Parenting Your Teenage Daughter with Special Guest Jeannie Baldomero

Welcome back to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey there, parents. Did you know that there's a way you can transform your kids' behavior? That's right.

I am a parenting coach and strategist, and I've created this space for you so that you can seek first to understand why your kids are behaving the way they are, and we can really go deeper with our own behaviors and what's happening with our children from the inside out to take the actions and steps necessary to problem solve and transform our parenting so that we can find peace. I promise you there is a solution for your parenting problems. Hey there guys, I'm Jackie Finneman and after 30 years and more than 35,000 hours of working with countless kids and families, there is a solution. So join me on this journey of behavioral strategies, tips and tools so that you can feel empowered as a parent again and reclaim your family's peace. And today we're going to talk about all things teenage daughters and how to have a relationship when they start to kind of disconnect and pull away from us. But real quick,

before we get to that, have you gotten your all access pass to my No Problem Parenting membership community? In just a few simple modules, I'm going to lay out for you the foundations for solving behavioral issues in your family with your children. The course is super easy to navigate, and not only do you receive the videos on demand, I also include a downloadable workbook and private access to the No Problem Parenting membership group.

So go to noproblemparenting.com and then get registered for the course. All right, let's get into today's topic about communicating and conversing and having a relationship with your teenage daughter. Have you ever asked your daughter a simple question?

Maybe there's something about her tone that just made you pause and think, where did that come from? Or maybe it's the sudden stream of tears and the uncontrollable crying and she doesn't even know why she's sad. Or maybe your daughter's developed some unbelievable attitude that just seems to have come out of nowhere and you're kind of saying to yourself, I don't even know who she is anymore. Well, today my guest is Jeannie Baldomero. She is the founder of the Rooted Program, which is a program that equips moms and mentors of young teen girls to be confident in their identity. Jeannie will show you how it's possible to parent your preteen and teenage daughters confidently and without risking your relationship. She's a wife of 20 years,

a mom of three teenagers herself, and a mentor for youth girls in her church's student ministries. Her passion for kids as a former educator, her value for a strong, healthy family unit, and her enthusiasm to impact young teen girls has led her to partner with moms and guide them to create healthy relationships with their teens. So today, Jeannie's going to share with us why there's a disconnect, how to communicate with your teenage daughter, and how to hold a conversation.

She's going to share three tips for parents who are struggling with connection. And if you want to learn more about the Rooted program, go to JeannieBaldomero.com or click the link in the show notes. Welcome to the show, Jeannie. I am so excited to have you here to talk to us all things raising confident teenage daughters. Before we begin, I'd love to hear a little bit about how you got started working with and helping moms with teenage daughters, but also the Rooted program. Of course. Well, first I just wanted to thank you for having me on here. It's going to be a pleasure and honor to just be able to share what I do, but also, you know, hopefully bring some value to the moms that are listening right now when it comes to having a relationship with their teenage daughter. So how this all started, I actually have my own daughter. She's 15.

I mentor a group of girls that happen to be now like a close group of knit girls that are my daughter's friends. We started when she was in fifth grade and we've been mentoring now and they're going into their sophomore year in high school. Through this process, I realized that moms were coming to me wanting to understand their daughters a little bit more. And, you know, being a mentor of this group, they would come to me for some advice. But this also sparked ideas in me. And it brought me back to my own background and my own upbringing, where no matter, you know, what type of background you have, you can live in a suburb or in the city, whatever family unit you have, there are going to be certain issues that are common, a common thread when raising a daughter.

Why I'm so passionate about mentoring moms is because I think of my own mom. When I was a teenager, it all started when I was 13. My mom looked at me and she said, I don't even know who you are anymore. And if I were to look back as an adult with her saying that, it was a cry for help of what do I do with my teenage daughter, who I thought was this loving, caring person and is now this different person? What do I do with her? And who, where can I go for help? I have to say, I wasn't the easiest teenage girl to raise during this transition. And so I have a heart for teenage girls. I know, you know, as having gone through the adolescent years, like the turbulence that we go through and the changes that we go through and how moms play a pivotal role in that.

