Raising Conscious Children who can Self-Regulate Screen Time with Special Guest Jessie Liew

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Thanks for listening. Let's get into today's topic. all right welcome back no problem parents hey today's episode is all about raising conscious children who can self-regulate their screen time really the moral of the story is having a relationship with your kiddo around social media we want to help them self-regulate and my guest today jesse lu is going to help us to do exactly that as a mother of four and a cyber security expert jesse's had to face the same tasks as all parents when we're raising our kids in teaching them to be responsible digital children.

So we live in this digital era and we need new skills to parent our kids with screen and electronic devices and with internet access. Jesse's been able to help parents to stop their child's screen addictions and reduce their screen time without having to put a wedge in our relationship with our kids. As a result of the digital parenting program, parents can empower their children to use electronic devices responsibly and stay safe online while building a better relationship with their kiddos. Jessie also holds multiple certifications in her cybersecurity work, and she's been awarded Korea's Global Awards in 2021 for her outstanding work in digital parenting.

Welcome to this show, Jessie. I'm looking forward to having this conversation and talking about some of the common mistakes that we make as parents when it comes to parenting our kiddos in this technological world. Thank you, Jackie. I'm super excited to meet you and actually talk to you and have this conversation. Thank you, and I'm happy to have you here because I know the success that you have had in helping parents. You have literally gotten parents whose kids were eight hours a day on screens, just totally addicted to them, can't put them down, won't put them down, fighting, arguing, shutting the parents out. And you are literally teaching parents how to communicate with their kids around technology and how to make it a non-issue and get those kiddos to actually be more responsible for their own screen time habits. So I can't wait for you to tell us how you're doing all that. Yes, yes. I'm actually excited to share more. So let's jump right in, Jessie,

to the common mistakes that parents make when it comes to parenting their kids with technology. You say there are some just typical common mistakes that parents are making. I think the first common mistakes that parents regret making is actually just pass the device without like thinking how to parent their child in this digital era. Because right now, as you can see, tech is part of our life.

And strangely, actually, I started this during the pandemic. And during the pandemic, everything closed down. We are actually confined at home. So you can't go anywhere, right?

So it means that the school has actually been part of your life. And not only that, the school also pivot to online learning, which nowadays I believe in some of the US, you know, students and children are provided with tablets and laptops to continue the learning. So screen is going to be part of our children's journey. And therefore, you should actually start to parenting them in this digital era, meaning that how do you introduce to them? How do you get them to make sure to stay safe? And how do you nurture good screen habits so they know they have be responsible using the screens and also managing their life? Yeah, if your kid wasn't already using screens a lot before the pandemic. Now, what else was there to do? Couldn't go anywhere. A lot of times the kids were playing games with friends. So another common mistake that parents make is like they are trying to limit and control the screen time, which, you know,

like I think that most people will find this is a bit contradict. Yes, we need to limit their screen time, but we shouldn't do it as in, oh, you should only have two hours of screen time. Because when you actually do that if you actually think from you know like a scarcity perspective right wow my screen time is very limited you know that's the child how it thinks it wow this is a scarce resources then the more they want to cling on that device and and and that's where you know like the fags the struggles the yelling starts to be there because like you should stop you already have five five hours six hours and then no i just have it no i have to cling on it i cannot release it back to you because once I release, I cannot get it back. So that's a very contradict, but you know, we should set boundaries and not limiting and controlling our screen time. And let me ask you, Jackie, I know that your child is, you know, like they're 18 years old. So you may not have these problems, but imagine if you have kids of like maybe seven years old and if let's say you're limiting controlling and do you think that you have to be there all the time so that you can control and limit the screen time. Yeah, not happening. Yeah, you have to be there all the time if you want to make it happen, right? Yeah, and it's just not feasible. It's not realistic.

Yes, it's not realistic. So you have to ask yourself that. I don't know. I find it's actually very tiring and that's why we need to empower our children to use it responsibly because when they recognize that, oh, I have this and I need to use it responsibly and you teach them how to you responsibly and guide them and nurture good habits and all that good screen habits and develop their character then it's just fall into the place they will know that i need to manage my screen time i need to manage my life my homework my school work and some of my students i remember this is what she shared you know like uh she's been trying to teach time management you know in the past and she have also engaged some parenting coach but she just couldn't teach how to do the time management.

