Turn Your Baggage Into Luggage; From Trauma & Fear to Confidence & Joy with Special Guest Donna Tashijan

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All right. Welcome back. No problem parents to the no problem parenting podcast, where we choose to deal with and overcome the challenges in our home. And I have a special guest on today that's going to help us do just that. Moms and dads, this guest is for you. This topic is for you. Donna Tastian is here to help us really become that confident leader that our kids crave us to be by working on ourselves, kind of dealing with how to turn our baggage into luggage. And also one of my favorite things we're going to talk about today is preparing for the worst. So let me just tell you a little bit quick about Donna. Donna is a down to earth inspirational speaker and storyteller, which I love. She's been speaking and coaching for over 25 years. Donna is the founder of Vibrant Living International. She's an author of four books and the host and founder of You Were Designed for Greatness podcast. If you're a podcast listener, which if you're listening to me today, I know you are. Go check out her podcast, You Were Designed for Greatness. She's been married to her wonderful husband for over 38 years and is the mother of three and a grandmother. Donna loves flowers,

time and nature, and you'll always see her with a cup of tea. I have one here today. We're recording in the early afternoon and I'm still drinking my tea. And you do have a passion to help people reach their full potential. So welcome to the show, Donna. Thank you, Jackie. It is a pleasure to be here today. Well, your story is amazing. And of course, I love having guests on that do the work they do because of something that they've experienced in their life, that their story led them to their calling or their niche in their field.

And so I'd like to start out just with you telling us a little bit about your story and why you are where you are today and why you started Vibrant Living International. Be my pleasure. One of the things they say about coaches is when whatever you're coaching on, you most likely overcame it. Um, so that is part of the whole process for sure. So a little bit about me, um, uh, at the age of 15, I became a mom. Um, do you remember where you were when you were 15? Yeah, I was playing volleyball and going to school. Yeah. So my world came to a crashing halt of the way I thought my teenage years were going to come at the age of 14. And it was not consensual. We'll just leave it at that in today's information. So at 15, when I would have been going into my 10th grade year,

I am a mom. And, you know, thinking about all the things you think are going to happen and all the things that you're looking forward to stop. And I had a beautiful little girl. And I did raise her.

So I finished high school before I was 17. And this was also guys before the days of the internet. So I am dating myself a little bit. And I when I finished it going to school at home, instead of going because I couldn't take my child and didn't have anybody to watch her to school. So I and those were the days where I took tests and then mailed them into the school.

They graded them and mailed them back. Yeah, before internet. Oh my gosh. It seems like forever ago, doesn't it? It does. It does. And so that's the way I graduated high school. And so I finished the remainder. I was supposed to be in 10th grade at the age of 15. So I finished three years and a year and a year and a half. I think it was all with the baby on your lap, all with the baby, all with the baby at the same time. So by 18, I was working full time and I got my own place.

Um, at that point I had been living with my parents. And so, um, I'm 18 or 18 with a three year old, just to give you an idea of all of that process. And now I've skimmed over all of the details of how I felt. The unworthiness, nobody will ever love me. My life is over. All of the non-encouraging words that were spoken. We'll leave it at that.

I think we can all kind of imagine what, you know, we're beginning with the end in mind, I guess. Right. But yeah, at 15 and then by 18, you're graduating, typically graduating high school, you're already done and you have a three-year-old and now you're moving out. You've got your own place. So for parents listening, when we think our teenagers can't do certain things, when you're forced to, and you're faced with it, you make a decision and you can, and our kids are a lot more capable than we think. Right. Yes. And for you who maybe have seen my picture. I have red hair and I have a bit of a sass around me, my mother says. So I was going to prove everybody wrong. I didn't know how, but I had that in mind. It's like somehow I'm going to prove what all those naysayers, if you will, were wrong. Now, did you know that I didn't do everything right? I was a child. And so there was a lot of things. And I told that little bitty baby. I remember sitting in my rocking chair in my room, holding this little child. And I said,

I may mess up, but I'm going to love you. And that is a big part of covering all the mistakes is coming from a place of, I'm going to love you no matter what. And there were some rough spots through the years, but learning to be able to not expect the worst we talk about. and to anticipate that something good can come out of this other than the child.

I mean, she was amazing, but something good can come out of this tragedy. And here I am, the CEO of Vibrant Living International, impacting people around the world and did that little girl who didn't feel like she could do anything know where I would be today? No, not at all. But there was a journey in there.

Well, absolutely. And we're going to fast forward a lot of that journey. People, I'm going to have the link. Don't worry, folks.

