Kids and Anxiety

Welcome back to the No Problem Parenting Podcast where we choose to deal with and overcome the behavior challenges within our home. Hey, real quick, before the next episode airs, I wanted to hop on and do this episode to just sort of preface what we're going to be talking about with my next special guest. And it's all about anxiety and mindfulness and what that looks like in children. So I just want to quickly go through what does anxiety look like in our kids.

We can notice when our kids are having a hard time concentrating or maybe they're not sleeping well at night or they're waking up with bad dreams. You know, they're not eating very good. They might be getting angry quicker or having more out of control outbursts or more meltdowns. Maybe they're always clinging to you and they just don't want to leave your side or maybe they're crying more than they normally do.

Sometimes kids that have like lots of negative thoughts and they're just kind of going to the dark side or just really crabby. Maybe they're more irritable than normal, you know, that sort of thing. Or maybe they're complaining of tummy aches and they just don't feel very well. Well, those are all signs that your child might be having some anxiety.

There are also signs that other things are going on. I mean, those are really common things as kids grow up for them to experience. And so many times we look at that and we don't even think of anxiety, right? And we rule out all the other things like, well, of course, they're, you know, not sleeping well because we've had a really busy schedule and we've been not in our own beds a lot of the time.

We're camping or we're traveling now that the world is opening back up. Or maybe their tummy aches are because, you know, maybe every six months or so as they grow, they seem to get more tummy aches or we're introducing new foods and they have tummy aches. You know, there's lots of reasons for our kids to be having a hard time concentrating or feeling more fidgety or, you know, crying more. It's just regular, natural growing up kinds of stuff.

But sometimes kids have different anxieties, different types of anxieties that will go away after a while. It's just the natural part of growing up. And especially if you can do some reassurance and some guidance and normalize some of the things that maybe they're worried about or not feeling good about, you know, those things will subside. Some kids are just simply born more anxious and they're less able to cope with stress than others.

It doesn't mean that there's something wrong. It's just who they are and how they're made up. Kids can also pick up anxious behavior from being around other anxious people. Kids are sponges to us, aren't they?

They can tell when we're nervous about something, when we're worried about something, and oftentimes that can make them a little bit uneasy. Some kids can develop anxiety after like a really stressful event. So let's say you just bought a new house and you're moving and everybody's all excited and the kids all caught up in the excitement. Then all of a sudden you're actually moving and you get to the new house and there's all this transition happening and the kids kind of getting freaked out.

They're really nervous. kids go through new anxieties when they're all excited to go to kindergarten or preschool for the first time and then they go and they're like oh wait this doesn't feel like what I thought it was going to feel like you know maybe you're fighting or arguing at home with your spouse or with another child there's anxieties that can pop up from that you know if you're fighting or arguing and there's tense situations those the emotion the overwhelming emotion can kind of make some of your kids look at you like, what's going on? I'm afraid. I'm worried. I don't understand this. This is new to me. And then also with the death of a close friend or a family member, when someone dies, there's anxiety around that. There's, you know, anything new, any kind of change or transition that alters, you know, life as it is for that kiddo, all of those kinds of things. Somebody getting really sick, especially with the pandemic and, you know, the fear of COVID because it's such an unknown virus that kids are really, you know, we're afraid, we're worried,

we're nervous about it. And of course, then they're more uncertain. And so any kind of, you know, transition in the child's behavior can cause anxiety. And another one is if a child has been abused or neglected. So if you're a foster parent listening to the podcast or an adoptive parent or a birth parent who had a spouse or step parent or abused or or neglected your child then obviously that child is going to have some anxiety. It's important to remember that kids with ADHD if you have a child that's diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or a child maybe that's diagnosed with dyslexia there's more of a learning disorder or autism those kind of disorders are more likely your kid is more likely to have a problem with anxiety if they have that kind of diagnosis so often you'll have a dual what's called a dual diagnosis I'm going to go through just so so much right now really quick what are the typical fears the typical worries or anxieties by age group so real quick infants and toddlers it is very natural for them to have and it's actually good for them to have separation anxiety a little bit of fear being separated from their caregivers, being in front of strangers, seeing new people,

