Liar Liar Pants of Fire; How to respond to lying

Hey, welcome back No Problem Parents. Hey, today's episode I'm going to talk a little bit about lying and give you some ideas about what you can do and how you can communicate with your kids or respond to your kiddos when they're lying. We have launched and published our first ever compilation book, No Problem Parenting, Raising Your Kiddos With More Confidence and Less Fear. We have 21 authors plus myself offering a variety of resources, tips, tools, and support for you, the parent, so that you can become that confident leader that your kid craves you to be. You can find it on Amazon and there's a Kindle version as well. So all right, let's get on to the episode, which is all about lying. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Finneman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling, whether you are at your wits end or you want to have more fun as a parent,

you're definitely in the right place. Now here's your host, Jackie Finnaman. All right, we're going to talk about how to respond to our kids when they're lying. Do you have a kiddo that lies occasionally, kind of threw you for a curveball and lied and you're not used to them lying? Or maybe they're a chronic liar. Well, first of all, is there a difference between a white lie and a flat out lie? Absolutely. But either way, the hardest part of responding to a lie is to keep from losing your cool. It's okay to be angry when our kids lie, but unnecessary to have to yell at them kind of forcefully or demandingly or threatening, right? We don't need to be flying off the handle about a lie. We can be upset with our kids. Just so you know,

No problem parenting does not mean that you can't yell at your kids. Trust me, you can ask my own son. I've yelled plenty of times. It's how controlled you are when you're yelling and what you do if you do lose control.

How do you recover and how do you make it up to your kid afterwards? Usually when you fly off the handle at your kid, when they lie, you know what it ends up happening? It usually makes for a better future liar. When that's the response they get, the next time they know they're going to get in trouble for something, they will most likely lie. They're just going to try to get better at it. They don't want that response from you and they don't want to face the consequence. When kids learn that lying gets them in big trouble with their parents, they also learn that it's better not to get caught lying. Some kids are really good liars and some are just frankly not that good at it. If they know that lying to you is going to get them grounded or cause them to lose all the freedoms of things to do, they learn to become better liars, manipulators, and savvier schemers. So we need to find a different way. But let's talk about first of all, why do kids lie? Why do people lie, right? Well,

we've all lied at some point in our life, whether it's a little white lie to avoid some sort of unnecessary conflict with someone or to protect somebody from some unnecessary stress. Kids often lie to protect their self-esteem or to fit in with their peers, to save themselves from some embarrassment or to appear that they are less than or not good at something, right? They also lie to avoid having to do something they don't want to do or to get the focus off of themselves.

Sometimes kids actually believe that they did something when they really didn't. And so they may lie, but it's not really that they meant to lie. Sometimes they believe they didn't do something that they actually did. So sometimes lies are sort of on accident. It's up to us to determine, you know, what the truth is or if it's true or not. Kids also lie to hurt others' feelings.

Often they do that when they're upset or they want to get back at somebody because they've been hurt themselves. Now, sometimes these lies are no big deal. But most of the time, the lie causes mistrust and it puts a wedge in our relationship with our kids. And it creates anxiety not only in the liar, but the person that's being lied to.

And in this case, I'm going to say it's you, the parent, right? So when lying causes anxiety, anxiety in a lot of people often can lead to anger, right? Well, sadness or anger, but a lot of times we get angry because of the pressure that the lie or that that behavior might have caused. Now, when a child gets caught in a lie, most times those kiddos become anxious, even if it doesn't seem like they are.

Even if it doesn't seem like even if it seems like they are so darn confident in their lie and they just really believe it's the truth and they don't seem embarrassed or ashamed of it at all. oftentimes they're anxious and it's just how they cope with their anxiousness right some kids just are a little bit more savvy than others their anxiety or their nervousness at being caught can cause them to blame others and then create more lies in like a defensive kind of way same thing happens with us adults problem is when the adult is lied to we feel disrespected right and when we feel disrespected we become defensive and angry or hurt let's talk about an example of what I'm what I mean here let's I'm just going to use a simple example of how a child's lie could actually be caused by a parent's expectations now I'm not saying that lying is okay I just want you to think about this and get to the root of why your child may have felt it was easier to lie to you than to be honest with you okay so for instance if I know I'm the child if I know how important grades are to you, my upstanding, educated parents, my work hard, honest, you know, giving,

loving parents. And the last time I got a bad grade, there were significant consequences. And it also included an argument with a lecture about doing better and applying myself and disappointing you and all of that stuff. So I'm going to go back and I'm going to try harder because I didn't like the consequences of that situation the first time around.

