I’m Sorry isn’t Enough! Introducing the Make It Right Technique

Hey, parents, welcome back to the No Problem Parenting podcast, where we choose to deal with and overcome the emotional and behavioral problems in our home. Hi, I'm Jackie Fineman, 30-year paraprofessional turned counselor turned parent coach, and I'm here to help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. I believe we can strengthen our relationship with our kids even in the midst of problems. No problem parents say, hey problem, I see you over there trying to put a wedge in my relationship with my kids.

I got this. No problem. I've created this podcast for you, the determined, loving, and well-meaning parent who gets frustrated, feels sorry for, or just doesn't feel good enough. The mom or dad that wants off the fear bus of all things parenting and is frankly sick and tired of fearing for your child's future.

You are ready to deal with and overcome the challenges in your home, and I'm here for you. Join our brand new no-problem parenting community. Learn how to turn your family's day-to-day problems and the bigger overwhelming problems into no problem. I promise you there is a solution.

I'm excited to share behavioral strategies, supportive resources, and parenting stories so that you can feel empowered and become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. All right, parents, welcome to another episode. Hey, I just had to hop on and do an episode with just me. I have been so grateful that many people have reached out to me to share their resources with you, my no problem parents. And I've been doing so many guest interviews. I have like eight more in queue and I'm super excited to bring you some new resources, services, and products, very fun products. You're going to hear about a new product in our episode next week. I'm so excited to share this new product for the kiddos. An exciting new product out on the market that has just hit the United States this past fall. So you're going to want to listen into episode number 24 next week. But for now, I just wanted to come on here quick and check in with you. How are you doing? And I wanted to share with you the make it right technique. Parents, how many of you tell your kids to say sorry? I think that's most of us, right? I mean, it's so natural for us. Our kid hurts somebody's feelings or does something wrong. And the first thing we do is say, hey, you say you're sorry. Well, that's awesome. That's great. We want our kids to apologize to somebody when they've done something wrong or they've hurt someone else. But saying sorry is really just

the icing on the cake. If in the moment the kid is upset, which is why they hurt another kid or backtalked or did whatever, chances are they're in that fight, flight, or freeze part of their brain and they're not really feeling very sorry for what they've done. It's going to take a minute for them to kind of calm down and put things into perspective before they can really authentically apologize for what happened. And so a way to help them get there, a way to help them naturally say I'm sorry without you needing to provoke that apology is to use the make it right technique.

And in the show notes, I'm going to have a free download for you so that you can click on that and review it and practice it. Practice it in the mirror, practice it with your supportive partner or spouse and before you use it with your kids. The make it right technique is all about teaching our kids that when you make a mistake, when you hurt someone's feelings, or when you do something wrong, there's a way for you to make it up to that person or to make it right. And it's not just about apologizing and, you know, moving on and kind of giving a flippant, oh, sorry. If there is an apology that comes, it should be an I'm sorry and a will you forgive me.

But even before that, let's use this make it right technique. Now, a quick disclaimer, I only want you to use this technique after you and your child are calm. In the problem behavior, the thing that they did wrong or the attitude, like the negative attitude they have, is over. Be sure that neither of you are in fight or flight mode when you're using this technique. Now, if you or the child become upset while having the conversation about the make it right technique or how the child's going to make it right, stop the technique, take a pause, and try again later.

I talked about the pause in episode one. So if you haven't learned about the pause, quote unquote, technique, go back and listen to episode one. The goal of this technique, of the make it right technique, is for the child to make right what they did wrong, making it up to you or whoever they wronged. But it's not to punish them.

I'm not a believer in punishment. You are teaching that when we make a mistake or cause a problem for others, we can correct the mistake and make it up to the people that were involved or affected. Now, this can be used with any person your child's behavior causes a problem for, including siblings, teachers, classmates, coaches, you as the parent, or whoever else. And if you're not sure whether it's an appropriate technique for your situation, be sure to check in with me.

