The ABCD’s of Becoming a Confident Parent, with Special Guest Mary Kerwin

Welcome back, No Problem Parents. Hey guys, did you know there's a way to transform your kid's behavior? That's right. I'm a parenting coach and strategist, and I've created this space for you so that you can seek first to understand why is my child behaving the way they're behaving, and why am I, the parent, responding or reacting the way that I am?

We can really go deeper with our own behaviors and what's happening with our kids from the inside out to take the actions and steps necessary to problem solve and transform our parenting so that we can find peace. I promise you there's a solution for your parenting problems. Hey guys, I'm Jackie. If you're new to the podcast, I just want to let you know that for more than 30 years and over 40,000 hours of working with kids and families with behaviors ranging from those terrible toddler twos, right? To the severe behaviors where kiddos have had to be in out of home placements. And there's those moments when you're like, oh, of my kids just don't listen. They show no respect for me and it's as if they don't even care about anything that I do for them. Guys, I'm telling you there is a solution. So join me on this journey of behavioral strategies so that you can feel empowered as a parent again and reclaim your family's peace. To book a call with me to learn more about our parenting packages or if you're a do-it-yourself kind of person and you just don't have the time for another appointment, you can get started right away. I've developed a 96 minute audio video course that's going to walk you through the three steps of no problem parenting. And you're literally going to see changes in your home after watching just the introduction video and starting a couple of the tips that I suggest

in there. The link for that's in the show notes as well. And we're offering a back to school special where you'll get $50 off the Becoming a No Problem Parent program. Before we get into today's episode, I want to thank our sponsors over at H&S Heating and Air Conditioning. H&S offers 24 hour emergency service with no overtime charges. H&S stands for happy and satisfied and quality service is important to them and their clients. So H&S's goal is to ensure that your needs are completely met for any heating or air conditioning issues that arise and they've also added plumbing and electrical. Our family has been customers of H&S heating for over 20 years so we encourage you to reach out to them. We know you'll be just as happy and satisfied as we've been. Today we're going to talk all things confident parenting. And you know that that's what No Problem Parenting is all about,

becoming the confident leader that your kids crave you to be. So I want to welcome Mary Kerwin to the show today. Oh, thank you so much for having me, Jackie. And thank you for sharing your audience with me. Hello to everyone out there or in there, wherever you may be. I'm excited.

I'm so excited that you're here. Mary, you're a mother of four and a doting grandma, as you say, and a teacher turned coach with more than 40 years in education. That's a lot in the school system. That is a lot. God bless you. You are well versed in the latest trends, including neuroscience and the psychology of parenting. And you founded Confident Families to help parents become confident leaders for their kids so they can improve the quality of life for themselves and their families. And you're committed to a higher quality of service and professionalism to nurture happy, confident, and successful children that are tomorrow's leaders. You're coming to us today from New York, New York, and I see that you've also been married for 45 years.

That is amazing. Yeah, sometimes I think that that's amazing. Yeah, it seemed to work out. That's my life in a nutshell, so to speak. Yeah, so tell us why you went from being a teacher turned parenting coach? Well, as you said, I was in, I was, I was a classroom teacher for 45 years.

I was not just in the educational system. I was in the classroom. What grades? I did multiple different grades. I spent most of my career in early childhood, which is three-year-olds through second grade, most of that time in the four-year-old program. And what I saw when I went into teaching, I saw it was it was the emphasis was on educating the whole child.

So, you know, you couldn't you couldn't get the you didn't have to. The academics wouldn't come unless you you focused on filling all the child's needs. And then the then the academics came easier. And I saw that change as I was in the classroom.

