When Parenting is Too Much; A Mother’s Guide to Balance when adoption, mental illness, LGBTQ+ and Divorce Collide with Special Guest Author Deborah E. Clark

All right, you guys, I'm squeezing in this extra episode today. We had to do a little bit of finagling to make this happen. But my new friend, Deborah E. Clark, who is also going to be one of the authors of our second compilation book, her book is being published on January 24th tomorrow on Amazon for 99 cents.

And so we're doing this quick episode today to just get the word out to all of you, all of my listeners. Please go support Debra. And I'm going to tell you if you feel like your complex family challenges are bringing you, leading you to a place where you are just feeling absolutely desperate for help and support like no one else gets it. If you are parenting through what she calls, Deborah calls complex issues such as adoption, mental illness, disabilities, LGBTQ+, divorce and trauma, this book is a must read and I was honored to be able to write the foreword for her book.

So in the show notes of today's episode, you're going to find links to purchase the book for no matter where you are listening throughout the world. I just highly recommend and encourage you go do this. Support this mama who has really dealt with and overcome some significant challenges in her life, in her journey as a mama. I am telling you parents, when I say that we can turn any problem into a no problem, we can deal with and overcome the challenges in our home.

I truly mean it. I don't say this lightly. Problems are meant to be overcome. And Ms.

Deborah E. Clark is one example of how even when you feel like you can't possibly endure, you can get through those really challenging, tough days and times. So listen in and please help me support Deborah and the launch of her new book, When Parenting is Too Much, A Mother's Guide to Balance When Adoption, Mental Illness, LGBTQ+, and Divorce Collide. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast.

Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Fineman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling? Whether you are at your wit's end or you want to have more fun as a parent, you're definitely in the right place.

Now here's your host, Jackie Fineman. Welcome back, No Problem Parents. Today's episode is all about when parenting is too much. And I have a very special guest on with me today.

I'm going to try to not get choked up as I talk to you, Deborah, but because you are literally a lifesaver, have been, I've been able to share your story and some situations in your life and how you've overcome, dealt with and overcome some pretty significant challenges in your home life with some of my clients. And so I'm very excited to have you on today. Before we get into all of that, I'm going to give a little bit of background on you and introduce you to my listeners.

Parents, meet Debra Clark. Debra was a single parent with a sabotaging ex-husband. She raised their two adopted daughters with mental illnesses, learning disabilities, and identified as different LGBTQ. Deborah suffered four major depressions. She lost two executive jobs and went on disability several times while managing a suicidal child. Yet today, she is happily living a healthy and fulfilled retirement.

Your unique experience of raising two adopted children with health challenges has really made you who you are today, which is number one, a formidable speaker on the subject of complex parenting and also a published author, which we are happy to promote and share and sing your praises to the world today and announce the publication of your first book, which is happening on January 24th. 24th. This episode is airing the day before so that we make sure that people get a heads up and they get to your links, which we will have in the show notes. I'm just so excited to have you here today. Welcome to the show, Debra. Thank you so much, Jackie. You talk about getting somebody choked up. You got me all choked up with that intro. So thank you. Oh, well, I, I read your book and I didn't want to put it down. I got a sneak peek of your book because you actually asked me if I would write the foreword for your book.

And I was like, what, really me? We can do another whole episode on how terrific you are. So, oh my gosh. Okay, I'm going to receive that.

My coaches would say, Jackie, receive that. So I am going to receive that. You heard about No Problem Parenting and kind of looked into it. And we got connected through another like parenting group.

And you just said, hey, I got to reach out and I got to connect with this lady. And, and when I met you, I just went, oh my gosh, I need to connect you with so many of the families that I've worked with because my specialty is in attachment, attachment issues, you know, and how that, how that affects mental health and how that affects the parent-child relationship. I read your book and I thought, oh, gosh, when am I going to have time to read this book?

And what an honor to write a forward. But how am I going to fit this into my schedule? This was, I think, last fall and we were just launching my first, you know, I had just launched my first book. And how am I going to fit this in? And you really needed to get my forward, you know, in a short period of time.

