The Fearless Factor; Understanding your fear & taking courageous action with Special Guest Jacqueline Wales

Hey there, No Problem Parents. Hey, before we get into today's episode, which I'm super excited to share this episode with you today, all about fear and the fear factor. But before we get into that, make sure that you head over to the show notes, click on the link, get your $100 off coupon to become a No Problem Parent. We've enrolled several new parents into our program in the last couple of weeks. And I mean, for $297, really, you are going to learn ways to talk to your kids differently, to get them to listen to you, to enhance and build, rebuild your relationship with your kiddos, get off the fear bus, stop yelling, stop arguing. You know, are you exhausted from handing out consequences that never work? There's a reason those consequences don't work.

And I'm here to help to show you how it's possible to be able to actually give your kid a natural consequence. Let them be upset about it. You don't have to be. And you're actually going to preserve your relationship with your kid at the same time. Lots of stories I could share with you about how I actually make that possible and make that happen. We don't have to feel sorry for the kids. We don't have to convince or give in. I just literally help you tailor the conversation that you're going to have with your kids so that you can find success in your interactions with them.

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Welcome to the No Problem Parenting podcast. Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Fineman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling?

Whether you are at your wits end or you want to have more fun as a parent, you're definitely in the right place. Now here's your host, Jackie Fineman. Hey parents, what if you could change the way you look at fear? Jacqueline Wales has a deep understanding of what's behind fear and the questions that you can ask yourself to break through limiting beliefs and stories that may be causing you to play small in life. You're going to discover how to framework your ideas about fear and failure so they serve you instead of hold you back. Now, Jacqueline developed a fearless approach herself after enduring and then breaking away from a nightmarish family to establish new patterns and to find peace. She's now an author, a keynote speaker, and trusted advisor to successful high-achieving women, and she's an unwavering champion for being fearless. In our conversation today,

we talk about key ideas and questions from her latest book, The Fearless Factor at Work, which I highly recommend, by the way, especially if you've ever allowed your fears to get in the way of speaking up or taking courageous action. Welcome to the show, Jacqueline. I am thrilled to have you here today. Thank you, Jackie. Pleasure to be here. I am in awe of the lifetimes that you've lived. I'm amazed at your resilience and your ability to push through fear. And I'm just excited for parents, for other moms out there to hear from you and your story of resilience.

I'm just going to have you jump in and begin with what you mean by your life has been driven by motherhood. So we'll start right at the very beginning. I grew up in a very abusive home where my father, an alcoholic, was very violent at times and we were poor. So there was always a struggle to put food on the table and so forth.

and I also had a brother who was severely at the time we called it retarded because when he was born he couldn't see properly he couldn't talk he couldn't walk and basically it was a result as I heard many many years later my mother trying to give herself an abortion until she was five months pregnant because my father said he would kill himself if they had another child because they couldn't afford it. So, you know, that was the origins right there. I then left home at a very early age, moved from Edinburgh, Scotland to London. And I got pregnant because I was basically sleeping with anybody who wanted to sleep with me because I was looking for love in all the wrong places. And I got pregnant. And I was supposed to give the child up for adoption at birth,

but I couldn't. So I had her for three months before I finally had an incident one night where it was obvious that the behaviors from childhood were definitely going to damage this young life. And I decided then that it was time to give her away. And I did. And so she was given up her adoption. Then I got married about maybe a year and a half later. And I ended up with a son. And three and a half years later, a divorce. And I left my son with his father in London.

Then I moved to San Francisco. And of course, my life was a complete wreckage. You know, one thing after another, after another, there was a lot of drugs and alcohol and a lot of abusive behaviors, self abuse behaviors. And I finally moved to San Francisco, where I met my husband, who I've now been with for 43 years.

And we decided that we would try for a child. And I was terrified. I was like, you know, I've already done two of them and I definitely don't want to do any more. So we decided that we would get help.

I would have a baby and we would get help, i.e. a nanny, to help me take up some of the load. And so we had our first child, Serena, who is now 36 years old and an amazing and a beautiful person. And then about 14 months later, his daughter or my husband's daughter arrived from Thailand, a complete stranger. And I had to learn how to be a stepmother and a mother at the same time. And that meant, of course, you know, a lot of challenges right there. Step parenting class in order to figure out how to do it right. And then about another, I don't know, three, four years later, I had my last child.

