Self-care for the single mom: Fill your empty cup to be a better parent with Special Guest Joy Bartholomew

Hey there, welcome back No Problem Parents. Before we get into today's episode, I'm just going to take a few minutes, a little bit of time to just review what I mean by No Problem Parenting. As our podcast has grown, especially in the last, what, four or five months, we went from a top 10% to a top 5% podcast to a top 3%. And now just about a week or so ago in February, we hit top 2%.

and you know that's really great that's awesome keep the downloads coming make sure you're sharing taking a screenshot share this podcast with your fellow parents friends because you guys we are growing and i'm bringing more guests on the show but also we're adding events and some other special free resources where we've also added a donation page to our website we have our non-profit foundation that is starting i mean you guys no problem parenting is expanding and i am doing all I can to bring free resources to you parents out there who are struggling. And I'm bringing these guests on so that you have the opportunity to do a little bit of research before you just hire anyone. You can really niche down to the specific issue or challenge that's happening in your home and really find the best coach, the best resource, the best product for you and your family. So before we get into today's episode, I just want to talk a little bit about what I mean with no problem parenting. First of all, what is a problem? When you get access to the no problem parenting course, you learn all of this information in just about an hour and a half. There's a lot of information in there. So it is broken up into small video audio segments for you and it comes with a downloadable workbook. But today I just want to review a little bit of that. A problem as defined in the dictionary is a matter or situation

that is regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome. Did you catch that? Problems are meant to be dealt with and overcome, but what do we do? We get so frustrated with our kids' behaviors that we actually often feed the behavior. And instead of overcoming it, we kind of unconsciously welcome it to stick around. I mean, how many times have you said to your kid like stop doing that or I'm going to take your iPad away or how many times have you said if you don't start behaving or you don't start listening you're never going to your friend's house again right or maybe you've said if I have to tell you one more time and then you follow that up with I'm serious right I have to chuckle because I know I've done that in my own parenting years back. My kiddo is now 17. It gets easier. Trust me, it gets scarier, but it gets easier.

There's a lot more fear that comes when our kids are independent, but that's a whole other subject. So what you're actually doing when you say things like stop doing that or I'm going to take something away, all these idle threat kind of things, what you're doing is you're actually feeding the problem. Yeah, you're inviting the behavior to stick around by threatening to do something that is ultimately going to cause you more problems right because you take the iPad away and the kid screams and then you get more mad because they're screaming and talk talking back to you or being disrespectful and then you're like caught up in the battle or when you never let them go to their friend's house or you ground them you're feeding the problem by having to number one be around a kid who's unhappy because they're not at their friend's house and then now now they're mad at you and And instead of changing their behavior, they're now misbehaving even more just to get back at you.

Right. And when you say and plus, who wants to be around a kid? You know, that's not fun to be around. And so when we ground them, we just have to be around them more.

Now, I'm not saying there's not consequences and no problem parenting. We allow lots of natural consequences, but we do so in a way that makes the kid feel the discomfort of those consequences. Not because we said they should feel bad about what they did. right? This is all about the feeling coming from the inside out. We don't have to get mad just because the kid is. So when you say, if I have to tell you one more time and your kid still doesn't do the thing, and then you tell them again and again, you're feeding the problem. And I can tell you, you're not ever going to be able to deal with and overcome your kid's behavior problems because you're constantly feeding them more. In other words, you're becoming part of the problem. So instead I want you to stay out of the problem your kids problems are not meant for you to solve directly and or by yourself your job is to guide them to solve their problems allow them to feel the discomfort of the misbehavior so that they don't want to misbehave again because it's just frankly not fun for them and it's not getting them what they want all right so how many of you listeners today have a relationship problem that you're trying to overcome right now someone in your life that's causing a problem for you or maybe they're causing a problem for someone else.