You've got to go to Donna's website and check out all the amazing things that she is doing. And one of the things I want to just step into right away is the free book that you offer online. Just go to Donna's website at iVibrantLiving.com.

And you're going to get this free book called An Umbrella on a Sunny Day. And I think the reason that this struck me so much when I met you, Donna, is that you say in there, we often prepare for the worst to happen. That's step two of my no problem parenting and program. You know, like you had just mentioned, we were expecting the worst.

We're expecting the ball to drop. And it's like there's a difference in expecting just waiting for the negative or the worst to happen and being prepared for it. And in this book, you talk about the four keys to rise above a painful past and live the life you've always dreamed of. So I would love for you to share a little bit about the inspiration for that, but also what it's going to help people do or that difference between the unexpected and the preparedness.

us. Yes. One of the title of the book, The Umbrella on a Sunny Day, came from the concept of it's sunny today, but I know it's going to rain on me sooner or later. So I'm going to bring my umbrella expecting the other shoe to drop, expecting the rain to happen, that kind of thing.

And what I noticed is I was always on guard, not just on guard against circumstances happening, but not trusting people. And you can understand that concept is not trusting people because of the trauma and disappointment. But what I began to notice is when I expected to have a bad day, I would have a bad day. My expectations would follow.

And I also parented. That's really fear. I also parented early in the day. Can you imagine when my daughter hit 14?

Yeah. You know, all of the stuff rise into the surface of trying to protect her and prevent anything from happening and all of the things. And but it's parenting from fear. Right.

And it never really works. If you say to your child, don't do or this might happen. We're not we're not parenting proactively. We're parenting from a place of fear.

And it has completely different results. And also for our mental health, anxiety and fear is huge. And if you're thinking about fear, what can go wrong all the time, we're never thinking about where we want to go or what we want things to be like. And I began to notice that whatever I really thought and gave attention to for a long period time I seem to attract. I attracted a lot of jerks in the beginning before I met my husband.

I anticipated it. And it's just amazing through all of that. So there's more, there's more of that kind of stuff in the book. I love it. I love it. And you actually do classes, you host workshops and masterclasses and things too. Who's the ideal client? Who is the person that you know, you, you know, everything about, you know, is that you can help that person, um, to really turn their baggage into luggage, you know, and, and describe what that means to you a little bit as well. Yeah. The person that, uh, I generally work with is as far as the trauma part of that goes is women who have had some type of painful childhood. And that can mean a lot of different things. It could be sexual abuse. It could be other kinds of abandonment and neglect.

Well, the way that that looks for us when we're adults is we're either one or two things, an overachiever, because I need to perform and prove that I have worth. And I'm a workaholic and I'm probably, my health is not great. I have a lot of headaches, but I'm constantly achieving, got to prove something. I'm always on the go and I don't know how to relax. To the other hand of I'm the underachiever, why bother? It's going to not work out anyway. I'm not going to even try. And your health is also, but for different reasons, it usually leads to depression, anxiety, those types of issues, as well as some fibromyalgia shows up and different kinds of pain in the body. Because when those emotions aren't dealt with, they go somewhere and they usually show up in body type of it. So those, those are the women that generally work with me and my turn your baggage into luggage. What do I mean by that? Baggage to me,

the image that I see in my mind is one of those big black construction kind of bags filled with stuff. And you don't want that bad to burst because you ever had your kitchen trash bag burst and it just is yuck. To me, that's the garbage. It's all the stuff we don't want anybody to see. We don't anybody to know about. And if I keep it tied up in this bag, it'll, I can just pretend it's not there. Luggage is your luggage you're packing. You've got a sun hat on and sunglasses and you're ready to go somewhere that you love. That's the contrast. And the, one of the biggest steps is begin to switch from it's going to go wrong to what if it could go right? What if all of this junk in my life could turn into something good? It's switching the belief that somehow everything that's happened to me can work for my good and become a more confident person. So then in turn, I can be a more confident parent and instill hope instead of fear into my children. That's one important step. And that's one of the things that your clients say about you. That's one of the things I learned about you right away when I met you is that you do have a knack for turning the fear into excitement and exposing those lies that we tell ourselves, those negative things that we are just, we kind of are on a hamster wheel and we're just stuck in the negativity. People say this all the time, you know, you're your worst critic,

you're meaner to yourself. Like the things we say to ourselves sometimes, we would never think to say to a dear friend, much less a stranger. But yeah, we'll tell those things to ourselves. But they're not true. And often fear isn't true. No, most of the time fear is false evidence appearing real. I love that. It's false evidence. And in your mind, it's appearing real, but it's not. Mark Twain said, I have feared a whole lot of things and some of them happened.

