Raising a Child with Mental Health Illness while Managing Your Own Diagnosis; with Special Guest George Brooks

Hey, hey, welcome back No Problem Parents. For those of you that did not catch my Facebook Live from last night, I have an announcement, a celebration. We have done it. We hit top 3% globally of podcasts.

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Today's sponsor is the Speak Feed Lead Project with founder Jackie Bailey. They're providing classes that empower kids, teens, and adults to be confident, effective public speakers. transforming individuals to speak with power to feed in word and lead with positive influence jackie bailey is also one of the authors of our compilation book no problem parenting raising your kiddos with more confidence and less fear stop violence hatred drug use disrespect for life and incivility we don't need more regulation but education violence won't be silenced until we implement empowerment children won't stop hurting themselves and others until they see how much they can help themselves and others help these kiddos become confident in who they are and know that they do make a difference. Thank you, Jackie Bailey and the Speak Feed Lead Project. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Fineman.

Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling? Whether you are at your wit's end or you want to have more fun as a parent, you're definitely in the right place. Now here's your host, Jackie Fineman.

All right, let's welcome my special guest today. Meet George Brooks. George has been living with mental illness since the age of seven. He endured abuse, childhood obesity, many health issues growing up, including addiction. And he's also raising a son with mental illness. George is involved in several business ventures and is a mental health advocate, CEO, life coach, speaker, writer, and producer. And he lives the challenges each day, counts the strength and wisdom he's gained from his journey as a blessing. He hopes to share his experience and inspire others through his company, Metta Association. Metta Association is a grassroots organization and their bottom line is Fundamental Health, the psychological well-being of the communities we serve. So welcome to the show, George. Thank you. Thank you. I am so excited to get into as much as we can today.

Have a little bit of a cold, so we'll get through it. But I just want to really start with George, why are you doing what you're doing today? Just tell us a little bit about your journey. Well, throughout my journey, I experienced, as you stated, quite a bit.

And I found that while I was embarking upon my recovery and my life in general, that there were not a lot of resources or people that could really empathize or identify with what I was going through. And I created MedAssociation as a way to reach out to those people to make sure that their needs are addressed and spoken to in a way that's going to be beneficial to them. I'm also trying to work with several municipalities as far as doing things policy-wise that will improve the lives of those people, especially Black men, because we are sort of left out in terms of the discussion on mental health.

So I feel as though by addressing Black mental health and Black male mental health, we can better ingratiate ourselves with the rest of society and improve society as a whole. So that's why I really started META, just to improve the lives of those living with mental illness in any way that I can. Well, that's awesome. And I applaud you for that. And I think you're absolutely right. It can be tough enough for dads in general.

And then being a black man, you have your that comes with this own set of struggles. And so I just really applaud you for doing this and being an advocate for other black men, dads that aren't getting the attention and the resources that they're deserved. And a lot of reason why I'm doing what I'm doing, too, is to help mothers out. I feel as though if if we are better fathers, if we're better men, if we're better citizens, that that helps with, you know, kind of closing the chasm between men and women, especially in situations where you have divorce.

because, you know, my parents, even though they were divorced, you know, they never disrespected each other to us, but they didn't have anything to do with each other. My wedding, my parents wouldn't get in the same picture together. And I decided I didn't want that for my son, despite what happened between me and his mother. So that's why I'm such a strong advocate for fatherhood, because I think it makes us better co-parents. That's awesome. And actually in January, we're going to air this episode in January. January is National Child Center Divorce Month. And so I'm going to have some links in here too for parents to get some resources through Rosalind Sadaka is the founder of the National Child Center Divorce Month and making sure that the kids are at the center of the divorce. And we're paying attention to that and doing our best to co-parent. So I love that you're also an advocate for that. I appreciate that very much. So So let's go into your story just a little bit about when you realized that you had a mental health diagnosis.

Tell us a little bit about your story. I noticed about age seven that I would get overly upset or overly emotional about things where my peers and other people wouldn't. And I thought that was strange, even at that young age. I know people are like, well, how can you be self-aware at seven?

