Parenting Aging Parents; The Sandwich Generation with Special Guests Kim and Mike Barnes

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Today, we are going to talk all things parenting, aging parents. What a topic, what a subject. I'm actually super excited to talk about this today because I think it is not talked about enough. I've brought on my special guests, Kim and Mike Barnes. They are award-winning newscasters from Austin, Texas. But after leaving TV, they found themselves helping their aging parents more and more dealing with Alzheimer's and pacemakers, cancer surgery, all kinds of health issues as they navigate long distance caregiving. They launched a Facebook group in April of 2021 called Parenting Aging Parents in an effort to help others that are trying to help their parents.

The group includes expert interviews, resources, and a community of support. Mike and Kim have a couple of grown children, and as I said, live in Austin, Texas. I'm super excited to have you guys here today. Welcome to the show.

Thank you. We're so glad to be with you. It's good to be here. I actually met you guys through Barnes Media when I was back in the day a few years ago when I was just starting to put myself out online and do live events and things like that.

I learned so much from you at that point. I tend to keep my chin down now when I'm on the camera. That's a Mike tip. That was one of the big takeaways for me. But yeah, so then eventually you guys kind of thought, hey, there's some support needed in this area. We're helping to care for or support our aging parents. And as you talk about that with other people, you started to learn there's other people dealing with the same kinds of stuff. And now you've created this Facebook group. I want to hear the whole story, how you decided to start this and kind of what you're doing now.

It's been a long time coming in some ways, but not necessarily anything that we would have expected we'd be doing. Yeah, I kind of get the credit or the blame, depending on how you want to look at it. Because my mom has Alzheimer's, and as we all know, Alzheimer's is not an overnight type of thing. So she started showing some signs about 10 years ago or so.

And as it got slowly, very slowly, worse and worse and worse, my sister and I talked to my dad about first they needed to move from the house they lived in about an hour east of Dallas, so out in the country. They need to move somewhere where meals were provided into independent living. And my dad was a little reluctant, but they moved and things were great. But mom's Alzheimer's was getting worse.

And we talked to dad again and said, mom needs to move to memory care. Not today, not tomorrow, but pretty soon we need to start talking about it. And he was all agreeable and said, y'all are in charge. So my sister and I went and looked, this was in the fall of 2019, put him kind of in perspective.

We went and looked at four memory care places very close to the independent living place where they live. And I went in with the attitude like this is going to be easy. Yeah, I know my mom. I'm going to figure out what's a good closet for her clothes, that type of thing.

It's like looking for an apartment when I was in my 20s. And I walk in to all four of the places, and they were very nice, but they start throwing all these acronyms out about UTI, AL, and all that. I'm like, I don't know what any of that means. It's a whole new language.

and I drove home from that escapade, I guess you could say, and told Kim immediately, I felt so overwhelmed. I felt I was prepared. Most people don't feel prepared, so they're going to be really overwhelmed. So why don't we start some type of maybe a Facebook group or something just to help people? Yes. And he's so, so sweet. And, you know, just always thinking of ways that we can help other people. And at the time, my first thought was, well, gosh, that doesn't sound like very fun stuff to talk about because it's tough stuff. And, you know, and, and as a former journalist, I love doing, you know, telling stories and, and doing interviews and finding out information, but that was not necessarily a topic that I'd ever thought let's, let's really dive deep into. However, as we watched, and as I listened to what people said, and actually probably more of what people didn't say in that year following, we, you know, we, we kind of,

we put it on the back burner a little bit at first, just because once COVID hit, we were super busy as we, you know, as we met you with our Barnes T Media business, because we were doing so much coaching and training and all of that, because everybody was on camera all of a sudden. So it kind of got put on the back burner and it wasn't until they actually moved Mike's mom, because that took a year and a half before. It took almost a year and a half, just because, not because anything was bad, but because my dad had to be behind it 100%, because we didn't want to move mom.

and a day later or a week later, dad goes and picks her up because he misses her so much. So it took a while for him to be on board completely, which was fine. We wanted that to happen, but she finally moved in March of 21. And when that happened, Kim saw the comments and realized that so many people are in the same boat that we are. Yeah. He posted just one thing on social media about what a tough day that was to drop his mom off because he and his sister dropped her off and I stayed with his dad. And what I noticed though, was in addition to, of course, the empathy that people expressed, the number of people who said, I'm right there with you.

