Turn Technology Behavior Problems into No-Problem

Welcome back to the No Problem Parenting podcast, where we choose to deal with and overcome behavior challenges with our kids. Hey, today I'm going to share with you how you can be excited for your kids to use technology. I'm going to give you some tips and tools for setting up their devices and help you prepare for how to respond to your kids when they mess up and technology becomes a problem. No problem parents view technology as a privilege and an eventual necessity. So we want to teach our kids the benefits as well as the risks and responsibilities that come with this new norm of communicating, not just with our friends and family, but with the world. How can you turn your child's technology problems into a no problem without having to be the bad guy all the time? Stay tuned. I've got some ideas for you.

Hey there, parents. Have you been quick to take technology away from your child when they misbehave? Ever since tablets, cell phones, and gaming devices have become super fun and exciting for kids, taking the devices away has become the go-to consequence that parents often use, even when that consequence doesn't fit the crime. Do you take the phone away if they come home late?

Do you take the phone away if they get a poor report card or when they're rude to someone? Now, sometimes that's an appropriate consequence if the behavior was related to the cell phone or the gaming device. But often, if their phone is taken away and it had nothing to do with the misbehavior, your child or teen is likely going to withdraw from you. And instead of focusing on what they did wrong, they fixate on not having the phone or gaming device, and they spend more time thinking about how mad they are at you.

So technology shouldn't be used to fix all problems. If the incident has nothing to do with internet use or gaming time, use a strategy that's going to help them understand and improve on the actual behavior of concern. Make sure that the strategy or the consequence fits the crime. So it's true that when we consequence our kids, we want them to have motivation to stop a poor behavior or to do something that we've asked.

But using technology as your go-to response, just because your kid really likes the technology, doesn't always help them learn from their mistake. In fact, instead of learning from their mistake or their behavior, taking the technology away can actually create more problems or distract from the actual problem. Get us like all off track with what we were even trying to consequence the kid for. And then it puts a wedge in the relationship with you and your kids.

so what can we do to prepare our kids and how can we set up a matter of fact clear expectation around technology well we start by keeping it simple parenting is complicated enough you guys so let's not make this more difficult than it needs to be start with a plan when you introduce your kiddo to technology how long can they be on their tablet that how long can they watch tv how long can they be on a gaming device do they need to plug it in at night making sure they don't have access in the evening to their device in their bedroom unless they've shown that they can be responsible with it you know for teenagers and if you already have a teenager and they've had a device for several years you might just need to have a new conversation around the the usage and amount of time that they're on it and you can say you know I've noticed that bedtime it's become a problem. You're getting kind of sucked into your Snapchat or Instagram or whatever it is and we can tell by the amount of usage that you're just on it too long and it's interrupting your sleep so we're going to need to have a new guideline around that. What do you think will work for you? Give them a little bit of control over what's going to work for them or how long they're going to be able to use it. Now what apps or games are you going to approve and what's the process for approving those apps. Make sure you're having conversations about that. It's not giving your

kid free reign to just download whatever they want is probably not a good idea if you're having issues with the technology already. Ease them into a cell phone. Start with the ability to call and text with the phone before you're opening them up to having access to the internet or apps or different things. Listen to my previous episode, episode 12, about technology and how to protect our kids. There's a great resource in there for you to explore before you give them an iPhone or Android device. What kinds of things do you allow your kids to have based on behavior? Make sure you're having conversations about that. You can say things to your kids like, I allow kids to have cell phones or I allow kids to have a tablet or gaming console, as long as that device doesn't cause a problem for you or other members of our family. Say things like, I allow kids to use their device when their homework and chores are complete. I allow kids to use their device when they've exercised and played outside or exercised in some kind of way. So making sure that you're letting your kids know when you allow technology so that when they have misbehaved or have done something like, you know, haven't finished their chores or done their homework or whatever, you can say,

oh yeah, remember as soon as you're done with your chores, you're welcome to be on your technology. spend time watching or playing the games with your kids whether that's on their cell phone and it's a it's a game on their phone or it's a gaming device be attentive when they want to show you a video game or a youtube video or you know an app or something that they have interest in and be honest if gaming isn't your thing but you know is it really tricky to sit in the same room as your child when they're playing a game and do something else. Maybe you're reading a book or going through your mail or just something where you're in the same room as your kid and you can look up every now and then or they can show you something excited that they've done on their game or they won, you know, a match on their game or whatever it is. But just being there with them every now and then is a really great idea to show some interest in what they're doing.