But that's something that I noticed because it was prevalent. And my parents noticed it and they got and I developed the eating addiction as a way to deal with my mental illness, even at that young age. So it started a journey of my my adolescence of dealing with different psychiatrists, dealing with the adolescent psychiatric system is a whole other thing. But they didn't diagnose kids a lot. It was pretty much just depression or ADHD.

and I went on a regimen of medications, different doctors, mostly antidepressants, and was diagnosed as bipolar at about age 25. And at that point, I had been married, I was a young adult, and it started another journey because when you hear that you're bipolar, you do everything to find out what that means. And for a long time, I was obsessed with my mental illness to the point where I thought that defined me. And that was part of my trauma.

And when I really started upon recovery, I had to understand that's not all of who I am. That's part of who I am. But it's not the totality of me. And I decided to use that part of myself to try to help other people, to try to enlighten people, destigmatize, decriminalize mental illness and give people the hope that they can live a normal life, not a normal life, but a good life. Because normally- What is a normal life, right?

Yeah, normal is subjective, but I mean the sort of Norman Rockwell vision of life that we're supposed to have. You can have that, but it's going to come with certain things that you're going to have to do to manage your mental illness. Because part of having a mental illness is dealing with accountability. Now, of course, there's some diagnosis where that may be difficult, but like with mood disorders and things like that, you have to be accountable.

And that's one thing that I was lacking for a long time. That was part of me letting my mental illness rule me was that, okay, everything is a mental illness. No, a lot of it was me too. And once I came to terms with that and addressed it, I noticed it became a lot more manageable.

it became a lot clearer to see of where I needed to go. And that really helped me on my path to recovery, not just from addiction, but from mental health issues and health issues also. So I got to a point where I said, you know, I think I need to try to help other people. Yeah, I love that. I like that you say that too, that it's like, okay, so it's one thing, you know, you're different at seven years old already, you know, that there's something different. You're getting more emotional over, over things than maybe other kids your age. It's, and, and so you're realizing that you're quote unquote different. And then it takes you years.

I mean, like you say, they're treating you for depression because now I think we're diagnosing bipolar at younger ages, but even in my 20 years as a family counselor, they weren't diagnosing kids under 15, even, uh, they would call it a generalized mood, something or another, right? There was always a, or, or treat for anxiety and depression and try to figure out medications that would help address both. But I do like that.

You say one, once you do get that diagnosis, it's a bit of a relief. And then I think sometimes we feel like there is a little bit of an excuse there that we can blame. I think that's what you're kind of getting at, right? Like we can say, well, that's my mood disorder.

That's my bipolar that it's like, well, yeah, there's some truth, a lot of truth to that. And there's still accountability. And so you just have to work different on yourself to make sure that you're taking care of yourself, not just excusing all your behaviors. I think a lot of people that deal with mental illnesses, they don't.

It's kind of hard to figure out where you end and where your mental illness begins. I like that. So it's it's it's really a journey that you have to go through. And it takes a lot of self introspection.

It takes a lot of whatever your belief, prayer or moments of silence to really get to that, because the hardest thing that I went through, and I don't know if this is indicative of everyone else's experience, but I had to be alone and look at myself and strip myself down to the bare nothing and rebuild myself up in order to recover because the foundation was rotten. And I had to go and start anew. And I think that's a good process for most people.

not just men, but everyone to go through. And I try to facilitate that through my advocacy work. And like you said, mental health, mental health care is constantly changing. It's constantly evolving. Being bipolar under age 18 or 15, you're not going to get the same treatment.

So you're kind of, I don't want to say doomed, but you kind of relegated to a certain level of care because it's not addressed. It's not seen as, well, you're too young to be this. And now that's changing. And I'm happy about that. My son was diagnosed with bipolar about eight, seven.

