Be Prepared: Getting that Call from School to Pick Up Your Kid

Hey there, happy Self-Care Sunday. Today we're talking all things naming and taming worry because let's be real, we all deal with those moments as parents, having anxiety about our kids and their future. We've been talking with Dr. JJ Kelly about the difference between feelings and thoughts.

Can we keep our worries and our thoughts in check? I believe we can, let's do it. Hey there parents, thanks for listening to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be?

Are you losing your crap on your kids? yelling, giving in, and exhausted at the end of every day? You can start building confidence in your parenting immediately, whether your child is a toddler or all grown up and still living in your house. Don't make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. Register to become a No Problem Parent. It comes with an app so you can listen to the tips and tools just like you're listening to this podcast. Click the link in the show notes or go to noproblemparents.com. Become a No Problem parent today. All right, parents, let's jump right into one of my client situations. This is a few years ago, but this is a common problem or a common challenge that parents have. I'm going to call this mom Joni. Now she's a really hardworking mom as many of us are. She works full time out of the home. She also volunteers in her kiddo school. She was a really organized mom and that was great except for much of their time was really mapped out.

There wasn't a lot of downtime in their family. And because she often couldn't stay late at work, if she needed to catch up on something, she had to be super efficient with her time because of all the events and things that they had going on. So when one of her kiddos started to have some pretty disruptive behaviors at school, it caused her a lot of anxiety and stress. It was starting to become a big issue in their relationship.

As much as she challenged her kiddo, like you cannot be doing this. I have to work. You have to figure out how to deal with this at school and you have to be able to stay in school. I need you there because I need to work. And she tried everything from being overly empathetic to the point of sympathy to being overly strict to the point of like almost threatening that she had to stay in school because otherwise she would lose her job and like putting on some of that power guilt rather than getting to the root of the problem, preparing for the worst and changing the conversation, which is the three steps in becoming a no problem parent. This mom, again, because of stress and anxiety, was feeling underneath the issue and feeling a lack of control. And when we feel a lack of control,

oftentimes what we do is get power hungry for control and we just try to dominate the situation. So when I asked Joni what her worries and fears were about getting the call at work and having to go, she named off some key things. Obviously being interrupted at work, she had a demanding job and getting a call to pick up her kiddo was not only disrupting her workflow and her work schedule, she realized that it was affecting her colleagues and people were noticing more and more. And then she could even hear like some chirping in the break room. And so she felt judged, even though she didn't know what those conversations, you know, that other people were having. She felt like there was this focus or spotlight on her. It was becoming a mess. She was concerned about her kiddo's well-being. She was worried about what other kids were thinking of her kiddo at school.

She was thinking her kiddo was being misinterpreted and was going to make a name for themselves with the teacher. And she was also feeling guilt that she wasn't there to support her child. She wasn't doing enough to support her child. She just needed everything to go smooth and she just needed everything to go right at school and for her kiddo to feel acceptance and to do well academically.

so this emotional burden was affecting her kiddo and herself but she didn't know what to do and so she was getting like super frustrated and again that was causing a break in her and her kiddos relationship and then when she was talking with the teachers and trying to you know effectively communicate with the school staff it started to turn into my kids at your school during the day it's your problem and the school was like hey get your kiddos behavior together deal with whatever you got going on at home. Our job is to educate and while we have emotional supports and things your kiddo isn't accepting any of those and so we need you to figure out what you're going to do about that. And then Joni also felt like she had no work-life balance. She was torn between her responsibilities at home but also with her responsibilities at work. So she was definitely feeling the tug of war between being a mom, running a household, and being an executive running a team.

So initially she had heard about me through a colleague and she decided to give me a call to see if there was something quick and effective that she could do to help not only her kiddo, but also herself. So she scheduled a 90 minute strategy call with me. And in that 90 minutes, I was able to help this mom figure out the root of the problem. And we did that by first addressing her worry, her stress and the negative thoughts.

The first thing that I helped this mom do was name her worry. The root of the worry came from a couple of years prior when she had gotten a call and had to come pick up her kiddo. And it did not go well. At that time with her job, she didn't have any PTO left.

She didn't have any more sick days left. And it was just a really bad experience the first time that she had gotten a call to go pick up her kid. She did not handle it well because of her stress. And it really put a damper on her and her kiddo's relationship.

Now they did get some support from the school counselor. And so things had been going well for a couple of years. Fast forward a few years and her kid was now dealing with some other issues and some other things. There were some problems with some friends.

And then mom was gone a lot more because of this big project that they had going at work. And so what happened was when her child was not feeling as accepted by her peers, she did something that was really, truly inappropriate. And so when I met with this mom, we figured out all the things that were going on. And then I said to her, what happens tomorrow when you're at work and a thought about getting a call comes into your head and you're distracted by thinking about, I wonder if this is going to happen today.

I wonder if this is going to happen today. So the first thing we talked about doing is if and when that happens, she just needs to acknowledge it and say, OK, yep, I'm worried that I might get a call. That's something that happened in the past. I'm going to give myself a minute and I'm going to think about the ways that I could handle that situation if it happens.

I'm going to prepare a plan of action, which we call in step two of no problem parenting, preparing for the worst. Then instead of dwelling on it, you're able to redirect your thoughts because you're like, Oop, I've got this plan right here. If and when I should get a call. So mom, Joni and I figured out what is the root of the behavior and why was her kiddo acting out on what kind of days was she acting out?

What was maybe setting her off to melt down and or shut down at school? And then we looked at options that Joni had at work. Who does she have for outside support? And what is her emergency or her crisis plan look like if she isn't able to leave work?

And who could she rely on? And then we also quickly went through what the school had tried that did work and that didn't work. And we came up with some suggestions for Joni to share with the school about let's try some of these new things. And then the last piece was for this mom and child to have a conversation.