And that if we can, you know, my passion is to really help moms see the value in their relationships and what they can do in this season, that there is hope to help shape their daughters to be this confident girl, you know, through this process. So that is why I created the Rooted Program. I love that. First of all, as an adult now and a mom now, you can look back and see that your mom wasn't just being this annoying or pesky or over-parenting helicopter mom, or she was literally concerned, but had no idea what to do. And, and I love that you can see that as a cry for help. That's what she was, that's what she was doing. And so how did you, what was your transition like from that preteen to teenage years? When you say you weren't maybe the easiest child to raise, what were some of the things that were happening in your life or that you were going through that make you say that?

Something about 13. That's when I started to notice more about who I was and what I look like compared to the world. So I started comparing myself to other girls my age and maybe a little bit older. I went to a Catholic school, pretty sheltered until I started noticing girls from public schools and realizing that there's this huge gap, or at least I thought there's this huge gap between me and the girls that I desired to be.

and trying to figure out how I was seen, how I wanted to be seen and thinking I could do it on my own. Right. And I leaned on my friends who were dealing with the same thing, right? The exact same issues to help mentor me and guide me in that way. And because we both don't have the experiences, we flopped a lot. We made dumb decisions. My first boyfriend at 13 was a gang member because I thought that's what I was worthy of.

I can imagine my mom just looking at me like, this is not what I want for you. This is not what God wants for you. And so I think making those decisions of this desire to please people, this desire to show up the way I think I should show up was what turned me into this rebellious child. You know, not really caring what my parents wanted for me.

Why do moms feel they are failing when it comes to parenting their tween or teen girls? What do you think that is? Like when your mom was in that situation with you and here she sent you to a Christian school and she's thinking, I'm gonna surround you with the resources and the people that are gonna help you stay true to you and your faith. What do you think she was feeling or thinking then?

Or maybe you've talked to her about that. Well, I believe she, we've talked, we've talked about that. She just, I think it was a time of survival during that time when she saw this huge change. But when I'm thinking like how moms feel like they're feeling, it's a normal feeling. My mom and other moms that feel that way, that's a normal feeling because there is a significant change in their daughter, right?

As much as they prepare, they surround them with an environment that's healthy. Moms don't really realize that there is going to be a change with their daughter. And a lot of times we care so much, we empathize so much that we automatically hold that guilt that we've done something wrong. And it's that guilt that allows us to think that we've failed as we see our daughter spiral.

And they don't necessarily spiral all the time, right? And it could happen like it did with me. But there are some moms just notice slight changes. Like she doesn't want to hug me anymore.

She doesn't like to cuddle. She wants to be in a room. I must have failed at something. I must have done something wrong. I want to say that you didn't do anything wrong, that this happens to be a stage that girls go through. It's the growing process and it's normal. And some of the things that I talk about in the Rooted program is really identifying the different stages of parenting that happens within the life cycle of our child, from, you know, an infant all the way to an adult. We have different stages. We have the nursing stage. We have the queen king stage. We have the coaching stage. And then we have friendship.

We were their friend. And lots of times, you know, moms get stuck at being the ruler, the queen, right? In childhood, we tell them, no, these are the rules. This is, we have really close boundaries, right and I know you can agree with that really tight boundaries and there comes a time which is pre-adolescence where our daughter starts to wake up and realize that I'm changing and that's normal right it's all biological and her social emotional awareness of otherness starts to happen and she starts to wiggle out of this boundary right and wanting more independence and so us moms don't know what to do with that because we don't expect it right and if moms can understand that this is a normal progression of how our daughters grow then we are more prepared to seeing and expecting that okay she is going to pull away it's not because of me it's because she desires an independence because that's the natural growth of wanting to pull away and go procreate with someone else and have another family unit right and that's just how we're designed and have we can match our emotions to that and understand that I think the value we have as moms in helping them and shifting our role will be less guilt, but more guiding. Yeah, that's so great. And definitely needed. I think like you mentioned, when the, your daughter's going to their, to her room and she's not wanting to, you know, be out with you and share with you and talk with you and,

and communicate. And then as a mom, you're going, I don't even know what to say to her. I don't know how to get her to engage. I don't know what to do to get her to want to talk to me.