And, you know, for various reasons, he didn't get treatment due to custodial interference, I'll be honest. But now that he is in treatment and has been in treatment for the past couple years, he's truly been able to flourish. And that's something that's taken time. so the thing about mental illness is that we can't let it define us to the point where we don't function where we don't try to heal and I've just chosen to do a little bit differently just try to help other people because I know what that feeling is like I know what that hopelessness is like I know what it's like being a dad with a mental illness and not just a stigma of being a dad a lot of times but being a dad with a mental illness a lot of times you're going to get questioned and and I try to try I'm working to try to to to end that because I see the damage it causes um it causes damage especially with the children and and not having fathers there be as whole as they could be and not supporting motherhood so that's what I endeavor to do every day yeah this is so great and and would you say that when did you just say you kind of had to strip everything down and you had to like really take a look at who are you when my wife and I separated in August of 2017 that's really when I was at my lowest point I was addicted I was near death physically my mental health had been neglected going through custody battles going through

poverty all that and I had to make a choice either I was going to sink or swim live or die and I endeavored upon recovery so they meant just spending like a month by myself in the house just thinking, trying to do little things again, started doing chores, building myself up. Things that seem pretty rudimentary, but they were integral to my survival. And I really addressed my mental health. I thought about my life and things that I had done, accepted accountability for things that I had done, but also came to the realization of what I needed to do to sustain my mental health. Yeah. And I think that's so key too, because when you're willing, when you're ready, when you're like, okay, I'm all in, I'm going to do this, that healing can begin. But I think oftentimes too, like you talk about those, like the young kids and teenagers, when it's parent directed, or it's like, okay, you're going to therapy now because we know, you know, we've got these behaviors or these, these things that have to change. If a, if a kid is in a position to, and all they're feeling like is I'm different, there's something wrong with me, I'm bad, you know,

it's harder for them to heal, right. Or for them to even make the steps to change or to do things differently because they feel, they feel bad. They feel like there's something wrong with them, but then it can take years before they finally realize, wait, this is in my control. Not everything's in my control, but my willingness, I have to be willing to take a look at this stuff to make some change.

Right. And I think sometimes that doesn't happen until we're older. Yeah, it happened. Well, the thing about it is, I think what I hope to change is that when we say the term mental health, we neglect the health aspect because I'm also a diabetic and a heart failure patient and I have to manage those conditions.

so once I I transposed that that philosophy onto my mental health in terms of I have to manage it I have to be involved in therapy I have to take care of taking my meds I have to make sure I do self-care it became a lot simpler not easier but simpler to address it and so that's the thing that I hope to change in society is that we look at we we say mental health all the time but we don't think of it as a health condition. We think of it as some people think of it as a character flaw, to be honest with you. And, and once we kind of can absolve ourselves of that way of thinking, then we'll really see some improvement and progress. Yeah. I love, I love that. This is good.

What does having sound mental health look like to you? Cause you've had years of this now and you've been in therapy and you've done, you've done a lot of work and we hit your rock bottom. how and you built yourself back up so how what does sound mental health look like to you to me it looks like being able to go through every day taking one moment at a time and making sure that i'm mentally healthy uh also making sure that if i do have a what i call a flare-up in terms of my mental health that i address it uh immediately i treat it like a like like a like a an emergency i have a good support system uh i've tried to develop healthier habits um and like i said you have to manage it like any other health condition it's not insurmountable but it does take work so what can you give us something like real concrete or tangible that when you're having a flare-up what does your mind do then or what do you what do you what do you go through i usually feel it coming on it's usually started with it usually starts with anxiety uh short period of that and then it goes to whether it's going to be manic or depressive. And it's a lot of agitation. It's a lot of physical discomfort. It's scary. It is.

Because a lot of times, I'll just throw it out there, say when I'm manic, you know, I can't control when that comes and when that does not come, even with the medication. So it may come at a point where I'm doing something really, really important, but I just have to manage it in terms of letting the people I care about and that care about me know what's going on so they can, you know, help me through it. And, and, you know, consulting my doctor, I call my therapist, if I have a flare up, the first thing I do is call my therapist and talk to him.

It's no different with if I have a high blood sugar, I have to take insulin to get it down. So I treat it the same way. But as far as like sound mental health is just being at a point where you can function being at a point where you have some clarity. Yeah, despite the mood swings, because I cycle quite a bit, but I'm still able to function. And I've actually run into people that have told me, you know, if you didn't tell me you had a mental illness, I would never have thought that. And that's the thing is so many of us out here, I don't want to say suffering, but living with mental illness and living with emotional issues that we all have to address it.

