Transforming Teens’ Negative Thoughts with Parental Support through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

Welcome back parents to another Therapeutic Thursday episode of No Problem Parenting. Today's therapeutic topic is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. If you're wondering how you can help your child identify and change those tricky negative thought patterns, stick around as we break down CBT and share practical tips for how you as a parent can be an essential part of your child's mental health journey. I'll share what CBT is so that you can help determine whether or not your child or yourself is a good fit for cognitive behavioral therapy, but I'm also going to share a client's story in how the parents reached out to me to ask how they could help support their child on their therapeutic journey with CBT as their modality of choice.

Now before I get into the episode, this is one of those episodes where you might need to listen to it a couple of times. Maybe you're listening in the car or on a walk, and then maybe you want to listen again and jot some notes. There are links in the show notes for the resources that I'm sharing today in the episode. So as always, you can go into the show notes and click on those links for more information.

All right, let's get started. All right, so what is cognitive behavioral therapy and how does it work? Well, it's like a mental makeover. It teaches people to identify and reframe negative thought patterns.

Cognitive therapy is a widely used and evidence-based therapeutic approach that focuses on the relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It's a short-term goal-oriented psychotherapy that aims to help individuals identify and change those unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors. And its core premise is that our thoughts, our feelings, and behaviors are interconnected and changing negative thought patterns can lead to changes in emotions and behaviors.

So now I'm going to run through really briefly what the key components of CBT are, And then I'm going to share a client story of a teen and how his parents hired me to help them support their child's therapeutic journey at home. You know, sometimes we send our kids to therapy and that is great because we cannot be their therapist. But what do we do at home outside of the therapy office? Sometimes support from a parenting coach can help you navigate your own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors around your child, especially when they're struggling.

So the first key component of CBT is cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring involves identifying and challenging negative or irrational thoughts and replacing them with more balanced and constructive thoughts. So for example, if someone consistently thinks, oh man, I fail at everything. Well, cognitive restructuring might involve taking a look at evidence to the contrary.

So replacing this thought with a more realistic one, such as I have succeeded in similar situations before. Okay. And then key component number two is behavioral activation. So behavioral activation focuses on identifying and changing behaviors that contribute to negative emotions.

It involves engaging in activities that bring a sense of accomplishment and joy. So for example, if someone is withdrawing from social activities because they are depressed or anxious, behavioral activation might involve gradually reintroducing social interactions to improve mood. Okay, and then number three, exposure therapy. So exposure therapy is commonly used to treat anxiety disorders, and it often involves gradually facing and overcoming fears or anxieties through controlled or systematic exposure to the feared stimuli.

So for example, if a person has a specific phobia, like a fear of flying, well, they might undergo a series of exposure exercises, starting with imagining a flight, and then they're going to look at pictures of airplanes, and then maybe they're going to go to the airport, and then eventually they're going to take short flights. That's an example of exposure therapy. Now, number four is problem solving. So CBT often includes problem solving strategies that are going to help people address and cope with life's challenges more effectively. So for example, if someone is struggling with relationship difficulties, problem solving in CBT might involve identifying specific issues with relationship, generating potential solutions, and then implementing a plan of action. And then number five includes mindfulness techniques. Now, while mindfulness techniques are not as central in CBT as in other therapeutic approaches, like we talked about last week with dialectical behavioral therapy. CBT sometimes incorporates mindfulness techniques to bring awareness to emotional reactivity and to reduce that emotional reactivity. So mindfulness exercises might include things like focused breathing, body scanning, grounding, or mindful awareness of your thoughts and feelings.

Now CBT is known for being structured, it's time limited, and collaborative. And it's used to treat a wide range of mental health issues, including anxiety disorders, depression, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and so much more. And CBT is often done in individual or group therapy sessions, but it can also be adapted for use in self-help formats. So yes, you can learn the CBT techniques that you can use in everyday life without the need for therapy or without having a diagnosis. Now last week, I shared a little bit about what dialectical behavioral therapy is, and that it often combines cognitive behavioral therapy. And the two approaches together can complement each other and in some cases, be integrated to provide a really comprehensive treatment plan for the teen or adult. DBT and CBT can work together. And we're going to talk about how that looks in an upcoming episode with Dr. JJ Kelly of Unorthodox Inc. Dr.