And we move further and further and further away from that to. Emphasis on the finished product and by the finished product, I mean the grade at the top of the page. and because um of that kids were not allowed to make mistakes basically they were not that they they were assessed on everything they were assessed on and the kids were assessed on everything uh because then the teachers were assessed on how the kids were doing and the school was assessed on how the teachers were doing and that's where the money comes in so everything became about the grade because although there is the business of education, I think the person and the education of education got left in the wayside. I saw this change happening and I was pushing it back against it, pushing back against it. And luckily I was in the same school. So I was respected by teachers and parents alike, not so much the administration, which changed eight times in 10 years at one point. It came time where they had a buyout. They offered me a buyout because I was there so long and I was at the top of it. And I reluctantly retired. Immediately curled up in the ball and felt like, curled up into a ball and felt like my life was over. My hope, I didn't realize,

I don't know why, how much of my identity was being a teacher. But I thought I would use my health coaching certification and help the parents to, you know, I saw it so many times, parents who were taking care of everybody but themselves. And that's what I thought I would do. But it really wasn't working for me. It seemed to be working for the parents, but it wasn't working for me. So I went back to what I loved. I went back to being with kids and helping them build their confidence and pushing back against the, quote, education system that left them feeling less than or never like enough. And I founded Confident Kids. And I did it in person, using experiential activities to work with kids, some on the spectrum, some not, some type A,

you know, so there was a gamut of kids. And I would do them one-on-one, work with them one-on-one or in small groups to build up their confidence so that they would have this. And loving it, uh it was it was very rewarding fulfilling exhausting and all those things and then coveted and you can't and for me virtual reality is not reality so i stopped i didn't want to add to the online presence that these kids already had to deal with um so at the urging of parents the parents of these i started working with them and and my company and became confident families because I realized like at first I was saying I don't work with parents I work with kids and the parents would say what do you mean you don't work with parents you work with me all the time um and I realized that it reached so many more people it was it was just as fulfilling although I still have little things that I do with kids because that that that works with me um and and and and um even more impactful if that if that's possible because I reach more people because with parents you can do online and and you can you can um work with them one-on-one or in groups which is what my program is tell us a little bit about what uh confident parents or confident families is and what you do for the parents confident confident families is and i'll focus on the parents in this since since uh my kids are very local and very uh one-on-one or face-to-face

I work with them. I have a hybrid program, which means that they get the group camaraderie and whatever else you want to call it to see that they're not alone in this struggle. And they have a one on one with me. It's a one on one so that they get their personal.

Because I believe that there's no one size fits all parenting, that that every family, every kid, every situation is different. and when we try to there are there are broad let's say best practices but how you implement them is where the the um where the the magic comes in you know because you don't have to do it the way anybody else does it and i think that a lot of um what happens in school is happening with parents we're looking at the end product so we're saying they have to do this and they can't do that and you should do this and you shouldn't do that and and things don't sit with them because it doesn't mesh with their the way they do things or the way they run their family or their core values which i think is one of the most important parts of confident parenting you have to connect to your values and and push that forward uh so yeah so one-on-one to implement these best practices or what you feel are the best practices in a way that suits your family And that's why we have the group to know that you're not alone and the individual, because everybody is unique.

Yeah, absolutely. I totally agree with that. And I love that you say the core values. So really becoming a confident parent is about first doing a little bit of work on yourself and really acknowledging what it is that you hope for your family or your kids, what your non-negotiables are and where you might need to work on yourself a little bit to maybe become less reactionary or personalize the behaviors and things a little bit less.

You have something called the ABCs to confidence. Let's talk about that. Okay, so my ABCs to confidence are basically there so that I can remember and keep things in my brain. So the A is about acceptance, you know, to be really honest with yourself and accept where you are, who you are, how you do things, not beating yourself up about it.

um it's just this is the way it is it doesn't it doesn't mean it can't change it just means knowing that it is and and and knowing where you are gives you the ability to to know what you want to change uh rather than just reaching for straws in the air you know there has to be a starting point and any trip there has to be a starting point before any of this it's you have to lay the foundation the foundation is always mindset you know i know people think that that's woo or artsy fartsy or fairy fairy tales but um you have to believe that you are a good parent and and i believe that everyone's a good parent and and sometimes the outside world um kind of puts us pressures us and we feel that we have to do things a certain way or that we shouldn't do things this way uh or that we yelled at our kids so you know we're the worst parent in in the world and we ruin them for life. And so the foundation is that you are a good parent.