And so I thought, oh, geez. And plus, I was reading it on a PDF, not in an actual book format, which I prefer. and so I thought I'm going to start on on Saturday I think I said I'm going to start on Saturday and read a few chapters I did not want to put the book down and I had to actually go to an event I could not wait to pick it back up again on Sunday and I finished it in just those two days it is it is heart-wrenching and hopeful at the same time and I just absolutely loved everything about it. So let's get into the book. The book is called When Parenting is Too Much. It's a mother's guide to balance when adoption, mental illness, LGBTQ plus, and divorce collide. Tell us a little bit, home man, a little bit about the inspiration for this book and why you really felt like you needed to put it out to the world. Thanks, Jackie. I've been wanting to do it for quite a long time. I just haven't had the capacity to both physically, mentally, emotionally,

spiritually, specifically, while the kids were still being raised, it was, you know, 200% of my time. And then, of course, with with jobs and those types of things. So I did kind of make a vow to myself that I would do it in my retirement. And that's exactly what I've done. So I retired.

now it's been right at the beginning of COVID. So it's been almost three years. And it's been in the making since then. My kids are now 25 and 26 years old. And I thought it was it was time I'm remarried. I'm now living the life that I really, really, truly appreciate, you know, the blessings that I have. So I've learned an awful lot. You know, I tell people that I, I've got a PhD from the School of Hard Knocks, and probably this, you know, the scars to prove it. But there's been a lot of heartbreaks, there's been a lot of stress, there's been a lot of emotions. And there's been a lot of times where I didn't know whether number one, my my youngest daughter was going to survive.

There were plenty of nights where I sat at the end of her bed because I was afraid to leave her alone, waiting for medical help to help me. And there were other times where I just had to keep getting myself out of funks of major depression and keep myself going for their sake. So there was a that's that's what's really inspired me because I've I've really done an awful lot of self-help, a lot of self-development. And so, you know, I'm feeling pretty good about things. And I finally do kind of love myself and not blame and shame and have a lot of guilt. So, but that's been a definite work in progress for the last, you know, 25, 26 years.

And you've been through a lot. So yeah, you've done a lot of self help. You've done a lot of therapy. You've had a lot of different types of care. You kind of run the gamut when it comes to modalities even, right?

Yeah, I didn't know any. Like, when I got married, I was like anybody else. I was, you know, a middle management. I wanted a white picket fence with a house, you know, kids and a dog. I never expected to be a single parent with a really confrontational, you know, co-parent.

um I wasn't expecting to have to adopt children I wasn't expecting I didn't even know anything about mental illnesses and I certainly didn't know what LGBTQ was I didn't even know what the letter stood for so the learning curve was incredible and then not knowing that you would end up you know having your own struggles with your own mental health interfere with your parenting or because of your, you know, light family situation?

It started when we started our business together. My first husband and I started a business together. I got total burnout even before we adopted them. We started having marital problems, which I didn't recognize at the beginning.

And then when the kids came along, it just accentuated all of those things. And so when he became controversial, it became my first major depression. And then once it affected my children, you know, kind of down the line, that's when second, third and fourth major depressions happened. What I wanted to do is I wanted to say, OK, there's got to be other women out in the world or parents out in the world that have gone through as much pain and problems as I did.

So I want to be able to help them, because when I was going through it, there wasn't you could go to any particular area. If you needed to go to, you know, find out about ADHD, you could go to ADHD. If you wanted to find out about LGBTQ, you could go, you know, find that. But there wasn't anything that had this holistic, you've got multiple major challenges in the world and they all interrelate and they all, you know, depend on each other and they merge into each other.

And so there, any, any support group that I went to didn't quite fit the bill for what I needed from what I'm considering a complex parenting situation, which any one of those topics, in my opinion, are, you know, very complex, you know, topics. But when you have more than two or three combined, it becomes a whole nother level of parenting that normal parenting won't, you know, affect. So I wanted to find out, I wanted to say, okay, how can I help other parents?

And I came up with, well, how did I do it myself? And that's really, you know, what I did. I came up with four pillars. And in those four pillars, it kind of is a model for any mother or any parent to follow in order to keep their sanity, to keep their health, to keep, you know, peace and calm and chaos, you know, from chaos, etc. So that's the four, the four pillars. The first one is, you know, you have to come first, which is really the exact opposite of what how most mothers think Most mothers have to put their kids or want to put their kids first.

Now, in my situation, I had to struggle with that because I had a suicidal child. So it was their priority versus my priority. But really, in order to help them, I needed to be healthy. And I found that out the hard way.

And I explain all that in my first pillar in a couple of chapters. The second pillar is know your children. Even though I have two children with ADHD, you know, depression, anxiety, mental illnesses, you know, multiple learning disabilities, they each actually showed up differently. So you have to know just because they have ADHD, it's not it's not a stamp that it's this.

It's they will react very differently independently. And you have to be able to handle them differently based on their their different backgrounds, their different ways, their personalities, et cetera. So that's pillar number two. Pillar number three is, you know, to have a positive attitude.

it's so hard to get down and I mean it's so easy to get down and it's so hard to keep hope especially if you're depressed so really that was another thing that I had to really work on was keep myself positive work on tools to help myself stay positive and in my opinion I'm a very big believer of law of attraction so the more positivity you can get you get it back to you So that's pillar number three. And then finally, pillar number four, which is I mean, it sounds obvious, but a lot of people struggle with it is get help. You cannot do it alone. I mean, most people say it takes a village to raise a child. I'll say that's kind of like, you know, the normal idea of raising a child.