JJ Kelly is my go-to when it comes to all things dialectical behavioral therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy techniques. So to learn how Dr. JJ can help you and your family or to learn how she can help your executive team in your company, click the schedule button on her website or the link in the show notes. You can also follow Dr. JJ Kelly on Instagram by searching for at Dr. JJ Kelly. Okay, next, let's look at real life impact. I'm going to share a real life scenario where CBT has significantly impacted a family that I worked with. You know, CBT is not like I mentioned, not just theoretical. It's a therapy that has real world everyday applications. And one of my parent coaching clients had a teenager, I'm going to call him Alex. And Alex had been struggling with overwhelming anxiety that made daily life feel like an insurmountable challenge. His anxiety had started impacting his school attendance, social interactions, his hygiene, and overall well-being. Now, of course, his parents were concerned and they had tried some other therapy models and some family therapy, but they weren't really making much progress. So they reached out to me for a 90-minute strategy session and then decided to seek help from a mental health professional who specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy. Now before bringing Alex to therapy, I encouraged the parents to educate themselves and then Alex on what the therapy was,

what was the goal of the therapy, and then I encouraged them to give him some examples of how the therapy had helped other teens. Then Alex was encouraged to come up with questions and was actually given some questions to ask the therapist, including permission to interview the therapist. He was able to ask the therapist some questions on the phone before scheduling an appointment. And then once he decided to work with a therapist, he made a commitment to attending X number of visits, even on days that he didn't want to go. So he was very invested in the therapeutic schedule and process, kind of like a contract. Now, once he started meeting with the CBT therapist, Alex felt this kind of mix of nervousness, but also hope because his parents had educated him because they gave him some control over choosing the therapist and they educated him on the intended outcome of the therapy. It wasn't just as though he was supposed to go to therapy and talk about his feelings and there was some magic wand that was going to help him come out on the other side.

He actually was prepared and had hope. So the therapist joined first to create trust with Alex. They completed a psychological evaluation with a few question and answer kind of tests, and soon the therapist was able to identify that Alex had developed a pattern of catastrophic thinking. He was expecting the worst possible outcome in a number of situations.

So in the early sessions, the therapist worked with Alex to identify those negative thought patterns that were contributing to his anxiety. They explored instances when Alex felt particularly anxious, and then they dissected the thoughts that accompanied those moments. Together, they uncovered a pattern of automatic negative thoughts that were related to fear of failure, social rejection, and the unknown. And then next, once those patterns were identified, the therapist guided Alex through cognitive restructuring exercises.

They talked about evidence supporting and contradicting the negative thoughts. So, for instance, if Alex feared failing a test, well, they talked about past successes and instances where Alex's hard work had paid off. Now that process helped challenge and reframe Alex's automatic negative thoughts into more realistic and balanced thoughts. And Alex's parents could see this happening in real time.

We're going to talk in just a little bit about the parents' contribution to the therapy in the home outside of the therapeutic office as a support for Alex. But let's go into the next steps that the therapist did with Alex. Because of course, there were these behavior issues, right? So to address the impact of anxiety on Alex's daily activities, the therapist and Alex worked together on a behavioral activation plan.

So they identified the times that were enjoyable and the activities that were meaningful to Alex, the ones that he'd been avoiding because of his anxiety. Things like participating in extracurricular activities. He had stopped his sports altogether and he had even stopped hanging out with his friends. So Alex worked with his therapist to gradually reintroduce those activities and he began to experience a sense of accomplishment and increased self-esteem. And then next, while not everyone needs exposure therapy, given that social anxiety was a significant challenge for Alex, the therapist introduced exposure therapy. They created this like pecking order of anxiety provoking situations, starting with the less intimidating kind of scenarios and progressing to the more challenging ones. And through gradual and controlled exposure, Alex learned to confront and manage his social fears. And he was able to, throughout this therapeutic journey, develop coping skills for managing his anxiety. He did use some mindfulness techniques, some breathing exercises, and problem-solving strategies became valuable tools that Alex could use in various situations. Now, Alex and his parents were not very excited about medication. They researched it. They talked to their pediatrician, but they chose to try other alternatives. And I think individually,

