The Healing Power of Hugs: whether you like them or not with Jaci Finneman

Hey there, No Problem Parents. It's Jackie Fineman again. Welcome to another Self-Care Sunday on the No Problem Parenting Podcast. And today we're talking all things hugs. Done right, hugs do wonders for our well-being and our connection with our kids. So how many hugs do you need to get and give on a daily basis? Do you know how to hug? Does your child accept hugs when you give them to them? Or do they only want to hug on their terms? Do they hug you around the neck or do they only hug you in places where others can see them but at home they kind of reject your hugs and your affection? Do you like hugs? Do you make statements like I'm just not a hugger? Some people are huggers and they give hugs or attempt to give hugs to everybody but is that okay? And do we need to accept hugs from everyone or can we put up a boundary? Well I've got some insights for you today how to hug to get the most benefits from a hug and some things to consider about teaching your kids to hug.

Hey there, parents. Thanks for listening to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Are you losing your crap on your kids, yelling, giving in, and exhausted at the end of every day? You can start building confidence in your parenting immediately, whether your child is a toddler or all grown up and still living in your house. Don't make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. Register to become a No Problem Parent. It comes with an app so you can listen to the tips and tools just like you're listening to this podcast. Click the link in the show notes or go to NoProblemParents.com. Become a No Problem Parent today. All right, welcome back parents. Hey, have you heard the famous quote from the late family therapist, Virginia Satir? She says, we need four hugs a day for survival.

We need eight hugs a day for maintenance, and we need 12 hugs a day for growth. I learned this way back almost 30 years ago when I first learned about attachment disorders and breaks and attachment. And so for kiddos who have experienced trauma or early life separation from their caregivers or even medical pain, 12 hugs a day is best. But that said, it's not just the quantity of the hugs, it's the quality. You know, sometimes we hug for just a second or two when we're greeting someone and that's great. But today I'm talking about hugs that create connection, security and safety. We're all wired to connect to survive and hugs are a great way to connect with people right but they can also make us feel super vulnerable because of that connection and so it's important to get hugs from people that you feel safe with and trust. My specialty is in attachment issues, attachment disorders, breaks in attachment from things like early childhood abuse or neglect or medical pain, postpartum depression, things that happen when that first year of life bonding cycle didn't go so smoothly. And so if you have a kiddo who is rejecting your affection, your attention, your hugs, your touch, reach out to me. I know I can help. I can help educate you on why that is and some ways that you can bring in that connection without feeling rejection from your child. Let's start with three benefits of a hug and then we'll get into how to

hug and how to teach your kids to hug and how long to do it and all of that. The first benefit I want to talk about is that hugs are actually an immune booster. That's right. Hugs can boost our immune system. The pressure of a hug stimulates the thymus gland. It regulates white blood cell production, which can keep you healthy. Hugs actually balance your nervous system. They increase circulation and they promote a sense of balance between the fight, flight, freeze, and rest and digest responses. So hugs help us increase circulation and balance our sympathetic fight, flight, or freeze and our parasympathetic, the rest and digest nervous system. Probably the most obvious benefit of a hug is emotional nourishment. Hugs go beyond the physical touch.

They actually provide emotional nourishment to us too. They boost oxytocin levels. They alleviate feelings of loneliness and anger. Sharing a hug creates a sense of belonging. Hugs increase your feelings of safety and they emotionally feed us, which can help us remember that we're not alone, helps us feel more trust with others. In fact, have you ever noticed how relaxed and calm you feel after a hug? Hugs are a reminder that we're not alone and together we can face any challenge.

We can get through the hard things. Hugs increase our feelings of belonging, boosting oxytocin levels actually helps us heal those feelings of loneliness or isolation and even anger. It helps for the huggy, the person being hugged, but also for the person that's offering the hug. So it's this giving and receiving of affection that helps decrease anxiety and improve our self-esteem, which leads me to number three, the self-esteem boost. Remember the warmth you felt as a child when your parents looked at you with affection and gave you hugs? Well, hugs create that sense of being seen and loved, noticed and recognized, which will increase feelings of self-esteem, importance, and self-love. Okay, so those are the three benefits. Now let's get into how to give an intentional hug. For many of us, it's just sort of a learned thing. We learned it as young kids.

