STRONG: The Greatest Gift to Our Children is Our Own Happiness - Stories of Parents who Survived Childhood Trauma with Author Mia Doucet

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where we choose to deal with and overcome the emotional and behavioral challenges within our home. And today I brought on another amazing guest, Ms. Mia Doucette. She is a mentor to women business owners who, while successful, are deeply unhappy. A founding member and director of Women's Global Alliance, she has a passion for connecting with women worldwide. She's a multi-award-winning, best-selling author, and Mia has written on a diverse number of topics ranging from doing business to childhood trauma, and her latest book is why I'm having her on the show today. The book is titled Strong. Successful women share stories of childhood trauma and triumph.

It's illustrated in full color. The illustrations are amazing. And it captures her love, her fascination and deep interest in children and the impact of disconnection on their lives. Mia's goal with Strong is to positively affect the lives of 1 million girls and women. Mia, welcome to the show.

I'm delighted to be here, Jackie. Happy you invited me. Oh, thank you. I'm so excited that you were willing to come on and promote and talk about your book. I actually read it in a day. I don't recommend that for everyone because the stories in this book are heart-wrenching while amazing that these women have overcome or are living through their trauma on a regular basis.

It can be a difficult read and it can spark some of your own feelings, emotions, and trauma just reading through other people's stories. But it can also be really validating in a way, I guess, and supporting. So why don't we just start out a little bit about why you decided to write this book and how it's different than an anthology book. Because while you're telling the stories of all these women, they didn't write their chapter.

You wrote their chapter. In my work, it's very clear that any problems we have today, any patterns that don't serve us, any patterns that keep us unhappy, all shred back to childhood. Something unresolved from childhood. So a couple of that with I just love kids.

I just love them and I'm absolutely fascinated by them and I'm fascinated by how they see the world. and I started writing stories from my own clients. And then that just kind of spread. And then before I knew it, I was compiling a book of stories.

And you're right, I wrote the stories myself. It isn't a compilation because I wanted a certain approach to it, which was viewing an episode or viewing a series of happenings in a child's life under the age of eight. And I wanted their perspective. I didn't want the adult observing it.

And even I, in my writing, I don't observe. I don't have an opinion about anything. This is the child's perspective. And as much as possible, the child's way of speaking is how the stories are presented, right?

Very simply. And the drawings as well. The drawings are from, this is what the child saw. So here's the thing for listeners that don't know.

You've interviewed these adult women and you've asked them about maybe their earliest memory or a memory to share before the age of eight. Correct. What were the instructions for the women? Like, how did you even start this or ask these questions?

I just asked whether thinking back on their childhood, something important happened to them that they feel shaped their life. for example, or something that they can't get out of their minds or something that was critical in their development, you know, or how they see the world. That was the only instruction I gave. And I think, you know, I interviewed over 100 women and published the stories of 81 because some of the stories occurred after age eight. And so I thought, well, that's a different book, you know, maybe a preteen or teen book if I'm ever crazy enough to do this again.

I sure hope you are because this was absolutely amazing I would like to read more but I know it's very time consuming because some of those interviewers were two and three hours long for me to write a story that was only 375 words so it was a lot of work so I'm I'm just so delighted to hear you so positive about the book I mean it is I worked 10 years a good 10 years with child protection. I saw a lot of abuse and neglect, reunification with families where parents had went and got training or the skills needed to be able to parent their children safely, but also helping parents make that difficult decision to give their child up because they couldn't care for them and they couldn't be the best parent and they loved them too much to keep them in their home where there was abuse or neglect. And so I do have,

definitely with my work with attachment disorder and supporting parents raising kids who have come from abuse, neglect, early life separation from their primary caregiver, my heart is all in for those kids and the parents who are raising them, even if they weren't the parent that caused the abuse or that was the abuser or the person that caused the neglect. As adults and as parents, my whole thing with No Problem Parenting is to help parents become the confident leader I say our kids crave us to be. Oftentimes, when we become parents, whether it's a birth child or adoption, it's stressful and it can cause us to be set off or triggered, is the buzzword, right?

based on our upbringing and our childhood. And so I think it's really a support for parents to realize that you can, you could have gone through, you know, difficult times, had all the means in the world, had no want for anything material, but didn't have the emotional love, care, and connection that you craved. Or you could have come from poverty and had, you know, a really difficult upbringing. and that made you more resilient and helped you to succeed as an adult.