each family needs to decide for themselves which is the best approach. Medication or not, there is no one right way or one best answer. One of the tools that Alex's family decided to use is called Calmigo. Calmigo is a patented technology device that provides immediate drug-free relief in moments of anxiety and stress. It's helpful for people ages six and up and it's actually like a device that looks like an inhaler that helps you regulate and calm your breathing. For more information, you can click on the link in the show notes, enter the coupon code NOPROBLEM and receive $35 off your Call Me Go. Are you a veteran or do you know a veteran that struggles with PTSD?

Click on a special veterans link in the show notes. The link will give you information on how your veteran can receive a Call Me Go absolutely free. All right, back to Alex. So over time, as Alex continued to put the principles of CBT both in therapy and in daily life to use, a gradual shift occurred. His school attendance improved, his social interactions became less daunting, he made new friends, and his anxiety no longer dominated every aspect of his life.

The collaborative efforts between Alex, his therapist, and his parents helped him deal with the challenges of his anxiety. So now let's take a look at how his parents helped and supported their son outside of the therapy office and at home. There are things that we can do to be the supportive coaches that our kids need when they're in therapy. I'm going to share about how the techniques, the key components of cognitive behavioral therapy can be seamlessly integrated into your everyday family routines and you can help support this therapeutic process without being the therapist. So I know I already said this, but knowing they needed their son to do something even before starting the therapy, Alex's parents took the initiative to educate him on what CBT was. And there were other therapeutic modalities that they shared with Alex as well.

They had done a little bit of research ahead of time. And then they provided examples of how the therapy had helped other teenagers. Well, all this preemptive education, it actually helped Alex to understand the purpose of the therapy. And it gave him a sense of hope, but it also put him in charge and made him feel like there wasn't something wrong with him. It showed him we don't know what we don't know and that there was a way out of the way he was feeling, the way he was thinking, and the way he was behaving. And when they gave Alex the opportunity to ask the therapist questions, to ask them questions to learn more, but to ask and interview the therapist before committing to the sessions, this empowered him by giving him a sense of control and involvement in the decision making process. So when we encourage our kids to ask questions about the therapy, to meet the therapist, express any concerns they may have without being ready to defend the therapy or defend the need for therapy. You're actually helping to create a sense of ownership and commitment. It's not about the kid going to therapy to make you happy or to make you feel better. The teen learns that this is about them and their progress and their success and their self-worth and their value. And then they're ready to commit. Once Alex made the commitment to attend a specific number of therapy sessions to give it a try and to really stick with it, even on the days

when he might not feel like going, well, that commitment was treated like a contract. It highlighted that initially the therapy may be uncomfortable. He may not see and experience the benefits of it right away. And that's normal and that's common and typical. And so it just sealed the deal that the therapy needed time and consistent attendance in order for him to start seeing the progress. So he made that commitment and they treated it like a contract. Now, when Alex was learning about how to identify negative thought patterns, his parents actively participated in helping him with that in everyday life by paying attention to instances when they noticed Alex was feeling anxious. And then they collaboratively worked with the therapist to kind of figure out those patterns and what they were related to, like the fear of failure and the social rejection and the fear of the unknown. And so parents, we can observe and engage in open conversations with our teens and we can identify situations that trigger the anxiety. Use active listening, recognizing those reoccurring negative thought patterns. Let's not be super reactive. I teach you ways in becoming a no problem parent how to kind of stay out of the battle and how to pay attention, be curious, notice, and wonder rather than consequence, react, and get defensive and pour all of your own emotional crap onto your kids. Now that said, of course there are going

to be consequences for negative behavior. So Alex and his parents worked together on a behavioral activation plan. They talked about the things that Alex enjoyed doing, the activities that he had fun with, that he had been avoiding due to his anxiety, and then they actively supported Alex in gradually reintroducing those activities and helping him acknowledge the accomplishments of that. So create a joint plan with your teen to reintroduce them to enjoyable activities that they might normally be avoiding and then even participate in some of those activities to provide support and encouragement.

