Protecting Your Children Through Divorce: Mistakes To Avoid & Co-Parenting Success Strategies, with Special Guest Rosalind Sedacca

Hey there, No Problem Parents. We are on episode 91. I can't even believe it. We started this podcast in April of 2021. We are on episode 91. And I got to tell you, before we get into our topic today and I introduce my guests, September 2022 was a big month for all things No Problem Parenting. If you haven't subscribed to our newsletter, you guys, I've put out all the details of what I'm about to share with you in the newsletter. Go to noproblemparents.com, scroll down put your name and email in there and we're going to send you the free make it right technique but you're also going to be on our monthly newsletter as well as our podcast update newsletter anywho september was huge so first of all we launched our compilation book our resource parenting book called raising your kiddos with more confidence and less fear and we hit number one bestseller in three categories in parenting number one in child development and number one in child development and psychology.

Thank you everyone who joined us on our launch day, met the authors that are live for our event and also went and got the book free on Amazon. The book is now in print so you can search for it at your favorite store or reach out to one of our authors and get a signed copy from them. I have a link in the show notes that's gonna bring you to the landing page where you can meet all the authors and let us know in the comments who was your favorite author, which chapter resonated the most with you.

You can just comment on this podcast and let us know. And I gotta tell you about the summit. October 17th to the 28th, I will be one of the presenters at the Thriving Mom Summit. This free virtual summit is all about helping moms learn tools and strategies for more peace, priority-based productivity, and purpose. So if you're a mom who's ready to break free from just surviving the day-to-day and learn to thrive in motherhood and be excited about motherhood and be ready to tackle any problem that comes your way, then this summit is for you.

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Hugs and high fives. And now let's get into today's episode. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Finneman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be?

Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling? Whether you are at your wits end or you want to have more fun as a parent, you're definitely in the right place. Now here's your host, Jackie Fineman. Welcome back, No Problem Parents.

Today we have a special guest on the show, Ms. Rosalyn Sadaka. She is here to help us navigate all things divorce and how to make sure that our kids are okay. Rosalind is recognized as the voice of child-centered divorce.

She's a divorce and co-parenting coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, which provides advice, programs, coaching, and other valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through, or transitioning after a divorce. She's the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About Divorce? a storybook guide to preparing your children with love designed to help parents get through the tough divorce talk with the best possible outcome for themselves and their children.

Rosalind has also created several eBooks and eCourses on co-parenting success strategies, including an eight-hour anger management program for co-parents. She also hosts the Divorce, Dating, and Empowered Living radio show and podcast. Well, welcome to the show, Rosalind. Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here with you.

I am really excited about this because, as I mentioned to a couple of my guests that I've had on recently, I think COVID hit families really hard, hit relationships really hard. And divorce has, I mean, you know the statistics better than I, but it seems like, and I know for me, I'm getting a lot more clients who are newly divorced and or just recently separated. and they're really having a tough time talking with their kids about it.

I'm finding lots of parents wanting to protect their kids by not really saying much. And I often think, you know, the kids know they're little sponges and they can sense that there's a problem or there's something going on and they don't know how to talk about it. And I think it's up to us as parents to be the confident leader that our kids crave us to be. So I'm excited to talk to you today about your tips and strategies on how to have the conversations with our kids.

Thank you. I agree with everything you've said. Very important points you've made. Tell us a little bit about your story and how you got to this place of coaching parents who are going through divorce or are divorced.

Yeah, of course, this was not my original game plan in life. I had a divorce when my son was 11 years old after being married for close to 20 years. and it was, I put it off for years and years. It was a very difficult decision to make. And I was afraid of, of emotionally scarring my, my son, of course. And it was an experience that was really tough for me physically, emotionally, and, and psychologically. And I had to get my, my soon to be ex on board and understanding that we're going to be co-parenting. And I wanted it to be in his positive a way as possible. And there was so much we had to learn. And we did. We went through the process. We had what I consider to be an amicable divorce. And my son did very well through the experience. And when my son was a grown adult in his early 20s, he came to me one day out of the blue. And he said, you know, Ma, you and Daddy did a really good job with the divorce. And I just want to thank you because most of my friends whose parents divorced either hate their parents or are very angry at them. And I think you guys were great. And I just let out such a sigh of relief because I was holding on to so much guilt and insecurity about did I screw my child up?