We can spend so much energy with the fear thoughts, the what if the bad stuff happens thoughts that we don't even enjoy life, that we don't even enjoy our children. I remember one time my son, he probably was nine or 10. He wouldn't cooperate. I'm trying to get us out this door for to get it and get on the bus, you know, and it's just one of those mornings. You guys know what those mornings, you can't find the shoes, you can't find the, the homework, they won't cooperate, they won't get dressed. And I said to him, I needed to, to check his hair. And I said to him, would you get your butt in the bathroom? And he was standing outside the bathroom door and only stuck his butt in. And everyone in the house just cracked up. It was in the whole tension broke. And I'm like, we just need to relax. We need to enjoy those goofy moments when everything isn't going okay. And so when we begin to be more confident and relax and love ourselves and get healing from the stuff that's happened to us, we can then enjoy and be goofy, loving parents,

as opposed to uptight, everything's got to go right, control those kinds of parents. yeah we're so worried about uh our kids being harmed or hurt or not doing well or all of that and so we're parenting from that fear-based kind of what if stuff expecting that something's happening which is much different than preparing for it so i like to say to parents prepare what is the worst fear so first of all think about what is that worst fear and is it true and could it happen and what would happen if it happened right so you can be prepared now i'm not talking trauma or fear, but I'm talking like behavior or, you know, some of those things that can happen.

So you can be prepared for it. When we're prepared, we're more confident. Excuse me. I like your analogy of the umbrella, because even though we can, we can reframe that in a couple of different ways, you brought the umbrella expecting it to rain, right? But you can also reframe that and say, Hey, if it does rain, I've got my umbrella all as well. And then keep her moving right onto the next thing. So we're not great at that. What are some initial, maybe, you know, two or three things that if a parent is listening today and they're kind of parenting from that fear, nervous, worried, hurry, get it, everything done, do everything right. Kind of mentality. What are some first steps? One of the first steps is I have my clients create a gratitude journal and the, everything that they're thankful for in their own life, as well as the things they're thankful for, for their children. When you begin to notice all of the things that your kids are doing right, it's not as big a deal for the smaller things. And it's the same for yourself as celebrating all the things that's going well. And it shifts when you begin to look for gratitude, it shifts your perspective and you see everything different. That's a popular thing for people to suggest these days is that gratitude journal. But I think it's not just about, I am grateful for, and you know, the sunny day or that, like, it doesn't have to be big things.

I'm grateful for waking up. I'm grateful. I slept good. I'm grateful. My kid went to bed on time.

I'm grateful. I had milk in the fridge this morning for breakfast and like the things that, And so with my gratitude journal, oftentimes what I will do is I'll think of the things that the bad days that didn't go well, that I didn't have time or didn't think to do a gratitude journal, maybe that day or something. Right. But I'll think of those things and then they happen one day, but they don't happen every day.

So when they don't happen, what am I grateful for? And those are the kind of things that I write in my gratitude journal that seem like. I totally agree with you. This is an actual, I mean, whether you create a journal or not, just do it all day long.

It's just constantly thinking, I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for that. I wanted steak for dinner, but I'm thankful for my chicken and rice. You know, it's like whatever it is that is going on is just choosing to be thankful for it.

And I'm thankful for your child's smile, you know, thankful for warm hugs all along the way. Enjoy every stage of your children's life. I'm now a grandmother. So I have a way different perspective on all of the things that, man, I wish you noticed things in your grandkids that you wished you'd taken more time with with your children.

And so I think that's just inevitable. I hear that and it's like, I think I, you know, I'm not a grandmother yet or anything, but I can just imagine that. But then you do have more time and we have to give ourselves grace when we're a parent, we're doing all the things we're doing all the things, but yeah, to be able to, in those moments when things are basically going well or something good did happen, or you avoided a disaster or, you know, a meltdown or whatever, just to stop and pause for just a quick second, even if you don't write it down, but just to think it, I am grateful for, you know.

Well, if you think about a flower toward the sun, praise or gratitude in that type of encouragement is like our children respond to that. And so do we. You know, you get somebody who says that was a great job or that was great. Whatever it was, baking, whatever, anything in the world.

That was a great job. And we stand a little taller. and so do our children. But when you're parenting from fear, you're always trying to avoid them from making a mistake and I miss the encouragement stuff.

