Picky Eaters vs Problem Feeders & Eating Disorder Prevention with Special Guest Erin Gonzalez

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Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Finneman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling?

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We have, this is like a part two episode. You guys remember episode 112 where I, we talked all about raising intuitive eaters and body positive kids with our guest, Erin Gonzalez. Well, Erin is back and today we're shifting gears a little bit and we're going to be talking about picky eaters and problem feeders and how to prevent eating disorders in our kids. So welcome back to the show, Erin.

Thank you. I'm so excited to be back. Well, this is like a really hot topic. We were just talking about this and eating and feeding is a hot topic with kids. It can be so frustrating when our kids won't eat what we serve them, when we're in a hurry and we just need, you know, we've got 30 minutes to get food in them and we got to get out the door and they're not eating or they're just being super picky and they want something that we don't have in the house.

Before we get into today's episode, I'm just going to remind everybody that you are a registered dietitian and a certified eating disorder specialist and certified intuitive eating counselor. I remember the first time we met, I was like, what's an intuitive eating counselor? You practice utilizing a non-diet, intuitive eating, weight neutral approach. Your passion lies in helping others free themselves from rigid food rules.

Relearn how to listen to our own internal hunger and fullness cues and find a way of eating and moving that feels best to each person. So I'm going to have all your information in the show notes, but let's switch gears today and talk all things picky eaters and problem feeders. How do we even begin? how do we navigate this picky? Let's start with picky eating. Yeah. It's so hard because I feel like as parents, we feel this immense amount of pressure to get it just right. And I think it's really important to first differentiate between what is a picky eater and what is a problem feeder because they really do require different approaches. And I think it's important for parents to understand the difference. Otherwise we won't honor the child who especially is a problem feeder in the process, and we won't be giving them the right tools. So we would be setting up that child and setting up that family for even more frustration and discourse. So a little bit of a really great questionnaire. And I know we talked about this beforehand,

and you're going to add this to the notes so people can click on it is a questionnaire that's put together by a group called the SOS approach to feeding who really addressed this well. So one of the first things to differentiate is how many, if we were to make a list of foods that the child eats, how many foods would be on that list? So for someone who has more of that picky eating, they're still going to eat generally at least 30 different foods. Whereas a problem feeder would have more of a restricted range or variety of foods, and they usually would eat less than 20 foods. So then there's also this term that we use in feeding called food jagging and food jagging is when kids eat the same food over and over. And then suddenly they just stop eating that food.

It just completely falls from their preferred food list. So when a picky eater does that, they would normally just take a break from that food, but then they would probably pick it up again within a couple of weeks, because they're just kind of like, I'm kind of tired of that, ready for something else. But then after a couple of weeks, they're going to accept it again. Whereas a problem feeder, they will rarely ever accept that food again, even after taking a break.

So then the concern that happens there is that that's going to result in a continual decreasing number of food that's in that child's food range. And then over time, you can imagine that becomes a bigger concern because now we have a lot of nutrient deficiencies, energy, we're not getting adequate fuel over time. And this is at a time when kids need it the most. What happens when we put a new food on their plate? Picky eaters, they generally can still tolerate it. They might put up a little bit of a fight with it, but they're still going to be able to fairly tolerate the fact that it's on their plate. And they still can usually touch it, maybe even taste it if they're encouraged to take a bite, but they will just be reluctant about it. Whereas a problem feeder is much more likely to cry, to protest, to completely fall apart when presented with those new foods. And they will completely refuse to do anything with the food. So even touching the food,

having it on their plate is going to feel like too much for them. And then another one is, do they eat at least one food from most nutrition and texture categories? So thinking about proteins, vegetables, or even textures like purees, soft foods, chewy foods, crunchy foods. So picky eaters, they'll still generally at least have a couple of foods from each of those categories. Whereas a problem feeder, they're more likely to refuse an entire category of food textures or nutrition groups. So we see this, especially with kids who have sensory components, or maybe they fall somewhere on the autism spectrum disorder where they will not touch a vegetable, right? Or maybe they will not touch a fruit. Those are kind of common ones that we see. And then thinking about what their plate looks like at meals compared to the rest of the family. Picky eaters, they'll frequently eat different foods at a meal than the rest of the family, but they'll still usually eat with the family. Whereas problem feeders almost always eat different foods at a meal than the rest of the family and often don't eat with the family. So they'll eat at separate times or even eat alone in a separate space, often because of how much it impacts the family feeding dynamics at the table.