The real big first time that when I got in trouble for having a bad grade. So I'm going to try harder and harder and harder and I'm going to study more and I'm really going to try to apply myself. And then I get an F on a test. Now, what am I going to do?

I already know how important grades are to my parents. The last time I got a bad grade, things didn't go so well. Now I worked harder, I tried harder, and I got an F on a test. I'm likely to do all I can to avoid telling my parents this time around even though I know how upset they were the first time parents say that to me all the time they're like I don't know why they keep lying to me they know each and every time what the consequences are going to be they're disrespecting me it's just you know I just don't understand why they would do it well ultimately even though my parents are going to find out I'm going to take as much time as I can to figure out what to do instead of having to tell them the truth I'm going to try to figure out what I can do to make it better, make it smoother, make it go away instead of having that conversation with them.

And isn't that sad? I'd rather spend my time worrying and planning and stressing and scheming to avoid having to tell my parents that I got an F on a paper. What message have my parents given me about grades? Whether they intentionally meant to do this or not. So for you parents listening out there, a lot of this might not be intentional, right? You're just trying to make a point. You're just trying to raise a good, honest kid, you know, an ethical kid. Sometimes it's unintentional. Our parenting is unintentional. But what message have my parents given me about grades? Getting good grades is more important than our relationship. That's the message in this situation that the kid is going to get. Getting good grades is more important than our relationship. Or in other words,

our relationship is dependent on how well I do in school. That's one of the factors, right? That's going to define our relationship is how well I do in school. I might be a kid that struggles in a particular subject. And even though, but I also might goof off. I also might be silly. I also might seem to not take things seriously. So there can be both. It can be both. I can struggle in school and be applying myself and also be silly, goofy, get in trouble in other ways.

But see, what happens oftentimes for parents is they see the bad grade and they go, oh, there you go. See, that's just this kid. They're not taking life seriously. They're not taking school seriously.

They're not, you know, listening to what I say. They're not following direction. And so we create, we're adding fuel to the problem when we think like that. So the kid or me in this situation might think, since I love my parents and I don't want my relationship with them to be strained. And I certainly don't want to get into any more trouble.

I'm going to keep the F I got on my paper a secret. Or maybe they think, um, I got a fun event coming up. And so I'm going to tell them later, I'm going to do my fun event. I'm going to do the outing, whatever it is that I'm supposed to do. And then I'm going to tell them later, or I know they're going to take away my technology. So I'm not going to tell them until after I finished gaming with my friends this weekend. Or maybe I'm just going to say, I hope they don't find out and I'm just going to let it go and almost like pretend that I didn't get the bad grade.

Okay. So ultimately though, what's going to happen? The parent's going to find out, right? At some point, the parent's going to find out, especially nowadays with all the apps to keep up with your kid's grades on school. So now what? Well, now my worst fears come true.

My parents are angry. They're hurt. They're sad. They're mad. They're frustrated. They're worried.

They're embarrassed. They're ashamed of me, not only for the F, but again, for the lying. So they tell me I should have told them. And then they maybe add on, you're lazy.

You just don't care about school. They tell me I'm not going to get into college because I'm getting Fs in math. Well, wait a minute. What?

Like, how did all this happen? In this case, the parents have set clear expectations that grades are more important to them than their relationship with their child. And that lying to them means starting over from the beginning to earn back their trust. Now, I, the child, I'm ashamed and frustrated.

And I'm likely to do one of four things. I'm either going to say, I'm sorry. What can I do to earn back your trust? I want to do everything I can to help around the house and I'll be respectful and I'll make it up to you and I promise I won't do it again.

And I'll get help and, you know, all those things, right? Because I'm going to feel really ashamed and I'm going to feel sorry. Or, number two, I might take the scolding and the consequences, but I get sneakier. I'm going to try harder not to get caught lying.

or I might cheat to get good grades because I know that as long as I get a better grade on that paper my parents don't really care if I'm retaining the information they just want to see the good grade so I might get sneakier so I don't either get caught or I can perform better even if it means cheating. A third thing a kid might do is get angry and just shut down so they don't have to feel the hurt and the shame at least outwardly. Maybe they're going to have this I don't care attitude and purposefully, some kids do this, they'll purposefully get bad grades and lie because they just feel like, you know what, I'm never going to be good enough for you anyway.

