Understanding Fatigue: Parental, Compassion, and Secondary Traumatic Stress Fatigue

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Thanks for listening to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Are you losing your crap on your kids, yelling, giving in, and exhausted at the end of every day? You can start building confidence in your parenting immediately, whether your child is a toddler or all grown up and still living in your house. Don't make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. Become a no problem parent today. All right, parents, on episode 256, I talked about parenting fatigue, and today I want to go a bit deeper. For those of you parents that are caring for children who are rejecting your traditional parenting skills, who are pushing you away, who are stiff arming you, rejecting your guidance and your love.

And in yesterday's episode, I shared a resource for parents who are raising children on the spectrum or kiddos who have sensory issues or have just super big, intense behaviors. And my guest created the Mad to Glad program to support parents and professionals. So be sure to check out the links for more information on a free virtual training that's happening this coming Saturday. I want to start today by talking about what secondary traumatic stress is.

The Administration for Children and Families says that compassion fatigue or secondary traumatic stress disorder is a natural but disruptive byproduct of working with traumatized clients. It's a set of observable reactions to working with people who have been traumatized traumatized and mirrors the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Now, this article talks about the different types of professions like physicians and psychotherapists, human service workers, and emergency workers, and how they are vulnerable to developing this type of stress.

However, there's not a lot of information out there on secondary traumatic stress disorder for parents or as it relates to parents. And how do you, the parent, know whether you're struggling with parental fatigue, compassion fatigue, or secondary traumatic stress fatigue. It starts by recognizing the specific symptoms and understanding the underlying causes, and you might need a little bit of help in doing so. A good key indicator is whether or not your child is rejecting your traditional parenting, whether or not they have a diagnosis like a trauma related diagnosis or a sensory related diagnosis, what your support system is like, how much you're working in and out of the home, the demands that are placed on you, and your own potential trauma history or stressful or chaotic upbringing. So there's so many factors that go into it. I obviously can't cover all of that today, but I'm just going to give you some food for thought for today and then we're going to dive into this topic even more in upcoming episodes. So here's a generalized breakdown to help you differentiate between the three different types of fatigue. So number one,

parental fatigue. We talked about this on episode 256. Parental fatigue typically shows up as exhaustion, irritability, and feeling overwhelmed by the general demands of parenting. You might struggle balancing your responsibilities and you might experience some physical and emotional exhaustion. You're still able to get through the day. You just are overall tuckered out. Parental fatigue can usually be overcome, like we mentioned in episode 256, with doing things like self-care, prioritizing, getting enough sleep, eating good meals, exercising, practicing relaxation, setting boundaries is important so that you're delegating tasks whenever possible and you're asking for help from family members and friends. And actually this is a key point. Not only are you asking,

those family and friends are not burnt out by you and they're willing to give it to you. They're willing to support you. And that's going to be key in a minute when we talk about secondary traumatic stress fatigue. Now compassion fatigue shares many of the same symptoms as parental fatigue, but it's specifically related to the emotional toll of caring for others, particularly when you're caring for children with special needs or high needs. So your symptoms might include feelings of emotional exhaustion, apathy, decreased empathy, and a sense of detachment.

In addition, if you're in a professional role where you're caring for others responding to traumatic events or crisis situations, that adds another layer to it. Where compassion fatigue is sort of like next level of parenting fatigue is when there's prolonged exposure to the suffering of others. So witnessing trauma or providing care to kids who have endured trauma and they're still living with their trauma. So while we often think of compassion fatigue as it relates to health care workers and social workers and law enforcement and therapists or anyone in a caregiving role, we don't focus enough on the parenting role.

So think about parents. Think about if you're a parent in a caregiving field, especially in an intense crisis related or emotionally related caregiving field, and you're parenting a child who appears just fine on the outside and maybe even with other people. But in your home, you're getting all of it, right? You're seeing all the behaviors, you're getting rejected and you're getting the stiff arm.

You have a second layer that's even more weight on you and more emotional exhaustion to deal with. And so people with compassion fatigue often need to do the same things as parental fatigue with self-care, setting boundaries and seeking support. They also tend to be extra hard on themselves and blaming of themselves for the problems their child is having or the fact that the child is not responding to their parenting.

And so they need to add another layer to this. People enduring compassion fatigue not only need to be kind to themselves, they need to recognize and acknowledge their limits as a caregiver. it's harder for them to allow themselves to take breaks because other people don't understand their child and so it's hard for them to want to allow their child to be cared for even if it's for a night while they go to a movie or a weekend to get away so they could recharge themselves and really get a couple good nights rest they just won't do it because other people don't understand what they're going through they don't see it the child doesn't behave the same way and so the parent often won't even allow themselves to take that break for fear of judgment. Minimizing, you know, the person caring for their kiddos brings them back and says, oh, they were so great. And they had, we had a great time. They're such well-behaved kids. Even though the parent just had maybe a weekend long break or a night out, it's like, it's all going to be washed away because the parent's going to feel defeated. And like, there's something wrong with them.

