Courageous Conversations with Your Teen; Get past one-word responses with Special Guest Elizabeth Bennett

Hey, hey, welcome back. No problem parents. In today's episode, you're going to meet Elizabeth Bennett, who not only was one of the 21 authors in my book, No Problem Parenting, Raising Your Kiddos with More Confidence and Less Fear. Today, November 22nd, 2022, she is launching her own book. She's publishing her book called Courageous Conversations. So make sure to send her some love, get over to Amazon. You can purchase the Kindle version of that or paperback and we'd all just be really grateful for the support that you're giving Elizabeth Bennett. She is amazing. She's got many years of experience in the school system working with kiddos tweens and teens and she just is going to teach us how to have more meaningful courageous conversations which is step three of No Problem Parenting is all about changing the conversation with our kids and Elizabeth's going to help you do just that. So if you want more meaningful conversations with your teenager,

if the fear of them getting into trouble or being bullied or them being the bully is keeping you up at night, if you're asking yourself if you're ever going to get past monosyllabic responses, you know, the questions to your day like, I'm fine, I don't know, whatever. You were a teenager once, but raising a teen today looks very different and you want the best communication to stay connected and to keep your kiddos safe.

So Elizabeth's going to provide the tools that she's learned and developed herself as a teacher and school administrator. Through gripping examples of her real life experience, Elizabeth presents solutions for parents to relate meaningfully with their teens. You're going to learn how to understand what your teen struggles to tell you, create formative school connections, talk through the struggles, reframe behaviors, and so much more by getting a copy of her book, Courageous Conversations. All right. And today I'm going to interview Elizabeth. You're going to hear a little bit directly from her. So stay tuned. This is going to be a fun episode. And before we get into the episode today, parents, make sure that you're going into the show notes and clicking on the link to join our No Problem Parenting program.

become a No Problem Parent for just $297. This offer is good through this Friday, November 26th, and then the offer is done. The link is right there for you in the show notes. Enter coupon code 9YEARS at checkout, and you're going to get $100 off of that program today through Friday, November 26th. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Fineman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be?

Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling? Whether you are at your wits end or you want to have more fun as a parent, you're definitely in the right place. Now here's your host, Jackie Fineman. So I want to welcome you today, Elizabeth Bennett. Thanks, Jackie. It's a pleasure to be here with you. I'm so excited to have this conversation. You are one of the authors in our No Problem Parenting book, Raising Your Kiddos with More Confidence and Less Fear.

And your chapter on courageous conversations is truly one of my favorites. Well, thanks. That's awesome. I'm excited for parents to read it.

You literally write it as a day in the life of a teenager. And I'm not going to give it away, but I'm telling you, I wanted the chapter to keep going. I wanted to learn more by the time I was done. And you have your own book that's coming out called Courageous Conversations.

And I can't wait for parents to read that and to learn more about you. So let's just start with a little bit of your background. You're an award-winning school principal. Tell us how that happened.

It's about servant leadership and being able to help support students and teachers and parents. And it was something that one of my teachers happened to put forward to our school district. And yeah, and that's how that happened. So I'm, I was honored by it.

I was thrilled by the opportunity to be recognized because, you know, most often I'm just got my head down and we're doing things in our school and, you know, and, and that's just, yeah. And that's just what you, well, you're very humble. You have had many years of experience. You've seen a lot of things, your heart and your passion.

While you can help any child or, you know, parents help their kids of any age, you really focus in and your heart and your passion is for those teenagers. And today we're going to talk about how to have those conversations with our teen and find out what's really going on with them. Sometimes they, you know, they start to pull away from us or disconnect from us as they hit those teenage years. and you really help parents stop the yelling, come up with a plan together on how to navigate the teenage world and bring a little bit more calm into your home and some happiness regarding your relationship with your team. So tell us a little bit about why, how you started, when you started Courageous Conversations and sort of the inspiration behind that.

Well, I mean, this has been a long journey, probably as long as the time that I've been in education. Part of it was from my own background and just the struggles and not being able to connect with anybody and not feeling safe enough from time to time in my own home. And so it was there in the background and in my heart. And as I got into education, I noticed lots of kids in a similar kind of way where they didn't have a place or a space to have conversation.

They, you know, struggling with their own, either whether it's lifestyle or things that are going on in their home or, you know, the uncomfortable spaces and places at school where, you know, if they were bullied or, you know, people were saying not nice things and so on, because we know that happens, that's kind of the impetus for it. And then, you know, for a period of time, I thought, I'm going to find this. I'm going to find this cure.