I've done the same thing, or I see it in my future. And also during that timeframe, I was listening to and finding out that, you know, I had one friend whose mom had had brain surgery, another friend whose mom had, had, had been diagnosed with Parkinson's. And I didn't know it at the time because nobody talks about it because we all were in this own little, our own little bubble. and so there was, so there's that. And in that timeframe too, I had been stepping in and helping with my mom more and more too, who is single. And so that creates different challenges than even with Mike's parents being married and having to sort of separate them, if you will. But so we just, I just finally said, okay, I think you're right. There's, there's a huge need and nobody talks about it. And if we don't talk about it, we can't help each other. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And I,

My dad is 77 years old. My father-in-law is 84. Both have living independently, doing just great. And so you kind of don't really think to have the conversations because things are going well.

And then you go, but what happens when they're not? How can we prepare? There is going to come a time when, whether it's an illness or just aging, you know, that they're going to need extra help from us. And how do we even prepare for that?

What are some things that we can do? And I know that you guys have five suggestions for things that we can do to prepare. So I thought, let's bring you on and hear about those and those listening who are in the thick of it, but also, you know, in that stage of, it could be three, five, you know, 10 years down the road, but we want to be prepared. Well, and some of these conversations are almost not ever too early to start having, especially because they can be a little bit more lighthearted.

and not have to be so in crisis mode of, oh my gosh, we have to make a decision today or tomorrow to do something. So we can have conversations even with our children, you know, in their twenties and just say, hey, we've been talking about this. So, you know, what are your thoughts about this? Then that at least starts the conversation and it makes it not to be that, oh, we have to have this big talk kind of thing.

It can be just sort of a gradual progression. And as things change, then obviously you can make adjustments, But it just starts to have the start having those conversations. So it feels like a normal part of communicating with your kids versus something extra special. Yeah. First thing that you need to do is talk to your siblings, especially if it's a big family.

If you're by yourself, the good news is you don't have to talk to anybody. The bad news is you have to do all the work. Right. But if you have siblings and Kim and I each only have one sibling, I have a sister, she has a brother.

but the fact that we're basically on the same page, you know, it doesn't mean we agree completely about everything, but we understand about, okay, where does mom need to go? Or where does dad need to go? Or what do we need to do? Because when you don't agree on things, when one sibling says, Oh no, mom and dad need to live at home or mom and dad need to live with me.

And the other one says, no, they need to go to independent living or assisted living. Then things are going to be kind of disruptive. A you're not going to be able to get things done, but B, there's going to be a little friction in the family because you're not agreeing. And the challenge that we see, especially within our community is the, and just with people in general, is that there's family dynamics involved. And so once you throw in sort of the strange things that might've happened when you were kids, as far as who is the one that was always the troublemaker, they were the one, they were the kid that always got their way, or they were the favorite, or they mom and dad always bailed them out or whatever it is,

all of those sort of personality challenges or, you know, good and bad just come back tenfold, if you will, now that we're all adults. And so it's being mindful of that as well, that how do we work together and knowing that you're trying to work together for a common purpose is so important and figuring out how do we do this in a way that, that we get to hopefully honor what our parents wishes would be and the way they would want to be cared for, but be able to agree at the same time. And it can, we have seen, it can cause a lot of, a lot of friction, which is really hard. So figuring out how do you, how do you do that? And again, those conversations having early starting those early can really help too, but yeah,

just, it brings up a lot of, a lot of family issues. Yeah. The second thing you need to talk about is housing and where do mom or dad want to live or expect to live or who are they going to live with? When, when, when I was in, I guess it was in eighth grade, I was 13 years old. My grandfather had a stroke and because of that, he eventually, he recovered fairly well, but then he had to live in a nursing home. Well, when I first started, when my sister and I first started talking to my dad about y'all need to move from the house you're living in into an independent living. Again, he's, he's very nice and agreeable, loves us, but. Well, he knew it'd be better for your mom. And he knew it'd be better for my mom, but in his mind, he's picturing the nursing home.

It was almost like a hospital that my grandfather lived in. Then he goes and looks at the independent living and sees how nice it is. And it's like, oh my gosh, son, this is the best move we've ever made. So, you know, looking at the options helps a lot. And just knowing also what their, what their desires would be, but also what they are open to. If things aren't, you know, because of, we'll talk about this too, but if, you know, if the finances aren't in a situation where you can afford to live in this type of an environment or bring in 24-7 care at home, because that can get really expensive really fast, what are they open to if we have to make adjustments? And then finances would be...