And then create tech-free zones, like at dinnertime. You know, I mentioned making sure that you have rules around when the child can have the device in their room and how late they're on the device, but also making sure that you have some kind of, whether it's dinnertime or just family time, game time, whatever, where nobody has a device. You know, they're sitting six feet or more away from you. You know, with cell phones, it's tricky because many people don't have home phones anymore.

So if you are expecting a call or, you know, grandma or grandpa wants to talk and, you know, it used to be the phone would ring and somebody would go answer the phone. Well, now everybody's got their own device. But still, it's not that you have to, like, have the device locked up somewhere. It's just that it's not where you're looking at the screen and, you know, watching every alert that comes on.

Maybe you turn the notifications off during dinner time or family time. You know, you can go to, there's a good resource out there called healthychildren.org. HealthyChildren.org, they help you create a family media plan and also help with timing, like how much time you can set up a media timing plan for how much time your kid can spend.

You can also use, like I mentioned in episode 12, go to Bark.us, which is a resource that helps you monitor your child's text messaging, YouTube, emails, and social networks. It'll alert you if they're getting into content or material that is dangerous or harmful to them. And then another resource that we learned in episode 12 was myactivity.google.com. Myactivity.google.com.

That's another resource. Instead of just looking at your child's browser search, like their browser history, you can go to this My Activity and it will help alert you with the kind of content that your child is searching for online. Just in case it's, you know, you've got a kiddo that's really curious and maybe accidentally stumbles upon something that they shouldn't or intentionally does. Myactivity.google.com is a good resource to help protect your kiddo from that. And you're going to want to have conversations when you're using some of these resources to help protect your kids on social media. Make sure that you don't have to be secretive about it. Make sure your kid knows this is what I'm doing as a good parent to help protect you. And someday you won't have me here to protect you. So I want to have conversations with you about this right now. I don't want to be a spy having to wonder what you're up to. And I also don't want to be a spy to not trust you and to constantly be searching on your device for what you're getting into.

So make sure you're having conversations about that up front so that your kid doesn't think that you're spying and or tricking them or, you know, just being nosy. And then be excited for your kid to have technology and be happy for them to have this privilege. You know, often we approach technology with a threat. Like even before there's a problem with gaming or having a cell phone, we caution our kids that if they make one wrong move, we're going to take the device away.

Now this can cause your kid to learn to become sneaky. Your kid will actually become more sneaky if the approach that you're taking is one of like a threat that you're always going to be like on them and that in an instant you can take their technology away. They'll become more private about what they use the device for, how long they use the device, when they use, you know, they just become sneakier and the communication breaks down between you and them because they just feel like they're always going to get in trouble or there's going to be something wrong or they're at risk of getting the device taken away. So instead, approach the privilege as just that. It's a privilege to have this and you want them to have that privilege. You believe they're responsible enough to have that. A privilege is something that your child enjoys, right? Something they get to do because they've shown respectful and responsible behavior, but they don't have to be perfect at it.

Giving a child a tablet or a cell phone, watching TV, you know, going out with friends, those kinds of things are privileges and we want our kids to be able to experience those privileges and know that we believe in them and we want to allow them to make mistakes with it sometimes. Privileges can be lost if or when your child hasn't been respectful, responsible, or safe. But when that happens and you do need to use technology as a consequence, when that happens be matter-of-fact about it. Try not to let your emotions take control of that consequence. It's okay to be upset about the misbehavior, but the consequence works better if your child is the one to take responsibility for the behavior and not you. So don't feed the problem by putting more emotion into it than your child.

If you're more worried or upset by the misbehavior, your child doesn't learn that their behavior affects them. And remember, the goal of a consequence is to teach your child self-discipline. So their poor behavior becomes the bad guy, not you. All right, there you go.

There's some tips and tools for you to help problem solve some of the behavior challenges you're having related to technology in your home. If you'd like some specialized one-on-one attention on a specific technology-related behavior problem, reach out. I'm going to put a link in the show notes so that you can schedule some one-on-one time with me and we can prepare for how you can respond to your child's technology related behavior problem. And hey, if you're finding value in this podcast, if you're learning some tips and tools that are helping you with the behavior challenges in your home, the number one way you can thank me is by sharing the podcast on your social media with your friends and family. All right, for now,

hugs and high fives. You got this, Jackie. Thank you.