Send me an email at admin at helloworldmn.com and ask me the question. We'll problem solve together. Now, step one of the make it right technique is after the behavior is over, I want you to ask your child, what happened?

and then allow your child to answer. When your child answers accurately, honestly, and actually says what they did, for example, I hit my brother or I stayed out past curfew. Step two is for you, the parent, to say, now get this, I want you to say, good job being honest or good job telling the truth. In my No Problem Parenting course, you learn all about the difference between unconditional and conditional positives. And in that response of good job being honest or good job telling the truth, you've given an unconditional good job and a conditional being honest, a fact, or telling the truth, a fact in that statement. So you're using an unconditional and conditional positive in that statement. Then step three is saying, what are you going to do to make it right?

And you can say this with curiosity, not anger. So it's not, now what are you going to do to make it right? It's more like, hey, what are you going to do to make it right? Or another way of saying it is, what are you going to do to make it up to your brother?

Or what are you going to do to make it up to me, the mom or dad that had to stay up late because you missed curfew and we were worried and wondering where you were? Now, if the child says after this step three question, if they say, I don't know, or this is stupid. You can say something like, would you like some ideas? That's step four. Would you like some ideas? If they say, no, this is stupid. I don't want to do it. You say, hey, no problem.

Get back to me when you're ready. And then you wait. Now that's called delay the consequences. More about that in the online no problem parenting program. But if the child says, yeah, I don't know what to do and they want some ideas, then you give them two to three ideas. It's best if you have some of these ideas prepared before you even start this conversation. That way, even if you don't need to offer ideas, maybe the kid says they've got an idea. I'm going to pick up the mess that my brother made. I'm going to clean up his toys. I'm going to clear his dinner dishes. I'm going to play with him for a while and be kind to him, whatever it is. If they have something that they already know they want to do to make it up to their brother or the other person they harmed,

that's great it's awesome you get to go right to step five and step five is just saying good job handling it right if they've handled it on their own you can give them a hug or a high five and you say sounds like a plan good job making it right again we got the unconditional and conditional positive in there and then life goes on you keep her moving as we say in the midwest if the same thing happens they go back they hit their brother again the next time they go out they miss curfew hey, rinse and repeat this technique. No need to get angry. You're teaching a valuable natural lesson that your kids will learn from and later thank you for. Maybe a few, you know, weeks, months, or years down the road, but eventually they'll thank you for this. Remember, it's okay if the child needs you to follow through with this several times in a row. The learning happens with repetition and follow through. You know, sometimes when kids misbehave the same way, we think the technique isn't working? Not true. Some kids need the experience to happen and be followed through with several times to learn the cause and effect for their behavior. As we say, no problem. All right, so make a list ahead of time of several things that your child can do to make things right that they've done wrong, whether it's random acts of kindness for you or the person they harmed,

or it's an extra chore picking up the slack for somebody else that they harmed, or it's doing something kind for them. The make it right technique teaches our kids that when they make a mistake, they can make it up to that person. They can correct their problem. Life can move on.

We don't need to be rubbing salt in the wounds. All right. So for more on the make it right technique, go into the show notes, click the link to get your free download. Parents, I have so many wonderful guests coming up on the show.

I'm so excited to share this podcast with you. It is a free resource. And if you're interested in becoming a No Problem Parent, I've set up an option for you to try it out for one month. By registering to become a No Problem Parent and join our membership community, you can try out the No Problem Parenting online course and membership community for one month for just $47.

If after that first month you say, hey, I think I got everything I need. I've watched the course. I've done it all. And I think I'm good to go.

you can actually cancel your subscription. There is an option for you to pay in full and you'll get a full year's worth of membership to the No Problem Parenting community. But hey, I get it. Sometimes it's an investment and you're like, I'm not really sure if I'm going to follow through and use the techniques. I'm not sure if I'm going to watch the whole course or if I'm going to stay on track. Life is busy and I get distracted. So there is an option for you to just purchase one month and try it out. Each month I'm going to hop on for a quick half an hour of live Q&As.

So even if you don't have a question that you want me to answer, you might want to jump on those live meetings so that you can hear from other parents and learn about some of the things that they're using to turn their family's problems into a no problem. I hope you're enjoying the resources and the services and products and supportive things that I'm sharing with you on this podcast. And the number one way you can thank me for putting this podcast out there is by subscribing and leaving a quick review of the show.

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