And that became the catalyst moment when I decided I really had learned a tremendous amount about divorcing and parenting after divorce and respecting the relationship and creating it in the best possible way. And that's when I founded the Child-Centered Divorce Network and then became a divorce and co-parenting coach and wrote my first book, which is How Do I Tell the Kids About the divorce because I created on my own this ability to use a storybook, which was a scrapbook where you added family photos from the past up to the present, along with text that I had written.

My background is in writing. And when you put that together, it created a scenario that the parents can read together and have previous agreement about all of the statements. So when the kids see the storybook about them and their family. And it talks about the fact that there has been some challenges at home and you may have heard us arguing in the past, but this is another chapter in our family and we're still going to be a family forever more. And your mom and dad are always going to be your mom and dad. It gives kids the ability to feel there's a future ahead that's bright and, and it's not gloom and doom. It starts everyone in the family off on, on a much safer, sounder footing. And it's been working very, very effectively. So that all was an outcome of that experience with my son. Wow. So your, your coaching started after your son was grown.

Yes. This melts my heart and it brings, it gives me hope for some of the families that I know that I that are going through this right now going through divorce right now and are so afraid to talk to their kids about it they're getting all their ducks in a row you know behind the scenes before they're actually telling their kids and again I still feel like the kids in a couple situations I can think about with my clients that the kids do know but it's so difficult for parents when you're new at this you didn't plan when you got married you know that you're going to get divorced oftentimes you don't have the experience maybe you have personal experience if your parents were divorced, but you may not have had just like with anything, the best example of that or the best experience of that. Right. Absolutely. So one of the things that I often ask parents when they come to me with a difficult situation or behavior with their child and they're divorced and they're co-parenting and, you know, they're logging into our virtual meetings separately, but together.

right? And they bring up the topic of divorce or the fact that their child is struggling with the divorce. One of the first things I ask them, and I'd like to know your thoughts on this, is have you apologized to the kids for the divorce? Nine times out of 10, they say no. They're like kind of dumbfounded by the question. Yeah, thank you for bringing that up. That's a wonderful point.

I encourage parents to apologize for the divorce. I encourage them to explain that no one prepared for this and planned for it. And we are so sorry that this is affecting you. And that's part of the commentary in my storybook for the family to talk to the kids about that.

And I also encourage parents to apologize at any point in time, long after the divorce and the co-parenting experience, when they may be getting some of the information I'm sharing with them and saying, oh, my God, I made a mistake. I should never have said that. I should never have done that. That wasn't a smart decision.

it's very important for children to see their parents owning and taking responsibility and then saying I apologize we're going to do things differently and then shifting and making changes because kids will always forgive you it's never too late to apologize and your child will say of course I love you and and moving on because we're role models and if children who see that from their parents are much more likely to grow up to be mature, responsible adults themselves and apologize as well. So it all starts in that early role modeling experience and any step in the divorce process way long after can still be a teaching moment for the children.

That's excellent and a really great point. Let's get into a couple of things today I think that we're going to talk about. Number one is biggest mistakes that parents make with regards to their kids when they're going through divorce? And number two would be some of your success strategies and things that parents can do right now. So it's very important for parents to put themselves in their children's shoes through all facets of this experience, because every child is going to respond differently. And at different ages and stages, children will respond differently. And no one knows your children better than you. That's why it's so important to keep out of the courts and to make as many decisions together with your co-parent as you can, because you're going to already start in better footing when you do it that way. One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is fighting around the kids. And that's not only in the same room as the kids, that's in the bedroom when the door is closed, that's on the phone when you're talking to your sister and your friend. That's anywhere where the children can possibly pick up and hear because it changes who they are. It affects them emotionally and psychologically to be around conflict. And that's so in all relationships and even people who are in intact marriages. I'm sure you talk to parents about keeping those battles away from the kids because they're torn up. And in a divorce,

especially, they feel guilty siding with one parent or the other, and it's a no-win for them. So you want to keep your battles away from them. And equally important is you don't want to make your children have to choose between either parent. Children love both parents. Even if one parent isn't as good a parent as you think they should be, your children are most likely loving that parent. And it's very important that you never put down disparage or bad mouth the other parent to the children or around the children. So even if you're not saying it to the children, again, if you're on the phone talking to your parents or your friends, and you're talking about what a jerk your ex is, it hurts your children and it harms them. And they deserve better from you.

