going to get there, and then you need the actual desire to go, which is something that's really easily forgotten about and assumed that our kids are going to have a desire to go, but they're really, really,

really distracted today. They, the demands on them are really heavy. And so it's easy for them to live at the surface because it's keeping them super busy. But are they actually growing as a person in all of those areas? No, many times not. And so you have to help them with the desire to go and see what they could be doing and learning and growing into. And then lastly, you need to help them have the strength to go, which is where that resilience piece comes in. Because you can know where you are, know where you're going, want to go as much as you can. But if you don't have the strength to make it, you don't go right. You're going to get stuck somewhere. And so, um, that's all a part of, uh, the path that's walked through in daughter decoder.

Well, so let's talk a little bit about that too, then how your kiddo has to be willing to be on board. Um, oftentimes if we're getting the stiff arm, if we're getting the, you know, slamming the door in their room or just isolating or, you know, taking off and wanting to hang with their friends and they don't want to have a conversation with us. What's some advice you can give parents about how you can even get your daughter to listen to you and not just hear you?

Yeah, yeah, 100%. And with Take the Lead too, we have so many different people and families that are on there. Some of them, because there's parent portions and there's daughter portions. And sometimes it takes a little while for those daughter portions to get watched and that's okay.

And in the whole vision piece, especially, and then in discipline, we really talk about how to envelop that and bring them in. But one of them is I'll just talk about last night, every Tuesday and Thursday in my house. And it's something that we highly recommend to not necessarily on those days, but we have one-on-one time with our kids. And so it just becomes habit.

It becomes normalized for, for a parent and that child to have one-on-one time and not every week is like, okay, let's sit and talk about your deepest, darkest secrets and what you want to do with your life, right? It's not that it's, hey, what's going on? What happened with that friend of yours? Oh, you need help studying? Let me help you study. Oh, let's, you know, play with your guinea pigs, or let's go for a walk, or let's do these things. But the more you can normalize that one on one connection with each of the parents, then when something does come up, it's not going to be this really weird. Why is my mom just talking to me? I'm in my room, right?

We're not in the kitchen. And she's saying more than how a school and I have to respond with more than fine. I don't know what to do. And so the more we can normalize that time with them, that's honestly one of the biggest benefits that you can, you can have in communication connection with your kids. How does a parent, if they have not done that one-on-one time or made it like that sacred time that you do every week. How did they introduce that? Well, their daughter to be on board and buy in. Yeah. And so I would say we've been doing it. So my daughters are 17, 15, 15, and 13 right now. And we've been doing it this way for a couple of years. And before that, we would do like Saturday dates two on one, but then my kids got way too expensive, honestly.

I was just going to say, I was like, your room looks real good and cheap. And so anyway, we started this a couple of years ago. And so my oldest daughter was 15 at the time and she was like, okay, so you're coming in. And it was just, we approached it, not like we want to talk to you and we need to, you know, connect with you.

It's just, we approached it in a way that you're really an awesome person. And I just want to be around you even more. And I want to learn about the things that excite you. And so we're just going to on Tuesdays and Thursdays from nine to nine 30, we're going to be having one-on-one time.

And, uh, again, I have four kids, so, uh, my husband and I switch every week. So, uh, I was with my 17 year old last night. Next week, she'll be with her dad the next week. It'll be with me.

So we switch it that way and you can do it, whatever you want. I was helping someone with three kids the other day, figure it out. And they each had a parent go to one room, um, for the first half hour. And then both the parents came to the younger one's room for the second half hour.

And she goes, that's how we're doing it for now. And that's good. I was like, that sounds perfect. But let me tell you within that one thing, one time, their daughter, they have a daughter that's 13.

She was very resistant to this. She thought it was weird. She didn't want mom or dad in the room. And they were like, no, we just want to get to know you more.

And I want to learn more about you and what you're, you know, who your friends are, what your friend groups are and all these things, what you're studying. And so they go in her room and after just 30 minutes, one time that mom, she wrote me and said, there is someone that's been picking on her for months and I had no idea. And it has really, really taken away her self-esteem. And she's really struggling with a class that I had no idea because her grade isn't that bad, but she's really struggling to get it.

And then she's really comparing herself to the other students that don't seem to be trying as hard. And she was like, I can't believe it, Nellie, one 30 minute time. And all of this came out. I can't wait to see what happens next week because now they can know that something is happening and guide her through it.

That's what this entire second half of childhood is. It is a training zone for adulthood. And if they're going through it, and then if your child is going through it in an isolated fashion, fashion, then they're not going to be able to train. They're not going to know what to do.

They're just going to be suffering in isolation. And this daughter decoder class is amazing. I think that's a great first step for people. And then a next step would be to go through your program.

Take the lead. Yep. It's all about parents taking the lead in order to teach their children how to take the lead of their own lives before they leave home. Yeah, so great. And so I encourage everybody to check out your link. I have it in the show notes. You also have a YouTube channel. Do you want to tell us about that?

Yeah, absolutely. So I have a podcast. All of those are uploaded on there too. Once a week, I come with a video. Every Wednesday, it drops, and we're talking about the things that are real, right? And just like I was talking about with that mom and daughter, we can't, as parents, just kind of glaze through the second half of parenthood and just hope that they get out of the house, they survive, and everything is good.

we're building people here. I call parents architects because we're planning, designing, and building the beginning of someone else's life, which is a really big deal. And in order to do that, it gets messy and it gets hard. Sometimes parenting is the hardest job there is out there because you are raising another human. And so in our YouTube channel and you can find it under Nellie Harden and it's the 6570 show. But in there, we talk about real topics, what you can do, how you can help your child show love to others, right?

Which is a real sticking point for a lot of kids. How you can build this foundation that we're talking about, where it should be. I get into detail about that too. How to build self-esteem, how to combat comparison, what the biggest antidote to comparison is.

All of that you can find on there. It's such good stuff. Parents highly recommend it. So go check out nellyharden.com for all the details.

thanks so much for coming on the show again with me Nellie oh thank you so much for having me this is awesome always a pleasure to talk to you all right parents thanks for listening in today and hey real quick before we go are you ready to become a no problem parent there are three ways that you can get started choose the best fit for your learning style your schedule and your budget option one for the do-it-yourself parents purchase the becoming a no problem parenting on-demand program. In just a few simple modules, I'm going to lay out for you the foundations for solving behavior issues in your family and with your kiddos. You can literally transform your child's behavior after watching just the first lesson. Binge watch the videos in just an hour and a half or complete the program lesson by lesson in four weeks. This program comes with a personalized strategy session with me and a downloadable workbook. Option two for parents who like to learn live from the comfort of your home,

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