I'm going to be the one that's going to have the magic bullet for, you know, taking away bullying and helping with the world and, you know, being rich and famous and all that stuff. And then that moved away from my heart. And it was like, wait a minute. As I was going through the years and having those conversations with students and having those similar kinds of conversations with parents, saying that they were experiencing the same thing with the disconnect with their kids, with not knowing what's going on, not understanding the pressures of school.

Because we don't think about that, right? We just think, oh, don't worry about it. it'll be okay and so on and as I continued with that sort of okay what's the next step what do we do how do we solve this problem then it dawned on me really that it's about community and it's about all of us having input and having the support and having that you know then for lack of a better word the net that's going to hold the space being able to help support kids And so through that, it was like, well, maybe I ought to write about this.

And so you did. Not only are you an author in our book and our No Problem Parenting book, but you also have written your own book. Yes. Yeah, I'm thrilled about that.

And that really was along the way, too, because it started. I think the biggest part of it was when I was in a school as a vice principal and there was a real struggle going on with a group of girls in grade six. And that's typically the beginning of the dysfunction with bullying and separation and girls stuff, all that drama that goes along with it. And so I was seeing this pattern of behavior that I really wanted to put an end to and to give them some strategies and to give them some tools to be able to have those conversations with each other.

And so I went to the community, and that was part of the aha moment for me, where I had a couple of police officers, and I had someone from victim services, and I had people from the local community service organization. And we sat at a table together and said, okay, how can we come up with something that's going to help support these students? so um you know there were a couple of well-known authors who had just been had just launched their own books at that point in time so barbara colaroso and um michelle borba you know people that i was familiar with so i i grabbed some of their materials and you know and asked for permission to use them and peter paul and mary had come up with a program at that particular time so you know there were bits and pieces of all of that that we put together to be able to help support these students so we did a one-day workshop with them and we called it group dynamics so that parents wouldn't get upset about the whole idea that we were actually dealing with bullying and so we ran that program and then I had that program that that I enhanced and gave a step-by-step that version of it so that it could be implemented in the school if they wanted to and to help support with that.

And so that went off to a couple of schools in the in the community that I had been working with and it moved along from there. And then I had a conversation with a large group of principals and had some conversation about, OK, how could this program be used and how could you implement parts of it in your school? and then I met with the in that school year where I presented this program in our own school I had the the grades because by this point in time the kids were now in grade seven and I had them line up in the gym and I said okay from zero to ten tell me what you think that the culture and the climate is for you in this school and the majority of those kids before this program stood around three, which was scary for me because I thought, okay, you're not feeling safe here. How do we need to change that? So then we put into place that program. When they were in,

they went through that and we had conversations and the teachers were great too because they continue to have that conversation in their classes, in subject areas, and being able to blend it in with, and also because I happen to work for a Catholic school district. So there was that component as well to be able to enhance it for the students. Then we moved into grade eight and again, I took them to the gym at the beginning of the year and I put the zero to 10 on the wall and I said, okay, now tell me where you think you might be. And I was hoping maybe they would move to a five. Most of the kids were at seven or eight and it was like, okay, now I get it. We need this community to be able to help support these kids. So that's really the beginning of what happened.

And that was a significant time ago in my career. And so through the years, I just kept asking the questions and trying to figure out what was it that was going to help kids feel supported and secure and so on. And one of the other things that came up with that, that we often lose sight of, and it's not intentional, but we don't value kids' opinion because we don't ask them. We think that because we're adults, we have all the answers, we know everything, and so therefore it should be this way and that's it. Well, this way is only one way. And if we have conversation with kids and we understand their perspective and understanding versus judgment, which is what I talk about in the book, to be able to really truly listen to them and hear about what they're saying and what their thoughts are and so on. It doesn't take anything away from your being a parent. It's more of a conversation so that you're able to really understand and they feel heard and they feel valued and they feel, in most cases, loved if they're able to accept that. And then there's an opportunity for an opening to do and say and be a little bit different than they were before.

I love that you say that we're asking for the kids' opinions. We're inviting them into the conversation. We're learning from them. It's not just adult directed. How likely were the students to participate? Did, you know, cause I often think of there's a certain group of kids that want to be involved. They want, they want to share their experience. They want to share what, you know, life is like at school and or at home, but there's a, I think even bigger population of kids who aren't interested in that or are too shy or, you know, whatever the reason is where they're just, they're not into that. So how did you engage those kids? Well, I mean, it was a struggle at first, like most things, you know, kids are resistant to anything that where they have to sort of open up or be honest or take a look at things. And so for that particular program, I mean,

you know, we just said that this is what we'd like to do in order to give you some skills and and strategies and so on. And, you know, lots of times with kids, it's not about having them come to the office or, you know, or, or putting them into a place that's confrontational, but rather, you know, there were times where I sat on the floor and we ate yogurt or, you know, or we'd go for a walk or it would be, you know, after I was coaching an activity and we would sit and say, Okay. So I've noticed that, you know, it was about bringing out stuff that, so tell me a little bit more about this or, you know, rather than the closed end of questions.