And I suggest to parents, when you're having a conversation with your kiddo, don't try to make it easier on them and don't try to sugarcoat the situation. Be matter of fact, realistic and honest with your kiddo without putting in a bunch of extra unnecessary emotion into it. Get to the root of what is going on, set up some non-negotiables and some boundaries, and then name the elephant in the room. There's more to it than just setting up rules and consequences for missing school. It's really having that honest conversation with your kid about I know there's something going on with you at school that's causing you to act out.

I'm not sure what it is. And I'm not sure that you're willing to honestly tell me what it is. And maybe that's because you don't think I can handle it. Maybe it's because you think you're going to get in trouble.

Maybe you don't want someone else to get in trouble. Or maybe you just are so upset that I spend so much time at work. You're trying to get back at me. or you're trying to figure out a way that you can get more time with me, even if it means negative attention or time for me. And hey, kiddo, we got to figure this out because you need to be in school and I need to be at work. And so rather than me coming up with all the ideas about how to make you do this, I want to figure out how you and I can make this happen the best way possible.

And we're going to come up with a solution together. When the mom had an honest conversation, when she said things like, I wonder if, I wonder if you're not telling me what's going on because you're worried you're going to get in trouble or somebody else's. I wonder if you're just trying to get more time with me. I wonder, I wonder. I noticed that you've been more agitated than normal.

I noticed that you haven't seemed like yourself. What is going on? And also having that honest conversation with why aren't you telling me? Are you afraid of me? Are you afraid to hurt my feelings? Are you protecting me? And doing that in a matter of fact way, sometimes being too emotional and how you present that to your kid is like fingernails on a chalkboard and they'll just shut down and say, I don't want to talk about it or you're weird or leave me alone. Don't worry about it. You know that they just push us away and you need to have the skills and the confidence to say, Hey kiddo, I get why you're doing that. I get why you're saying that based on the way I've responded to you in the past. And we need to come up with a different solution. And I am going to work with you on this and I am going to do things different. Can you trust me? So we figured out those three key areas together. Joni and I came up with a plan that was going to work for her lifestyle, for her situation. And then Joni was able to have a conversation with her daughter,

with the school and with work to prepare for the worst just in case. And then when Joni had the conversation with her daughter, it actually went much better than she was expecting. But because she had the confidence and she had prepared for some worst case scenarios of how the conversation would go. She felt empowered, capable of handling the conversation and didn't fear it. She wasn't worried about losing her cool. And she felt like even if she didn't know what to do in the moment, she could say, hey, kiddo, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this right now. I'm going to get back to you. Let's resume the conversation. We'll talk again tomorrow. And Joni would message me and say, hey, this is what happened. I wasn't sure what to say. So I tabled the conversation.

we'd work through it and then we'd get some more suggestions to her and long story short this mom and the daughter were able to turn a pretty big problem into a no problem now in no problem parenting I actually teach you how to almost look forward to those behaviors of course we don't want our kids to misbehave however when they're younger and in the comfort of our own home right in the care of us being able to help them deal with and overcome the mistakes the challenges the misbehaviors is empowering. So acknowledging the worry, naming it, and then deciding what you can do about it and coming up with a quick plan is key. Ask yourself, is the thing you're worried about grounded in reality? So if your child really is struggling, we need to make a plan for that and what to do, how to help them, how to reach your child, how to get to the root of that. Sometimes are worries like an unfounded fear. Like, is it becoming a habit to be worried? And is it that you need to put a stop to that stinking thinking? And just every time that thought comes up, say,

nope, not going there. Stop. I've got a plan for what to do. If and when it does happen, I'm okay.

Remember at No Problem Parenting, we only give problems as much attention as they deserve. And then we keep her moving. Problems are a fact of life. Right in the definition of the word problem, it says that it's a matter or situation that's meant to be dealt with and overcome.

Problems are meant to be dealt with and overcome. If you or your child are struggling right now with a problem that needs to be dealt with and overcome, reach out. Let's figure out what that is so we can turn that problem into a no problem. Self-care Sundays are all about nurturing your mental well-being. So let's not start the week already dreading and thinking about the negative outcomes, the potential things that could go wrong. Let's prepare for the worst as much as we can. Life throws us curveballs, our kids most certainly do, but there are those certain behaviors that happen day in and day out or that we can predict or prepare for so that we can respond instead of react. We can acknowledge and tame our worries so that they don't consume us and take over. If you'd like more information on how to deal with and overcome the problems or challenges in your home,

There's a link in the show notes for you to become a no problem parent for just $50. And it comes with a 30 minute virtual call with me so that we can discuss and tackle one behavior that you're dealing with. After viewing the becoming a no problem parent training and having a call with me, Joni decided there were two other issues that she needed to address or wanted to address within her home that actually included another child that wasn't even on her radar at first.

And so she decided to do the jumpstart parent coaching package. We met six times over the course of a couple of months, and that was enough to get her and her kiddos back on track. And now she no longer fears getting that dreaded call from school. She's well prepared to handle it, knows how to respond to the school staff.

Joni turned this problem into a no problem. And you can too, you guys. Let's not make this parenting gig harder than it needs to be. And if you need some ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool, and these responses actually can be tailored and work with our adult peers as well, There's a link in the show notes.

I'll send you 60 ways to respond to your kiddos without losing your cool. And of course, you can go back and listen to the 60 ways episodes starting with episode 189. All right, parents, be sure to click that plus sign, the follow button on the podcast app that you're listening to. And if you do me a real quick favor, leave a review of the show.

We are a top 2% podcast, and we'd sure love to hit that top 1% before the second quarter of this year. So your reviews really do matter. I appreciate your help and support. because doing so helps us help more families.