That ties into finances because you need to know as the kid, you need to know basically how much money mom and dad have. Because one of the I guess you could say not worst thing, but an embarrassing sort of thing is that you go, oh, mom, dad, y'all need to move into this great independent living place. It's only forty five hundred dollars. It's usually like six thousand, but forty five hundred dollars.

Oh, it's going to be great. Great room. Great apartment. Three meals a day. Oh, it's going to be great.

And then mom and dad say, we only get $2,000 a month from Social Security. We can't afford that. So, oh, no. You need to have an idea of what mom and dad can afford.

Now, it doesn't have to be down to the penny, but it could help if you know everything because know what kind of debt they have, what they own, the income they get, whether it's from Social Security or a pension or anything like that. It just helps. And yes, some parents are very, very private about their money. And I know that personally, because my dad was an accountant for 50 years.

And he is incredibly, incredibly secretive about the money he has and is incredibly tight with his money as well. But in fact, when I was a kid, I had no idea how much money he made. So one time when we're buying a car and the salesman or the finance person says, Mr. Barnes needs to know how much money you make for this, for filling out this application.

And my dad leans in and says, how much do I need to make to buy this car? Oh, fun. Guy gives him a number. And my dad says, that's how much I make.

Right. Oh, that's genius. Oh, my gosh. Wow.

But now my dad is so open. He gives my sister and me basically statements that show every investment, every bit to the penny, how much money he has just to show. And he says, I just want you to have this. So, you know, if something happens to me, the mom's taken care of.

Right. Because he cares for my mom so much. And that's why he's so open about it. And I think that the biggest thing with finance is because so many people are very private about it.

And I think our parents' generation, very much so, is also having to think about it coming from the perspective of, I'm not trying to be nosy. I'm not trying to see, you know, are you leaving me anything when you pass someday? It's not like you're trying to be nosy in that way. It's more just knowing this information can help us better advise, better care and prepare for what your future might look like.

Because unfortunately, the finances drive so many decisions. Hey, parents, would you like to worry less and keep your cool with your kids? Are you ready to gain your kids respect and trust without having to teach them a lesson? If you're willing to step up as a leader for your family with confidence that creates curiosity in your kids and gets them paying attention to what you say, you're going to want to head over to NoProblemParents.com.

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We see so many people in our community who have parents living with them because that's the only option financially. They can't, they're not doing well living on their own anymore. They need more help and more eyes on them, if you will, or assistance, but they can't afford any other option because 24 seven care is really expensive. Going to a community can be really expensive because a lot of people don't realize independent living, assisted living memory care for the most part, it's all private pay. You pay, you pay out of pocket. So unfortunately the finances do drive everything. Right. Right. So number three is finances. Number four, number four is legal.

You need to have everything in place for the will, a power of attorney, medical directive, stuff like that, because those are in some ways the most important, because by the time you need them, it's too late. If you don't already have one. Yeah. And I think those are probably the conversations that are most easily had early, right? Because you can, because that's just a, that's sort of a, I feel like that's just kind of part of being a responsible adult is, or a responsible parent for our own children, as well as for our, you know, for our parents wanting to be responsible in some ways to make sure that they're some of their wishes stated, which leaves, you know, less room for error or misinterpretation. So those are questions that you can ask more easily where it's not, it's not in a, you know, because you don't want to wait to the crisis. Cause once somebody is, you know, we'll have people in the group, we'll say,

Hey, mom has, you know, advanced dementia. Do we really need a POA power of attorney, a medical or a durable financial one. And the fact is, is at that point, that person can't sign one anymore because they're not going to be considered and have the capacity to do that. And so it's too late. And you'll get the courts involved and it can get really complicated, complicated and expensive. It really is a gift. And when you say that, you think, oh, well, yeah, it's a will. So I'm going to get lots of money. No, no, no, no, no. It has nothing to do with that. It's a gift that parents are giving to their kids to have everything set up so that They don't have to worry about anything.

When that crisis comes, unfortunately, it comes for all of us. When that crisis comes, you don't have to worry about, oh, my gosh, do we have a we don't have a power of attorney. How do we do this? How do we pay bills?

Oh, wait, that doesn't have a will. This is going to go through probate and a judge for years. Oh, my gosh. How do we do this?