It just grows and grows. And at some point it just becomes too much for everybody to navigate at the table. So another one is how hard it is for them to learn about new foods. So we talk about food exposure all the time with feeding kids. And this is one of the things we'll talk about with picky eating too, um, and the importance of just exposing, exposing, exposing, and a picky eater, they'll generally add new foods after about 20 to 25 steps, right? We just have to have this repeated exposure and eventually they're going to be more willing to try it. Whereas problem feeders, they're going to require even more than that to even bring in that new food.

And then another kind of telltale is how long have we been labeling this child a picky eater at well child checkups? So if we were to go back and look at, you know, the doctor's notes, how many times, how many, what was the frequency that this was discussed? And if it was something that was occurring for more than two years, that's another indication that it's a problem feeder because most picky eating occurs from kind of that 18 month old to kind of that four-year-old phase.

And as long as we use positive feeding dynamics and approaches, they'll typically grow out of it within two years. But if it's longer than that, that might be another one of those signs. So the differences is that typically with picky eating, when presented in a positive feeding dynamic, where, you know, we just continue to offer, we continue to serve, we don't really make a big deal out of it. We just keep kind of going with the flow of things. Then over time, they will kind of grow through it. Whereas with the problem feeder, that's not going to change. It's just going to keep getting worse. So typically they're going to require more of a referral to speech therapy to occupational therapy so that they can get more tools in order to figure out what they need to eat more variety. So the difference between a picky eater and a problem feeder is not really behavior. There is an indication, you know, I like to talk about seek first to understand why is my child behaving the way they're behaving, right? Because nine times out of 10, the behavior is not the actual problem. There's something going on underneath. Right. Right. So kind of help parents listening decipher if this is picky eating or problem feeding. Yeah. So I think the big piece there is like you just kind of said, let's look at the bigger picture. What else might be going on that could be indicating that this isn't just about the food, right? So we're going to be seeing

more correlation with the problem feeders that they're going to have other sensory stuff going on socks. They don't want to put socks on, right? They hate wearing clothes. They can't wear jeans.

It has no, no tags, all of those sensory, but toothbrushing is really hard to do. Those are going to be all little indicators that maybe this is something more. Right. Or tight clothes. I know kids just, their clothes are like always too small for them. And people are like, Hey, your kid's grown out of their clothes. And they're like, I can't help it.

They want the short tight pants on, you know, exactly, exactly. And one last term that I also want to introduce to people is a term called ARFID. ARFID is the short version for avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. And that is now a diagnostic term for an eating disorder.

and it's still, I would say kind of in the developmental phase in terms of, well, how do we bring in these kiddos who are problem feeders or who are more in that, um, neurodivergent space with that, uh, uh, the autism spectrum and where do they fit? But oftentimes what I see in my clinic, um, in my practice is ARFID can manifest for multiple reasons. The two main ones that I see is kiddos who have GI issues that have been pretty severe and it's caused them to have a lot of accidents maybe, or their stomach is constantly in pain. And as a result of that, they associate eating with pain. And over time, then they don't want to eat anymore because it's just caused them to hurt or it's caused them to have really bad bowel issues. And then they can't go to school.

So then they just don't eat all day long until they get home. Right. So then here, again, we end up not growing the way we were supposed to not getting adequate nutrition. Now, another reason ARFID develops is due to some kind of traumatic experience.

So the GI certainly can be traumatic as well, but it can also be as a relation to a choking episode or a gagging episode or a vomiting episode. And now, and we have a lot of anxiety. Maybe don't want to ever want to vomit again or anaphylactic. So let's say that we didn't know we had a food allergy and all of a sudden we had this anaphylactic experience.