So that's something that really comes to mind. So on an average day, I might cycle all day, but I just, I just take a break. If I need to lay down, if I need to stop for the day, I stop for the day. I pay attention to my illness and I respect it.

That's so good. And I love that you're, there's this mental health stigma, right? And it's like, why? It is like you say, it's health. Like we have our physical health. If your blood sugar's going up, you know, you have to address that. You got to do something to get it down. If you're cycling and your, your, your moods, you're getting manic-y or you're going really low.

it's like oh wait okay pay attention I gotta do something about this I don't think there would be so much of a stigma if we would just recognize that and it's very matter of fact like it's this is just what it is right it's a lot easier said than done I know but well it depends you know it really depends on where you are emotionally if you if you have a mental illness it depends on how much research you've done, how much interaction you've had with your clinicians and with other people dealing with it. And just a matter of what it is that you want out of life, you have to do like everyone else and figure out what do I want my life to be and endeavor toward that with the mental health in mind. And if you do that, you can be successful. You just have to manage it. And I know a lot of people that I've encountered, they aren't accountable for their mental illness. They aren't, they spend so much time worrying about what other people think and the stigma and being afraid of it that you have to understand it to deal with it and understand what it means to you as an individual. So it's a very individualized thing, but, you know, that's part of why I started Metta Association to make those contacts and relay this message to people.

The stigma is a lot deeper and it's, in some ways it comes across as insidious because you're seen as being weak, is seen as not being real, is seen as you're faking. To a lot of people, not all now, but especially when I was coming up, that was the thing. If you mentioned that you had a mental illness, you were automatically seen as less than or somehow unintelligent or incompetent. That, of course, is not the case. But I found that a lot of times in the Black community, that same attitude is pervasive even in terms of physical health. You have many of us that don't go to the doctor like we should. They don't address chronic health issues. So if you're not addressing those physical issues that can be more apparent, of course, you're not going to address the mental health issues where you never had an understanding of it. And that's one thing about the pandemic. I think it's brought mental health to the light because people that did not have mental health issues were affected mentally because of the pandemic. So now it's more attention brought upon it in the sense that people are like, well, okay, I don't have any diagnosis. I don't have anything, but if it affected me like this, I can only wonder what it did to someone with an actual diagnosis or someone in more dire circumstances. And I think that's something that's becoming apparent in the Black community too. And we're having more of a dialogue, but we

have a long, long way to go. So I'm just doing my part to try to make that better. I think what COVID did is even people that maybe weren't like officially diagnosed, right? having to stay home and not be able to distract yourself from your own feelings and your own emotions and all that you were just like all stuck I think there was nothing else to do but to have to acknowledge it right and bring it out exactly what the pandemic did was that it forced us to deal with ourselves and deal with our families uh because we were all sort of isolated and hopefully you know I know it caused uh increase in domestic violence and things like that But I hope on the other side of the coin that it caused people to really look at themselves and look at their family lives and hopefully people were able to grow and improve from those circumstances so that we can have more dialogue about mental health and really address it.

Because like the pandemic, mental health doesn't discriminate. We were all affected by the pandemic. We were all affected by mental health. so you know if we can kind of bear that in mind and help each other as individuals I think that'll go a long way let's talk a little bit since we bring up pandemic that if people weren't using social media before the pandemic they definitely were during the pandemic because it was like one of our only ways of being able to communicate and you talk about maintaining proper mental hygiene and how do you relate that to social media and what can we do it's like your diet what you take in is what you get out and there's there's so much in terms of social media as far as scope if you choose to take in or patronize things that are negative things that are petty things that are not conducive to to something more positive that's what you're going to get out of it so I like one thing I did I changed my algorithm on YouTube a lot of things that I used to watch I don't I don't watch anymore because they aren't healthy They aren't there aren't something that I want around me because I know that at some point it's going to have a detrimental effect.

So we all have to be responsible with social media, not just in terms of how we use it, but what we take in. And also that has a direct reflection on what we put out. If you notice that your your posts are usually negative, then or you get certain flack for things that you post, you may want to look at what you're taking in and how you're coming across. and social media is like fire.

It can warm your house, but it can also burn it to the ground. So you have to be extra careful in what you do with it. Yeah, I love that. That's really good.