Well here's the deal. You're the leader. You're the parent. You are responsible for providing a clear vision with courage and integrity and honesty and humility and a clear focus. That is all things parenting and it's very similar to being the boss, the manager, the supervisor at a job. So great leaders help people reach their goals. How confident are you that you are the best leader for your kids? Well, here at No Problem Parenting, that is what we help you become.

So if you're ready and you're open to a new perspective, and if you're sick and tired of all things resistance, fear, worry, and behavior problems, set up a time to chat, to connect with me so that we can go over what is the best next step for you and your family. Is that parent coaching? Is that therapy? Does your child need a screening assessment? I'm going to help you decide and discover what that next best step is for you. Now, if you're like, I would just like a new perspective on parenting. I would like to learn a little bit more maybe about why my kiddo is doing what they're doing, why they're behaving the way they're behaving. Then I just highly suggest you go into the show notes, click the link and get yourself registered for the online parenting course. You guys, it's 96 minutes. You can binge watch it. It will drip out into your email once a week so that you're getting each of the three steps. There's an introduction and then three different steps. So that will drip out in an email just in case you forget because you know life is busy. And it's going to help you figure out how to change your mindset so that you're not joining in the battle and in the behavior problems. And it all starts with identifying the real problem and taking a minute to get to the root of that. 90% of the time the behavior your kid is displaying is not the actual problem. Okay. So your kids crave your leadership. It might not seem like it

all the time, but trust me, in my 30 plus years and over 50,000 hours of experience working with kids and families in their homes, you are the most reliable, safe, and trustworthy person your kids can count on. And if you're not feeling like that, then we need to work together. Parenting is not only the biggest responsibility of all time, it is also the biggest honor. So stop shooting on yourself, click the link in the show notes, set up a time to connect with me. I'll see you soon.

Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Fineman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling?

Whether you are at your wit's end or you want to have more fun as a parent, you're definitely in the right place. Now, here's your host, Jackie Fineman. All right, parents, today's guest is Joy Bartholomew. She is a divorce coach and podcast host of the Divorce Confidant Podcast, who helps women navigate divorce, co-parenting, and single mom life. Listen in as Joy and I talk about self-care for the single mom and how to fill your empty cup to be a better parent. Welcome to the show, Joy. Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here. I know that, you know, parenting is such a big issue, whether married, single, divorced, however you are in that space. It's just, there's so many components to it. So thank you so much for having me on today. Well, I'm happy to have you here and I love your podcast. So we are fellow podcasters. You have a podcast called the Divorced Confidant Podcast. I just started it in last summer of 2022. Yes. I love inspiration, but I also thrive on action. We're going to talk kind of about your three pillars of your coaching practice and your coaching work. Well, yeah,

the three pillars that I work with women on is in that divorce process itself, right? Like working through those trials and tribulations of a budget, getting all of your information together. The second one is in co-parenting, because if you can't co-parent with your spouse, your ex-spouse, then you're not, you're doing a disservice to yourself. You're doing a disservice to your children.

And it's about putting them first, putting all of your anger, your angst aside. And then the third is in that self, that single mom life into that next step, that next chapter, which is really what you're looking towards. The divorce process in and of itself is a finite amount of time. Co-parenting really kind of wanes off by the time the kids are 16, 17, 18.

And then you've got this long life ahead of you and you need to learn how to navigate that. You need to learn how to wrap your head around what that is going to entail and what you can look forward to. Because I think we get stuck in the minutia of those details rather than looking at that big picture of what's available to you, that freedom, that opportunity to find empowerment in that next stage. You are really looking to help that divorced mom become comfortable and confident in her single life. Yes, exactly. Because, you know, you're not always going to be in that stage of divorce and overwhelm, like look forward, like look at what's out there, those passions and that new purpose that you may be having because those kids aren't going to stay little forever. They're going to, you're going to be an empty nester eventually. They're going to grow up and you need to see what life looks like by yourself or if you're going to start dating or what that's going to look like as these changes evolve. And sometimes we get stuck in our place And I love that big picture and that future self look.