or even loud noises. Those are very typical, right? Two to three-year-olds, animals, darkness, thunder, lightning, fire, water, you know, those are all very typical things for a two to three-year-old to start to be kind of nervous about, anxious about, worried about. It's very typical. Four to five-year-olds, bugs, getting lost is a big one for the four to five-year-olds. You'll notice they don't want you to be too far from them in the grocery store. They start to think about monsters in the closet and they also start to worry about death. And so then if you do experience, if your child does experience a death of a friend or family member that they're close to, that can be extra tough for them during that age, that time of their life. Five to seven-year-olds, it's very common for them to start to worry about getting sick, about certain illnesses. So your five to seven-year-olds might have already had a normal worry about being sick and afraid of it. And then the pandemic hit and it got really scary for all of us. And so we're uncertain, if not scary for many of us. And so that posed even more of a problem for your five to seven-year-olds, possibly.

This is all just, you know, a guide. They're also worried more about and learning more about natural disasters. And so they start to kind of think about what is that going to look like at their house, in their town, in their community, if there were to be some sort of natural disaster. And they'll start asking questions about that.

You know, do we get hurricanes in Minnesota? No. But if they heard about a hurricane, they might really start to fear that and wonder if that's a possibility until we educate them, right? and then also more worries or nerves about school happen at that five to seven year age typically this is all just kind of typical stuff nothing set in stone here people every child is different and then this seven to twelve year olds this is when performance anxiety usually kicks in and they become more aware of what they look like sort of in front of other people social situations. They start to learn about being, you know, feeling awkward or not as good as, or, you know, just kind of worried more about what people think of them. And then also about dangers like burglars and kidnappers and, you know, more leery about that or more cautious, just more aware of that, which is, again, can be a really good thing until they worry too much, right? And they get stuck in it. The 7 to 12 year old age is also when they become more aware of war and what that means. And so if you're a parent who is in the military, your kids may have a more difficult time during that 7 to 12 year old period with you being deployed or you going, you know, if you're in the National Guard and you're going to be gone for a weekend and they're starting to like overthink and really worry about what does that mean? Or is mom or dad going to be sent off into

a war. So that's just a quick summary of some of the very typical, common, normal things to kid for kids to worry about or be thinking about during those different periods of their life. All right. So before we talk about what to do with a kiddo who is showing you that they're anxious and they're having some worries, nerves, fears, let's talk about what not to do. Please don't dismiss their feelings or their distress. I know it's tempting because you kind of just want to be like we don't have time to worry about that right now because you as the adult don't have time to worry about that right now. But at least don't dismiss the feelings or the distress. Don't try to make it better to smooth things over to get on with it. Doing that could cause your kiddo to hide their real feelings and emotions later on. All right. They need to be able to express themselves,

especially with you, their parent. Now on the flip side of that, we also don't want to be over accommodating our kids by avoiding the situations that they're talking they're saying is making them nervous or worried that can actually backfire on you too so when kids stop going to certain places or avoid going to a friend's house because they're worried or nervous and then we kind of justify that by saying you know like oh yeah sweetie you don't have to go or you don't have to try this new thing or you don't have to you know speak to our extended family members because you're too shy or whatever, you know, saying those kind of over accommodating those fears or those worries that they have can actually justify that they have something to be afraid of. So if you're going to places with your child or being around friends or people that actually are safe and there isn't a real like live life and limb kind of dangerous fear that can be justified. We don't want to tell, to, to stop our child from learning how to cope with and deal with that fear of that anxiety and normalizing the situation. We don't want to take them away from that. So we don't want to over accommodate, uh, by having your children avoid situations unless of course there is a real fear, fear. But if there's not, you don't want to be saying to your kid, Oh, you have this fear. And even though it's not a real thing, there's not a

real danger here. You're just really uncomfortable. And that's, we don't want to skirt around that. It's, we want to acknowledge that, yes, they, we get it. They're scared or they're nervous or whatever it is. But we also don't want to seal the deal that, yes, that's something that they should be afraid of. Instead, we want to help them learn how to be in that situation. All right. So let's get into what can you do? Well, first, understanding that every child is different.