Then let's make sure that when there are consequences, the consequences fit the crime, that we're not going overboard with the consequence and that consequences, unnatural consequences aren't our go-to. Use the make it right technique. You can go back and listen to episode nine and episode 23 to learn more about the make it right technique. There are links in the show notes to get a free download of that.

or you can always email me Jackie at no problem parents.com and request an emailed copy. All right just a couple more and then I'm going to give you some separate tips for how you can get started with your kiddos today. So the next thing would be that how can the parents support the exposure therapy that Alex went through? Well since they were targeting his social anxiety Alex's parents assisted him in facing and managing some of his social fears. So they went along with him at first They sat in the car while he was with peers, even though the peers didn't know that his parents were waiting for him.

They had a catchphrase that Alex could text them so that he would get a call from them and they would say, hey, sorry, bud, we got to come and get you. We have something to go to. So it kind of helped pull him out of a situation when he was uncomfortable. But his friends never knew that was even happening.

And he kind of got to blame it on his parents. In the beginning, that's what he did because he wasn't comfortable communicating his needs with his friends. But eventually, by the time he completed his cognitive behavioral therapy, he was able to support and advocate for himself and not worry what the friends thought. And then finally, as the therapist worked with Alex to develop some coping skills, Alex's parents actually got involved in that process as well.

And they had discovered Call Me Go, which I referred to earlier in this episode. And so they looked at those kinds of things together and they supported Alex in how he wanted to use the mindfulness techniques to make sure that he wasn't embarrassed or put in situations where he would be doing some of these things in front of other people that really caused him anxiety, but also supporting him in owning and validating his needs and normalizing the mindfulness techniques and the problem solving strategies that were working for him so he could really become confident and feel empowered.

So practicing coping skills as a family, the parents started, they learned more about their own mental health and their own anxiety and frustrations and triggers and reactionary responses. And so they were all able to find what worked for them as far as mindfulness. And they created a supportive environment that not only helps their teen to integrate all of the skills in their teen's daily lives, but also in their own.

The mom went from overwhelming distress and crying herself to sleep at night. The dad went from explosive anger and rejection of his son, throwing his hands up like there's nothing we can do. And the son was going more and more inward and just isolating. And now this family, because of the steps that they took, because of the intentional effort they put in to do this as a family and get out of blame and shame and whose problem it was or who was right or who was wrong or all of those things, because they prioritized their son, their own education. They empowered, they were committed, and they were actively participating and contributing to this as a family. This family is joined, connected, and they succeeded. Okay, so then the last thing that I'm going to share with you today is a couple of tips for what you can do regardless if your child has a mental health diagnosis or you're even considering any type of therapy for them, much less CBT. There are some things that we all families can do and implement just for healthier conversations and better communication. One of One of my favorite tips is to create a thought journal for two.

Okay, so a thought journal with your child each day, or maybe it's each week. Again, you do you, you figure out what works in your schedule. I don't want some of these tips I give you to feel so overwhelming, you never even try them. But take a few minutes to jot down a positive or a challenging thought or situation that you both experienced that day.

And then you can just kind of talk about how could you reframe any of the negative thoughts that went along with that situation. Not only are you going to normalize the process, but you're also going to strengthen your connection. You're going to learn from the way they reframe a negative thought, and they're going to learn from the way that you reframe a negative thought. So just imagine sitting down with your kiddos at the end of the day, and you both grab your shared thought journal, and you say, hey, you might say as the parent, I felt really proud today when I finished this work project, but I was also kind of stressed the upcoming deadline, and I didn't know if I was going to make it.

And then your child might say, well, I felt really happy when I played with my friend today, but I felt really worried today during my math test. I didn't know if I was going to be able to finish it. And then you can talk about how you each reframed your stress, took that challenge or that worry and turned it into an opportunity to learn. It's a really cool tip for connection.