But with my method, suddenly she got, oh, this is like the bonus. Now my child knows how to manage her time. She knows that her time is like limited because there are resources complete for it, like their schoolwork, their chores, their playtime. And suddenly the child knows how to manage their priorities well as well.

And this is the kind of children you want to raise. Yes, absolutely. That's super key. I love, I got to stop here a second, because I love that you say, when you limit the screen time, you're actually causing more problems. Because anytime I'm limited, and somebody tells me I can only do something I like to do for X amount of minutes or hours, our brains are just telling us, oh, yeah, like we want it more. When you tell me I can't have something, now I want it more.

yes and precisely and it's not that uh i am telling you that oh you should not limit your child's screen time and allow them to have unlimited screen time no we still need to guide them to set the boundaries with the screen so they know that okay it's time's up i still have other important things that i need to do like my homework my school works and then they will just naturally put down the screen and they will just go for uh you know their hobbies or their schoolwork and something like that. Yeah, you make it just kind of a natural, it's not like you're fighting or battling with the kids about it. You're just saying, what do you all have to do today? What do you all need to get done? What is the schedule? And then they can kind of see where screen time fits into that and then make some decisions on their own.

Another common mistake that I want to share is like many parents do not realize, right, like how addictive these devices are. And being a computer science major graduate, I know all these devices are very addictive. And honestly, I do not want to pass this device to my children, despite I'm actually in the tech space. So I was like delaying, delaying, delaying, until to the point that, oh, pandemic.

Oh, I can't escape anymore because my children are at home. School is on online learning. I have to pass the device, right? and then I come to the realization I need to do something.

But I didn't have to face addiction is because that I've actually done the work earlier because I know these devices are very addictive. I need to do something. If not, soon or later, my children is going to be same like other children who are addicted to their screens. Instead of passing the, you know, like the control back, we have to actually take that control and make sure that our children's habits are not being shaped by these habit-forming products.

If not, they will just constantly check, check and check. They just constantly have the FOMO, the fear of missing out. I need to check it out. If not, I have the fear of missing out.

Oh, I need to check these latest, you know, influences, so on and on. And then it's just like the habit just forms. And after some time, it's just very hard to tell them you have a problem. You have 20 of these common mistakes that parents make.

and there's going to be a link in the show notes today. So people can click on that and go through and read all 20 of them. I have a couple other questions for you too. And one of them is, why do you think most parents fail when it comes to limiting their kids' screen time?

Because you're saying we need to teach our kids the limits, but oftentimes parents are trying to set the limit. They're getting into a battle with their kids and it's not working or the kids are becoming sneaky. And so when mom or dad are gone, they're getting sneaky. And even if you turn your wifi off, or even if you change your passwords, kids are smart and they're, they're beating the system.

I come back to the, the, one of the mistakes I mentioned about the limiting and controlling the screen time, right? So another point that I want to actually point out is like when you're limiting and controlling the screen time, right? Do you think that there is a trust and safe space communications between the parent and the child? No, right?

But for whatever reasons, right, if let's say the child being cyberbullied, the child has been, you know, shown, approached by online predators, and maybe the child has actually seen some porn. Do you think the child wants to tell the parents when the parents keep yelling and shouting and telling that it's your fault? And as you can actually see, right, you know, you need to have a safe space, communications and trust.

and I think that this is especially when your child you know come to the teenager part like you know when the teenager is the time that they're really discovering their own identity they actually want more freedom they also want to know that what they are capable of right so when you actually try to limit and control of course yeah they also have peer pressure you know like their peers and all their peers are very updated you know all of them have smartphones right they will tell you all sort of things and imagine that you have this mom and this mom like no screen time no screen time and what will the child think ah my mom is outdated better not to talk to her so much and then that's why uh you know things will become really bad like you know maybe there's a lot of and and and i want to actually point also like you know sometimes when there's a lot of cyber bullying there's a lot of unhappiness and the children don't come to the to the parents it could be also very damaging you know because you can see that the the commits to sign among the teens are actually quite high right now and i think that is uh some problems that you know the the parents need to look into that because some of them they just look ah it's just a device you know it's not going to kill them but uh if let's say you are not treating it right it could be a silent killer especially the internet is not a very safe place not even for adults you know like

I know that a lot of people got scammed and even adults got scammed. You know, the internet is actually not safe and it's not even designed with children in mind. So we need to let them to know that, oh, it's actually not safe, you know. So how to get safe and able to stay safe.