So tell me what's going on, you know, that doesn't always work, but being able to say, hey, I've noticed that you're not engaging or, you know, that you're looking a little sad. I mean, some of it is guesswork, too. Some of it is putting something out there and seeing how they respond and being able to engage them a little kind of hook to engage them into saying, OK, so what's happening? No, I love that. Step three of no problem parenting is all about changing the conversation. And we do a lot of noticing and wondering in step three.

it's exactly like you're saying. It just, it, it melts my heart actually, because there's so much power in that. There's so much, there's so much connection in noticing and wondering. So just saying, I've noticed that they can come back and say, oh no, that's not right. Right. Or whatever they want, but it just opens the door for the, for the conversation. And I wonder if, and then fill in the blank. I wonder if you're feeling included. I wonder if you feel like you're not belonging. I wonder if you're feeling out of sorts or out of place or, you know, just opening up the conversation that way. And even if they don't say a whole lot at first, typically you've just gained some clout. What's another word for that? You've gained a little ground with them, right? You're moving a little bit closer to, to a connection because I think oftentimes, um, you know, we,

we ask questions like, you know, how was your day? Well, you're going to get, so how was your day? Fine. Cause this is my favorite kind of conversation. Fine. So what'd you do today?

Right? So the parent is engaged in that conversation. So what'd you do today? Cause they're curious. Well, nothing. Well, what do you mean you did nothing? Right? And there's that change of voice. There's that more directed and almost attacking and not intentionally, but just it's just where the parent is. They become frustrated. And so you've been at school for, you know, seven or eight hours. What do you mean nothing has happened, right? So up goes the hoodie, in goes the earbuds, out comes the phone and off they go. Now they're heartbroken from the standpoint, the teen is heartbroken from the standpoint of you haven't asked the right questions. And do I have to tell you how to ask me a question? You don't seem to be interested in really what's going on. But the parent's intention is honorable by asking the question to begin with. That's the first thing that comes to their mind. But then they're left frustrated and angry and isolated as well, because now they're standing in the kitchen or the living them or wherever they are. And they're heartbroken too, because they don't know how to connect.

Yeah, exactly. What are some of your tips or tricks or strategies that can lead parents to having conversations with their kids? Well, one of them is understanding versus judgment. And just being able to really truly listen to what's going on. Sometimes what they're saying, and sometimes what they're not saying and how, whether it's the body language.

And again, it was like we were just talking about, right? Being able to really step into something that's different because it is going to take courage. If it's not something that you're comfortable or familiar with, then it's going to take a little bit of time. And as well, it's going to be a little bit tricky for your kids to want to listen to if it's not the way that they've been hearing you.

Because we have filters for listening and we have filters in terms of, you know, showing up with the stuff that's behind us with our own baggage and so on. So we need to be able to move some of that away and really ask a question or a comment or an encouraging space to move into and say, hey, you know, I'm just trying to have this conversation with you. I'm not trying to judge you or anything else. I just want to hear what's going on because I really am interested.

And there you begin to move forward and create a space where hopefully there's going to be some trust in that. Because if it's not something that you've been used to doing, you can say, look, I'm trying something new too. Can we at least start the conversation? Yeah.

And I think a lot of times if you're not used to having great conversations with your teens right now, one of the best things I think you can do is go and just out that, you know, have a moment where you sit down and say, you know what? I've just been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't feel like I'm communicating well with you. I don't feel like our connection is very strong.

I am guessing I am a lot to blame for that because I haven't been approaching you, you know, in the right way. and that's really bumming me out and I want things to be different. You know, can we call a truce or can we try again? I'm new at this too.

I've never had a teenager or, you know, like I've been stressed or I've been whatever and that's on me and I just wanna try again. Yep, and that's the value in that space of trust too because you're being more vulnerable. And that's a, you know, that's a strategy that we often put aside. No, I'm supposed to be this way because we compare ourselves to everything else that's going on in the world.

You know, I need to show up this way. I need to speak this way as a parent. I need to be in control. Nobody's taking any of that away, but it's just a different way to be able to connect.