So we couldn't breathe afterwards that can cause it. So this actually happened with my son. He had had a choking episode on a waffle while he was on vacation and I wasn't there and everything seemed to go okay. And then he came home and it was like a week later, he was eating something that just reminded did him, it felt the same in the back of his throat. And even though he didn't have any gagging or choking that time, it just all of a sudden clicked in his brain that this was a threat and it influenced him to not be able to eat the same amount anymore. And so it took me all the skills that I have a solid six weeks to consistently work with him, to be able to challenge him. And again, this is me having all the tools. And it really took all of my time. So just something that I think is important for parents also to be aware of that there's kind of these three different buckets. And that can lead us right into, you know, eating disorders. But before we get into that, I want to talk about just real quick, a couple of things you would suggest.

Once you figured out you have a picky eater, let's first go there. What are some maybe tips or tricks to helping your child introduce new foods to them and try new foods? Yes. So to me, always key with this is whether you have picky eaters or you're just developing positive family feeding, because to me, it's all the same. You're going to have your kids, kids all go through a picky eating stage. That's just normal. And the most important part is just to try as much as possible to have those family meals. They're so, so important. And with those family meals, really just trying hard to include that variety of food groups. So let's really aim for five food groups at those meals, make it a protein. It should look like the school lunch, a protein,

a fruit, a veggie, grain, dairy, fat, so that all of those foods are available. The other big piece is making sure that when we are challenging kids, that we are only putting one food on the table at a time that is new to them. So then we can be reassured that they can still fill up on everything else, even if they're not quite sure that they're going to be able to eat that food. Right. Because otherwise, if we're making this meal and everything on the table is challenging for them, we're setting ourselves up as well as the kid for frustration and struggle difficulty. So really thinking about it that way. Another fun way to work on this is to have what's called deconstructed meals. So for example, let's say we're trying to make more stir fries.

What we would do is we wouldn't want to just prepare the stir fry and then put it on the table. We'd instead want to deconstruct it. So you would have different bowls. So one bowl would be your proteins. One bowl would be the veggies. One bowl would be your grain. One bowl would be the sauces.

And then the kids get to decide what they put on their plates. And then as parents, you could prepare a separate amount that is just the regular full stir fry, but then you've deconstructed it for the other ones. Cause then that way they have a bit more autonomy. They have a bit more control because they're like, okay, that's chicken.

I know I like chicken. Right. So I feel okay with that. I've had those veggies before.

I've had that green before, so I can put all those things on my plate, but I might not be quite ready to mix it all together or the sauce that I'm not sure about. Right. Exactly. And so same thing for concept for like pasta nights and taco nights and doing these deconstructed ways. Although I understand they can be a little bit more time consuming. So when we're doing those, we want to, you know, take that into account and maybe plan it on a night, you know, you have a little bit more time, but those are just ways that you give kids that autonomy, give them control around something they really don't have control on in terms of what's getting put on the table.

So this goes into that important topic about serving versus offering. So it's really important that parents try their best to actually do family feeding style where all the food just gets put on the table and we let the kids serve themselves versus us serving them. Because here again, we've got autonomy. The kids are going to feel like they have a little bit more control over what goes on their plate. And so parents naturally here will be like, but then what if they don't put the veggie on the plate? You know, that's going to happen. But the more that we continue to expose them to it, the more that we role model it, the more likely they're going to try it over time.

Now here, we also have to know the personality of the kid. Some kids, if you kind of create a two bite rule or kind of just gently nudge them towards it. That's not really going to be a big deal. Some kids are just going to be, okay, yeah, I'll try it. That's really fun. Right. But other kids are going to put up a wall against it. So we also really have to know. So just really making sure that they're constantly there. They're having the opportunity to try them is really, really important. And when we talk about food, this is something that's really dynamic as well and can make a huge difference. We were raised in this time where nutrition education was, well, you should eat it because it's healthy for you. Right. Or you should eat spinach because it gives you strong muscles like Popeye. Like, you know, kids don't care about that stuff. Right. But what's more interesting to them is, well, where did it grow? Where did it come from? Like, let's talk about the food and how it was farmed. Kids are interested in that stuff, right? That's kind of cool, but they can't really put into context how it functions in their body. Interesting. I have to go back to the family style meal. I hadn't thought of that. This is kind of just a subtle thing, but parents, if you think about this, like, I think we're more likely these days to serve the food,