And because I felt like I was doing really well with this. So, you know, I'm often asked, what was the impetus for me to change my behavior and really develop the person that I am today? And I say my children, I had to become a better person, not just for myself, but for my children, because I did not want to raise my kids with the same repetitive behaviors that you see in generation after generation. And eventually I wrote a book called When the Crow Sings, where I took a look at three generations of women giving birth to children outside of marriage and how it impacted them from generation to generation. And it was a semi-autobiographical book. And I told the story of my grandmother, my mother, and myself. And it's a fairly complex story. It's set in 1914 at the beginning and ends in 1997 with the child who was given up for adoption. So it really covers a lot of my own personal history in there. And my mother's life was pretty tragic in so many ways, because my grandmother had two children before marriage,

my mother had two children before marriage, and then I had one that I gave up for adoption. So there was a lot of repetitive stuff. And as you know, Jackie, generations do repeat patterns. And I was determined to change my family dynamics completely.

We are a very loving, very connected and amazing family. And I have a wonderful relationship with the son I left when he was three and a half. We spent 14 years healing the stuff that needed to be healed. And so, you know, motherhood really has driven my desire to be better and to help other people get through their challenges, which is why fear.

I mean, fear is behind all of this. You know, that basically comes down to this. There are two things about fear. I'm not good enough and I'm not lovable.

And when you think about those particular aspects, how many people do you know who feel like they're not good enough? and of course it's total bs you know and it's all because of the conditioning we're we're kind of you know shoved into it because other people feel like you know they're not good enough so therefore you're not good enough and the messages just keep getting passed along so my work is really about helping people understand how in fact they are good enough and how they can change their limited beliefs to become the person that they really truly want to be. Not that, you know, settling for less, playing small, lack of confidence, not believing in yourself. You know, these are all the things that my work strives to help people change as we go forward. And it always starts with what's your greatest fear. So tell us about the fearless factor. Tell us why. I mean, I get why you created it. Tell us what's all involved in it. So when I first wrote The Fearless Factor,

I had just come into my coaching business in my 50s. I had a pretty, pretty interesting life. I've traveled the globe. I've lived on three continents. I've written my books. And, you know, I was a martial artist for years. And I never really had to get a job. And I never worked for any corporations, because the fact of the matter was, I was definitely a maverick, and I was not going to fit in. So in my 50s, I took up coaching. And my coach said to me, you should write a book about fear. And I went, why? And she said, because most of your life has been driven by it.

So the fearless factor came about, because I've been meeting a lot of women who were really struggling with how to be fearless. And so I knew from my experience that I could share my story, which I did a lot in the first book, but I also gathered the stories of 12 women who themselves had discovered their own fearless factor. Now, what I mean by that is being fearless is not the absence of fear, but it's the courage to take the next step. And when we take that next step, that's when opportunities arise. And since then, I've actually developed a theory that fear matters to your success. And the reason for that is because it's a driver for growth. When you're in fear, you have to stand and look at it and figure out, is it true? Or is it just the stories that you tell yourself? And that's what our limiting beliefs are. They're the stories that we tell ourselves. And I was a master at it for a long time. Probably still am to some degree, because we all have our BS that we cling to for one reason or another. But the point being is that the fear piece has really come to identify me and my life journey, as well as being able to help others understand that fear is an emotion. And just like any other emotion, we can gain control of it if we really are willing to put in the work. Because the thing about fear is one question. Is it true? Is it true? Do you have empirical evidence that whatever it is that you

fear is true? And I'll guarantee you that nine times out of 10, unless you're being physically threatened, yeah, it's just a story. My audience is parents, right? And there are many moms that I have worked with in the last 30 years who have either given their children up for adoption or have lost their children because they were unsafe. They could not provide well for them.