The hugs felt good, and so we just grew up continuing to give them, but that's not always the case for everybody. Some families weren't huggers, and so we didn't naturally learn how to hug. And then when we were around other people that were naturally huggers, the hug kind of felt awkward and it didn't necessarily produce the same response as somebody who grew up in a home where hugs felt good. And many people will say that there's no wrong way to give a hug, but for kids and adults that haven't had positive experiences with hugs or weren't held or hugged enough in their early childhood, I'd say those people would beg to differ with you. So I often teach people how to hug and not because I want them to do it correctly. Rather, I want to help them feel more comfortable and confident so that they can truly get the benefits that hugs can provide. As I share some examples of how to hug, keep in mind that the average hug is usually around three seconds and some people only just do a quick kind of touch and let go while other people hug for 10 seconds or even 20 seconds, but who's counting, right? Have you ever hugged for 20 seconds? Well, a 20 second hug before doing something like super challenging or stressful can ease tension and relax your central nervous system. If you haven't paid attention to how long your hugs are, this is kind of a fun exercise to try with your kids or your partner. And while most of us don't time our

hugs or count during a hug, it is kind of a fun experiment to see how long you are hugging and the feelings you have after the shorter hug versus the longer hug. So how do we hug to get the most benefit? And again, I'm talking about hugs that you're giving to your loved ones, close family, and friends. A good hug should be wholehearted. You're really embracing each other with your full bodies touching, no butt sticking out, arms and shoulders and head. Everything is really relaxed.

You trust this person and you are ready. Now, if you have a kiddo who isn't very trusting, They're pretty stiff. Even like as an infant, maybe they're pretty stiff when you do a hug. Or as a toddler, they want a hug when they want it.

But when you offer it, they're not reciprocating that hug. Reach out to me. I can help you with that. For children, parents' arms over the child can express safety and security.

Not power, but safety and security. Kids that are hugging around their parents' neck, which often our littles do. So again, take this with a grain of salt. If you've got a, you know, well-connected and bonded child, you don't have to worry so much about that.

But if you've got a kiddo who's putting their arms around your neck and like pulling you down and it doesn't feel good, this can be an indicator that your child is unsure if you are safe. And so they need to be in control of the hug. What you want to do then is just readjust their arms, let them know it's okay, put your arms over the top and just kind of pull them in and let them know, hey, buddy, I've got you. You're safe.

It's okay. reciprocal hugs where both parties are feeling really safe and connected to the other person or to each other having one arm up above the other person's shoulder and the other arm down below so it's almost like a crisscross right hug that is an indicator that both parties are equal and unified and feeling comfortable and secure with each other now another thing to keep in mind to kind of increased the level of connection and to know that you are super connected to this person is hugging heart to heart or left shoulder to left shoulder. So your heads are opposite of each other when you're going in for the hug, right? And your left ear would be next to the other person's left ear. So this is called the heart to heart hug. So pay attention. Notice this with your current hugs.

is your go-to hug a heart-to-heart connected hug, left shoulder to left shoulder, or is it more right to right shoulder? If you're not doing the heart-to-heart left shoulder to left shoulder, try changing it up a little bit with your kids and your loved ones. You'll be surprised at the difference that it makes in the intentionality of the hug and in your relationship. And then also remember to take a breath and relax with intention when you're giving a hug. Really do a pause while giving that hug and or receiving that hug. Notice your arms and your shoulders relaxing instead of just hugging super tight, which of course that's a fun thing to do too, especially if you haven't seen somebody in a long time or you're super excited to see them. Sometimes we go in for just more of that pressure, you know, like pulling each other close and hugging super tight and then you'll feel that relaxed, almost release. Instead of letting go at that point, hold on for just a little bit longer. In fact, hold the hug until the huggy is ready to let go. So if you're the hugger and you go in and you're hugging that person and you can feel them relax and then you can feel that they're starting to pull away or push away, that's when the hug is done. Or you can ask if they can hold on for a little longer instead of just making them ask, can we hug just a little longer? Can I have just a little more. Sometimes what I've done is I've held on longer and say, I'm stuck, I'm