Keeping those two points in mind can solve an array of problems and eliminate an array of problems that don't have to happen because your children's innocent psyches are at stake. And we don't want our children to pay the price for our divorce. You know, one of the things that makes me think of is that even if, let's say, one parent, the child is upset with one of the parents, and they can clearly see that that parent is, you know, always flying off the handle, not available for them, they might be very upset with that parent, but they are still part of that parent. And they're still sometimes feeling like that's, you know, dad's a part of me or mom's a part of me. And so if dad is bad or mom is bad, then I am bad too. That's a very important point you make. Very important for parents to understand that because that's how children think and think of how helpless they feel to be put in a position like that when they're feeling there's a part of them that's bad or that you don't like, that you're rejecting? And how does a child cope?

There are so many issues that develop because of parents making poor decisions at these crucial points, and they don't understand the consequences for the children. And I can't tell you how many clients have gone to see psychotherapists years after divorce and say, my child's acting out, They're aggressive. They're on drugs. They're suicidal, whatever the situation is. And this child psychologist will discover that there was a divorce two years ago, five years ago, 10 years ago, but it wasn't handled well. And the children are dealing with the pain and the inner turmoil of feeling on some level that they were to blame for the divorce and they're responsible for the outcome. Right. Yeah, absolutely. So another mistake that I see too often is making your child a confidant. It's so tempting, especially when you're depressed or sad and hurt,

to want to tell your child, especially if the child is 9, 10, 11 years old or a teenager, to start confiding and saying, well, mom is crying because dad did this and said this, or vice versa, or mom did this and said that. And it's very easy to start talking about issues. And again, children lose their childhood as soon as you bring them and share adult information with them. Their childhood innocence is gone.

They can't unlearn and unhear the information you're sharing with them. And so the rule in general in the mental health community is that if a child can't do anything to fix your relationship, then they don't need to be privy to that information. And very rarely can a child do anything to fix your relationship. It's never their fault, no matter if you're fighting about the children or not. They're not responsible. They're always innocent. And you don't want to fill your children with information. If only your mom didn't have that affair, if your dad wasn't an alcoholic, none of this would be happening. There's nothing that your child can do to change that situation. And they can't possibly understand the complexities of adult relationships. It's hard enough for us as adults to understand them, and certainly they can't fix it. So we have to be very mindful about what we're sharing with our kids and the responsibility we're putting on their shoulders. Your child is not your therapist, and your child is not your confidant. And that's when you turn to professionals, close friends and family for the support you need. Right. That's a great point. A couple of other things that we want to keep in mind is you don't want your child to be a messenger either. Children can easily confuse messages.

Tell daddy, I can't pick you up at 730. I'll be there at 830 instead. Sometimes they just get confused. Sometimes they forget. And sometimes they intentionally will sabotage the situation.

They don't want to share information. They have feelings and opinions about one or both of you. And so they will intentionally get involved with their own agendas. It's much smarter for you to have the co-parenting tools that are available online for divorcing parents and to send a text or an email or in some way share this information between the two adults. You also want to be very mindful about including your co-parent, despite what you may feel about that other parent, in as many special occasions as you can in your children's life, school events and holidays and birthdays.

And there are so many times when even if it's a half an hour, your children seeing both parents together in that room or in the auditorium is a plus in their life, as opposed to saying, no, I can't be in the same room as your dad. I've seen clients whose own weddings and children's special occasions and graduations where the parents aren't mature enough to be able to be in the same place at the same time. And shame on them, because who's hurt?

Your children are hurt. And again, your children are innocent in all of this. put yourself in their shoes and think of what it's like to be their age and experiencing these occasions and make mature decisions. That's so great. So let's get into what we can do then, because you do have some strategies, some things that parents can do. Are we ready to get into those? We can, yes. So one is to pick your battles. You can't be micromanaging the co-parenting experience and you may have differences on on nutrition and diet and don't how dare you feed them this and you forgot to do that or or we eat at 5 30 in my house and not at 7 30 it's very tempting to want to get involved in every nuance in your co-parents uh experience with the kids but the kids are going to do better when you're not involved in every every little issue and learn the flexibility of adjusting to life situations between two parents and pick your battles. If something is really seriously emotionally or physically harming your children and you have to speak up, yes, speak up, but don't be picking up, picking battles needlessly and every minute in minutiae because it's not effective for anyone. Also catch your ex doing something right.

and that's what we do as parents with our children. An attaboy, a compliment, a pat on the back, a thanks for picking him up early yesterday. Thanks for doing this. I appreciate your moving vacation around is very important.

You need to be very flexible as co-parents because there are people who are sticklers with parenting plans and saying, it's Tuesday at six o'clock and that's the way it's written. And life isn't written in gospel like that. And we have to be flexible with one another because you are going to need favors from your co-parent at some point in time. And no one gets away with co-parenting without needing favors and needing to make shifts in the schedules and times and all of the things that happen with work and being sick and accidents, et cetera.