I think that's the key point. You know, oftentimes I think the kids are worried that they're going to get yelled at, that they're going to get things taken away. what is the best way to deal with our kids with their tech device i think the best way is to nurture good screen habits you know like because like i said we can't be there all the time you know i have four kids and literally i can't be split myself into four before them right so and you know like i think nowadays women we also have to work we have a lot of roles to play we have we are the daughter, we are the mother, we are the worker, we could be a supervisor. If let's say you're working or you can be, you know, you can be entrepreneurs and you still have staff to manage,

right? So we have so much roles and the reality is we can't be there all the time. And that's why nurturing good screen habits is the only way. Because number one, when you have to nurture the good screen habits, they know how to actually use it and you empower them. When you empower them, there's safe space communication and trust of course you are still the parents you know they know that you won't be happy when you know they do some mistakes right but they know that okay i i think my mom is not happy but she's still okay if i tell her you know yes i think this is so important when they know that okay so maybe my mom is not happy but she's still okay to listen i think this is very important so that it can actually come earlier to you right yeah exactly Can you give us like three tips that parents can do immediately after listening to this episode today?

What are maybe three things that you would suggest that parents do right away with their kids if they're struggling with screen time? I think the first is they must come to a realization that, you know, tech is going to be part and a huge part of their children's life. And they need to learn how to parent their child in this digital era. because you know if you see you know even you've thought about like two hours three hours four hours is still quite significant of time especially plus nowadays school is also pivotal online and using the laptops and the tech everything right so it's going to be quite a significant part of their life and therefore you need to know what is happening on their online world you teach them how to stay safe in the physical world like you will actually tell them right don't talk to strangers it's dangerous right when your physical world when you actually don't play with fire so actually it's the same it's just that maybe the virtual world the the internet is not like you can't see the dangers physically right so you think that there's no danger but there's a lot of hidden dangers that you have you never discover right so you're saying have a conversation with your kids and educate them on some of those dangers and things so you're giving them information not warning them of everything but giving them the information which if you're doing it in a way that's not warning them, right?

And depending on how the parent approaches it, it could sound like this is a warning. It could intrigue the child to actually want to look into it more, but you wanna keep the communication open with them and set those boundaries up. You might see some of this stuff, even though you didn't try to, and it's not your fault. If you do, come talk to me, I can help you.

Is that what you're saying? Yes, yes. I think the number one is nurture the good screen habits that you have to be part of. You know, just don't pass the device and think, oh, it's fine.

You know, nothing is going to happen. But you need to learn how to parenting them in this digital era because tech is going to be a huge part of their life and you need to know what is happening as well. And, you know, be updated now, maybe, you know, and know that, oh, that's Roblox. And what is the Roblox world is about?

You know, be curious. And if let's say they game, you know, be curious what they are gaming about. Know about what's their online world is about as well. it's also a form of like bonding you know like you can actually talk to your children about oh i know this game and all that and it makes that the conversations be um be more connected when you actually do that and and when the peer pressure comes then they will feel like okay my mom is also updated i i would like to seek for the advice and i think that though you you point out like a very important like is it how you bring out the communications to your child is actually very important.

Like if let's say you don't do this, this is bad and all that, you know, like the child is not going to listen to you. So you need to create the safe space first. I literally tell my parents, if you don't have space, no matter what you talk, it's just fall on the deaf ears. Yeah, right.

Yeah. So you need to have the trust. You need to have the safe space. It will take some time.

Yeah. But if they need some help, they can actually come to us and we'll actually guide them how to actually turn all these conversations so that they can actually get the message and the child also know the message and how to actually work together. So the key here is also to work collaboratively with your child. And I think it's good too, right, for parents to say, these are the things I worry about.

These are the things that I'm concerned about and I want you to know about them so that you can make those decisions and I don't have to. So we're empowering the kid to make the decisions. Yes, yes. And also raise conscious children.

You know, when you actually tell someone you are addicted, you're addicted. Do you think the person knows that he has a problem? What I actually witnessed is, especially with my eldest daughter, Sven, she's 13 right now. Like there's a time that she seems to be addicted.