No, you don't have to worry about that. You can focus on the crisis at hand, which, again, lowers the crisis level for you, the child. Right. Yeah, that makes such such great sense.

I can see, Kim, why at first you were like, this doesn't sound like a very fun topic. It's tough stuff. I mean, once you start trying to understand what's the difference between Medicaid and Medicare and, you know, because so many of these topics are, and all of them, I think for me, are things that you've heard of, you know, you've heard of them on the news, you've heard people talk about it, but until you actually start diving into them, trying to understand all the nuances and the things that are different, you know, city by city, county by county, state by state, country by country, it gets so overwhelming and confusing.

The problem comes, to me, it's a lot like having a baby. Because I don't know about most people, but when Kim and I had our first baby back in 97, I had no idea what I was doing. Kim knew how to change the diaper. She had to teach me. But everyone under the sun, friends, neighbors, relatives, coworkers, everyone had advice. What you need to do to help the baby sleep through the night. Oh, the baby has gas. Here's what you need to do. The baby's going to start crawling.

here's what you do they all everyone wants to help but when you have an aging parent it's kind of depressing so no one wants to talk about it you don't walk up to your neighbor and say yeah mom has alzheimer's at stage six she didn't remember me got any advice like no you don't do that because it's so depressing so so because that nobody likes to talk about it so so having it a little bit more open just helps everyone i i just love this mission that you guys are on i have so many things I want to talk about, but I want to finish up the five. So let's get to number five.

Number five is kind of the funniest because it sounds silly, but it's true in this world that we live in passwords. Oh, you need to know passwords because imagine, imagine if like your dad, imagine if something happened to your dad to where he goes into the hospital and he can't do anything. Okay. Who, if he lives in a house with a yard, who cuts his yard?

Well, that's something that's probably in his iPhone to where he's got the number of little Johnny down the street who cuts his yard. Well, I can't get into his iPhone because I don't have the password. Can you get to his computer to get to his email to see any bills that are coming in? Can you get to his bank to pay a bill? There's so many passwords out here in today's computer age.

And if you don't have them, you're lost. And I use the passwords in some ways to be able to help assist my mom in other ways too. I'll go into her email and just check and try to pull out all of those spammy scams that are, that she gets in her email every single day so that she doesn't accidentally click on something and end up giving bank account information or things like that, because we have had some scams in the past, but it's so prevalent. I just, I took a screenshot of one yesterday that we got in our email that was, Hey, thanks for this purchase at PayPal of $382. If you don't agree with it, click here. And it's like, Oh my gosh. And so you can see how they are such easy targets, if you will. So, you know, I use it to be able to go in and,

an assist, or I can go in and check when her credit card gets charged, I get a notification. So I can go in and double check that, yes, that's a legitimate charge. Again, when you really start thinking about it, about what you go through, what your mom and dad go through, you realize there are so many passwords or so many codes or something that they use. If you go to your dad's house, because he's gone, he's in the hospital, and you need to go in the house and there's an alarm. Do you know the alarm code? Stuff like that, that it seems kind of silly.

But again, when that crisis hits, if it'll lower the crisis level and keep things a little bit easier, it helps so, so much. Yeah. Oh, man, I'm envisioning a checklist of sorts or something that we need to just kind of go through. So what do I see behind you? The podcast is only audio, so we'll have to paint the picture for the audience here.

But tell us about that. We created what's called the Caregiver's Key, and it's a guide for gathering essential information. And we created it really for a place to house all that information that we just talked about. That way you can have everything in one place.

And part of it's because I have had a file folder with all these loose leaf pieces of paper, sticky notes, trying to keep track of doctor's appointments. You know, when did she have this medication? Did she have a shingle shot? You know, all of those kinds of things.

So it's everything from what is the alarm code to who mows the grass to what doctors do they have? What prescriptions are they on? What's their blood type? What bank accounts, what pensions, where's insurance, life insurance, health insurance, your Medicare, anything like that.

Again, where you can keep it all in one place. And it doesn't mean you have to keep all the documents or will or power of attorney in there. But just so you know where it is, because especially if you have if you have siblings and you need to you need to get to that power of attorney. Dad's in the hospital. I need to get to that power of attorney.

Well, where is it? Oh, well, it's in it's in the safe in dad's closet or it's in this file and dad's and dad's file cabinet. Well, you know, whatever it is. But that way, you know where everything is.

