When Kids Aren’t Being Defiant: Understanding Low Capacity at Home

You're listening to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. I'm Jackie Fineman, parent, coach, speaker, and host of this show. Here, we help parents move out of reaction mode and into confident leadership using steady, matter-of-fact responses that build trust, responsibility, and real change over time. If you're ready to stop reacting and start leading, you're in the right place.

Hey there, parents, let me ask you something. Have you ever looked at your child and thought, why are they making this so hard right now? You gave a simple direction, they've done it before, and suddenly it's a battle. And now you're wondering, is this defiance, or are they just testing me, or are they just not listening?

Well, here's the shift I want to offer you today. Not all behavior is defiance. Sometimes your child simply doesn't have the capacity in that moment to do what you're asking them to do. And when we treat low capacity like defiance, we end up in power struggles that never needed to happen. We create more problems instead of just dealing with the initial problem. So today I'm going to walk you through how to recognize the difference and how to lead your child through it without getting pulled back into the back and forth. So let's define defiance first. So defiance looks like I'm not doing it and you can't make me or eye rolls or arguing or pushing back with intent.

But what low capacity looks like is a slow response from your kid or forgetfulness or tears or shutdown or overwhelm or doing everything except the thing you asked them to do. And here's the key. Both can look the same on the outside, but they need very different leadership from you. So how do I know if it's low capacity or defiance? Well, let's look at patterns, not just that particular moment, but let's look at some of the patterns.

Ask yourself, have they been off all day today? Has their sleep been off recently? Are they hungry, overstimulated, or are they coming off a really long day? Some kids aren't just in school all day. They're in after-school care, and sometimes that means they're gone for 10 or 12 hours a day. Maybe they have a sport after school or an extracurricular activity, or maybe you just have a lot of errands to run or things to do. Low capacity isn't random.

There's usually a heads up and maybe there's a lead up. Low capacity isn't random. There's often something leading up to it. The first thing I always say is take a look at how long of a day your kid has had.

And this is step one of your framework. Seek first to understand, not to excuse it, just to understand what you're actually dealing with. So parents will say to me, well, do I expect them to follow through? Of course you do.

Absolutely. Yes. This is where parents get stuck. Understanding your child does not mean lowering expectations to zero. It means adjusting how you lead them through the expectation. And sometimes, even though we're expecting them to follow through, it may not be right in that moment because we recognize that they're in a low capacity moment.

So we can delay the follow through. That's okay. You have total control of that, total charge of that. You can give them more time if needed, when needed. It doesn't mean you're giving in, you're going to get back to it later, and you're going to expect the follow through.

So what does that actually look like in the moment? Well, let's say you give a direction. You say something like, get your shoes on, we're heading out the door. And instead of moving, your child will drop to the floor, they'll wet noodle, they'll start whining, or maybe they get distracted with that one more thing they have to do before you leave.

Or maybe they just don't even move and it almost seems like they're just ignoring you. Well, instead of jumping straight into the, why are you doing this? Get your shoes on right now. you never listen, or do I have to say it again, or I'm not repeating myself, and then you actually repeat yourself. Instead of doing all that, just pause. That six-second pause matters more than most parents realize. Pause, take a look, be curious, notice your child, and then matter-of-factly say, hey, looks like your body's having a hard time getting started. Shoes on. That's it. You keep moving. No lecture, no emotional match, no over explaining. And sometimes your kid still doesn't do it. So what if they still don't do it? Well, you stay steady. You don't speed up just because they're struggling. You don't repeat the direction 10 times. You don't turn it into a debate. You might say, hey, no problem. I'll wait. Or shoes on, then we go. Or, hey, I'll grab your shoes.

You grab the kid and you get in the car. Shoes can get on when they get in the car. They can get on their feet before you head to the daycare or the school or the store. Those shoes will be on. But let's not battle it and do a tug of war in the moment and get yourself all emotionally wrapped in. Because low capacity doesn't remove responsibility. It changes how you lead it.

So if your kid's in a low-capacity moment, heck, you might be in a low-capacity moment too, you're just going to shift gears, lead differently, hold the direction, and somehow those shoes are going to get on without you being over-emotional and into a big tug of war. Now, what if your kiddo gets emotional or they escalate? Well, I like this technique. I can't even remember when I heard it, so credit and kudos to whoever came up with this, but I like the three H's. Sometimes in the moment, we just need to say, hey, kiddo, do you need help? Do you need a hug? Or do you need to be heard? What's going on? Now, here's the important part. You're not offering this help, hug, or to be heard to avoid the task. You're offering it to support them through the task. So it might sound something like, you can have a hug and then shoes on. Or, happy to give you a hug just as soon as the shoes are on. You might say something like, you want help getting started? Hey, I'm right here with you. I can help you get those shoes on today. Because you're noticing and you're recognizing that your kiddo might be in a low capacity moment, or maybe they just need to be heard.