I miss the, that was a really good job when you did that. At least I didn't do it enough. And when I'm focusing on that gratitude piece, it helps me to notice it. It helps me to call attention to it.

And to me, so it's not just the journal. Yes, they're really popular, but they're popular for a reason because it works. So whatever that looks like for you, but begin to institute that and you will be amazed at the transformation in your home. Yeah, absolutely. So gratitude journal or gratitude thoughts, whichever it is, you know, right now on the grocery list, as soon as you think of it, that's a good one.

And what's another thing that parents can do for themselves? Because again, this is your coach. You're not coaching parents on parenting. You're coaching parents to build that confidence and that esteem within themselves that they are enough.

Right. And their baggage. Yep. It's there.

And they can turn it into luggage, kind of getting out of that pessimism or the doom and gloom or the chaos of the busyness and staying busy just to feel like you're busy, you know? Yeah. Yes. Look and see what information you're taking in. I mean, you're listening to this podcast. So that's one is like, what are you, what information are you taking in to be if, if something causes you to be fearful, stop doing it.

You don't have to know. There are so many people that it's watching the news. It's fear-based. And so it's not ever inspirational. And so if that bothers you, then somebody will let you know if there's anything urgent. Believe me, you'll find it somewhere. You don't have to seek it out.

One of the other things is how are you taking care of you? That's a huge component of, you know, what does that look like? Do you need to, I know, I know as I say this, you're probably saying in your head, but you don't know how busy I am, but I do because I was there, but I do know, but finding 15 minutes to do a yoga from a YouTube video, a meditation, taking some, whatever that recharging is for you, because when you're better, our kids are better. It just is as, and so find, it's a buzzword to say self-care so much that people don't always even hear me when I say it, but begin to figure out how can I take care of me and learn to be able to figure that out with whatever support system you have, but do something that refreshes and recharges you.

And then you will notice everything else goes smoother. Yeah, I agree. And I think that sometimes the problems get more attention than they deserve. and we put so much energy into whether it's a behavior problem with our kid, it's a work issue, it's a financial issue, whatever it is.

We put so much time and energy into the problem that we're feeding that problem and it actually creates more problems. So taking some time to pause, to notice the good around, the tiny little nuggets of good in your everyday life will help pull your mind, shift your mind from, you know, that kind of fight or flight, right. You know, doom and gloom waiting for the ball to drop to the optimism of, Hey, I'm okay right now here and here.

And today I'm okay. Yep. Absolutely. I got this.

All right. So let us know, tell us a little bit about what it looks like to coach with you. I know there's lots of coaches nowadays. There's lots, lots of virtual coaching.

Some people like the in-person more than the virtual. If that is holding you back, there's nobody in person. You don't have the time because you don't have the care for your kids to be able to go to another appointment. I tell a lot of times clients that come to me too, they would have never other normally done online coaching that wasn't on their radar to do that.

Virtual coaching is not only time-saving, money-saving, and it is personalized. customized yes to you and you're in your own space it's way less vulnerable so tell us what your coaching looks like i have one-on-one and group coaching both are available um and i have several programs the way that people start with me is a conversation with me um you can use the word consultation i call it a virtual chat let's just talk um and get acquainted with each other and see what might be the best resource for you.

If I'm not it, I'm going to recommend someone that is. So because Jackie, you and I are in to help people. That's what it's all about. That's our motivation with it all.

So that's the way we would begin. And it is. And to me, I think virtual coaching has given us the capability of helping more people much quicker and easier for everyone, the client, as well as the coach. Yes, absolutely. And if you're a parent out there that has gone through some sort of trauma, again, whatever that looks like, looks like for you, because of your experience and going through your own trauma, Donna, you are able to identify some of those root causes of why that kind of stays in our bodies or in our minds. And we carry that with us and then how to how to get rid of that.

Yes. And move forward. Yeah. So that's awesome. Go find the You Were Designed for Greatness podcast.

It's very possible by the time this podcast is aired that I will have gone under a name change. So it's possible that the podcast will be called the Vibrant Living Podcast. So check that out. And it is an inspirational podcast. That's the purpose of it.

perfect and it's a way way to get you filled up give you some good ideas how to switch that mindset really help people focus on where they want to go not where they don't want to go and you have some programs you have the empowering habits program uh life by design turn your baggage into luggage and then you also offer a support group so parents be sure to go check out donna's website, ivibrantliving.com and to go ahead and get that free book, which I just absolutely love the title of it. I think that it's quite creative, An Umbrella on a Sunny Day. Thank you so much for being with me today, Donna. My pleasure, Jackie. Thank you.

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