to like put the plate together, to put a little bit of everything on the plate and bring it to the table, you know, or the high chair even, right. And, um, or the booster chair, whatever. And we serve the kids and it's like, wait, no, think, just think about the benefits. I mean, I'm, I'm thinking about, you know, there are five kids in my family growing up. We sat around the table and we passed the dishes around and everybody kind of took in the, they were heavy.

And so one person had to help the other person with lifting or holding or setting it down by them, but they got to scoop some out on, you know, whatever it was, the potatoes or the veggies or whatever. And I had, I wouldn't have thought of that as the learning experience. It didn't occur to me that that was just that act of being able to serve yourself really makes a difference in what you're willing to eat or not. Yes. Yes. And let's take this back to kind of that intuitive eating stage. So if we're putting the amount of food on the plate, there's a little bit of the sense of, well, am I supposed to eat all of that? Then that kind of becomes that little bit of that battleground. Whereas when kids serve themselves, now this becomes a bit of a learning thing,

because if they haven't been used to serving themselves, generally those first couple of times, they're going to put a lot on their plate. So there's some language here we can use, which is, well, why don't you just start off with the amount you think you need, right? Check in with your tummy. How hungry are you? Are you a little hungry? Are you more hungry? And just start out with the out, you think knowing you can always get more if you're still hungry. Right. And use smaller spoons, smaller serving spoons so that they're not taking the big gigantic one. And that's like, but the big part is that reassurance that, and that affirmation that there's, there's more, if you're still hungry for it. Right. Right. No, I love that. So dessert, we talked about dessert last time. I think possibly where the importance of just serving dessert at the same time, if we know we're having it because then it's something that we're including within our hunger and fullness versus something we're working our way towards.

And you're good. They're going to take a bite of it. Then they're going to take a bite of the other food. It's not really a big deal.

Intentional here is when we're doing that, we really would only put enough dessert for one serving for each person. So then they're not, it's not, that's a common question I get from families. So I would just say, yeah, it would be one serving of dessert with the rest of the food on their plate. Right.

Well, and dessert, I like that because dessert can be portioned already and put on a smaller plate and brought to them. That's sort of like the fun at the end of the meal or something. It's like, here, let me serve you this dessert because I think you're so sweet or, you know, whatever. And that can be kind of fun.

All right. So let's switch in gears then to the problem feeder problem feeders. I think we need to look at this a little bit different. I think we need, we need to think about this differently because the word problem is in there. Problem eaters, not that. So let's identify what a problem eater is. And I can even just give you an example. There was a family that I knew that their child, well, okay. I've had several families.

One family had a kiddo that would only eat Cheerios. That's all they would like literally all breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, and they just wanted Cheerios. Yeah. And another family that I worked with had, it was chicken nuggets.

The only thing the kid would eat. And of course, many of you listening are thinking, well, if you don't buy it, that they can't eat it and they won't. And these parents tried that not having that food in the house and the child would just not eat. yep that is a problem feeder right and I think a lot of times we can say they're just picky we would we would say to that that child is just picky but it's likely more than that absolutely yes and that that's where going to that questionnaire that I just said is such a perfect place to start but you just described that perfectly so a problem feeder will choose to go hungry whereas typically a picky eater wouldn't like they're going to be like oh you're mine. Right. But a problem feeder will absolutely go to bed hungry. Right. And usually there's something else going on. So I like that you're, you're opening our minds up a little bit. Like how are they doing, um, with their other senses, right? Their other sensory, are there any other sensory issues going on that, that aren't necessarily, it gets even bigger in terms of,