And, you know, another thing too is, or another tip or strategy is about dedicated listening and being able to really be intentional in your listening with your child. Now, whether that's, you know, because often parents have suggested to me, well, a good place for me to have conversation with my kid is in the car. And I said, great, that's at least a space. Now, the luxury of that or the bonus of that is that you're close enough and far enough away.

You don't have to look at each other because that can be intimidating all by itself. And that's very judgmental. in the appearance of it typically by the kid because they don't want to look at you because that might mean that they need to share something so even with that that's a space in that intentional time or that that dedicated focus is just about the two of you because that's often lost often you know and particularly if if there are more than one sibling in the house you know you do stuff in a bunch and there isn't that focused or intentional time to really be with one child and even if it's only 15 or 20 minutes even if you don't you know if if it's not they don't have to be lengthy conversations however it's a different kind of start and it can be blended with you know the understanding and versus judgment and and it's not like these are i'm going to try just this or or I'm going to, it, this is a flow of things that, that parents can use and can be part of.

Absolutely. And again, it's a space of look at, we, you know, we don't spend a whole lot of time together. I just want to know what's going on with you. You know, I'm a little worried, or I'm a little concerned, or, you know, like you said before, you know, we don't spend enough time together. I just want to find out what's going on. Yeah. I miss you. You know, I just want to hear more about what's happening. You don't have to tell me everything. Sometimes you have to say that to your kids. I don't need you to tell, I don't want to know everything you're doing necessarily. Right. I don't need to know everything you're doing. Just give me a little bit. Let me in a little bit. You know, I think as our kids get older, I think, um, and they're getting near that time of leaving the nest. I think sometimes as parents, we put too much responsibility on ourselves that we need to make sure that they're well-prepared, they're making good decisions and choices and that they know the right way to do things. And we're sure going to be there to tell them the right way. And it's like, oh man, that's too much pressure. So, so many times our kids know better than us on how to navigate their every day, because we don't know what they're going through. We are, times are different. So I think a lot of times parents need to just sit back, listen, find out what the kid's dealing with, what they're struggling with,

what's happening and then just ask them how they're doing with it. And if they would like any support, you're there, you're available. And I think the other piece of that too, is that we don't recognize all of the things that, that kids carry with them every day. So lots of that, and, and we slough it off and say, oh, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal, but it is for them because they feel it, that it's very heavy and it takes up a lot of space. So things like, you know, who are my friends and do I have any and do I fit into this group? And, you know, am I wearing the right things? Am I showing up? You know, what am I going to, what's next? Do, am I ready for this course? Am I going to fail? I just feel, you know,

unsupported. I'm, and tons and stress and, you know, the social media stuff because they get involved with that kind of thing. You know, am I capable? I don't feel like that I know enough in this class. I don't feel like I'm enough. Like tons of that stuff is just heavily weighted on them that they don't often recognize all of it, but that's what they carry around with them.

And so that becomes a heavy burden that they deal with every day and they don't know how to express it, to tell you about it. And so that's part of, of that, that space of being vulnerable and saying, Hey, you know, I, I see that you'll look a little sad or something. Then you can open that door to saying, okay, so tell me a little bit about what's going on. Yeah. I think sometimes depending on how you parented them through those tween years and, and, uh, all growing up, I think sometimes Sometimes kids either don't want to have a conversation and let you in on what's going on in their life because they're either worried that they're going to get in trouble and you're going to lecture them or that they're going to let you down and you're going to worry about them.

I think those are kind of two key things. So what are some ideas you'd have for how you can set boundaries with your kids without it being an all in all out war at the same time gaining compliance from them to doing things, but without that like battle or just doing it because I said so. A lot of that has to do with conversation. like let's sit down and and i'll and i know that there are parents out there because i can hear my own parents in the background thinking you know i'm it's my way and i've told you so and this is it's not that space anymore and so this is an opportunity for us to sit down together as uh you know with our teen or with the family combination or so on and be able to have those conversations about why it's important to have this. Why is it important to have this boundary or compliance and so on? Because in the bigger picture of it, you're contributing to the family and you're contributing to the success of what happens and what goes on. And if we don't set some boundaries, if we don't have a little bit more compliance going on, then there is chaos.

And that's, you know, that's another space that I talk about in the book is about going from chaos to calm. You know, these are, it's about having conversation now. It's about establishing a relationship. It's about being vulnerable together and saying, hey, you know, it's not working this way.