And one thing like at age seven, I learned how to put on a front. I mean, I've been doing it all my life. I just stopped doing it at a certain point. Of course, you know, sometimes, you know, you still have to, you still have to portray a certain image despite what's going on with you.

But a lot of times people with mental illness have to learn to lie and be manipulative. Why? because that's how we protect ourselves we're used to saying we're okay when we're really not okay because when you ask how somebody how they're doing how many times are you really interested i when i ask people i'll sit and talk to them i'm like oh i'm really interested but most people aren't so you learn to put on a front to survive you you learn to put on a front to avoid ridicule to avoid judgment to avoid uh insults to avoid uh all those things that come with the stigma of mental illness. So that's one thing, you know, and that's a negative association a lot of people with bipolar and mental illness have as far as being manipulative. It's not that you're being manipulative to hurt anyone. You're being manipulative to survive. You have to manipulate people to give yourself enough safe space to deal with your illness. So, and that's another facet that I want to delve into more, you know, in my advocacy work, because it's part of that stigma.

And I want to try to end that. And I'm all about that. I got to tell you, George, because no problem parenting doesn't, I'm not over here going, oh, no problem. You know, when people have problems, whether it's mental health related or not, it's not like it's no problem.

It's problems are meant to be dealt with and overcome. It's right in the definition of the word problem. And so I'm here saying, hey, let's seek first to understand why is my child or myself, why am I behaving the way I'm behaving? Get to the root of what's going on.

prepare for the worst and then change the conversations. And I love what you're doing with Metta Association because you're really helping to change that conversation around mental health. Let's get into that a little bit more. Tell us about Metta Association and what kinds of things you're offering. Right now, we're planning a, I'm doing a lot of public speaking to help spread awareness about mental illness. We're working on some programs with a couple schools here for co-parenting and dealing with mental illness and dealing with parents without mental illness issues because situations can affect our mental health.

Even if we don't have a chronic diagnosis, we can go through things in life that even if it's temporarily can really affect our mental health. So I want to try to bridge that gap between parents that aren't together and even improve those with parents that are together. So that's one thing that association is working on. We're also in talks to do several things as far as advocacy work. I'm getting involved in some things as far as policy in my hometown of Memphis, even though I live in Dallas. So we had so much going on and it's interesting coming out of the pandemic. A lot of nonprofits did not survive. A lot of businesses did not survive, but I'm blessed to say that we were able to make it through. So we're looking for collaborators.

We're looking for people with ideas that want to partner with us, that want to work in conjunction with us to help improve the state of those with mental illness. And especially from a parenting standpoint, I speak a lot about my experience as a parent. When my son was diagnosed as bipolar, I was terrified. And even now, I still worry because I know, I knew what he was going to go through.

and even today it still concerns me with him being 18 and really kind of getting out there on his own because I know all the signs and symptoms of him in particular right so when he calls me you know he don't call me dad he ain't called me dad since he was seven he calls me old man he's like old man I'm having one of those days I know I have to pay attention to that and not come to his rescue now that he's 18 but what I can do is I can say son remember what I taught you. You know, it is weird when they become 18, because in dealing with a child with mental illness, a lot of times, you know, they will lie. They will, they'll do all the things that I did coming up to survive. And a lot of times the police are involved. When they have a bad flare up, the police come out and that results in a lot of court issues sometimes. Not in every case,

but in mine it did. And not because he was a bad child, but he had such a hard time dealing with that illness where he would get manic, he would get agitated and fly off the handle. So I, you know, I had to tell him, you know, now that you're 18, those consequences change. So you have to really be more cognizant of how you react and how you treat your mental illness. You have to take it seriously. There's no difference in me and my blood pressure or anything else. So that's what's scary. And that's the thing that raising a child with mental illness that most people don't get is that it's different. Especially if you go through it too, because you know, that's something else they're going to go through. And you hurt for them so badly when they're in pain or they're depressed or they're going through something and it makes you overprotective. And that's good to a certain extent, but at some point you have to let go and trust what you reared them to do.