stuck. And then I just get another couple little soft squeezes in and we usually laugh or have a little chuckle because I'm stuck. Kids love that. I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I can't let go. And so you get a little longer of a hug and that's super fun. So practice this with your kiddos. Hugging releases oxytocin, which is like the love hormone. It reduces stress and it promotes bonding. So create meaningful hugs rather than just going through the motion of a hug intellectually. Be intentional and relational to get the best benefits. All right, so how do we get more hugs in our lives?

Well, create a hug habit. Start out first thing in the morning when you greet your kids or your partner and you're going to say, hey, good morning and go over and give them a hug. Anytime you are reconnected throughout the day, after school, daycare, or work, and then again in the evening. If you do that even just those three times a day, that's three hugs right there. So you're well on your way. Now, if you're a single parent or your partner's already left for work for the day, or you don't see each other as often, right away when you wake up, hug yourself. Yep, that still works. Put your hand on your heart, your other hand on your stomach, take a few deep breaths, maybe incorporate some affirmations or declarations while you're doing that. That works and counts as a hug. You can actually stroke your own arms and shoulders and really get your circulation going, squeeze yourself, give yourself a nice big hug and make that intentional throughout your day. It can seem weird, but nobody's watching you when you're at home and you're by yourself. So who cares? Just give yourself a well-deserved hug. All right. So if your child is not super comfortable hugging, and again, I have many clients who have kiddos who have experienced early life medical pain and touch from adults hurt them because of IVs and finger pricks and all the things that they went through early on. So they learned that adults

inflict pain and there's some break in attachment or trust there. And also kiddos who have been in foster care or who have been in orphanages and then were adopted. It holds true for them as well. So sometimes hugging, it's not that they want to reject you. It's just, it's really scary for them.

And it might be you as the adult that you're not a hugger because you experienced something in your early life. We can retrain our brain and we can practice this until it starts to feel really natural and good from the inside out. So if you have a kiddo who's not a natural hugger or is kind of rejecting that, there are other things that you can do. Sit back to back on the floor, leaning against one another for, you know, an extended period of time. Maybe you're playing something opposite of each other on the floor, like Legos, making a creation. And then as soon know, as one of you is done with the creation, you turn around and show each other. That's one way, even just a hand on a shoulder or messing with their hair a little bit as they come by or sitting next to them on the couch while you're reading a book or doing something. All of that is good touch and can be considered a hug, especially as we're teaching our kiddos to hug or we're becoming more comfortable with that ourselves. And then another thing that works is a weighted blanket for adults and for kids. Weighted blankets are a great way to feel the pressure, the same kind of pressure that we get from a hug. And there are also things called compression sheets. They're very lightweight and they're stretchy. And so they move with you easy if you're tossing and turning or, you know,

you need to start on your stomach and then end up on your side and or your back at the end of the night. Compression sheets do that same kind of thing where they feel like you're getting a hug. It's just less pressure than a weighted blanket. If you have a pet, hugging your pet definitely counts.

It's going to do the same thing. So remember, the goal is oxytocin and serotonin release. Hugs are not just physical gestures. They're powerful tools for overall health and connection.

So if you haven't already, intentionally create times in your day to hug your kids, your partner and yourself and let the healing power of hugs bring joy and calm into your day. If you have any questions, no two families are alike and no two situations are alike. There is a link in the show notes for you to book a 30 minute call with me and you're going to get, there's a link in the show notes to book a 30 minute call with me and you'll get the no problem parent training included in that call. All right, you guys, until next time, hugs and high fives.

You got this. All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode, click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost.

Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool. Go to noproblemparents.com. Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.

So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this.