So rather than continuing to yell and have these frustrating conversations or lack thereof, and everybody goes their separate way and we don't solve the problem, then we're going to continue to have it. So that's why I want us to sit together, to understand what's going on and to see sometimes the necessity of putting things in place so that we get stuff done so that there is more harmony in the family, that we can, you know, have more excitement, have more joy, have more fun without this frustration.

and my parents don't get me or I don't understand my kid. Because those are the polars. And so I want to be able to bring them closer together to be that bridge so that they get a chance to see what's possible. Right.

And really, you're talking about having those conversations. They're still your child. You're not their friend quite yet. The friendship stuff gets to happen maybe a little bit later in life.

but by inviting them in the conversation and treating it like this is, this is how our household needs to run. This is what's going to help me out. I'm here to help you out, you know, and having, having sort of that almost an agreement on what's going to help them because they're in school and they're in sports and they're in extracurricular activities and they're really busy. And so maybe some chores are going to be put by the wayside until the weekend and you're not going to harp on them because of it.

You're going to help them out. But then, you know, you're busy at work and doing all the running and whatever. And so on the weekend, you'd like some extra time. So, you know, maybe the kid can contribute a little bit more than or whatever it is, just having some agreements around that.

And then and then not just going right directly to yelling all the time. I think yelling is it's our it's a reaction a lot of times for us when we're frustrated. but we need to understand that when they're yelling at us or they're doing the eye roll or whatever else that's kind of their reaction to when they're stressed and tense and done right with the week so in our in our existence fear is the the thing that's underneath it all right and so being able to say look i've had a a bad day so in the book i you know i make a reference to pink song, you know, that shitty day thing. So I just laugh about it because I think it's really funny. But even with that, being able to say, look, this is what's going on for me, or, you know,

something happened at work or, you know, or I'm feeling stressed about, you know, a test that I have coming up and I don't know my stuff or, you know, being able to be vulnerable from both standpoint, from the teen's perspective, as well as the parent. And because that's how they learn. If they continue to see yelling and they, because when people yell, you can't hear anything because we're so busy yelling. So you don't, you can't hear what's underneath it, what the request is or what the direction is. And so it's a space of being able to, okay, can we just stop doing this. Let's sit together and let's have some conversation about what's going on. The perspective needs to be shifted. We can't just be this hierarchical space like we might have had experience in our own lives. Because, you know, I mean, in my background and growing up,

kids should be seen and not heard. Money doesn't grow on trees. Only speak when you're spoken to. you know, that kind of stuff, which is of a time because that's what my parents experienced.

Well, we've come a long way that the pendulum has swung way in the other direction. And so we need to be able to find some place sort of in the middle, right? Because that pendulum is going to swing back and forth in the middle. It's not going to be balanced. It's not going to be, this is not a an answer that's going to be magically changed this is a work in progress and we all need to be part of it to make things work I mean it's the same thing in a workplace are you going to continually go in and be frustrated all the time or are you going to find a little tiny bit of courage in there and say look at this isn't working as well as I would like and I'm sure it's not working for you so you're acknowledging that other person and in this particular case, your team, you're acknowledging them and saying, what do you think? You know, and giving them that voice to be able to say, it's not working for me either. So you've written a book called Courageous Conversations, a guide for parents to understand and connect with their teens.

I encourage parents to go out and get that book. I know just that little chapter that you wrote in our book, our compilation book, had me wanting to read more. So I'm excited to read the book. And I look forward to partnering with you, Elizabeth, on more.

We're going to do some more events and things together because it is so important that when we're feeling at odds with our teens, that we really just take a pause, step back a minute and say, OK, hey, what's my goal here? Do I want a relationship with my teen? And if I do and what I'm doing right now isn't working, I need to find the courage to change that conversation and try some try some new things. and you've got lots of new ideas in your new book.

So I encourage parents to go out and read it. I appreciate you being on the show so much today. Thanks, Jackie. It's been an honor and a pleasure.

And I look forward to many more opportunities and adventures that we can go on together to certainly help support families. And that's what we're all about, helping you help your kids. We want to reach more families. And the way that we can do that, one of the easiest ways that we can do that is to have you like, subscribe, leave a comment or a review of this podcast.

Take a screenshot, share it on your favorite social media and tag at No Problem Parents. You're going to get a chance to receive a free copy of No Problem Parenting, raising your kiddos with more confidence and less fear. And we'll announce the winner on November 30th. Tune in next time on Thanksgiving Day.

Actually, we're launching another episode all about gratitude and how you can be grateful even when you're kind of frustrated with your kids. All right. See you next time. Thank you.