And it also teaches your kiddo the valuable skill of reframing negative thoughts and getting out of what I like to call stinking thinking. Okay, so another tip I'm going to share is called the mindful moments routine. Incorporating mindful moments into your daily routine, whether it's during breakfast or your car rides to school and to work, bedtime, at some point encourage a brief pause to just reflect on the day. Teach your kids how to remember the pause so that when we do have those high, stressful, tense, reactionary moments, we are our brain, we've wired, we've trained our brain to already kind of know, oh, instead of fight or flight, I'm going to pause, not freeze, but pause and think about this, shift myself to the logical part of my brain, my prefrontal cortex before I react or get upset about this. And then asking open-ended questions about their feelings or their thoughts.

So this can help with communication and developing mindfulness too. So it might look like in the morning car ride to school, you're going to start a mindful moments routine. You'll turn off the radio and say, okay, hey, let's take a minute to think about how we're feeling today. Where's our frame of mind?

And you might say, I'm feeling excited about our family dinner tonight. Oh, but I'm also feeling anxious about this big presentation I have to do in front of a bunch of people at work. And then your child's turn to take in and they say, I'm happy about the school play today because I get to watch my friend. But I'm nervous about the soccer game tonight because we're going to be playing a really hard team.

This can become a routine, just sort of a daily checkpoint, checking in with each other and creating new conversations and helping your kiddo develop mindfulness strategies naturally. These tips aren't about being their cognitive behavioral therapist. You can't be doing that for your kids. Even if you are a cognitive behavioral therapist, you've got a therapist you're going to send your kid to.

But the tips are about being a supportive presence in your kiddo's life. Try them out. See the positive impact that they can have on your family. And then I did mention I would share a bonus tip as well.

Have you guys heard of the rose petal thorn activity? Maybe some of you have thought of that as you were listening to today's episode. So sitting around the dinner table with your family or sitting in the living room with your family, introduce the rose petal thorn activity as a nightly ritual for your family. Again, it doesn't have to be every night.

It can be with whoever's in the room at the time. It can be random. It doesn't have to be, you know, for the type A parents listening today. It doesn't have to be at a certain time of a certain day.

let's we can relax a little bit right but you start by sharing your rose for the day and the rose is like the bright light so maybe my rose for today was having this super meaningful conversation with a friend at work and it just made my day brighter your kid might say well my rose was acing that science quiz oh man it felt awesome and then everybody shares a petal something positive but not outstanding. So it might be something like I had a few minutes for a break at work.

And so I went into the lunchroom and nobody else was in there. And I read for 15 minutes. It wasn't anything super thrilling or extraordinary, but it was peaceful for me. And it actually brought me some joy. And then maybe your kiddo's going to say, I helped one of my friends in school do their homework. Wasn't really a big deal. I mean, I'm super good at science. And so like I knew how to do it but they didn't and so it kind of felt good to help them out and then all of you are going to share your thorn which is a challenge or a difficulty okay so you might say something like oh well my thorn today was a bit frustrated with all the tasks on my to-do list I got a little bit overwhelmed and it was hard to kind of manage everything and I didn't get it all done and I'm going to have more work to do tomorrow and then your kid might say something like oh I got a bad great on my math test today because I solved the first problem wrong and then that made me solve all the other ones wrong and it was so frustrating but I already talked to my teacher and she's going to help me through it tomorrow. So rose, petal, thorn. It's a simple activity that encourages open communication. It's going to help family members kind of understand how each other's day went without just saying that annoying or boring. So how was your day? Well what happened? Well what did you do? Consider cognitive behavioral therapy or the practical tips for how you can kind of

incorporate some of the components of cognitive behavioral therapy into your everyday family life. Remember, it's not just about changing our thoughts. It's about fostering resilience and emotional well-being in our kiddos. If you want to dive deeper into CBT, you can check out the National Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists website.

They offer it's nacbt.org. Or you can check out my favorite resource, Dr. JJ Kelly of Unorthodox Inc. Go to drjjkelly.com, book a call with her. And Dr. JJ also offers executive coaching, when it comes to all things emotional intelligence.

Schedule a call with Dr. JJ Kelly to learn about speaking opportunities and emotional intelligence training for your executive team. All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey, thanks guys for tuning in.

If you found value in today's episode, click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost. Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool, go to noproblemparents.com. Until next time, remember, your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks.

So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember, you got this. Thank you.