So keep that in mind. And it's setting a mindset for the two of you. If you're being flexible and saying, sure, I could do that, your co-parent is much more likely to do the same thing as opposed to fighting each other tit for tat and battling over everything. thing. Remember that the co-parenting relationship is more like a business relationship. You're creating a corporation, the function of which is to give your children the best childhood possible after this divorce. And so you're not emotionally involved with one another. You're not in a romantic relationship with one another, but you're in a business relationship of taking good care of your children. And the more dispassionate you can be and reminding yourself about that,

the better decisions you'll make, the smarter and wiser those decisions will be, because this is a long-term, life-term structure. I know a lot of attorneys get people wound up in the divorce process, and the divorce process finally comes to an end. But when you're a parent, it doesn't end. It's just beginning. Now the co-parenting is going to go on for the rest of your life, hopefully.

and you want to be doing it in smart ways, in mindful ways, in conscious ways that are going to protect your children and give you and your co-parent a positive, happy relationship and something to look forward to in the future. No, I love that. I wholeheartedly agree. And I know it's not easy.

I think oftentimes it's a very selfish thing, understandably, when we're going through divorce, that it's all about me and how do I want to say that? It's like we become kind of selfish with our emotions. Yes, you need to take care of your emotions. You need to deal with whatever hurt, grief, loss you're experiencing because of the divorce.

And it's not your child's responsibility to figure out how to help you with your emotions, right? Totally well said. Yes, I agree with that. One of the things I maybe should have asked right from the beginning that just came to mind is what are some of the most important things for parents to know or to understand before breaking the divorce news to the child?

Yeah, I'm glad you asked that. So we want to be, again, mindful of who our children are, their personalities, their individuality. And there's six key messages we want to share with them. And the first is that this is never your fault.

The children are never to blame, no matter how convoluted the situation is about the kids. It's never their fault. And they need to hear this again and again in different ways at different times, because children will naturally tend to feel, because they're very narcissistic and in a normal sense, the universe is around them. And very often a child will think, if I didn't hit my brother last week, if I didn't get a D in my report card, if I hadn't said that and got mommy mad at me, then maybe this wouldn't be happening.

And what a terrible burden for them to be bearing when, of course, that's not true. You also want to remind the children that you are and always will be safe and that this may sound scary and they may have heard things from other friends in school and in the neighborhood. The word divorce has a stigma to it. And you want to remind them that mom and dad are taking care of things and they are safe and we're going to have a positive, happy outcome in all of this.

So stick with us because we're working on it. And it's so important for them to understand they still have parents who are doing that. So one of the most important messages is that mom and dad will always be your parents. And that mom and dad will always love you.

Children need to not only know that they're loved by both parents, but also that they can love both parents. Sometimes one parent will get involved and try to alienate the children and take them over onto their side. And it's very important for the children to feel that they have the right to love both parents and without being condemned or criticized for doing that. So reminding them that this is a chapter in our family's life that's shifting in some ways. And we're going to be in mom's house sometimes, in dad's house sometimes. There's going to be some shifts and changes. You're going to have a new bedroom and another residence.

but the important things are still there and you still have your mom and dad who are loving you forever and that that is so crucial for them and that very important to mention that this is about change and not about blame so we don't point our fingers as parents and say if if mom didn't have the affair if dad wasn't an alcoholic none of this would be happening the story book concept or the conversation doesn't talk about who did what wrong. Both parents are on the same page in agreement that mom and dad tried to fix unhappiness in our relationship. We just couldn't figure out a way to fix it and make it right. And we figured out that life would be better for everyone in the family if we were living in two separate houses and we'll have happier times with mom and mom's house, happier times with dad in dad's house. And that's good news. And so we talk about change being a natural part of life. You change grades in school, you change hairstyles, you change clothing styles, you change the sports you're playing. Life is full of changes just as the seasons change. And this is a change in our family, but it's not the end of the family.