And then your daughter's wanting this independence and you're thinking, well, I don't even know what you're doing or where you're going, or you don't give me enough details. So I've got to keep the structure, keep this boundary on you and tell you no, because I don't know that I can trust that you're going to be safe. Even if I trust you, maybe that's starting to waver. So what you're going to share today some tips that moms who are struggling with connecting with their daughters can do some things they can do and some advice on communication. And so maybe get into that a little bit. Sure. So, and I totally understand, you know, a lot of moms struggle with that. Like, what do I do with her pulling away and not engaging with me as much? I, you know, I was the one that she ran to. I was the one who she was excited about. It was so easy for us to have these conversations and natural that she engaged back. Why is it so different now? And what can I do to continue to be intentional? Well, one tip is to one, I would say, be okay with things changing and making a shift. And if we're okay with recognizing that our girls are changing and want independence, then this is a starting point of where we can realize that some things need to change in your relationship with your daughter. That doesn't mean she loves you any less. That doesn't mean that you can't have a quality relationship with your daughter. It's just

realizing that there is going to be a change and change needs to happen, right? And it starts with you. So that's tip number one. And another one is tip number two is timing, definitely timing and being aware that you no longer call all the shots. And by means they're not ready to call all the shots either. But there has to be a mutual understanding of really recognizing that your daughter has is starting to have a say in her life. And that is okay. And this is where we can wrap around her and kind of guide her and unpeel that with her because we want to still walk her along towards independence, right? That's our goal is to walk her along towards independence.

But it just can't happen overnight, right? There is a delicate balance between the two. And I think that's what makes the adolescent teenage years so unique in parenting is that because we're constantly dancing. We're doing the dance with our daughters. So I would say timing and being aware of when she's available to engage and when you're willing to observe the pockets of time to engage with her. And I say pockets because that's what it is. It's these little windows of time that we can recognize. And that doesn't mean we're stalking our daughter 24-7 waiting for those pockets, it means that we are present and aware of when we can, when we can have that, those conversations, right? So it's not that you're walking on eggshells around her. You're really aware that there are going to be these pockets of time and it's going to be easier to talk to her. She's going to be more open to it and times where the wall would come up and not something to take personally, but just that it is. Yes. Just that it is. And does it mean that we stop pursuing them? No, it's the consistency of even if it's popping in and saying, Hey,

you just wanted to say hi, you know, and engaging and knowing, is it a good time to come in and walk in and have a conversation or based on a response it's, Oh, it's not the right time. I just wanted to say hi. And it's that consistency of showing up that she will value even when it doesn't feel like it. Right. Now she's in this, I'm trying to figure out who I am. And even when she does not say that she needs her mom, we just need to show up a little bit differently. Right. We can't hover, but we just need to pop in and know that over time she's known that has mom been consistent in my life and trying to pursue me. And loving me through this, even if I haven't been so kind or so nice. I remember as a teenager, right around that 12, 13 year, you know, and I remember my parents had bought me a desk for Christmas and I was so thrilled to have this desk. I felt so professional sitting, you know, writing my friend's letters. Cause we didn't have Snapchat,

you know, back then. And I remember one time being so upset that she wouldn't let me go to a sleepover with some friends. And, and I was so mad because all these other girls were going to this. And so I remember writing on that desk, this terrible letter to her about how mean she was and how cruel she was and how I'm never going to have friendships. And, you know, the world was ending because of this. And I remember finishing the letter with, and you can have this stupid desk back, you know, and she knew how important the desk was to me. And I didn't give her the letter. I intended to, I was going to, and then I ended up not giving her the letter because I didn't want to rewrite it. And I certainly didn't want to have that. You can take the desk back in there because I really wanted that desk. But I mean, I remember that as you're, as you're talking today, I remember that time and I thought how hurtful would that have been to my mom. And yet she was, I mean, I don't think she really would have been super hurt by it. She, you know, but that it just is an example of how sometimes we're just in that moment, just so heated and so angry and that feeling will pass, but she could have made it worse by harping on me or disciplining me or consequencing me for my rude behavior towards her. Instead, she just like, she understood I was frustrated and I was mad and the answer was still no. Yes. Yes. Yes. And you know, going

on what you were saying about your story. I love thanks for sharing your story, because it just sparked a thing that we teach about in rooted is that sometimes we parent through our own experience when we don't need to thinking that that's where our daughter is going to end up is where we end up. Or sometimes we have that insecurity of how we were raised. And we go through this exercise where we have to go back to that part in time and how you were raised. Some women have amazing moms that loved them through a lot of things. Some had moms just didn't know what to do.