Also that you are human and you're going to mess up. You know, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a given. It's life. It's no matter what you do, but it's where you go from there.

The acceptance comes into that also. And then to build your resilience, things aren't going to go your way. It's not how they go. It's how you react.

You know, things that happen, happen. And how you take it in is on you. So if you have a plan in action, if you have a plan of action, even if it's just when something is setting you off, they call it a trigger. It's not a word I like.

I don't know why. But when something pushes at you, what will you do? And you won't do it 100% of the time. But what will you work toward doing?

You know, it could be stopping and taking breaths, you know, that that that lowers your whole psychosomatic system, sympathetic system. It could be counting to 10 or 100. It could be washing dishes. It could be whatever you want it to be, but to have something that that that you have in place, build your resilience up, something to build results.

And these will fall onto your kids, too. You know what you do for you, you do for them because they do what you do, not what you say. as life shows yes the c and the c is the core values and we touched on that already so important you know whatever your core values are will help you make decisions will help you you know the fundamental your fundamental beliefs your guiding principles will dictate your behavior and help you understand, you know, what is right for you and what was wrong for you. They're your North Star. They're your guide. And if you are feeling really conflicted about a decision, you know, go into your core value and see, you know, see what they do. It's really hard sometimes for people to figure out their core values because, again,

we have all this noise coming out. It's telling us what we should believe and what we shouldn't believe but um really they're individual really they're and and and and then there's a d which is dream big um because we should you know not let go of our dreams we should not we should have we should have aspirations we shouldn't be married to the outcomes because um or a timeline uh because sometimes they happen in ways that you didn't realize and to remember these for your kids too you know accept your kids for whom where they are you may want your kid to be a doctor or a lawyer or a an astronaut but they may not want that for themselves you know they may not you may want them to be a an a student but they may be i know this is a terrible thing to say and it was always horrible when you told the parents when you were at a conference they may be average, which is fine, which is fine, that they will be average in some things and they will soar in others and accept them for where they are and where they are and build their resilience.

And if you live your values, they will see them. They will push back against them always, but they come back to them. So the A is acceptance. B is build resilience. C is for core values. And then you actually have a D in there. So the ABCDs, which is dream big. Now, one of the things that we talked about is laying the foundation. So laying the foundation really means looking at yourself as a parent and who you are and maybe, you know, self-care kind of stuff. And I know that can be kind of a woo-woo term or whatever self-care, but really prioritizing yourself is key. And so give us some ideas. What are some suggestions you have for moms and dads out there that when they really need to prioritize their self. What does that mean? So I know that self-care is a big, it's a big buzzword now. It has been around for forever and it doesn't mean that you have to spend three days at a spa or, you know, four hours getting your hair and nails done. Although if you have,

have the time and you, it's something that's in your realm, do it. But it could be as simple as, you know, some days it's as simple as going to the bathroom without anybody banging on your door. really yeah right and you set those boundaries so so that that's it sometimes it could just be reading a book part of what helps build your um acceptance of self-care you know i spoke with someone today i was spoken with i was speaking with a client today who was saying her my priorities are all screwed up i have everything you know i do everything for my family and my my relationship and and my job and i leave myself and i don't do anything for myself and i said so you know that those are your priorities are not messed up you know you just forgot to put yourself in those priorities you know what you believe in if you believe in family and and doing your best and that is not a horrible priority but you cannot do your best for anyone else if you're not doing something for yourself if you are not taking care of you and sometimes it's as simple as eating healthy meals. Sometimes it's as simple as just taking a walk with or without your kids.