And the guilt that comes with that for some of these women can just really be overbearing. And I think some haven't either forgiven themselves or have not pursued other things in life because of, you know, how could they? They've harmed a child or they've hurt a child or they've place their child, what would you say to those moms? Well, guilt is, is an incredible, you know, drowning element of our lives. You know, when we carry that tremendous sadness and guilt, we've never really grieved the loss. And that that's a big one right there is grieving the loss.

and for me when I after giving my child up I was about 47 48 years old I went back to the social services because it was bothering me and I wanted to know how well did this child do and they said well we can't put you in direct contact with her but we'll see what we can do well it took them a couple of years. And then I got a letter from the woman, which she was then, to say that her life had turned out to be quite good. She had loving parents. She had a good life. She really, you know, went to college. She got a degree in classics. And, you know, overall, she was working in a good field. And she said in this letter, it was very noble of me to give her up the way that I did, because I had it for three months before I eventually decided it wasn't going to work.

So for the mothers out there who are really struggling with, you know, did I do the right thing? You know, could I have done it better? There's all kinds of woulda, coulda, shouldas to the stories. And you have to understand that the woulda, coulda, shouldas are like the three trolls under the bridge. You know, they are definitely, you know, they're looking for the billy goat, you know, and so you don't give that power. That's really what I would say to you.

There's healing to be done here. And that's the key word here. You need to heal the wounds of the past. You have to heal the patterns of behavior that are driving you to basically play small.

And your life is being impacted by this. So, you know, it sounds like it's pat and easy to say. It's not easy to do. And I'll be honest with you.

It takes work. but you've got to be able to find the right support to be able to talk about the story and then release that story because it's part of the past and when we're dragging our past along with us we're basically dragging the ball and chain and that so give yourself an opportunity to grieve the loss and move on now that again sounds like very easy to do you need help to do that. I had tons of help. I've had therapists, I've had coaches, I've had advisors. I can't tell you how much money and time I've spent in trying to unravel this stuff. So I've been blessed that way. You can't do it alone. That's the one thing I will tell you. You need somebody who's going to be a good sounding board for you. Right, exactly. So whether you're a parent who is grieving a loss or grieving of your history, your past, or you're a woman who's just tired of feeling guilty,

even if it's not related to parenting, because of some of the decisions, poor decisions you've made in your life. If you want to end that constant struggle of self-doubt and second-guessing your every move, and you just want to feel more confident. That's why I really wanted to have you on, Jacqueline, because, I mean, I'm all about raising confident kiddos, right? And in order to do that, you have to have more confidence in your parenting and get off the fear bus.

And so I think for moms out there who are really needing to wanting to do better as a parent, it starts with yourself and that confidence that you have in yourself. So the transformational strategies for success is going to help moms do that. And it's not going to be easy. It's a six month program. Right.

And I think you mentioned to me when we were just getting to know each other that there are over 300 questions that the people who take this program will be answering. Yes. Yes. It's about creating a brand new narrative of who you are, where you think you want to go.

and looking very closely at what is it that's getting in the way around negative thinking, attitudes, guilt, blame, judgment. All of these things are addressed in this program. I mean, you know, somebody said I've done more in this program than I did in therapy for 10 years. And, you know, other people tell me they've been hanging on to these limited beliefs for many, many years. And it blew it out of the water because you have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, what am I really all about? We all want to be better versions of ourselves. You know, that's a human drive right there, how to be better than I am, be a better version. So this program is designed to help people get there as fast as possible. We can spend years in therapy, but what are we really looking for? We're looking for some answers to how do we eliminate the stuff that makes us feel bad. Well, what I like to say is you're not looking for the answers. You're looking for the good questions that unlock the doors that allow you to see for yourself where it is you stand in your own way, where you are your own worst enemy instead of being your own best friend. And how can you make the difference to everyone? Because here's the thing about motherhood. You're a role model. You are the person that your kids look to.

and you are the example of what it's going to be like for them. Now, nobody's perfect. I am absolutely imperfect. And I have done things in my lifetime that, you know, with my kids that I'm a little ashamed of.

But at the same time, that's where I was mentally at that point in my life. And a funny story that I always tell is my older daughter, we would have screaming fits when she was a teenager. and I was doing my control issue stuff, and, you know, not doing it the way I wanted to do it. And after we'd finished, she'd look at me and she'd go, that's another five years of therapy, you're on me.