You're never going to understand me. Nothing works. I'm now, you know, a sophomore in high school and I've been having issues with school all along and nothing seems to work. So why do I care?

They'll throw in the towel. Or a fourth thing that kids might do is that they're going to shut down and isolate themselves from everyone. Now they're not even going to be interested in going out with friends, doing sports, hanging out with you guys as a family, joining you for dinners or birthday parties or holidays or things like that. And they might even take it to the next level, which is hurting themselves physically or using substances to distract themselves from the pain and the rejection that they feel. Now I've taken this example of school and some of you might be thinking, oh geez, you're kind of exaggerating that, aren't you Jackie? No, I'm not. Honest to God, I'm not. Because one of the things that I do with parents when they call me is I help parents get to the root issue of behavior problems, right? And a lot of times the root issue, it's not the behavior. It's not the bad grades. It's not the lying, the yelling, the stealing, the disrespect and all that. It's what is what's below that. We got to get down to the bottom of that. And even these tiny little examples of getting an F on a paper or getting poor grade on a subject again And again, that's exactly what this is.

Now, how many parents out there can relate to that? If every person listening today called me to say, hey, what would you do? This is my situation with my kid and their bad grades. I wouldn't probably have enough time to meet with all of you.

But oftentimes as parents, we think things have to get like super bad before we reach out. Or we think we need to send our kids right to therapy and get them a diagnosis because it's super complicated because it's been going on for years and years and years. My coaching helps you take a situation like this, and I help you figure out how to communicate with your kid, how to set up structure, consistency, nurture, boundaries, all that jazz, but really how to communicate and respond to your kid without putting too much emotion into it and injecting yourself and your own stuff into it.

So I teach you how to hold your kids accountable, but really understand them first and to do all of that without putting too much emotion into it. Right. Okay. So what do we do?

How do we best respond to a kiddo who lies? Well, the first thing I do is suggest getting to the root of why your kid felt the need to lie to you in the first place. And often that means asking them, what is going on? I just wonder why you felt like you needed to lie about this.

Were you afraid I'd get mad? Were you embarrassed by it? Are you scared? Were you angry?

What is going on? Now, again, if that seems like a weird conversation to have with your kid, reach out, give me a call because there's a reason why you're worried about being that honest with your kid and having that conversation. There's a reason why instead you just want to drop the hammer and put a consequence on them. And I can tell you if the consequences you're giving your kid right now for lying aren't working, if they're not working right now, they're not going to work the next time or the next time or the next time if you don't have a good relationship and ability to communicate with your kid. Okay. So the next thing I would do is after you figure out the root of why your kiddo felt the need to lie to you is use the make it right technique. If you've been listening to the podcast, you know, the make it right technique. It's my favorite technique of all. It's the a freebie that I offer you. You don't need to, you know, sign up for anything or buy anything.

The Make It Right Technique teaches your child how to make right what they did wrong and make it up to anyone involved that the lie would have harmed or caused a problem for. And then you just keep her moving. So you can listen to episode nine or episode 23 or listen to both for more on how to use the Make It Right Technique. Make sure you go to noproblemparents.com, sign up for the newsletter. You're going to get the free download of the technique. And that way you can kind of follow the steps and practice them. If you need more help or assistance, you can do one-off sessions with me, 30 minute, 60 minute sessions. You pay as you go. You say, this is the one problem I need to solve, Jackie. And how do we do that?

And they'll walk you through it. And I'll help you. I'll help you figure out the best way to use the technique with your kiddo. When a consequence is needed, usually there's a consequence for lying. There's some sort of consequence that's got to be attached to it, but it's not always a chore and it's not always taking technology away. You got to make sure the consequence fits the crime. So for instance, if a child's spending all their time on technology instead of doing their homework, then the consequence would be homework first, technology later. So if the child's behind on assignments, you'd say something like, I'm happy for you to have your electronics just as soon as your homework is caught up. And that's all you say.