And that's so hard. It's really hard. I'm having a hard time with it now, you know, because it's my baby boy. Right. It always will be that. So, but I want to make sure that I can help him transition into manhood in a way, not only where he'll be mentally healthy and healthy all around, but be able to help other people just by being who he is. And it's hard because I know a lot of parents blame themselves for their child's mental illness. And a lot of it is genetic and environmental. And I don't think parents should blame themselves if their child has a diagnosed mental illness, but I think we do have a responsibility to create a healthy, as healthy a place for them to be raised as possible.

Now, that's the one thing that I feel like parents should do. Educate themselves about their child's mental illness. Educate themselves about their child. Spend time with your kid.

Get to know them. Do things with them so that you can better realize when they are going through something. Because the coping skills you give them now, that's what they're going to carry on into adulthood. So parenting a child with a mental illness and parenting in general is difficult, but I love it.

I love being a father. So I'm just trying to help other people be, be, be not necessarily better fathers, but more aware fathers. That's the cool thing. I love that more aware.

It's who, what's a good father. What's about, you know, like we know in general being a good parent, what that means. Right. But, but it's like really just getting, it's not all about teaching the lesson because the kids need to learn a lot of that themselves. That's when it'll stick when they have when they go through the things themselves it's not just remember what i said it's allowing them to oh it's so hard to when they when they fail to watch them go through that but it is gotta let them have that my son josh who's 18 he told me about when he was about age 10 he said you know the thing is you have to realize is that what you say old man it it carries a certain amount of weight, but it's what you do because I'm always watching what you do. So, and that really even brought the point home further with me in a sense that if I'm managing my mental health,

if I'm managing my life and managing myself in a better way, then my children are going to see that and emulate that. I can say whatever I want, or I could yell at them or chastise them or punish them and preach to them, but it's what you do. You know, if you tell your kid not to drink, But every day you come home cracking open a beer, what do you think they're going to do? So and that just doesn't go for fathers.

It goes for everyone. It's everyone. Yeah, absolutely. I wholeheartedly agree.

How can people reach out to you, George? I'm going to put the link for your website in the show notes of the podcast. You do have your speaking engagements that people can hire you to come and speak to their school. School, churches, anyone.

Okay. And what are some of the topics that you're speaking on? Mental illness, co-parenting, growing up as a youth with a mental illness, divorce trauma, addiction, recovery, related to mental illness, and self-improvement, I can speak upon. Just based on my experience and things I've been through, I even can speak on diabetes and diabetes education.

So, but the best way to reach me is at our website, which is Metta Association. M-E-T-T-A, association.org. And they can also reach our office at 901-631-4300.

And they can also email me at GBrooks at medassociation.org. So I answer all replies personally within about probably a couple hours. I spend a lot of my time getting back with people.

So if anyone wants to collaborate, find out more, have me come speak or anything, just reach me there. I'm so glad you're out there. And as a resource, people can also donate to your nonprofit, which helps you get the message out and get the resources out. Because I've been running this with no funding for the past four years out of pocket.

And we're going to the point where donations are important. I know people hate that part of it, but that's what not everybody. We need to say that different. We need to talk differently about that, because that's kind of you know, I know how it is.

zero one, one man show, one woman show, you know, putting the service out there. And we think, oh, we don't like to ask for money or we need to change that though. It's like, there are people who want to get behind causes and things like, like what you're doing right now today, George. So I, uh, I'm going to put a direct link to your donate button, definitely in the show notes, because this is so vital. And we, we need these, especially these young, not especially, but young men. Right. You know, it doesn't just start with you as a dad. It's what was your, what were your experiences as a young man and what were your opportunities and what were the things you were being judged for or, you know, targeted for whatever. We can change that,

not just by talking about it, but actually doing something about it. Once we change it, then we can start to have those real conversations that impact change. Because right now it's just like racism, we're still at a point where we're having those superficial conversations. We haven't even scratched the surface of really dealing with it. And it's the same with mental illness. And we just have to keep progressing because this is not something I'll see the kind of change I want in my lifetime, but I have to start it for future generations to continue that work. I just really appreciate all that you're doing. Thank you for reaching out. I encourage parents, I encourage you to go to medassociation.org. And I have, like I said, that link in the show notes for you.

Thank you so much for being with me today, George. And thank you for having me on. This has been great. Thank you.

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