Some had moms that, you know, weren't the best role models, right? Right. Or not even available. Some moms were just not. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And so, you know, we need to also just let go and forgive that part of us in order for us to truly not really take things personally when we're raising our daughter, right? Like just what your mom did. I mean, someone, another mom could take that personal, you know, and not look behind the letter and understand what really is going on, or she's hurting, or I know she will get through this and I need to love her and not get personal about it or already think 10 steps ahead that, oh, no, this is what our relation is going to look like in 10 years, we're not going to be friends,

So we have to learn to forgive our past and to forgive ourselves for bringing in our past into our parenting and actually have a clean slate so that we can parent in a healthy way, right? That's not a barrier that prevents our relationship with our daughters to grow even more into something beautiful. Right. So you shared two tips. Was there another one?

Number three, it's intentionality. So being intentional. I know that in the teen years, it's, it could be very hard. And sometimes we just want to throw it up and say, forget it. You do what you want to do. Because they will push against you because they want to be independent. Anything that mom says, I mean, number one, we already have the title mom. We've already had one strike against us, right? Because mom is seen as authority.

And if we can break that wall down of, I'm not an authority, I'm a guide, I'm for you, I want to love on you, then gosh, what a beautiful relationship you'll have through this teen years. And so intentionality is important. Being intentional with making some time with your daughter, being intentional and being consistent, meaning we have family time every Sunday. our entire family because we can be busy we have I have three teenagers actually two adults and my youngest is a 15 year old and we during the season are spread out like everybody has their own thing which naturally happens and progresses in this this season of family right and so for us to intentionally connect we need to establish some rocks in our schedules and one of is family time on Sundays, even with our adult children. This is a great time to establish consistency and certainty for our daughters to know that this is going to happen. And it really is up to us to make sure it does. And to hold that's an accountability that the expectation is as a family, we're going to spend this time together. And we're going to pour into each other be present. It's also a great time in this teenage years to like teach them independent skills. I mean, why not have her planet and you know, how awesome would it be for her to have ownership on these times that we spend together as a family? Because it's not about her trying to pull away all the time, but also pouring back in and engaging in the relationships that she's

growing up with, you know? So, yeah, I love that. Do you have, or have you experienced where either with your own, your daughter or some of the girls that you're mentoring, have you had that experience where they, um, they know there's family time or they know they're going to spend a day with mom or afternoon with mom and something happens and they are upset with mom. And so they say, I'm not doing it. I'm not going. And how do you handle that?

you know um it's funny because it does happen but because we've been so consistent with family time she knows the value of it and she kind of gets over it very quickly so even if they say even if she would say something like i don't want to do it or i'm not going or whatever do you you don't really need to respond to that because she knows that's okay to say that and we're still having family time. So you can show up and be crabby or you can show up and make the best of it and make the best of it. Exactly. It's sort of like the parent's job. This is what I teach in no problem parenting as well. It's like, don't add to the problem. So if she says, I don't want to go.

And then you start going off on that tangent and start disciplining that and explaining why she needs to, and, you know, pushing the issue and all that, then you're just like feeding the problem. But instead, if you're just like, yep, I know you don't want to. And this is what we're doing. Yep.

I think one key to is identifying, you know, your battles, right? Not every battle is meant to be fought. And again, it goes back to recognizing what behaviors are going to happen during the adolescent stage, right? And how does that tailor to your daughter's personality?

If you know that this is going to happen, and if I were to dig into that, and it's just going to unravel and it's going to be this huge blow up based on something super small. Is it worth the battle of doing that? Or do I disengage and just say, well, that's the expectation. So let's go, you know, and not really engage into something that is really small.

I mean, it's big to her and we value that she's feeling that way, but to not to feed the fire and diffuse it. Right. So, yes, absolutely. I love that.

Okay. So number one is be okay. with that communication shift and maybe not personalizing it, right? Just recognizing that there is going to be a communication shift at that tween and teen during those tween and teen years.

Tip two is timing. Know that you no longer call all the shots and that she's not ready to call all the shots either, but there's like a dance in there, right? And guiding her to independence. And then three is intentionality. So not so much being the authority, but being the guide or the coach during that time. And so all of that kind of ties into my next question, which is what advice would you give moms when it comes to communicating with your daughter?

So this is number one, actually, when I coach my moms about going through the teenage stages, communication. How do I communicate with my daughter when she doesn't necessarily like talking to me? Right? Right. And so, you know, going back to tip number two is doing the dance and intentionality is utilizing.