you could also think about where's their speech development, where is their gross motor development? because sometimes what I've learned in, in my work at the clinic, um, cause I've been part of a feeding clinic with a speech therapist and occupational therapist and seeing them do their assessments is if they don't have the oral motor muscles to chew, well, then it makes perfect sense that all they would really eat is crunchy, easy to chew foods. So it just gets, there's a lot here that can be explored. Um, you know, it could be a tongue tie if they're really little and struggling from going from purees to table foods. So there's all different reasons that this problem feeding can be happening. So it's important for parents to be able to just kind of advocate is what I would say, because a lot of, you know, primary physicians don't necessarily know the difference either and what to look for. Well, and I was just going to say that you're reminding me that we go to the doctor, we tell the doctor about it, and we may not get an answer that's helpful, not any knock against the docs, but we only know what we know. Right. Right. And we don't think there are,

it's not just about your pediatrician. There are speech and language pathologists, speech and language being two different things that can help determine this. There are certified eating disorder specialists and certified intuitive eating counselors like yourself. Let's switch gears then into the eating disorder stuff. Because when a lot of times we think eating disorder, we think anorexia and bulimia, it is way more than that. And it starts off an earlier than that.

And it can be different from that eating disorder that has to do with your identity. Right. Right. Right. Self-esteem. So let's talk eating disorder without the identity issue first.

Yeah. So one of the things that I'm seeing more often is a reach for these behaviors as a way to regulate the nervous system. So our kids are growing up in an environment that's definitely different than what I grew up in. And I imagine very different than what you grew up in. And the level of stress that they have is naturally much higher right now. And coping is such an important thing in order for us to regulate that fight, flight, and freeze mode that's in our body.

And so what I'm seeing a lot of is kids who are reaching for these behaviors because it actually is a way to regulate that unregulated nervous system. So when we don't eat it because appetite gets impacted. Right. So when we are in a fight flight or a freeze mode, well, you can't be running away from a lion or fighting a lion and eating or digesting food and pooping at the same time. Right.

So our appetite gets impacted and we kind of feel like, okay, well that feels a little bit better. Right. So all of a sudden now we get into this pattern of not eating when we're stressed or the opposite, all of a sudden going to food and eating feels really comforting too. Cause we get that dopamine hit too that way.

so I'm seeing a lot of that and this also goes into more of the um self-harm ones as well I mean they're all kind of self-harm but um more extreme ones like the purging like all of them really just become this coping mechanism so to me one of the most important parts as we are navigating our kids outside of just how do we talk to kids with regards to our bodies and food to prevent eating disorders that way is really focusing on giving kids mindfulness techniques, coping techniques, so that they have a treasure chest of tools that they can reach for when things around them just feel too big. So can you give us a couple of examples of that and maybe a couple of tips that we can leave parents with today? If number one, if they feel like it's picky eating or actual problem feeding, it never hurts to reach out, ask the questions. There's lots of resources out there to help you free resources, to help you kind of identify what it is. Once you've learned that there is this eating disorder happening, what are some tips or tools that you can share with us?

So certainly separating out like problem feeding and picky eating and eating disorders, because they certainly don't fall like within each other. Right. So definitely separate. But with that problem feeding, it is really, you just hit it, which is getting the help and reaching out.

And the assessment is that first piece. And many of the places I know our clinic does this, which is evaluations, and they'll do those evaluations for free to say, hey, yeah, here's what I think is going on. And this is what we would recommend. And they'll kind of just do like a side one before they do the full assessment.

So I think that not hesitating, if there's this gut feeling, I think as parents, we have that, this gut feeling of like, I feel like this is something bigger is following through with that instinct and seeking out again, advocating for something more. If that's what we're, again, I would encourage any parent to go onto this SOS feeding questionnaire and just look at those and consider how does my child fit within that?

And if we're looking more at that problem feeder, then we probably need some more tools. If we're more in the picky eating, sometimes we still need tools because oftentimes, you know, what we've been doing might not be working. And at that point, if we've been short order cooking or, you know, we just feel defeated, well, then we need support too. And there really are a lot of, I would say like online spaces for families to navigate picky eating.

One of my favorite Instagram accounts is kids.eat.in.color.

