Be Excited for Your Kids to Use Technology with Jaci Finneman

Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. From toddler tantrums to teenage eye rolls, this podcast is your go-to for updated and old school tips and tools that are going to help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, a 30-year counselor turned parenting coach, and I've got a lot to share, including hundreds of resources that you have access to right from your home and strategies that are going to boost your confidence and energize you. So whether you're knee deep in diapers or navigating the tween years, or you're launching your child into adulthood, subscribe and share this podcast with your friends, teachers, and daycare providers. We're going to turn your parenting problems into no problem, one episode at a time. Ever since tablets, cell phones, and gaming devices have become super fun and exciting for kids, taking the devices away has become the go-to consequence that parents often use even when that consequence doesn't fit the crime. Do you take the phone away if they come home late? Do you take the phone away if they get a poor report card or when they're rude to someone? Now sometimes that's an appropriate consequence if the behavior was related to the cell phone or the gaming device. But often if their phone is taken away and it had nothing to do with the misbehavior, your child or teen is likely going to withdraw from you. And instead of focusing

on what they did wrong, they fixate on not having the phone or gaming device and they spend more time thinking about how mad they are at you. So technology shouldn't be used to fix all problems. If the incident has nothing to do with internet use or gaming time, use a strategy that's going to help them understand and improve on the actual behavior of concern. Make sure that the strategy or the consequence fits the crime. So it's true that when we consequence our kids, we want them to have motivation to stop a poor behavior or to do something that we've asked. But using technology as your go-to response, just because your kid really likes the technology, doesn't always help them learn from their mistake. In fact, instead of learning from their mistake or their behavior,

taking the technology away can actually create more problems or distract from the actual problem, get us like all off track with what we were even trying to consequence the kid for and then it puts a wedge in the relationship with you and your kids. So what can we do to prepare our kids and how can we set up a matter of fact clear expectation around technology? Well we start by keeping it simple. Parenting is complicated enough you guys so let's not make this more difficult than it needs to be. Start with a plan. When you introduce your kiddo to technology, how long can they be on their tablet? How long can they watch TV? How long can they be on a gaming device? Do they need to plug it in at night, making sure they don't have access in the evening to their device in their bedroom?

What apps or games are you going to approve? And what's the process for approving those apps? Make sure you're having conversations about that. Ease them into a cell phone. Start with the ability to call and text with the phone before you're opening them up to having access to the internet or apps or different things. What kinds of things do you allow your kids to have based on behavior? Make sure you're having conversations about that. You can say things to your kids like, I allow kids to have cell phones or I allow kids to have a tablet or gaming console, as long as that device doesn't cause a problem for you or other members of our family. Say things like, I allow kids to use their device when their homework and chores are complete. I allow kids to use their device when they've exercised and played outside. So making sure that you're letting your kids know when you allow technology so that when they have misbehaved or haven't finished their chores or done their homework or whatever, you can say, oh yeah, remember as soon as you're done with your chores,

you're welcome to be on your technology. Spend time watching or playing the games with your kids, Whether that's on their cell phone and it's a game on their phone or it's a gaming device, be attentive when they want to show you a video game or a YouTube video or an app or something that they have interest in. Just being there with them every now and then is a really great idea to show some interest in what they're doing.

And then create tech-free zones, like at dinnertime. You know, I mentioned making sure that you have rules around when the child can have the device in their room and how late they're on the device, but also making sure that you have some kind of, whether it's dinnertime or just family time, game time, whatever, where nobody has a device. It's not that you have to like have the device locked up somewhere. It's just that it's not where you're looking at the screen and watching every alert that comes on.

Maybe you turn the notifications off during dinnertime or family time. You know, you can go to, there's a good resource out there called healthychildren.org. Healthychildren.org.

They help you create a family media plan and also help with timing, like how much time you can set up a media timing plan for how much time your kid can spend. You can also use, like I mentioned in episode 12, go to bark.us, which is a resource that helps you monitor your child's text messaging, YouTube, emails, and social networks. It'll alert you if they're getting into content or material that is dangerous or harmful to them.

And then another resource that we learned in episode 12 was myactivity.google.com. myactivity.google.com.

That's another resource. Instead of just looking at your child's browser search, like their browser history, you can go to this My Activity, and it will help alert you with the kind of content that your child is searching for online. Just in case it's, you know, you've got a kiddo that's really curious and maybe accidentally stumbles upon something that they shouldn't or intentionally does. Myactivity.google.com is a good resource to help protect your kiddo from that.

And you're going to want to have conversations when you're using some of these resources to help protect your kids on social media. Make sure that you don't have to be secretive about it. Make sure your kid knows this is what I'm doing as a good parent to help protect you. and someday you won't have me here to protect you.

So I want to have conversations with you about this right now. I don't want to be a spy having to wonder what you're up to. And I also don't want to be a spy, not trust you, and to constantly be searching on your device for what you're getting into. So make sure you're having conversations about that up front so that your kid doesn't think that you're spying and or tricking them or, you know, just being nosy.

And then be excited for your kid to have technology and be happy for them to have this privilege. You know, often we approach technology with a threat. Like even before there's a problem with gaming or having a cell phone, we caution our kids that if they make one wrong move, we're gonna take the device away. Now this can cause your kid to learn to become sneaky.

Your kid will actually become more sneaky if the approach that you're taking is one of like a threat that you're always gonna be on them and that in an instant you can take their technology away. They'll become more private about what they use the device for, how long they use the device, when they use, you know, they just become sneakier and the communication breaks down between you and them because they just feel like they're always going to get in trouble getting the device taken away.

So instead, approach the privilege as just that. It's a privilege to have this and you want them to have that privilege. You believe they're responsible enough to have that. A privilege is something that your child enjoys, right?

Something they get to do because they've shown respectful and responsible behavior. But they don't have to be perfect at it. Giving a child a tablet or a cell phone, watching TV, you know, going out with friends, those kinds of things are privileges. And we want our kids to be able to experience those privileges and know that we believe in them.

and we want to allow them to make mistakes with it sometimes. Privileges can be lost if or when your child hasn't been respectful, responsible, or safe. But when that happens, and you do need to use technology as a consequence, when that happens, be matter-of-fact about it. Try not to let your emotions take control of that consequence.

It's okay to be upset about the misbehavior, but the consequence works better if your child is the one to take responsibility for the behavior and not you. So don't feed the problem by putting more emotion into it than your child. If you're more worried or upset by the misbehavior, your child doesn't learn that their behavior affects them. And remember the goal of a consequence is to teach your child self-discipline so their poor behavior becomes the bad guy, not you. All right, parents, if you need some help in responding to your kids without losing your cool, especially when it comes to things like technology, download our 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool. And if they have broken a boundary or a contract that you've written around technology, they've made a mistake and need to make up for it. We've included the link in the show notes for the make it right technique,

which is a little bit different than just saying, I'm sorry. It actually helps your kiddos make right what they did wrong so we can keep her moving, put the mistake or the error or the misbehavior in the past and look forward. That's it for today's episode. Be sure to follow, like, subscribe, and leave us a review on iTunes or comment on Spotify.

We love to hear from you. Hugs and high fives, Jackie.