Lead, Don't Lecture: The Real Difference Between Leadership and Control

Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. From toddler tantrums to teenage eye rolls, this podcast is your go-to for updated and old school tips and tools that help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Do you ever wish there was a specific manual that came with each one of your kids? I mean, what works for one often doesn't work for the other.

And let's face it, we don't know what we don't know. And even if there was a manual, it probably wouldn't be able to keep up with all the changes in our world. Well, this podcast is the next best thing. I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, a 30-year counselor turned parenting coach, and I've got a lot to share, including hundreds of resources that you have access to right from the comfort of your home and strategies that are going to boost your confidence and energize you.

So whether you're knee deep in diapers or navigating the tween years or you're launching your child into adulthood, subscribe and share this podcast with your family, friends, teachers, and daycare providers. We're going to turn your parenting problems into no problem, one episode at a time. about the real problem when it comes to leadership versus compliance. The real problem is often parents are carrying what belongs to your kids. And here's what I see. I see good parents that are exhausted because they're carrying responsibility that belongs to their child.

Parents are trying to make the child understand or agree or feel better or comply all in one conversation. And frankly, that's just too much for your kiddo. Your job is leadership. Your child's job is choosing how they're going to handle that leadership. So let's define leadership versus control. Leadership isn't control. Control says, I need you to behave so I feel better.

But leadership says, hey, I'm clear about the expectation and I'm steady. Whether you're liking this or not, I'm here for you and I am a good leader. Leadership is not louder. It's not longer.

It's not a better speech that you're going to present to your child on why you're right or why they need to do what you're asking them to do. It's matter of fact, consistent, and even boring enough that it doesn't invite a fight. Now let's talk about why over explaining backfires. So many of us parents are really good at over explaining. But over explaining is one of the biggest ways that parents accidentally train their child to push back. Because when a parent explains and explains and explains, the child learns, hmm, if I resist long enough, the conversation expands, I get mom's attention more. If I argue, I get engagement. Even if it's negative engagement, negative attention, I get more attention. And if I stall, I get more intention and sometimes more sympathy, right? Now I'm not blaming kids for that. Kids do what works. So we stop making resistance work. That's leadership. And so we want to pass the tests. Our kids test us all the time. They,

if we have a button and we didn't even know we had a button, our kids will find it. So oftentimes they're testing us. And this is so key. It's not testing us just to be mean to us or defiant or whatever. It's just to see how likely we are to follow through with what we say. And when we follow through, that creates trust. You learn that in module one of becoming a no problem parent, you learn all about the first year of life bonding cycle and what that means for kids.

when we consistently show up to meet their needs. That doesn't go away after our kiddos are, you know, out of baby years or toddler years. It absolutely shows up throughout their life. Passing the test, following through matters so much.

I cannot tell you it's one of the best things you can do is to follow through consistently. Now, I know we're not perfect. No parents are perfect. And we talk about that here at No Problem Parenting.

But let's really think about what passing the test looks like. Passing the test doesn't look like or doesn't mean that your child is going to suddenly smile and say, oh, you're right, mom. Good point. I'm going to do what you asked me to do, or I'm going to stop doing what you asked me to stop doing.

Passing the test means that when your child digs their heels in or they're struggling, you're going to say less. You're going to stay matter of fact, not engage or match their level of emotion. You're going to notice and use curiosity about why they're responding or reacting or behaving the way they're behaving. Saying less, staying matter of fact, not arguing, not engaging or feeding an argument, not lecturing and not chasing.

In the moment, you're going to let your kiddo be uncomfortable without making things bigger, without feeding the fire. So for example, let's say you say to your kiddo, homework happens before screens. Now your kid's probably going to say, well, that's stupid. I'm not doing it.

Passing the test is not explaining the value of education and going into all the reasons why they need to do their homework. you're just simply going to say homework happens before screens and then you move on with your day or whatever it is you're doing whether you're cooking dinner or getting the other kids ready for bed or you know playing a game with the other kids or doing whatever it is you're doing life is going to go on you're not going to engage just because your child is saying i'm not going to do it you're not going to get all angry you're not going to start bargaining you're going to stay steady. And it's going to feel like you're giving in. Because if they say I'm not doing it, and they don't do it, well, I guess, you know, then maybe they don't do their homework. But guess what,

they're also not going to get screens. But you're just not going to feed that problem and make it worse for the evening. The natural consequences, the natural natural cause and effect of their actions will take place. And it may not be that night, it may be the next day when they get to school and their homework wasn't done. Right? And they come home later that day. And it's the same thing. Homework happens before screens. It may be quite a while before they have screens. No problem, right? Eventually they will learn, hmm, if I just do my darn homework, I'll be able to play that game on my screen or watch YouTube videos or whatever it is they're doing. Use the broken record response, not a debate. And while that can be frustrating, you don't have to let it be frustrating. You don't have to get mad about it. You don't have to match your child's level of emotion. You can keep it simple and understanding. Let your child be upset or bummed. Confidently repeat yourself and the boundary without feeling bad or mad or sad about it. All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Thanks for tuning in. Remember, every challenge is an opportunity for growth. So if you found value in today's episode, click that subscribe button, share with other parents who might need a little boost, and stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting tips, and get your free download,

The 60 Ways to Respond to Your Kiddos Without Losing Your Cool. Everything can be found at noproblemparents.com. Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks. You got this, parents.