Self-care doesn't have to be by yourself. It has to be something that you like doing, enjoy doing, want to do, and do semi-regularly. And sometimes when you're doing those self-care kind of things and prioritizing yourself, that means you need to say no to the kids when they want to do something. So let's segue into that. What are some ways you have some unique ways of how to say no to kids? Backing up again, you have to set your boundaries. You say no, and it doesn't have to be a harsh no. It can be, this is not the time for it. I always found that kids have a more accepting of a no if there's, if they could understand the reason behind it. And if it's done gently not out of anger if you're knowing out of anger it's it they see it as an affront for the most part but if it's it's not time for that now you know how you phrase it and if you're feeling guilty about the no that comes through also yeah they pick up on that don't they they really are intuitive so your nose you know if you have a hard time in your head with that word think of different phrases speaking to them like you would speak to an adult right you know yeah I can't do that you know there's not that we have this to do I can't do that you know or I mean this is not the time for it another thing I like is when you can say instead of saying no you can say yes to something else so you can see you know they say mama can we go to

the park and you say oh I'd love to go to the park sure thing we can go just as soon as mom's done reading your book or done with the dishes or, you know, just as soon as you clean up your room or pick up your mess or, you know, whatever it is that they need to do. So you, it's really not saying you're saying no by saying yes to something else. Oh yes, we can go just as soon as, or yes, we can go on Thursday and it's Monday, you know? And I know that I got called out for manipulating kids, but it's not, it's honesty. Um, you, you, you're more manipulative when you're not being honest with them. Right. And, and again, it, though builds their resilience to sometimes having to wait, not immediate gratification, um, helps prepare them,

you know, for, for other things in life. Right. There are going to be times when they're not invited to birthday parties that everybody else is. What do you, you know, you want to have them to have the resilience to know, yes, it hurts, but it's not the end of the world.

Yeah, for sure. So when kids start to battle after hearing no, however you say it, or however you do it, and, you know, they, they just start getting at you and they're kind of defiant or they're, there's just a struggle, you know, they're, it's like, they won't accept no as an answer. What kinds of things can we do without yelling or as you say, cajoling or bribing? Them acting like that, you have to first remember that it's not personal.

As much as it feels like it's personal, it's not about you. It's about them not being able to navigate their feelings or their disappointment or whatever it is right then and there. And it really depends on the situation and child. Sometimes you just let them go.

Sometimes it's like being in a tunnel. You have to go through it to be out of it. Sometimes they have to go through it to be out of it. if it's really grating on you, if it's stepping on your boundary, or if it's harshing your mellow, you know, you could say that I understand you're upset, and you could be upset in your room, or you could be upset over there, but I or you can go take a shower.

Yeah, right. Which actually, you know, kids playing in water, and especially if it's a little bit warm is a calming calming thing whatever um if depending on how upset they are so if they're very upset you know they have to go through it you you're not going to be able to rationalize with someone who's irrational you know that's yeah i don't care how old they are i don't care how good you are they have to go through i'm there for you you know you can understand accept their feelings of course i understand you're really upset i know you really wanted to do it uh or go there and we're not going it's not it's just not the right time i you know and and again you know your child you know what works um what would would set set it off more or calm it down absolutely and you can prepare for some of this step two and no problem parenting is to prepare for the worst which is you know really similar to what you're saying about building resilience when you know your child is going to be grumpy that day or they're going to be defiant or that's there's some behavior that they typically do when you, you know, they're told, no,

you can be prepared for that. And I like what you're saying about, we can almost be, it's almost like standing back and watching it from the outside, you know, when the kiddos having the meltdown or they're doing what they're doing, always making sure to keep safety in mind. However, it's okay for them to be upset. We don't have to join in on that battle. We can just observe and say things like, yeah, I get it. You're really frustrated. Oh, I know we can be empathetic. We don't have to defend our decision or defend our boundary or whatever. We can just say, I know this is really hard. Thanks for understanding. I know you don't want to clean up.

Thanks for doing it anyway, as they're wet noodling on the floor and throwing a fit, you know, eventually they will calm down and do it, but allowing that you to be silent during the tantrum or the fit, whatever it looks like. And just observing that empathetically, not trying to make it stop, not trying to make it go away, not grabbing their arm and saying, you know, pay attention or behave or, you know, and not, and not trying to tell them to stop.