And overall just feel horrible. It's going to put them right back into the shame and the blame and the guilt. And next week on Wellness Wednesday, I'm going to be sharing some tips for support people and how you can do your best to help that parent recharge their energy and come back feeling restored as well as understood just on the daily. So people with compassion fatigue not only need to do self-care, they need to practice self-compassion. And often that requires at least one person who's in your corner, one person that is understanding and accepting of you and knows who you are and can help you recognize your limits and come up with a plan to make sure that you are able to, this is the second thing that helps with compassion fatigue, to limit your exposure. And how do you limit your exposure to, you know, really traumatic situations or regular outbursts from your kid when you are the parent and they're living in your home? When we're in the helping field, the caregiving profession, we have supervision and we have support from colleagues and supervisors. We have case consultation. We have the ability to discuss with other people who understand the challenging things we've seen or witnessed or been exposed to that can help us through our compassion fatigue and build resilience. But when you're a parent, oftentimes that's not the case. And so again, in upcoming episodes, we're going to talk about ways that you can support

parents, friends, and family, people that you know that need your help. Because oftentimes, while there are programs that can help and support, there are long wait lists or they cost a lot of money and it's not feasible for families to get the help they need. And again, like I mentioned, sometimes parents won't reach out because they're embarrassed, afraid, they don't have the time to explain to you what's going on with the child that you don't see and it's just too exhausting for them. And we can do better. We can do better as family and friends. So we're going to talk more about that in next week's episode. Let me just cover secondary traumatic stress fatigue before I end today's episode. So the symptoms of secondary traumatic stress fatigue are similar to compassion fatigue and often they're kind of considered one of the same but they're specifically linked to indirect exposure to trauma through others. So for instance like your child experiencing trauma maybe you adopted your child or you're fostering a child or your child went through some medical pain and was separated from you for quite a while. And so their behaviors, their triggers,

their emotions, the toll it's taken on them is wearing on you. And so symptoms of secondary traumatic stress fatigue, common symptoms are, you know, intrusive thoughts, chronically worrying about things, hypervigilance, avoidance behaviors, and emotional numbing. But when I'm working with parents who have secondary traumatic stress symptoms, I look a little deeper. The symptoms in parents that are raising kiddos with intense behaviors, early life trauma, are things like eventually you no longer feel like the same person you were before you had kids or the same person you were before your child started to show all these behaviors or before you welcomed another child into your home. There's an inability to enjoy yourself with others in the same way. So not just feeling too fatigued to go out with or hang out with other people,

but this inability to really actually enjoy yourself when you're with others. You feel like you're constantly putting on a face and if they only knew, and at the same time saying things to yourself, like even if they knew they'd never believed my child could be that tough. You disconnect from people and there's this loneliness and alienation. And yet you plow through day after day after day, because you're the parent and you just have to. Some parents develop a victim identity. They feel a loss of control. Some are in denial. Some alternate between trying harder and then just plain old giving up. I can't do it anymore. Parents who have separated or divorced, they've just gotten so far away from themselves and their common goal.

Whatever the child is going through has caused enough stress, triangulation, or separation between the parents that it has resulted in the parents separating. That's not to say that it's the child's fault. It is a result of the situation. So it's not the child's fault. And I help the parents understand, realize, and get back on track from that. And then the last thing I'll say about a symptom, a major symptom with parents who are suffering from secondary traumatic stress fatigue is that they often appear hostile and angry.

They seem to have a chip on their shoulder. They seem to be the most rigid drill sergeant parents you have ever met. They seem mean to their kids. And if you know anyone like that, or if that is you, reach out to me.

We need to get you some resources. If you've heard my story of Elizabeth that I shared probably in multiple episodes by now, we're at over what 250 some episodes, you heard the story of how I judged a family, the very first family I worked with that had a child with attachment disorder who was rejecting their love and traditional parenting. And I judged them for being too strict and too hard until I worked with them enough and it was in their home enough where the child actually showed the behaviors to me, where I actually experienced the behaviors that they were trying to tell everybody about.

and even then when I could experience and understand and have empathy for them I was still not that child's parent. So it tugged my heartstrings but not the same way that it tugs a parent's heartstrings and if you're a parent who's gotten to the point where you are done, you have no more to give, you have exhausted all your resources and you're not finding any hope, reach out let's find you the support and the resources you need and let me help you become the confident leader that your kids crave you to be I'm here for you the parent to boost you up to build you up to lift you up you're already making it through each and every day on your own join my community of no problem parents get the support the advocacy the understanding and the empathy that you so deserve. All right, until next week's Wellness Wednesday, where we talk more specifically about things that we can do to help support parents who have intense children with high significant needs and behaviors, remember that on particularly rough days, when you feel like you cannot possibly endure, your track record for getting through those days so far is 100%. And I think that's pretty darn good. Hugs and high fives, parents. You got this.

All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode, click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost. Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool. Go to noproblemparents.com. Until next time, And remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.

So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this.