I think it is kids eat in color and she does a fabulous job. So there's a lot of ones that families can follow that can get some really helpful tips for just that picky eating. But the number one thing there for picky eating is really just thinking about what's realistic. What can I add in?

And lastly, how can I bridge things? Like right now, if our children are eating chicken nuggets, again, let's add in the other food groups. If we're not serving those same thing with pizza, let's add in the fruit and veggie when we're serving it. But then the next thing would be, okay, well, how about we try chicken nuggets that aren't breaded?

They look the same, but different, right? And then let's see how that goes. And again, let's make it fun and let's get the kids involved. And then from there, maybe we can try chicken tenders. And then from there, maybe we can try chicken breasts. So that's called bridging. So we don't expect them to go from chicken nuggets to a chicken breast.

So then with where I was answering your question for more of that eating disorder part of it, this is really about helping kids to have that growth mindset and developing that within the home. You know, talking about how do we recognize what stress feels like in our body, giving it a name, giving emotions a name. You know, so similar to you when you were saying, OK, I'm noticing this language now and I'm catching myself.

It's the same thing that we have to do with emotions. we have to label them. So then we can learn how to sit in some of the discomfort of them and to know that it's okay. And we can feel sad and it's okay to feel sad. And I can also reach out for help with it. So really just starting to have these conversations with them. Um, so they don't feel alone through it either. Right. And I think too, that if you're a parent that is battling food issues in your home and you're consequencing your kids because of food, you know, not eating or eating too much of something, or then, you know, you need some help. You need some support because again, no problem. Parenting is all about becoming the confident leader that I say our kids crave us to be. And if we're battling over food stuff and we're consequencing and we're arguing,

and it's putting a wedge in our relationship with our child, that is like, that starts, can start really young and create a wealth of problems as the kiddo gets older. Yes. Oh my gosh. You hit something so important there, which is as a generation that really grew through dieting, like we grew up with dieting so much in our homes and ourselves, right?

Most females in this kind of age range of like 30 and above have been on many diets. And so even if we've gotten past that, and now we're more in this intuitive eating and kind of like, Hey, dieting doesn't work kind of space. It's very likely that we're still going to have these kind of rooted emotions, these core memories of how we felt about ourselves through this process and our relationship with food. And so if we see anything that even remotely worries us that our child will go through the same thing, oftentimes, like you kind of said, we're bringing that in with positive intention, but with potential harm.

And so it is being able to first notice when that arises of this feeling of, oh, I want to challenge them on that. They shouldn't be eating that. That's not good for them. Whatever those thoughts are that are coming up that are policing and really thinking about, well, is it such a big deal? And how can I trust them with this relationship with food?

What can I do within my dynamics of feeding as a parent to make sure that I'm following what we call the division responsibility, which is parents provide the variety of food choices and the timing of meals. And then it's the child's responsibility to determine what of those food choices that are being presented to them, they're going to eat and how much. Right. So really thinking, how are we, how are we staying within those kind of boundaries?

And also I'm thinking what comes to mind is like restricting certain foods or amounts of foods, because like you said, many of us grew up in that, you know, dieting culture. And so we don't want our kids to get fat. Right. That is. Oh, man.

And I am, I, I'm the first, my older sister could tell you times when she would catch me saying something to our son in that 10 to 13 year old stage where he was picking up some weight, but he was supposed to pick up some weight because he was going to be going through a growth spurt. And his body shape is just, you know, we're all, we're all different shapes and sizes. And so, you know, a child that is a bigger kid then goes through that same thing.

They're going to be even bigger and we're going to start to worry and get all concerned. And it's like, and it's like, no, you guys slow down, back the track up a little bit. This is your child's build. And this may be what they need to go through.

So, so we don't need to, you know, withhold or take away all of the sweets and desserts and things, you know, that he wants to have when he's with his friends, you know, or hang out or a soda or something like that. And we're like, now, if you're feeding your kids soda every day, uh, okay. That's a, that's a total difference. If you are literally allowing your child to have sodas with 56 grams of sugar in them or whatever, that's just kind of like, we all know better, right? Choices versus behaviors, right? I always like to say, if it's something we're doing on a consistent basis, that's going to have an impact on our health, either positively or negatively, where if it's something we're only doing on occasion, nothing's going to come from that.