They're entitled to their feelings. And emotional regulation is something that's learned. It's not something that you, that, that necessarily is there from, well, isn't there. And, and, and degree of it is different with every kid, but they're allowed to be upset. You know, when they, When it's over, when they're out and on the other side of it, you could discuss ways and things that they can do that may not get them so riled or maybe make them feel exhausted.

But not during the moment. During the moment, allow them to have their moment. When they're really happy and gleeful and joyful, it's the same thing. Sometimes we jump in with them and start talking to them.

Back up. Yeah, just back up a little bit. have their feelings and and and and don't argue with them arguing with them when they're upset and it may not be the case always but i feel that they it they think that there's a chance that they may win the argument there's a chance that if you give it's a back and forth so if there's a back and forth there's a chance that the end is going to is going to change and if it's really not going to change then don't don't have the argument and if it is going to change then just go to the park to begin with because that's, it's not, it's not, it's not healthy for you. It's not healthy for them. Yeah. So you're talking about giving in. If you, if you think you're going to give in anywhere, there's a, there's even a chance that you're going to, you know, meet their request with a yes, but you start out by saying no, that's a good indicator that first, before you even respond to a child, when they ask you a question, you know, about doing something or going somewhere that you pause and you say, you know what, I need a minute to think about that. Yeah. So that you can really think in your head, is this a battle I want to get into or not? Is this a request that I can actually say yes to or not? And, uh, and whatever you decide, just make your decision,

right? Don't go saying no to this. So, you know, it's not, it's why, why are you saying no to it? If it's going to be, yeah. Yeah. If you plan on giving in any way or you're so a lot of times too, I like to coach parents on just even kind of practicing what it sounds like when your kid is just, you know, like they they're just pushing and pushing and coming up with all the different reasons why you should let them do whatever they want to do.

And and to just really practice not engaging in that and saying, you know, no, you know, sticking sticking to your guns so that you don't give in, you know, holding your ground, I should say, holding your ground so that you don't give in. And that you can be okay with that. And you can be okay with your child being upset. Being settled in that.

You know, when you know it's best for your kid or that it's just an impossible request. There's no reason to engage. There really isn't. No matter what they say to you, it's really not about you.

It's really not. It's really not personal. And I think that's, you know, we feel like, you know, they're attacking you. they're attacking me because of my but it's not it's they're just they're just going through their emotions well and and again no problem parenting when i say no problem it doesn't mean there's not problems oh lord there's definitely going to be problems that's in fact my only guarantee is you're going to have problems raising your kids but problems right in the definition of the word problem problems are meant to be dealt with and overcome take the emotion out of it figure out the problem and then how can we matter of factly solve that problem, deal with it, help the child deal with and overcome the problem and help them solve their problem without us interjecting.

How can families get in contact with you? How can they reach you? Tell us a little bit about that. The easiest way to figure out what I'm all about is to join my private Facebook group, which is Encourage Greatness, or go to my website, Confident Families.

yeah that's super easy go to confidentfamilies.com i'm going to have the link in the show notes for that and your facebook group people can kind of just get to know you a little bit by joining that free free facebook group and uh and then you do have a six month encourage greatness program i do i do have a six month encourage greatness program um the link to find out about that is encourage hyphen greatness.com it's a hybrid group so you get the benefit of group discussion once a week and you get also get the benefit of a one-on-one with me so we can really hone in on exactly what your situation is and come up with some ideas to move through it. That's awesome.

Overcome the problems. Yeah, I love it. I really appreciate reconnecting with you and having you on the show. And I'm so excited that you're helping parents become confident leaders for their kids because of course, that's what we're all about here too. So thanks for being with me today, Mary. Thank you so much. And thank you, Sherry. Thank you for tuning in to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey? Like this podcast, subscribe, share, or leave a review of the show.

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