But if you have complex parenting, there is no way you're going to get through it on your own. You need help. So those are my four pillars. And I go in with very personal stories that are related to all of those pillars and why I feel they're so important.

And, you know, just to kind of help the parents that may not know even how to start or how to begin kind of improving their situations. yeah and the stories are uh you really are raw in sharing and i know that as i was reading it i could think of other moms that i've helped and supported over the years and i'm thinking well there's so much more she could have said about this part but i kind of can get it so you're raw and you're real but you're not telling everything and you're being very respectful of your daughters and making sure that you're not telling everything um as it pertains to them enough though so that your family story can help another family. And so I commend you for doing that and your family for doing that. Because while you're keeping confidentiality, and that is very important to you, you're also doing enough saying enough to let the reader know that you understand,

and that there is hope, and you can overcome. Thank you. Yes, that was a tricky, it's a tricky thing to do because you want to be able to, you know, have people relate to your story. But, you know, again, there is privacy issues. Both my kids have changed their names in the book.

The definition of a successful mom, I think, has a lot of a spectrum to it. Do I feel as though I'm a successful mom? Not from my original idea of, you know, my kids would follow in my footsteps to be, you know, in upper middle management, you know, with their own houses and picket fences and dogs, etc. No, I, but it just wasn't in the cards for them to do that. You know, are they really great, strong, resilient, you know, people of their own? Yes. And so, you know, there's, you have to pick and choose what your definitions of success are. Right. And is, and I think sometimes we, if our kids don't take that same path, we feel like we failed as a parent. That's a disservice to the person and to the child. That's a big knock because then our kids feel like, oh, really? So I'm a failure. Like I didn't go the route that you would have went. And so, or the way you wanted me to turn out or to show up. And so now I'm a failure. And you have literally said that is not true. Like you get to be you and your kiddos get to go whichever road they want to take. And their road is not a reflection of you and your road is not a reflection of them. Like it works kind of both ways, right? I totally agree with that. And I think that we as parents, particularly mothers,

I think mothers do it more so is that whole blame and shame. You know, I could have done better and I could have, you know, this and that. And I think you have to just kibosh that immediately because, A, it doesn't serve either you or your kids in any way. So, you know, you really but it's hard to do. It's really, really hard to take that away.

But you, you know, you have to seek help to get that attitude, to get that, you know, kind of self-love to overcome it. I will have a link in the show notes for you to go on January 24th. The book is published and ready for you to purchase as an e-book for just 99 cents. And then if you want to get the hardcover or softcover book, there's another option for you to do that.

But let's support Debra on her first day, on her book launch day, January 24th, and get your e-book copy. You do not have, I learned this with my first book, you don't have to have a subscription to Kindle to be able to get, you know, free or 99 cent books. There's an app you just download on your phone and it's absolutely free. Before we wrap up, Debra, in addition to the book, people can learn more about you at ComplexParenting.com.

there's a contact page there um you do some public speaking so people can reach out and actually hire you to come and speak um to their organization their church any parting words anything else you'd like to share with our listeners today deborah this is the beginning of my journey to reach out and help parents uh first is the book and you know public speaking and i want to just grow from there and be able to really be able to create a whole category of parenting called complex parenting to help all of those parents. So thank you, Jackie, for, you know, having this opportunity. I really, really appreciate it. You are also going to be in volume two of No Problem Parenting's compilation book. And so we're partnering up, we're going to be,

we're going to, we're going to be connecting and reaching more and more parents together. And so I'm just grateful to have met you, Debra, and I look forward to all the, all the things that are to come. Well, you're part of this book too, Jackie, you, you know provided the forward so you're you're we're too we're linked no matter what we definitely are and parents i'm going to encourage you to go purchase for 99 cents on january 24th tuesday january 24th 2023 you can purchase the kindle copy for 99 cents let's help her reach amazon bestseller deborah's going to help guide you through how to balance and prioritize the many complex issues you need to juggle as you're dealing with not only your own mental health,

but also your child. So thank you so much for supporting her. And we'll see you tomorrow where we're going to have a special happy birthday episode. Happy birthday to my nephew, Nicholas, who turns 19 years old. And so in honor of Nicholas's birthday, we're going to celebrate all people with Down syndrome. So stay tuned for tomorrow's episode with Carissa Carroll, the founder of Jack's Basket, and you'll hear our conversation and celebration of babies with Down syndrome.

Thank you for tuning in to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey? Like this podcast, subscribe, share, or leave a review of the show.

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