So we don't need to get caught up in any of that. Like we enjoy those sweetened beverages here and there with special, you know, meals or outings or whatever, nothing bad is going to come from that. But like you said, if we're consistently including those, then essentially it's going to be taking away from opportunities to fuel our body with more nourishing fuel and foods. So yeah, absolutely. I think you're right with that. And, um, you make such a good point with regards to the changing of the body. And that is something I wish pediatricians and providers talked more about because at a time when kids' bodies are supposed to be changing, we're telling them that their body's not supposed to be changing. Right. And you hit it. They will get a stomach before they grow taller. And I don't know why we don't talk about this more.

Oh, I know. I think every parent listening today, go back and look at your pictures from like third or fourth grade through like 10th grade. Yes. And notice the change in your face. Notice the change in your shape, that awkward, for lack of a better word, it's like an awkward phase almost that you go through and then look from your like 10th grade to freshman year in college and you know, where you're at now and you will, you will see changes then as well.

Right. Right. Absolutely. And here I'm one of those people who I I'm very open and honest about my thing because I think vulnerability helps. And, you know, I would say my son's going through that phase right now where I noticed that. And so what I do is I think back and I say, okay, well, what, if anything, would I be doing differently with my feeding relationship?

Right. When, you know, I kind of just do a scan because it's good to have check-ins and like, okay, are we eating out more frequently than what we would normally would? Are we doing, you know, more fun snacks more often? And I think, nope, nope. Everything's pretty much the same.

Right. So there's nothing here that I would change. I'm trusting that he knows his body and he's 11, but he's kind of in a 13 year old body, basically. Like he's a kid who's hitting major growth spurts right now. And I remind myself of that. And I said, he's right where he's supposed to be. Yeah, exactly. But you know, our kids will compare themselves with each other too. So I know our son would compare himself with his cousin that was just a year older, grew five inches in like two months. It was ridiculous. It was like, holy, I mean, like legit, you probably could have watched him grow. If you just would have been hanging out with them every day, you could have just seen him growing. And then our son did not hit that growth spurt until like three years later, and they were a year apart. Then there's also my younger nephew.

So that's the three of them. And they're like, each a year apart, who is a smaller build, you know, shorter, smaller, smaller build, who wished he could bulk up who wished he could, you know, gain weight and, and get higher and all and just couldn't. So they're all different. So let's talk real quick before we wrap up today. How do you respond to kids when they call themselves or someone else talks about their body in a negative way.

And, you know, kids will joke around about this. But like, what can, what kinds of things can we be doing instead of joking around about the weight, you know, or calling them out that kind of stuff. So first I want to just kind of acknowledge what I think that initial reaction is that most of us would have, which is no honey, you know, of course you're not, you're beautiful. that would be this nurturing way that we would want to respond. Most of us, those unconditional positives. That is exactly what I talk about in step three of no problem parenting, change the conversation, the difference between unconditional praise and conditional. So, yep. Keep going. I'm all, I'm all ears.

Love it. But what that does is it really just kind of reinforces that fat is not beautiful. right so what we want to do is start with trying to understand more so ask instead why why are you asking tell me more what makes you ask this where did you hear this from just gain more insight and this also builds that connection then right so we can just start to explore it and then based on what they say then we can respond honestly right and we can talk about if they are in a larger body we can say something like, you know, you do have a larger body than some of the other kids in your class. Right. Conditional fact. Yeah. And then we can normalize the natural diversity in body shapes and sizes. Everyone is growing at a different rate. Some are bigger, some are smaller,

some are taller, some are shorter, and all of these are normal, right? Kids need to hear that you're okay with the body just as it is, right? Kids will feel good in their bodies, regardless of their size, when we're taking care of ourselves. And when they know that I can do all the same things, right? Like, how does this change? You're still out there running, you're playing, you're doing everything that other kids are doing with their bodies.