And it's so funny because we can segment all these tips into different compartments. But when we realize that these tips actually mold into each other and they naturally organically lead you to do certain things like intentionality and doing the dance, knowing when to communicate and timing is so important. My kids know this. And if you were to interview them, they'll be like, oh, yeah, my mom talks during this time.

and I enjoy car rides. Car rides, I am very intentional with even if my sons drive, I will offer to drive. Or if I'm going on an errand, I'll invite them to come with me. Because it's in these car rides, where I feel like you can have some really good conversations with them. Now, there's a difference between conversations and actually dealing with conflict. Those are two different types of conversations. And sometimes we like to meld them into one. But I discourage that a lot, because what happens is that our kids will always tie normal conversations with some type of lesson that they don't want to hear. Right? Good point. So having these conversations, they're just conversations as if you were just talking to a friend. Now, lots of times we go coffee, we go to coffee with our girlfriends and we don't even have a point, right? We just want to talk, catch up. There's no, you know, maybe sometimes there's advice, but it's, it's only when it's asked for, right? Yeah. Not so much of an agenda. We're just going to have a conversation and see where it goes, right? Exactly. And for some reason, when we look at our teenagers,

because we are mom and we, we still have this authority mindset that we need to talk with an agenda. And what our kids really need is someone to converse with. And the best thing for our own relationships for moms to connect to their daughters is meet them where they're at. You know, what do they enjoy? If you don't know, just ask them like, Hey, what are you into? Like I heard, you know, on TikTok, you know, I heard that there's this, you know, recipe, have you seen it?

I mean, conversations like that actually will build trust. And when you're building trust with your daughter, then it leads to other different conversations that are on a deeper level. A lot of times moms feel like they can just go down to the deep level when they haven't really built that trust. And you might be thinking like, well, I thought I have trust with my daughter.

We do. They have our love. but as far as speaking into their life, again, they're at this stage where they want to pull away. And so when they have someone constantly feeling like they're telling them what to do, even when in our heart, it's just advice, it's unsolicited advice. They're not ready to hear it, nor did they ask for it, right? Just think of a friend that every time you go out with them, they feel like they have to say something to you about what you've said. And so over time, And you're just like, well, I don't want to talk to you about anything because you're going to have a comment about it.

And so that's how our teenagers feel. And they're hypersensitive to that. Even when our intention is not to give advice, they can sniff it out in tone and in the words we use. And so when we have conversations with our daughters, pick the right time.

I love it in the car. And really, it's light. I let them lead the conversations. And I dig with that.

You know, key conversations are like, so tell me more about that. Or why do you think that? Or what are you into today? Like, you know, you don't want to do questions that they can just answer like fine, because then you're not going to go anywhere with that, right?

but also being able to observe, you know, when we're being intentional, observe what they're into, what you notice that they're doing when you're popping your head in, and then having those conversations to expand on that. Like, oh, hey, you know, what was, what movie were you watching when I said hi? Oh, yeah, I liked them. Tell me more about it. And it's really not about what I can do to advise you. It's more about getting to know your daughter more in their world and planting those seeds later on to have those conversations when that trust is built.

Oh, that's so good. That's really good advice. And I think that's partly why it's so hard for moms to hold conversations with their kids, moms and dads to hold a conversation with their kids, because if they're coming from that place of it's my job to advise my child, it's my job to warn them of the dangers of something they might do if they, if they, you know, do this activity or this event or hang with these people or go out with these people.

I think that's a really good point, Jeannie. I love that, that it's more about don't go into it thinking you have to teach them anything or teach them a lesson. You just want to be a matter of fact and have them share so that they see you as somebody who's willing to listen to them versus wanting to fix them or correct them or advise them. That's great.

Exactly. Exactly. The key is listening, getting into their world and refraining from advice unless asked. And that's another thing we can ask if they want some advice. And then if they say no, we have to respect that. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Or, you know, even just asking the key question, like, oh, what do you think that? And they're like, oh, I don't want to talk about it.