And it's not anything that's going to be bad news. We have a lot to look forward to. And then we can focus on the things that aren't going to change for the children who are still in the same school and still in the same neighborhood with the same friends. That's a huge plus. That's a real positive security blanket for them.

what if if the grandparents or other relatives are still nearby that's another plus focus on the pluses that aren't changing and then focus on a way of talking about the changes that are happening in the best possible way the kids will pick up on your attitude and tone it's not the divorce per se that becomes the problem it's the way the parents approach the divorce and there ways of doing it so that the kids do not feel overwhelmed with sadness and sorrow and you can give them a bright new beginning for everyone in the family. I really like that you said that because it can feel overwhelmingly hard, sad, there's going to be grief, there's all those things to work through and I think when parents are primarily working with their attorneys through the divorce, the negativity, the defense, the resistance just kind of compiles and becomes the focus. And here at No Problem Parenting, we want to seek first to understand. We want to get to the root of the issue and the problem, but we also, we only give problems as much attention as they deserve here. Problems are meant to be dealt with and overcome. So the problem, whatever that is, if it's the actual divorce is the problem, okay, we need to name that. And then we need to figure out what's the solution for that. So we don't keep feeding the problem and the negativity of the problem and giving the problem more attention than it actually deserves. Just so

that one or the other feels like they won, right? Totally agree with you. Very important. And that's why the Child-Centered Divorce Network doesn't encourage getting into litigation and doesn't encourage just focus. Be very mindful and selective about the attorneys you work with.

There are really family-oriented, child-centered attorneys, and I have a directory on my website of people that I vetted individually, because not every attorney has your family's best interest at heart. And you don't want to be working with someone who's into battling the divorce because they're not aware of the consequences for the children and the mindset of the parents when they're going through a battle. yeah absolutely so let's talk about your resources as we wrap up here today what is the best way for people to get a hold of you and i know that you have a free ebook that is very helpful for parents so tell us a little bit more about all that yes so if you visit child centered with an ed child centered divorce.com all of my resources are there right on the home page is my free ebook just enter your email address and you can get post-divorce parenting success strategies for getting it right and it's filled with the kind of tips and information that we were talking about today i also have several co-parenting um guidebooks audio coaching program different formats for different people who want to access the information in different ways and my my ebook on breaking the Divorce News to Kids. I also have an eight-hour anger management for co-parents program course,

which is excellent, that really covers a lot of information that either or both parents need to get themselves centered and move out of using anger as a tool in the relationship and start being able to parent in the most loving, harmonious, cooperative way possible for the sake of the kids. So all of those tools are there. I have a blog that changes weekly, tons and tons of articles, all free articles. And I do one-on-one divorce coaching.

I have several programs for that, depending on the theme of before, during, or after divorce. And it's all child-centered. That's the important thing, that everything is focused on protecting your children, making the best decisions on behalf of your children, and giving them the future that you certainly want them to have and that they deserve. It's also excellent. And I'd like to make sure that parents are getting the, how do I tell the kids about the divorce? Even if you're already divorced, you've already talked about it, because I think that storybook guide is just brilliant. And being able to show the kids that even though we're apart, we're in different homes, we have a story, a family story, and we are still a family. And you know, Jackie, that many families, the kids will bring that storybook with them from home to home and add new pictures and situations because it shows that this is an ongoing situation in our life, in our family's life, and they move from home to home and add to it. So the continuity is so important for children to understand that life is going to go on and mom and dad are still working to parent you in the best ways to give you a happy future. What a comfort that is during this difficult, challenging time for kids who are getting that message versus some of the other messages that families are conveying. Oh, I agree. And I think it could be so hard for

the mom and the dad, you know, when, when the kids are going to dad's house and they're doing all this fun stuff, but maybe they're with mom during the week and it's status quo and it's routine and schedule and, you know, all that kind of stuff. And it can feel like, oh, dad's the fun dad, but vice versa. It could be that, you know, the opposite way. So kids are going to dad's house for three, four days and then mom's house for three, four days. But I think the storybook guide is really giving them permission to have fun with both parents.

Yes. And not feel like they can't share the fun because they don't want to make mom feel bad or they don't want to make dad feel bad. Exactly. And I think it's brilliant.

Thank you so much. Yes, it takes a weight off their shoulders. And that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to give them the best possible way to continue life and keep their childhood.

Yeah. because so many of the mistakes that parents inadvertently make rob the kids of their childhood and that is that is something that the kids never forgive you for yeah absolutely well this has just been um just great information rosalind i'm so excited that we had met and that you're willing to come on the show and share your expertise and and your support for parents that are navigating divorce all with the with the child in mind being child-centered because that's really what it's about. So I, I can't thank you enough for being with me today.

It's a pleasure. Thank you. Thank you for tuning into the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be.

Who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey? Like this podcast, subscribe, share or leave a review of the show your support of the no problem parenting podcast pays it forward and helps us help more families Thank you.