You know, the information and the location of everything. This caregiver's key is like I'm getting this today. This is brilliant. Twenty five bucks. It is going to put all this information.

Like you said, the notes of where things are. So not necessarily having to have the actual documents in there, but it's in this safe. And here's the combination for that. Yes.

Yes. A couple other things about the key that I really like is number one, it can kind of help spur on your parents to think about things because my mom and dad were incredibly forward thinking because years ago, I want to say it was 15 or maybe 20 years ago, they paid for the place where they're going to be buried, which is actually above ground. So it's where Mickey Mantle is. So they joke about Mickey Mantle's on the first floor and we're going to be on the penthouse.

Oh, well. So they laugh about that. But they have everything taken care of. They paid for the casket.

They paid for everything. Everything is done. So my sister and I don't have to worry about that. And yet, right after we moved mom into memory care, dad and I were eating lunch when I was up there visiting.

And I said, dad, have you and mom ever talked about what you want in your funeral, your memorial service? But did you ever talk about hymns or Bible verses or who you want to speak or anything like that? And he's like, no, not really. It's like, oh, here, let me make a copy of this page from the caregiver's key and just fill it out at your leisure.

Again, that was two years ago and he's barely touched it. But anything that he puts on there is something I don't have to worry about later on. Right. Again, helps us so, so much because those are going to be crisis moments.

And if there's less of a crisis, then it's going to be better for us. And I've heard from several people who've used the caregiver's key as a great way to open the conversation with their parents. And one person in particular shared with me that she was able to sort of sit down and say like, hey, dad, let's fill this out together. It made it less that she was being nosy.

in the air. Exactly. It was just sort of a matter of fact, like, okay, here's the information it asked for. Who's your investment advisor? Or you're a veteran, so what information do we need to know about that? So it gives you just a place to be able, so it helps you have that kind of conversation so that it feels more just matter of fact, rather than being really trying to get in your business, if you will, so it can make it easy to start the conversation. And the other thing that and I told Kim just about a couple of weeks ago that I thought about that I think is really good is that for something like, well, you can do it with almost anything that's in here, but something like for cars and you're supposed to write down, you know, do you have a car? You know,

do you have the title? You know, where is the key and that type of thing. But there's a note section on the other side where you can just start talking to mom or dad or whoever you're talking to and say, when was your first car? What was it? And you just write down some memories and kind of get the conversation going. So it's not like you're grilling them the entire time about now, where's that bank account? How much money's in there? And that type of thing. It's like, do you remember the first time you had a checkbook? I mean, what was that like? Oh yeah.

I remember back in 1957. Oh, write that down. It's a great memory for you to have and to share with the rest of the family. That is brilliant. And I just, we just launched our, our second book of no problem parenting resources and stories that create confidence and connection. And one of the authors in our book, Ruthann Warnick. She has a company called Capturing the Journey.

And I'd love to pair your guys' companies up because it's a great way to start having some of those conversations and stories. It's kind of a twofer, I guess is what I'm getting at. Yeah, exactly. Love to connect you guys together. I almost want to make this a two-part episode because there's just not enough time to get into everything. One of the topics I'd like to talk about is how it can feel so alone, especially if you have little kids at home or teens at home, And then your parents are either living with you or you're caring for them as well.

And, you know, we call that the sandwich generation, right, Kim? We were just talking about that a little bit earlier before recording how it can feel like nobody's having those conversations. Step three of no problem parenting is all about changing the conversation. And so between the caregiver's key and the Facebook community that you have, I think you're doing that.

And I really appreciate that. Let's talk about the loneliness of parenting aging parents. I think the biggest challenge is that it can happen at different times for all of us. And I think that's where it can feel maybe not every one of my friends is going through the same thing.

My dad passed away in his early 60s. I was in my early 30s and had young children. Well, most of my friends weren't going through that same journey. So it was harder for them to understand.