That's your cue. Stop talking about it. You know, they're, they're very, they're, they're not very filtered. I mean, we don't have to second guess what they're thinking. And, and if we're okay with timing and learning to just, you know, be still, you know, quick to listen and slow to speak, then I think that's literally the key to a healthy conversation and getting to know your daughter more. The objective is really, I want to know who you are and I want you to know that I want to know who you are. Yeah, that's so good. You just made me think of another point. I think sometimes when you're, when our kids say, I don't have a daughter, but I have a son. And I know sometimes when I've asked him a question and he says, oh,

I don't want to talk about it or just nevermind mom or something. Sometimes my response to him will be, you know what? I get why you don't want to tell me. Cause I've kind of harped a lot, or you're worried that I'm going to give some advice that you're not asking for. And so I actually say that back to him. So it's plants that seed in his head of, okay, I get it. I get why you might not want to share with me right now. Cause I have been that overbearing mom, or I have asked too many questions that are either none of my business or that you, you know, I might make a bigger deal of this subject than I need to. And you're aware of that. And so it's just like, let it go. So I think they, they need to hear that sometimes too, right? That, okay.

I get it. You're right. I've been the overbearing, you know, advice. Yeah. Advice queen. All right.

Yeah. So that's great. Yeah. All right. So give us an idea. How can moms continue to bridge the gap of communication with their teens? You've talked about this a little bit already. Yes.

Just know that don't take it personal. Like it's a lot of the things that we just talked about. Just don't take it personal. Get involved in what they're involved in. That doesn't mean I'm going to hover over you, but really take an effort to see what they're into. My daughter right now, I mean, there is such a bad stigma of TikTok, right? And she loves watching it. And so as a mom, I want to understand what is it that she likes about it, you know, and I can easily say, oh, it's so bad. Like, you know, there's some things that obviously TikTok is not the best thing either.

but there are some good things about TikTok that I see that my daughter values. And those are the things that she focuses on. And I can't assume that she's engaged in the things that I don't want her to be involved in, right? And this is where, you know, if I understand what she likes so much about TikTok, and really she's a dancer, what she really loves is dancing and learning how to dance hip hop, right? She's a ballet dancer. She wants to learn hip hop and TikTok is such a great way to do that. They're short bursts of dance. And so I've involved myself with that. I actually had her teach me, teach me a TikTok skit and we'll do it together, right? And that actually has brought us closer than any lecture or any advice that I could give her, right? It's just being in her world, being willing to understand and even be involved in it. It's not losing who I am. It's, I'd like to dance, but now I get to do it with her and she gets to teach me,

but also be in that world to teach her how to set boundaries of how, you know, it's really planting seeds like, oh, you know, do you think that was an appropriate one? Oh yeah, no, no, I don't follow this person. It gives her a decision to decide, you know, what's right and wrong for her with mom being in there instead of outside already judging something she doesn't know, right? She trusts me because I actually did the effort to really recognize like what this is all about. Why does she love it so much? And being intentional with that. And that has actually bridged a lot of the communication gaps that my daughter and I have, because she knows I'm not assuming from a distance, but because I'm engaging, I'm able to like kind of help guide her through without telling her what to do. Yeah, that's really good. That's super important. Another,

Another thing that it makes me think of is like the music that kids listen to nowadays, right? When I say nowadays, and it's interesting though, because I think back on the music that I listened to. And if my mom would have heard half of those or analyzed half of those lyrics, she would have been like, you're never listening to that. But I didn't really pay attention to those lyrics or even understand sometimes what the lyrics meant and how sexualized they weren't really work.

because I just liked the music. I liked dancing to it. I liked getting excited about it. But I think sometimes as parents nowadays, we're, we're reading way too much into some of the things they're interested in like Tik TOK or certain music or whatever. Yes. We filter it through the eyes of an adult and we forget that they don't see it like that because they don't have that experience yet. We do, but they don't. And of course that's why we're, we're guiding them because we do have some things that are non-negotiable, right?

Like that we need to filter that for them. But for the most part, this is how they gain their independence. And it's that, yeah, it's having those guardrails and letting them explore within that space we've allowed and quit trying to tighten the guardrails when we said we'd establish them out here, right? And that's what adolescence is all about is making those choices and learning from them.

like we got to let them explore it within the guardrails, right? Yes, for sure. That's a hard one when they, they know everything you kind of got to let the natural, let them figure it out. That girls develop a lot quicker than boys do. So they can develop as early as eight years old. And so I call it the change where our bodies start to change, get ready for reproduction. And so these hormone levels start to increase in our bodies where our bodies naturally respond. We start to develop, you know, breasts and all this stuff that happens with puberty. And emotionally, our daughters aren't quite there yet, right? They're noticing all these changes and don't know what to do with it. Right. And so at the same time, it's almost like their eyes open,

and they start to notice, like, injustices, social issues, politics become important, believe it or not, what's happening in the world are starting to matter. They're starting to think abstractly and starting to make goals for themselves and having desires of what they want, that it's so much coming at them. The one thing that they can do is shut down and let it go away. And so that's why a lot of girls and boys like the space of their room, because it kind of physically and literally shuts the world out.