I think also making sure that we're not shying away from the feeling they're having about themselves, even though we're saying that they get to have their own shape and size, everybody comes in different shapes and sizes. That doesn't always make the kid feel better about themselves. They may wish they had a different shape. I mean, how many adults wish they had a different shape?

You know, thin people wish they had, you know, bigger, this or that bigger people wish they had thinner, this or that, you know, it's like, it's, it's, it's a normal thing. So I do think talking to your kids and saying things like, so what's your feeling about that? Right. And what are you thinking about that? And then helping them identify what's true and what's false. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes they can have a feeling, but it's not a truth. Yeah, absolutely. I love that.

And then also just acknowledging, and this is hard. This might feel hard for you because kids aren't being nice and that's, that's hard. Right. And so looking at ways and talking about things that they can do not to just make them feel better, but to actually help them internalize that from the inside out to actually feel better, or at least get it off their chest or share their emotions. And they need to know that we can handle those discussions and those conversations and that we're not going to try to just make them feel better. Exactly. That's not what they need from us in those moments for sure. Yeah. So, okay. Well, this is, there's so much good information.

you have even more on your website at ErinGonzalezNutrition.com. And you also have a Facebook page, Erin Gonzalez, R-D-E-N. Yep. Correct. Yep.

I'm also including the picky eaters versus problem feeders questionnaire in the show notes. So parents go ahead and click on that and take that little free questionnaire to determine if you have a picky eater or problem feeder. There's just so much to this. It can be so big and so overwhelming.

Even as we're talking, I'm like, oh, oh, like all these little pieces that is yet to be that we could have continued to go on. And so I think it's just being able to sit and knowing that we're not going to know everything and we're not going to do it perfectly. And that's OK. And one of the most important parts to me is just this continually learning space that we are all in.

And if we do something that, you know, as we, if we choose this journey and say, Hey, I'm going to really work on developing this positive relationship with food in the body. And I'm intentionally educating myself. If I recognize that there's something that I just did that actually wasn't aligned with this change that we're trying to make, or maybe in the past, how we've handled it, let's just call it out. Like, let's just come to our children and say, Hey, I'm learning this stuff.

and I'm noticing that maybe we haven't been doing it in the way that's going to support you for being the best version of yourself or, you know, in the best way. So here's what we're going to try to do differently as we move forward. I think just being authentic and showing up for kids in that way teaches them also that lesson that it's okay to make mistakes and we're going to learn and grow from them together through them. Yeah. I coach parents on that too. I'll say things like from even in a little tiny age, toddler age, all the way, you know, through teens to say things like when the kiddo gets mad around dinnertime or something, something they can't have, or they, you know, you're withholding from them, or you get in an argument about food or some kind of a battle around food. I'll say to parents, you know, one of the things you can do is say to your kids, you know what? I don't want food to ever come between our relationship. I don't want food to be the reason why we're not getting along or we're mad at each other or we're not happy right now what can we do so that food doesn't become a problem well you can just give me the sweets and then you know because kids will say stuff like that right well if you would just let me eat what I want and you could say I know it feels like that would be the easy solution and the easy answer and it's not going to happen so what else can we do but you can have that conversation in

a matter of fact kind of way, even when they're demanding, you know, or they're being really upset because they can't have something that they want. You can be like, I know you're really upset. I always say to parents, acknowledge that they're upset. Don't get upset back at them.

Right. Just be like, yeah, I know you're so frustrated about this. Yeah. And what else can you have or what's your decision on what else you're going to eat or what else you're going to do. Let's not, cause I'm too, I love you too much to argue. That's a great love and logic one-liner.

I love you too much to argue. And I really don't want food to get in the way of our relationship. Yeah. I love that. Parents go check Aaron out, Aaron Gonzalez, nutrition.com. Thanks for coming on a second time. I look forward to partnering with you on more events in the future.

I would love that. Thank you so much for having me. thank you for tuning in to the no problem parenting podcast join jackie next time for more tips tools and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey like this podcast subscribe share or leave a review of the show your support of the no problem parenting podcast pays it forward and helps us help more families Thank you.