And I think with parents, the biggest challenge is that versus with children, they're sort of developmental expectations. And we know that most kids at around two are going to hit the terrible twos when they're a teenager and going through puberty, we're going to have some of these challenges. And, and while it's not exactly at the same time, there's, you know, in some ways with kids, it's sort of plus or minus, you know, two or three years, the challenges would become adults because of medical conditions or diagnosis or accidents or whatever. There, there can be a very huge difference between two 60 year olds, two 90 year olds. You can have a, you know, one 90 year old who is blowing and going and, you know, living at home and driving to church and, you know,

and then, and then you can have a 60 year old who, because of a condition or a diagnosis is almost bedridden. And so that's where it's, I think it's hard is just, just because I'm 40 or because I'm 50 or because I'm 56, that I, that it's all happening the same. And frankly, our parents are, you know, had us at different ages too. But I think the challenge can be is that you can look at your situation with your children.

Fortunately, we didn't really start stepping in and helping it a lot until our daughter was in the end of high school. So we weren't trying, we weren't still running carpool and some of the big challenges of, you know, the everyday hands-on with your children, but there's still a lot of stress and emotional challenges, I think, that come up when you're sort of going from extreme to extreme. A year ago, when our daughter graduated from college and was moving to New York City, I moved one week. I took four days and went with her to New York and got her all situated and moved in, came home for three days, and then went to Houston to help my mom move to a new independent living community. Spent about four days with her. And I came home after that and I said, oh my gosh, I am exhausted. And what I realized is that of course it was physically a little bit exhausting because we were, you know, packing a lot of travel. It's a lot of travel and moving and packing and unpacking and all of that. But a lot of it was emotional.

I was trying to get my daughter, you know, situated so that she was launching and excited for her career to start and, and in a brand new city. And there was all that excitement. And then, then came home and within my mom, it's the, you know, it's on the other end of, okay, I want to make sure that she's situated and are people going to be nice to her? And will she know what activities there are to do and trying to help her feel comfortable?

And so I feel like it's that push pull of on any given day. It's, you know, one of the kids has a question about something and then mom is calling with a question about something else. So it's, you're having to kind of your brain, I feel like kind of is ping ponging sometimes. And often it's in the middle of the work day, you're trying to get work done and take care of your own things as well.

And so it just can be, I don't know if it's not exhausting as a writer, but it's just this mental sort of challenge. Yeah. And that's, that's the mental part of it. It can also be super physically demanding. If you are doing hands-on caregiving, if you have a parent that's living with you and you're providing that, and you've got kids at home and you're trying to run to carpool, you're trying to help with homework. And I think it can be really challenging. And so you've got to find those communities. And that's one of the things we found about our, our, our online community is that it's great because people know that other people can relate where some of your friends may or may not be able to, but we just really feel like, okay, let's normalize the conversation so that whether it's people that you work with or people, your neighbors or your friends or whoever, that you can find that community. And we've found that to be really effective within our online community because people just, it just helps them feel like they're not alone. And it's sort of involving the kids can help as well. Yeah. Because I think that we all know what, no matter what age we are, but especially with kids, you know, if you're,

if you lose something, whether it's time with mom or dad or family time or anything like that, it's going to be a little bit of resentment, a little bit of jealousy, whatever it may be. Especially when you're talking about old grandparents type of thing. Oh, spend all your time with grandpa and not in time with me. I don't like that, that type of thing.

So to me, the best thing, and I learned this from my dad, is to get the kids involved. And that doesn't mean you're making them do all the work. Don't take it the wrong way in that way. But like when, like I said earlier, when my grandfather had that stroke and he still lived 20 minutes away, 15 to 20 minutes away in Dallas. And so every weekend my dad would go check on him. On the weekends, I would often go with my dad and he'd say, come on, son, let's go with me. And good father, son time together. So I felt like I had a little bit of ownership. I got to see my grandfather, got to check on him. We'd go run some errands while we were out and do some other things, but it made it where it was still more of a family type of thing. It wasn't the case of where, okay, I'll be back later.

Y'all do whatever you want. Yes, right. I'm back with my father. And keeping them involved just helps so much.

And I've tried to do that with my kids where my son, well, they're both brilliant with computers and that type of thing. But if my dad ever has a computer problem, I can usually help. But there are times when I'll say, Brandon, would you help your grandfather with this? He loves to do it.

Bonding. And it gives him a little bonding between two of them. And gets him engaged is a good- And it's good role modeling then too. Those experiences, just like you had when you were younger, now you can use, you're using those and you're like passing those down to your son as well.

Yeah. I didn't even think to bring this up until now, but as a senior in high school, my, my grandmother, my mom's mom, it was 80, 81, had 15 children, right? So 78 of us grandchildren lived in a lake home. Her and grandpa had had, the family had built them this little lake home.