All right. Oh, my gosh, for sure. Well, and so the other thing I love about this, Transformational Strategies for Success, is that this isn't for everybody. You are being, you're very particular, I should say, about who you accept into the program.

because it is a self-guided program that includes one-on-one coaching, some group masterminding, some things like that. And it really is about, are you all in? Are you committed and devoted to yourself? Yeah. And that's really, are you invested in you? Because that's what it's all about. I mean, I like to say, you know, people worry about the price of things when it comes to, you know, doing types of programs and so forth. But I look at it this way. What is the price of becoming the person you want to be? It's priceless. It's priceless. And you know, when you put dollar amount on it, you know, that's when you go, Oh, well, I can't afford it. You know, well, maybe I don't have the time and commitment. I had that conversation with somebody yesterday,

you know, and that's not the kind of person I want on the program. I think the money sometimes it's even like with parent coaching, you know, people say, oh, I don't know if I could put that in my budget. I don't know that I can afford that right now. Right. Well, if you think about it, no parent coaching, this transformational strategies for success, that coach, that life coaching that you're doing, those things aren't going to make us money, right? We're not going to be bringing in extra income from those kinds of things. However, we will save money in the long run, because what are you spending your money on right now when you're coping with, you know, the things that you're buying to make yourself feel good in the moment or all the little things you're trying that are maybe only cost a new $50.

Maybe it's $200 here, you know, a copay for therapy or different things like that. It's just, it's spread out. If you are ready, when you are ready to really do whatever it takes to get through your roadblocks, your barriers, your fear, whether that's for your life coaching or that's in parenting your children, when you're ready, it doesn't, the cost is just not an issue. you'll figure it out we all do yeah I mean I'm I'm with you on that I mean I've spent probably hundreds of thousands of dollars at this point in time to be who I am and not only that investing in myself but investing in my ability to deliver the the work that I do you know that's also been a major major investment in my life so my whole drive is I'm here to change the world one person at a time. And I'm here to help people succeed at life. And that's, that's my whole thing for why I get up in the morning. If there's one person I can help today to be more successful in life, that's really all that counts. There's nothing more. I love it. I'm just very grateful to, to have met you and to learn your story for your vulnerability. I'm looking forward to reading your book, When the Crow Sings. I'm very interested in that book in particular.

And I hope that the moms are listening today that are really doubting themselves, that are shooting on themselves and just not feeling like they do matter and that they can, you know, they might be 40, 50 years old and thinking, well, this is just my life. And this is, you know, I've made my bed. I've got a lie in it. I hope you reach out to Jacqueline and have that conversation to find out if you are a good fit for the Transformational Strategies of Success program.

Well, thank you. Thank you. I mean, I think one of the gifts that I've been given is over the years, my confidence has soared. And I have no shame at all in my story. All I can say is my story is my story. And I've done stuff in my lifetime that most people would look askance and go, why would you want to do that? And I, you know, I haven't even shared the majority of it, frankly, you know, um there's been a lot of different areas that that you know i've faced the fears and done it anyway um i mean i've worked with an awful lot of accomplished women in this this career of mine so far you know high level phd types and and others entrepreneurs uh and they all have one thing in common they don't feel like they're good enough that's it when we can get through that and work through that and feel like we're good enough. Boy, is that. It's liberating. It's liberating.

I mean, I think that's what's really fascinating about it. I mean, at this stage of my life, I used to really care what people thought. And I was always pushing to try to prove my worth that, you know, I am, you know, I really am good enough kind of thing. And now I'm at a stage in my life where I go, I don't give a shit whether you like it or not. You know, this is who I am.

this is what I do I know that what I do is good work I know that what I do is for the benefit of others and there's nothing more to be really be said about it you know and I can judge myself as harshly as anyone else frankly you know and then when you realize that you're just really looking in the wrong direction then you can you make changes you know yeah it's really fascinating I mean I love this process of change get comfortable being uncomfortable because that's what determines the quality of your life. Thank you for tuning in to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey? Like this podcast, subscribe, share, or leave a review of the show. Your support of the No Problem Parenting Podcast pays it forward and helps us help more families.

Thank you.