She actually really realized that she was trying to escape to, you know, the YouTube, all these things because she was maybe she was sad she was angry if something happened in the school and then she was trying to escape so she'll come to realization yes it just helped for a while but the moment she stops it right the pain came back but when she do meditations with me right and then she said it's actually more calming and she come to a realization that actually after the the meditations, she finds that she's much calmer.

And at the same time, she can actually say to herself and say, oh, it's just a small thing. Yeah, I think I can just let it go. And then the pain actually stops to drop. And then she don't need to have to escape to the screens anymore.

So I think raising conscious children is also one of the key things that we also promote in the program. I love this because you're saying in that situation with your 13 year old daughter, she was struggling with maybe a friendship or some other things, right? And it's so easy. I think as adults, we do it too. We want to just scroll through, watch mindless videos or just kind of disconnect from everything else and just, and just pass the time. And then you catch yourself and you're like, oh my gosh, and you don't feel any better.

Maybe you feel worse about yourself because you start watching things where other people are doing better than you are, or it seems like they are. And so then you, now you get even more negative I love that you're saying replace, have the conversation with your kid and say, yeah, you, I agree. You want to check out. Because when they are conscious, they know that I am, why am I addicted?

I have a problem. You know, then they start to look into themselves. I really like that you're having the conversation with the kids and saying like, you do want to escape because something is painful for you. Or there's something that you don't want to have to think about because it's too hard.

So you want to escape. There are other ways to escape. And you're teaching the kids that when they do end up in like that addiction zone, it's the technology that's controlling them. They no longer are having the control.

And so you're really empowering kids to get their control back and help them decide how much screen time, how I'm going to use that screen time. And what are other things I can do when I feel like I need to escape? that's so empowering jesse yes yes yes i i love the techniques uh so much and actually i can see that uh you know like everything that i actually talk to you actually i can actually say that is actually happening to my daughter she knows that okay if i need to escape or if something that i need to deal how can i actually do it in a better way yep i love it you do some webinars people can register for your webinars and they can get the recording for up to like what seven days or so after the webinar if they are not able to attend the time that you're that you air those. And so by the time this episode airs, you will probably have another one coming up in May for people to register for 20 painful mistakes that parents regret making in their children's screen time and how to avoid them. That is a it's a brilliant workshop that you that you share and you have that freebie as well that you give away. You've had clients who kids say, I can't go to bed without my smartphone in the room. You've had kids who just wouldn't talk to their parents at all and completely disconnected the relationship with them. And you are really changing lives by coaching the parents through how to get that relationship back with their kid and how to set some healthy

boundaries, but also without being the bad guy, like empowering the kid a little bit more to make some decisions on their own. And I know parents, it's going to sound like that sounds too easy and you can't do it, but Jessie, Jessie's figured it out. She's cracked the code on how to help your kiddos. So I really encourage people to reach out to you. What's the best way for them to find you and how can they follow you? They can actually find me at Facebook, LinkedIn, and also Instagram.

So they actually want to go for my webinar. They can just go to bit.ly slash overcome internet addictions so that's the URL I have and if you miss it you can actually always join for the next one we conduct almost monthly webinars all right well I'm going to put the link in the show notes for people because that's going to be the easiest way for them to just go click on that and find your site and your tips your tools and all that kind of stuff you're a great support for parents in this digital age and I know I mean it is just it is just a fact of life it is the it is what our kids are living with and growing up with. Yes, yes, you're right. I think a lot of parents came to me that, oh, my dad never experienced that. I have no idea how to do it. I have no one to refer to. Yeah, and I think it's also kind of humbling when our kids are smarter at some things than we are. So if our technology skills are not as good as our kids' technology skills,

we kind of feel like we don't, you know, that parent-child differential is there, and it can make you want to defend yourself and come at your child more, you know, forcefully or with anger. And it's like, no, they can help teach you too. They can teach you a lot of the things that can help you learn. And you guys can have a reciprocal relationship around technology instead of this battle to just win control over how much your kids are using their screens.

Yes, yes. I love that. All right. Well, thanks so much, Jessie.

It's been great to interview you and to meet with you. I just will continue to follow you because you have great ideas and tips and techniques for parents. So I just really thank you for being with me on the show today. Yes, I'm also happy to meet with you again, Jackie.

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