And then two years later, my grandfather had passed. And so now, you know, fast forward, oh gosh, a good 10 years or so grandma living in the home alone. But then she started, she had cataracts, her, she had some arthritis, different things going on and wasn't moving around as great, but mentally there. Right.

And they were talking about putting her in assisted living. And I just was so upset. I thought, no, as a 17 year old at the time, I was like, grandma is not moving to assisted living. I'll go live with her.

I'll go care for her. And there was this big thing about some people were like, oh, that's so great. And so sweet. And then, but you're in your senior year of high school.

And then there was the other side of the family that was like, absolutely not. You know, you're not, we don't want that burden on you. You know, you're, you're a senior in high school. You should not be doing that.

And I just remember having a really tough conversation with my mom and saying, I will never forgive you if you don't let me go live with grandma. I was just super determined that I needed to be able to go do that. And I think back on that now that had to be such a hard decision for my mom. I can only imagine the conversation she had with her 14 siblings, you know, living the siblings that were living at the time. But yeah, lo and behold, I was able to move in with grandma and I got to spend that year with her. And unfortunately just about a year that the following year, she ended up having a stroke and was hospitalized and passed, you know, within a few weeks, but I cherish that time that I had with her. And, but that is a tough conversation. I can, like I said, I just wish almost, I could have been a fly on the wall back then and what my mom and her siblings had to discuss with me being able to move and, and,

and be there for her. And that's such a great example of being able to be part of where it could be a positive experience. Cause I think the, the, the challenge can be, is that like making sure that you figure out ways that it be as positive as possible, because it is, you know, a reality that if you're having to split your time, if you're having to split your attention, if you're having to do a lot of physical hands-on caregiving, that it can be difficult for the children, especially depending on what age they are to watch that or be part of that, or, you know, see their, potentially see their grandparents in not such a great light if you are, if they have advanced Alzheimer's or things like that, but really, really hard.

So we always talk so much about that communication is so important just to keep those dialogues, you know, keep that conversation and the dialogue going so that everybody can kind of feel like they have, you know, buy into it. You know, our kids are hilarious. my father-in-law looks so forward to just a FaceTime call and he'll get, you know, our son will start it. He'll get his, his sister on and then he'll call us. And his dad just thinks it's, it is the most, I mean, it can be five minutes and it is his week. Yeah. He loves it. Yeah. And being able to teach him and minor. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. It's so great. This is just such a great topic. I love, like I said, I just love the company. I love what you're doing. The caregiver's key is genius and step two of no problem parenting. It's all about preparing for the worst. When we feel prepared, when we are prepared, we're empowered, right? We're more confident. And so I think that's exactly what you're doing here with that caregiver's key for the aging parent,

but also for you guys, the children, right? Or for us. And so we can prepare for the quote, unquote, worst, so that we're able to respond instead of react. And we can be more matter a fact about these and have it less emotional, right? And have these wonderful conversations with our aging parents. So I just appreciate you coming on the show. We will probably do a part two episode. Yeah, there's, there's so much, but until then, uh, parents can go to parenting, aging parents on Facebook. And again, we're going to have a link in the show notes for that.

And they can just jump right in and join the conversations. You can go to the website, parentingagingparents.com. And that has everything as far as you can get to the right to the Facebook group from there. We also have the caregiver's key. We have some other resources. We have a membership for those people who do want to get a little more attention, have live Q and A's with experts, be able to have a chance to ask us questions, things like that, to be able to help get their questions answered and just in some ways, just get to the right step. What's the next, what's the next step? Because a lot of times there's so much overwhelm that we don't even know where to start. So where do you start and where do you go next? Yeah. Cause most people need to realize you just can't do it by yourself and you need some help. It's okay to talk about it and know that we're all in this together. We're just trying to help everyone. I appreciate it all so much. I can't wait to go get my caregiver's key and have that conversation with my dad as soon as it arrives or begin the conversations. I should say, it's not like you fill this book out in one day. Right. Right. Yeah, exactly. Well, thanks so much for being with me today, guys. Oh, we loved it. All right, parents, that's it for today. Make sure you head over to the website, noproblemparents.com. Sign up to get our emails. We're going to be giving

away tips, tools, techniques, and resources, updates on podcast episodes, roundtable events, and more. Check out noproblemparents.com. For now, hugs and high fives. You got this.

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