Every adult is different. Everyone's going to have different situations or settings where they're going to feel anxious at some point and more anxious than others or less anxious or whatever. So just acknowledging it and understanding first that everyone is different is the first step. Anxiety is a normal emotion and it has more than one purpose, right? So anxiety helps us stay away from danger. We wouldn't just be, you know, running into fires. We have to have some kind of healthy anxiety or healthy fears, it protects us. It's so it's such it is a good thing to have anxiety. It's only when it becomes a problem and stops us from doing everyday things that are good for us that it really that it really does become a problem. So helping your kiddo to work through the things they're anxious about by validating their concerns, saying things like I understand you're nervous. You know, I maybe I understand you're nervous about getting all your homework done. I understand it can be a little scary to go to your first sleepover. Showing them some understanding and some empathy is a great way to start looking into, is this more than just nerves?

Is this just my kiddo being a little worried about something, right? And then also be curious. Ask them some questions. Use the words, I wonder. Those are some of my favorite words and you learn that in the online course. I wonder if anything's worrying you. Now you don't have to be a therapist, You know, when you're saying this to your kids, you can just be curious.

You know, you can be kind of like, hey, I wonder, are you worried about something? And the tone of your voice, the lilt in your voice can be so key when you're engaging with your kids and when you're asking questions. Because if you're saying it with a worried voice, even if your kid wasn't worried and they're just trying to please you, they might say, oh, yeah, actually, now that you mentioned it, I am worried about something.

so kind of that matter of fact nonchalant yet empathetic right not sarcastic empathetic voice of hey is there anything worrying you is there something going on you know how are things going during school are you playing with kids on the at recess or what's happening during recess or using the words I wonder I wonder what do you do at recess time and then you're going to kind of find out if they're hanging out with other kids or not what about um I wonder what your body's feeling like, you know, you are growing, you're getting older. I wonder if you're having any stomach aches or headaches, you know, and you can, again, put this in time and place, use your tone, your voice. Being curious is key when you're asking the question, using your curious voice.

All right. And then real quick, when to seek help. Anytime. I say this to parents all the time.

How do I know if I need to find a therapist or anything? Anytime your gut tells you something's wrong and you're not feeling like you know what to do or you're wondering about what the next best thing is to do, that's when you call your pediatrician. Just pick up the phone, make a phone call, and then in addition to talking to your pediatrician, start asking your friends and family too. The key is when you're reaching out to friends and family to be sure to start the conversation with, I might need some help and I'm not sure if I'm going to ask you a question or if I'm going to ask you for help today or not, but right now I just want to kind of let you know what's going on.

And then you can let me know if you have any ideas. That's super key. Too often, you know, we share with our families. I'm guilty of it all the time. Just ask my family, start sharing something with them. They have a solution or they have an experience or a story and they want to share that back. And then I get frustrated because I wasn't looking for advice. Now the flip side is true. My sisters and in-laws will tell you that they do the same thing with me. And I almost always forget to ask, hey, did you want any, you know, ideas on that? I just start blurting them out because it's just in my nature. That's who I am. So be sure to kind of set a ground rule. I just want to talk about this and I want to share what I've tried or what I've learned with my kid or, hey, I'm going to share this, you know, this thing that's going on with my kiddo. And I actually want to hear about what's going on, you know, if you went through that with your kids. And so,

you know, let them know that you understand all kids are different and you're just in the phase of gathering ideas and learning from other people's experiences so that you can help your child and you can make your own decision about what the next best thing is for you and your kiddo. You're not looking to your family and friends to solve the issue for you, right? Unless you are, unless you're like, hey, here's my kids, solve this for me, figure it out, send them back to me. Wouldn't that be nice? But instead, really, you're looking to your family and friends and co-workers and all that for them to offer you some support and any resources that they have found or that they have tried that has helped them and their kiddos. All right. So and the last thing I want you to know is remember that even if your child receives a diagnosis of anxiety, it's not a life sentence. The diagnosis is the tool that helps you to understand your child so that you can find the best resources so that you can help them allow them to deal with and overcome their anxieties. Almost everything nowadays we're putting on a spectrum, right? Because people are so different and there's so many different variables in each of our lives. So speaking of that, everyone is different and the solution is different. Stay tuned for my next episode. I have a special guest.

Her name is Kelly Winkler. She's a mom of four, a teacher, and she's going to share how her family's experience with anxiety and OCD led her to become a certified children's yoga instructor. Hope you'll join us for that next conversation. All right. If you haven't become a member of our No Problem Parenting community, go to NoProblemParenting.com and get yourself registered now. That's it for today hugs and high fives parents you got this