Tell me, why do you not want to put shoes on today, right now? They might give you an answer, I don't know. I don't care. I don't want to go. Yep, bud, we're going to talk about that in the car, get the kiddo in the car, get the shoes with them. They can put them on later. And then on the drive, you're going to hear them and you're going to listen to how I'm just really tired, mom, or I didn't like my breakfast, or I don't want to go to school today. I just want to spend the day with you. Be empathetic and understanding. That's in step three of no problem parenting, change the conversation. Now, sometimes parents will say, well, isn't this all just giving in? No, it's not.

Giving in removes the expectation, but leadership keeps the expectation, and it just adjusts the approach. That's a big difference. So you're still going to have the expectation. They're going to get those shoes on one way or the other.

You're just not going to force it in that moment. You're not going to match their emotion. Now, a lot of us parents were raised to believe, well, if they can do it, they should do it right away. But here's what's missing with that.

kids don't always have consistent access to their skills. They're just like us. They have good days, they have bad days, they have tough moments. Sometimes they don't even know why. And just because they know how, in this instance, to get their shoes on doesn't mean they can do it well in that moment or that they really have the capacity for it. So let's not join in the battle and make it a bigger problem than it really is. Instead, let's lead through it, be understanding, and still hold the expectation. Now, what doesn't work? When capacity is low, there are some things that usually make it worse. And I'm going to give you five of those things right now. When capacity is low, repeating yourself over and over is not going to work. Raising your voice is not going to work. Adding more words, long explanations about why they need to do what you ask them to do,

or why they need to stop doing something you're asking them to stop doing. Adding more words, explanations, no, convincing them doesn't work. Trying to logic them into compliance and to justify why it makes sense that you're asking them to do, that doesn't work. Again, it's like the Charlie Brown teacher from the Peanuts cartoon, right?

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. The kids just kind of tune us out. And then the last thing that I'll share today that doesn't work is taking it personally. Oh, my kid does it for dad, but they don't do it for me.

They do it for the daycare lady or their teacher, but they don't do it for me. You know, throw that out the window. Taking it personally just adds more fuel to the fire. It's stinking thinking, and it gets you off track of what it is that you're asking them to do or what it is that you're wanting them to do.

So just don't take it personally. It's really not. It's probably not gonna matter a whole lot by the end of the day, much less, you know, in 10 years. Repeating yourself, raising your voice, adding more words, trying to logic them into compliance or taking it personally, all those things add pressure and pressure lowers capacity even more. It makes the child not want to do it even more and it makes your capacity lower as well. So let's talk about what does work. Well, fewer words, slower pace, just because we're rushed doesn't mean we can expect our kids to, you know, speed up their pace.

Clear direction. What is it you want them to do? Say the couple of words. Say the statement of the thing you want them to do or not want them to do, want them to stop doing.

And that's it. Less words, slower pace, and clear direction. Don't add a lot of words. Just wait.

And then a matter-of-fact tone. Instead of this drill sergeant tone or the super sappy, oh, honey, please, when we get our shoes on, we get to go, you know, this whole we thing. No, use a matter-of-fact tone. hey, we get to leave when your shoes are on, or we're getting in the car, whether you're carrying your shoes or I'm carrying your shoes, let's go.

Staying consistent without chasing the behavior, just be consistent and your follow-through is gold. And then sometimes you just need to break it into one small step. Shoes on instead of get ready, we're late, grab your stuff, hurry up, we gotta go. If we don't, you know, all that other stuff is just extra work, drains your energy and definitely drains your own capacity.

All right, so here's the shift I want you to take with you. Instead of asking, how do I make my kid do this right now? I want you to ask, how do I lead this moment without feeding the struggle? Because when you stop feeding the struggle, you start building something much more important.

You build trust, you build safety, and follow through over time. So here's your practical takeaway. The next time your child seems resistant, pause and ask, is this defiance or is this low capacity? And then keep the expectation, lower your words, steady your direction, and offer support without removing responsibility.

That's leadership. If this episode hit home for you, if you've been stuck in that cycle of repeat, react, and then regret, there's a better way to lead. I've put together a free guide for you, 60 Ways to Respond to Your Kids Without Losing Your Cool. It gives you real-life language you can use right away so you're not stuck wondering what to say in the moment. You can grab it at NoProblemParents.com. And if this episode made you think of another parent who's stuck in the thick of it right now, send this episode their way. Help us help more parents.

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