And it's even harder now, nowadays with technology and social media, that it's also coming at them. And so that's where this disconnect naturally happens, because they're hypersensitive and aware of what's coming at them. and they don't know how to discern it, that they shut down. And that is the disconnect that happens during this time.

So us knowing that as parents, that this happens to them, we're the coach, we got to walk them through it delicately, gently, providing a safe space for them to process it all, right? They look to us, even if they shut us out, to help guide them, to provide that space. What kids really want, what our daughters really want is they want to know that they're loved and that they belong. And if we can accomplish those two things as moms, we've done more than what we think that we can. And we're not failing. Understanding that that's what's happening to our daughters during puberty. And again, as you're saying that it makes me think of, you know, when our kids are isolating or they're in their room so much,

I think often we go to the, we got to get them out of their room. And so we see them going to their room as a problem. When really, what if we said to them, Hey, I noticed you were spending more time in your room. You must be feeling overwhelmed. You really need that time to just have that safe space. And, you know, I appreciate that you're doing that and you're taking care of yourself. So you're just really switching that thought, which also changes your message.

Exactly. And you're helping them identify why they're going to the room because they can't tell you why they're in their room before going in saying you're in your room too much. You're not doing anything, it's crushing them because they really can't give you an answer why they're in the room. They just know they feel safe. That's a great way to, so much of this is reframing, right? Right. It is reframing. It's a different perspective on how we can see our daughter and ourselves and our role in that to make it healthy, right? Because it's so easy to divide if we don't understand, if we don't look on the other side and see what they're really going through and be able to take that and spin it where it's not about me and how much you love me.

It's about, we love you and I want to work on our relationship. And this is how I can guide you through that. If we already know they're going to go through that, then why are we taking it personally? You know? Right. Oh, this has been so great. So before we get finished, I want to, I want you to share with us a little bit about how parents can get in touch with you. And you have a course called rooted right so how how can they get that sure so you can keep in touch with me i'm on instagram and i'm on facebook genie baldemero i know it's hard to spell and then you can also go my website geniebaldemero.com and there i have some free resources that you can sign up i have some tools on parenting um i have a tool that i actually use in my course the rooted program about establishing the three P's, privileges, possibilities, and possessions.

It's really teaching our girls and taking a spin on boundaries and what we give our girls and making it seem like it's for them. We're not against them. We're for them. And that these are privileges that we want to give them. But there are some boundaries that we need to set aside so that they can maintain and earn some responsibility towards independence with these privileges. So I have that and it's a contract as well, setting boundaries and consequences that you guys can discuss together, all in my free resource library with other things. That's how we can keep in touch. But also on my website, I have the rooted program. It's an eight week module that really talks a lot about what we've talked about today, but on a deeper level,

and it gives you resources and tools that you can immediately apply within your family and within your relationship with your daughter. Thank you so much, Jeannie. It's great that I love those three Ps. I think that, I mean, you nail it, right? The same again, privileges, possibilities, and possessions and possessions. I, yeah, I don't even have a daughter and I want to go check that out. Thank you so much for being here today. Oh, you're welcome. Thank you for having me. I loved having this conversation with you, especially being moms of both teenagers, right in this season. So we can use a lot of help and a lot of community, but also know that moms, you are not alone and we can do this. And that's the a hundred percent truth right there. We are not alone. And so it doesn't matter what your parenting struggle is, how small it might seem or how impossible it might seem. There is support and help for you. Parenting is hard. So go check Jeannie out at jeanniebaldomero.com. And Hey parents, if you like what you just heard and you're enjoying this podcast, the number one way that you can thank me today for bringing this guest and guests like Jeannie to you is just to simply subscribe or leave a quick review of the show. You know, icing on the cake would be to take a screenshot of the podcast and share it on your Instagram or other social media. Even just leaving a little thumbs up emoji in the comments sure

helps me and the algorithm. So I appreciate all your support. That's it for today. Thanks for joining me. I've got another great topic for you next week. Hugs and high fives, Jackie.