I just find it that sometimes we think that nobody else knows or understands what we've gone through. And this book really helps you realize you aren't the only one and you can persevere. Yes. These are stories that are not often told.

many many of the women in the book told me in in the process of our interviews that they had never told anyone this before you know so the the person lives with it and then referring back to something you just said yeah parenting is the most difficult job in the world and if we've had trauma as a parent and we haven't resolved that trauma through therapy or some other means then we're likely passing that on to our child, unconsciously, intergenerational trauma. And there are stories in the book that are specifically about that, right? Parents that went through war, for example.

We had a couple of women who were survivors of the Holocaust, all of which materializes in a child's life and their life as an adult as trauma. Exactly. For parents who have experienced their own childhood traumas, how can they prevent unintentionally passing on those negative patterns or behaviors to their children? Well, I think resolving those traumas with the assistance of a therapist or someone who does energy psychology. I think that's the only way to resolve the trauma themselves. Also, before that, even being aware of it, even being aware of when we're triggered, even asking that question, Is this response logical? Is it reasonable? Is it something I haven't resolved and I'm seeing it in my child? I think that's very helpful.

What are some of the recurring themes or patterns that you observed among the women's stories and how do those themes contribute to our understanding of childhood trauma and resilience? I think the theme of disconnection, the child feeling disconnected from the parent. And in these stories, you know, you say to yourself, where were the adults? Where were the adults that the child didn't trust enough to go to an adult, go to a parent about what was happening? So that lack of trust, that lack of connection was a major theme.

Yeah, as I was reading through, I thought for parents today to read through these stories, I think gives you an idea of what a child before the age of eight might be thinking or feeling about your current situation. And again, it doesn't have to be that you are abusing them or anything, but that disconnection, how important that is and how kids interpret that. Very much so. And how kids interpret anything, you know, without context, without life experience, something happens to them or they witness something happening to someone else and they come to a conclusion that could be totally wrong.

And they build their life on that because all of our patterns start in childhood, right? And the other thing, another theme that came through is how easily a child experiences shame. So if the parents are fighting, and children are little narcissists, right? Anyone who deals with children knows that the world revolves around the child.

And so if the parents are fighting, if the parents are going through divorce, then I must in some way be responsible. And that's way too much. for a child to take on. What was the motivation for the women when you approached them and you asked them to share? Why did they jump on board with this and say, yes, I want to do this?

Yeah, that's really interesting. It surprised me that so many women would say yes. Some of the women have worked through their own situations and not that they are now coaches. They are now helping other people. And so for them, it was reaffirming. And for them, yeah, tell my story.

For other women, it was therapeutic. And I should say that there were some women who were interviewed, I wrote their story, got the drawings made. And then they said, I can't do it. I can't, I can't like publish my story. And typically, that's because there was someone they would be hurting, they felt. Or it was just too much. Once they read their own story, they saw they had more work to do on themselves. Yeah. I think at the heart is we are very connected to our own story.

And I think that there's kind of a human need to talk. If you have a good listener, to tell that listener your story. Humans love stories, and I think we love our own story. Whether it's a happy story or a sad one, we go back to it a lot.

Yeah. What has been the most rewarding aspect of putting these stories together and sharing them with the world through the book? The most rewarding aspect is when I get a response to the book like yours. When someone loves the book and sees the purpose of it and gets something out, that is the most rewarding thing.

The second most rewarding thing was after the book was published, because none of this went through my head at the time, but after the book was published, I started getting really positive response to it. Saying, you know, if I can get sponsors for this book, we can affect the lives of one million kids, one million people. So that gives me purpose that I didn't have in my life before. Yeah, that's amazing.