You know, really, I love working with women who are feeling, I don't want to say stuck, but they don't know which way to go next. You know, they're just looking for that next step in their divorce process or that next step on overcoming. You know, I have a client right now and she's like, I can't get past the betrayal. I need closure. I'm like, do you really need closure? Do you need closure? Because he's going to give you something, right? That, that you haven't heard from him before. Is he going to justify the betrayal? Is he going to justify these things for you? Is he going to make it better?

No. Or are you just going to have to deal with what that is, realize that you're not going to get from him what you need. You're going to have to get that to yourself. You're going to have to find that in a different way and you're going to have to move forward. So helping them overcome some of these mindsets, some of these obstacles, some of these blocks is what I really love doing to set them free, to let them find their way forward. Well, I absolutely love that. And you're, so it's not just about being stuck, but it's kind of like, what, what's next for me? Am I just going through the motions and just doing all the mom things and the, you know, work things and just the day-to-day stuff? Or do I actually feel like I have purpose beyond my kids, beyond the divorce,

you know, beyond my job? Like, so how does that work? What's, what's maybe some of the first things you do when, when a mom comes to you? So what I love working with moms on is looking at their calendars, looking at their schedules, right? Where is it that you are saying yes to things that are not in your zone of genius, that are not in your wheelhouse, that you're filling time? I was such a big, that was a negativity of my own, right? I said yes to everything to avoid dealing with my issues, to avoid dealing with my loneliness, rather than saying no and making that time for myself and finding that self-care routine, finding new activities that really lit me up versus just was busy work in the background. So looking at what you have obligations to that you can cut or ways you can say no or ways that you can connect with your children in a little better, more authentic way. And I think that that's when we can slow down and really finds that space that you can fill with those passions and purposes.

When we feel prepared, when we feel like we have sort of a grip on our schedule, on our budget, that's a big one. Huge. Yeah. Then I think we can feel more confident.

And then I think it helps us really manage our emotions more. Because you know how we get stuck in our head and in the negativity, in the grief, in the loss, in the shoulds. You know, we should on ourself all the time. I always tell parents to stop shoulding on yourself.

It's tricky. We can get really hung up in our thoughts. But once we can lay these plans out, the budget, the schedule, that sort of thing, we can feel more confident, right? Knowledge is power.

And if you can figure out where maybe those leaks of energy are, where that lack of confidence is coming from, then you are able to take that control back, to take that power back. I didn't know how to get into my own checking account when I was married. I didn't know what our credit card bills were. I didn't know how to find out about our investments.

I knew nothing about that. And I had to learn that process. And I think you were saying budgets are just so important. And for that very reason, I want women to be financially savvy.

Do I think that they're going to be day traders and Wall Street financial advisors? No. But if they need to learn how to manage their own budget and they're going to feel more confident, they're going to learn how to manage their emotions and be able to step out and do new things. And I think that this is that place that you can tell I get really excited.

This is that place that they can find that confidence and move through the divorce process, the co-parenting and just really step out for a little bit more, you know, of a true fulfilled life. When it comes to divorce, there's that guilt and that shame, like I left the dad or I didn't try and reconcile enough, or we didn't go to therapy. And you sit there and go through those shoulds that we can't keep doing. And that brings us down.

that brings that synergy and that energy between us and our kids, that vibe just drops and they feel that negativity. And you can't parent your kids. You can't have that relationship with them that you really want because you're bringing all this negative energy into that. And it's not fair to them either. Just like it's not fair to you. You want to make sure that you're finding your peace and you are calm. We have surrounded ourselves with friends and activities and kids and spouses and all of these things. All of a sudden, if we're by ourselves and in the quiet, it sounds deafening. It's just too much. Like how many times are you cooking dinner and you have music on or the kids are in the background and you turn the TV on just for the background noise. And sometimes it's taking that noise away and living in that space and being a little bit more mindful. Like I hear the birds, I see the colors, I taste the tastes and it's taking yourself out for dinner, doing those solo dates, going for coffee by yourself and not with a laptop in front of you, like with the guides of I'm working at the coffee shop, but enjoy the coffee. Right. And,

And it wasn't until my divorce that I actually went out and did those things by myself. I went to movies by myself because my ex had the kids in our house because we were sharing that space on certain days and I had to be someplace else. And it was through that trial and error and through that process that I was able to reconnect with things that I didn't know I did like or didn't like and reinvent myself through that.