Now the kid's going to throw a fit. I have way too much homework. I'm never going to be able to be on my electronics. I'm never going to be able to play my game. I have way too much homework to get caught up? Probably so. But then you can help them. You can develop kind of a supportive plan to help them get caught up. But here's what happens when the kid gets upset about the consequence.

We need to shut up. We need to just stop. It's okay if they get upset about the consequence. You don't have to still be mad. You can be understanding that, duh, they're upset. They got a consequence. It's going to be hard on them. But we don't need to still be bucky and hold our ground and be all crabby about it. We can say, I know this is really tough and it is a bummer and you're going to get through it and you don't have to continue to be mad as the parent you can still be disappointed you can be upset by it whatever but you don't have to like keep putting that back on the kid right now here's another thing you start taking things away whether it's technology or it's going to friend's house or it's doing whatever and that's going to cause the kid to be pretty upset right and depending on the child they're either going to get super angry or they're going to be crying a lot get super bummed out and then they'll start misbehaving even more. So simply taking the devices away aren't always the best course of action. Sometimes it causes more problems. And sometimes, especially if you're just doing it to get back at the kid,

that's a punishment. That's not a consequence. If you're doing something to just really make it sting because you think if the harder you make it on your kid, the less likely they're going to do it the next time, I'm here to tell you that's not usually the case. Again, usually they'll just get more sneaky and pull and withdraw from you even more so that they don't have to go through that again, it's not likely to create relationship and have your kid feel from the inside out the repercussions of their lying or their actions. Okay. So if you need help with that, again, reach out to me and we can have that conversation. Now it's obviously best to have a conversation with your kids about lying before your kids lie. So you can kind of talk about why it's important for you to have a trusting, open relationship, how scary it can be sometimes when a kid misbehaves or does something they shouldn't or lies and how scary that can be to come and tell you you understand that when it's even when it's hard you certainly want your kids you can say I might be caught off guard by it and I might get upset but I'm going to love you no matter what and I'm going to work it out and I'm going to work it through with you it's just much easier and much better for our relationship if you come clean to me right away even though it's hard and I coach kids on saying things like or I coach parents to coach their kids now but to say things

like mom and dad I have something to tell you it's going to be really hard for me you're probably going to get upset and I just hope that you can listen. I understand there's going to be a consequence for this. Can you imagine if your kid came to you and said that? It doesn't mean you're not going to get mad with whatever, you know, bomb they drop on you, but it is going to diffuse the situation just a little bit. So what happens is when you start using, when you start responding to your kids different about the lying, they do start to come to you ahead of time and say, oh, I did, cause we're, I mean, they're going to lie. They're going to lie. And I know how frustrating it is if you have a chronic liar. I work with families a lot who have chronic liars. And we can curb that. We can nip that in the bud and we can correct that. Okay. And I can teach you how to respond differently. But it does end up working so that they don't lie. And or if they do,

they're going to come to you ahead of time and they're going to out themselves. And they're going to say, hey, because they're going to see that they can make up for their mistakes, that they can make it right. The last thing I want to say is please do not ask your child. if you know your child lied do not ask your child if they did something when you already know they did nine times out of ten they're gonna lie even if you ask them did you steal the cookie from the cookie jar did you drink at that party you know without a shadow of a doubt that they did then please do not ask them because you're just setting them up to lie again it's a very natural thing for kids to lie even when they think you know that they lied. Okay, so please don't ask them. Don't set them up to lie again. Instead, let them know you know and then have a discussion about why they felt the need to lie and what you can do to prevent them from lying to you again. Okay, you're going to be surprised at the reasons that kids give and you're going to learn a lot more about how much your child trusts you, how they feel about themselves, and like how high or low their self-esteem and their self-confidence is. Because you see people who feel good about themselves and about their life don't feel the need to lie. Doesn't mean we don't ever lie, but they just really don't naturally feel a need to lie about things. So be curious. If you have a chronic liar,

get to the root of the issue rather than taking their lying personally and getting all emotional about it. Figure out how to help your child so they don't feel the need to lie, right? Be curious. Why would they lie?

And have a conversation when you're both in a microsecond of a good mood. All right. So if you need any help with that, reach out. There's always links.

You can just go to noproblemparents.com. You can email. You can call direct.

All the information is out there. I'd love to help you help your child through the issue of lying and get you guys back on track in this rollercoaster of a ride we call parenting. Thank you for tuning in to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be.

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