So who are you hoping reads the book? Is it parents? It's parents. It's people who work with children.

You just gave your own experience and how that affected how you read the book and essentially why the book didn't trigger you, even though some of the stories are very heart-wrenching, right? I did. I was able to read through the book and fairly quickly, I kept wanting to read the next person's story. It was so encouraging. Like, oh my gosh, these women have gone through this war. I can't imagine that in my life to go and be completely uprooted from your home. And I'm not going to give it away. But I mean, some really tough times. And now they've moved on to be executives and working corporate and raising families and doing all these things where you would think that trauma that they went through would have just stopped them in their tracks from ever becoming anything. That's why the book is called Strong. These women had some sort of strength.

We talk a lot about resilience today. They were strong. They were resilient. They rose above, above sexual assault, above the loss of a parent, above any type of loss, betrayal.

And these are women all over the world. They are five continents, 22, 23 countries. And add to the list that you just gave women who are now in construction, engineers, medical doctors, CEOs. Yeah, they've come a long way.

Another I should mention was bullying. Children who were bullied and who now, well, one of the women who was bullied is now a director with Nike. She went from this childhood of being horrendously bullied by other kids to, in 2019, receiving the big prize from Nike and having her picture all over the building. and being recognized and validated that way, that was her motivation was to say, you know, we can do it.

That's amazing. I'm just going to read a quick little bit from your introduction in the book titled The Realities of Childhood. So we may read statistics about early childhood trauma, but statistics are clinical and sterile. These stories are anything but, that is for sure.

They are in stark contradiction to the nostalgic stories we like to tell ourselves about the bliss of childhood. It's made me realize how much better I could have done as a parent. Oh, say more about that. I realized that I didn't give enough importance to my children's perspective when they were young.

I feel that my children were disconnected. When my third child turned three is when I was divorced and that I didn't see the impact that that had on my children. I was in my own pain. That's it with parents.

We go through our own emotions. We have things happening to us at work or our relationships. Anything can happen to us as parents. And unconsciously, that's passing on to our children.

And I didn't connect. what was happening to me, to my children's behavior. So when they were acting up, you know, I just became a tough parent. And today I would be much more understanding.

I would have more conversation with my children. I would make sure, because I had three children, that each child felt really important, you know, that I would be listening to the child. When they misbehave, I would today say, what's behind that? What's going on that the child has to get my attention that way?

So that's what it did for me. And if you read at the beginning of the book, I say something that was very, very hard for me to write. I dedicate it to my three children. And I say, who was it who said children are born perfect and then they meet their parents?

how I wish I had known them what I know now, that parents with adverse histories can unwittingly pass them down to their children, and that our greatest gift to our child is our own happiness. That is so good. How hard that was to write and how hard it is now to even read it aloud. I would be a much better parent today if I'd known these stories.

It's never too late to resolve a childhood trauma. Again, the greatest gift to our children is our own happiness. And so do whatever you can to be happy, because that will have a real effect on your child's life. Resolve your own trauma.

I'm very grateful, very thankful that you were willing to come on the show and talk about this. And I agree, even bringing light, because I think you're right. It is that when our kids are feeling disconnected from us, parents don't often know that it's even happening that we're actually even disconnected. We think we're protecting our kids from adult issues or adult problems, but there are ways that we can include our kids in the conversations and we can learn more about what our kids are going through and teach them that it's okay to tell us that they don't need to protect us from their big, scary, dark thoughts and feelings. We're going to have a link in the show notes for people to go grab the book,

the direct link to get the book on Amazon. I'm also going to include your LinkedIn and Facebook links as well as the MiaDucette.com website. And so I really like what you've done with this book and I appreciate you being on the show. Thank you so much. Well, I'm so happy you asked me to be on your show. Thank you, Jackie. All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode, click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost. Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool. Go to NoProblemParents.com.

Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks. So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this. Thank you.