And I love when women step out of their comfort zones, not just solo dates, but we, I did hang gliding and I've done scuba diving and we've done travel trips. I've done group trips where I knew nobody, no women on this trip. And I popped into the group yoga retreats. And all of a sudden now I've got all these new friends from it.

It's stepping outside. And that's what I love about that. Fun mom summer is giving people that opportunity to do that for themselves. And it's, it gets your, it gets your thoughts moving. Like you start to think of other things you could do that aren't on the list.

Definitely. That just gets your creativity kind of flowing and going and yeah, and helps you just really take care of you. And we don't do that enough as moms. We have all of the different hats and we are the wife, we're the parent, we're the PTA employee, but when are we ever just put on our own hat just to be us? And we don't because we're caring for everybody else.

absolutely you're really good at helping moms learn more about themselves who they are maybe they've gotten lost in being a mom or being a spouse and then that loss of dreams that that didn't work out and now they're kind of alone with the kids and yet alone and kind of going who am I what I don't even remember what did I used to like to do what feeds me what drives me exactly and insight to where your strengths are, to what fuels you, to how you want to proceed as you go forward into the single mom life.

And if you don't know what your strengths and weaknesses are, then it's very difficult for you. You're like, oh, I'm going to go over here. And maybe now you can look at it in a different way and decide what truly is going to fit who you are or who you are becoming. Because, you know, you were saying like, we don't, we weren't, or rather we aren't the same person we were when we were 20 or 30 or when we got married or before we had kids.

Like all of that has changed and evolved and your likes and activities from back then may not be your likes and activities now. And I also think as we're talking, I'm reminded of Reverend Betsy Scott. She's one of the authors in our compilation book, No Problem Parenting, Raising Your Kiddos with More Confidence and Less Fear. But really what you're helping, and I think Betsy would have appreciated having somebody like you when she was raising her children, she wrote a book called Journey to Safe Harbor.

And the inspiration behind writing the book was when her teenage daughter came to her and said, Mom, whatever you do, just please, can you do something that makes you happy? And it took her daughter coming to her because what tends to happen when we're avoiding our own stuff and we're not feeling appreciated, we're not feeling like we have a purpose. other, you know, we get so focused on our kids, which is, you know, great and fine, unless it's really because you're avoiding taking care of yourself and loving who you are.

And so we can over parent then, and we get all up in our kids' business and that can be fine when they're younger, but as they grow, kids will start to push you away even more. And then all of a sudden, like you said, you're going to become an empty nester. And so what is life like after your kiddos move on? And really it's our job as parents to want to raise them to be independent and hopefully leave the nest and want to come back or want to connect with us, but they're not going to be with us every day, all the time.

So how can people reach out to you, Joy? So I have a website, divorce-confidant.com, and you can always send me a message from there and look over the freebies and the resources that I hope are going to be a benefit to you. I also spend time on Instagram, divorce underscore confidant, and you can find me there.

I send some downloads over to Pinterest for blogs and the podcast. Awesome. So I'm going to have all the links to get in touch with you in the show notes. And I'm going to encourage moms to go over and listen to the Divorce Confidant.

That's an E on the end. Divorce Confidant podcast. Thanks so much for being on the show today, Joy. Oh gosh, thank you.

I appreciate it. Thank you for tuning in to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey?

Like this podcast, subscribe, share, or leave a review of the show. Your support of the No Problem Parenting Podcast pays it forward and helps us help more families. Thank you.