Part 1/3: ”No Problem Parenting Holiday Harmony Series” - Taming Tantrums in Stores and at Events with Jaci Finneman

Hey, welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast, where we choose to deal with and overcome the behavior problems in our home by putting those problems in their place so that they don't cause even more problems. I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, parenting coach and strategist, and you guys, I teach and support parents just like you in the day-to-day ups and downs of parenting on how and how not to respond to your kiddo's behavior so that you can become the confident leaders your kids crave you to be.

So whether you're knee deep in wrapping paper or you're strategically hiding the good cookies from the little cookie monsters in your home, today is all about holiday harmony. So if you're ready to jingle all the way without losing your sanity, you're in the right place. So grab a cup of cocoa, kick back, and let's unwrap the secrets to holiday harmony together. Are you ready?

Let's dive in. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. from toddler tantrums to teenage eye rolls, this podcast is your go-to for updated and old school tips and tools that are gonna help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Do you ever wish there was a specific manual that came with each one of your kids?

I mean, what works for one often doesn't work for the other, right? And let's face it, we don't know what we don't know. And even if there was a manual, it probably wouldn't be able to keep up with all the changes in our world. Well, this podcast is the next best thing.

I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, a 30-year counselor turned parenting coach. And I've got a lot to share, including hundreds of resources that you have access to right from your home and strategies that are going to boost your confidence and energize you. Whether you're knee-deep in diapers or navigating the tween years, or you're launching your child into adulthood, subscribe and share this podcast with your friends, teachers, and daycare providers.

We're going to turn your parenting problems into no problem, one episode at a time. All right, let's get into it. I've got three tips for you today to navigate the holiday season and make sure that you are using the three-step no problem parenting approach. Seeking first to understand, preparing for the worst, and changing the conversation.

So behavior challenge number one, I'm going to go through three of these today. temper tantrums during holiday shopping and I'll add during holiday events as well it's kind of a twofer before heading out to the store or to the event take just a moment to understand your child's perspective think about when you pick them up from daycare or school and you're heading to the store are they tired are they hungry have they been overstimulated thinking about their mood in that moment and recognizing it, actually acknowledging it. Recognize the potential triggers that might happen that would cause them to have a tantrum or a meltdown. Are you going into a really busy store?

It's holiday season. Yes, lots of people are shopping online, but the stores are, especially certain hours of the day, are crowded. Maybe there's going to be long wait times. And then what's their history, their behavior history with events like this, with shopping or going to events that maybe they're not necessarily excited about, or even if they are excited about them, like what is their history?

Just kind of run this through your mind really quick. Thinking about what has happened in the past and or predicting what might happen based on the day that they've had is super key in helping you keep calm and not join in on the same level of emotion that your child is having. So that leads me to step two, prepare for the worst. So when we think about temper tantrums during shopping or during an event, think about how you can prepare so that you respond instead of react to the child's behavior, potential behavior, before you go into the store or before you go to the event.

Let the child know what the store or the event might be like. Help them prepare for what they're about to walk into. You can be doing this while you're driving. You can be having the conversation.

You can definitely do it the day before or the morning of. You can predict with them. You can say, you know, sometimes we go shopping after a long day and you're super tired and you kind of melt down. Describe what the meltdown looks like and then let them know that you're going to do your best to help them.

Maybe you say something like, I don't even want to be shopping and we have to get the shopping done. How can we work together to make this happen? You can do this even with a toddler. Sometimes we think, oh, they're not going to understand.

but they do and or just in your conversation and your tone and how you're preparing and you're saying this with confidence like that can be a game changer for how the kid responds to you or how the kid responds to the environment that they're walking into okay so let them know you understand it might be hard and they don't want to and you appreciate that they're going to do it anyway they're going to go into the store the event to church whatever it is and they're going to do it with you. And so you want to make sure you're acknowledging that you appreciate they've had a long day or they're super excited and they have all these emotions and, you know, do a calming, do one of your calming techniques, you know, put your hand on your heart and your hand on your stomach, teach the child to do that and be like, okay, we got this. Let's just take a quick minute to calm ourselves down and calm our body down before we go into the store or the event.

You can also let them know that when you go into the store, what you're looking for, what you're going to buy, about how long you think it's going to take. And you can do this to teenagers as well. If you've got a teenager coming with you and they just aren't into it and they don't want to do it, you can say, hey, I love doing things for you. And I know that sometimes you need to do things for me that you don't want to do.

And I just so appreciate you doing it anyway. Remember our 60 ways to respond to our kids. If you haven't listened to those episodes, go back and listen to those responses because they're going to be game changers during this holiday season of hustle and bustle. So you want to make sure to prepare them that we're going into the store to get X, Y and Z.

And I am not buying anything for you when we're at the store. And then you can also say to them, you can ask me to get you something at the store. I'm not going to buy it. maybe you'll want to write it on your Christmas list for Santa or maybe you want to put it on your wish list for a future gift but I can tell you today I am not buying anything at the store that isn't on my list okay then you can go even a step further with preparing for the worst and you can say if you do have a hard time and if what I do doesn't help you and you still get upset or have a meltdown or a screamer, I just want to let you know, I'm going to wait for you to finish your screamer and then we're going to continue shopping because we need to get these things. So even if you throw a fit, even if you have a meltdown at the store and there's other shoppers around,

I'm just going to pause. I'm going to let you have your screamer, your meltdown, and then we're going to keep removing and get the rest of our stuff. So even a screamer isn't going to cause me to leave the store today. Got it? And I always like to say to kids, got it? And have them repeat, got it? So that you're both in an understanding. And we don't do this in a convincing tone. It's not like you're asking them for permission if this is okay. You're just being very confident and matter of fact and saying, got it? Got it. So they understand and this is the way it's going to happen today. If you do need to leave, if ultimately you've done all this prep and you get in the store and things happen out of your control. Remember, life throws us curveballs.

Our kids certainly do. You may need to escort them out of the store kicking and screaming. That's no problem, guys. I know it's frustrating, but when we're prepared, that ultimately the worst might happen, even though it can be upsetting to us and we can just be like worked up or embarrassed or nervous or frustrated or whatever it is, we shift gears.

And sometimes, this has happened to me, no matter how much we prepared, our kid just does have an extreme meltdown. Remember, you're not in the store to make friends with the people at the store. We want to be respectful of other people's shopping experience, but hey, we're parents, our kids, stuff happens. And so sometimes we can allow that little bit of a screamer. The kid sees that we're not doing anything about it. We're just watching them. We're letting them get through it.

We're using one of the 60 ways to respond to them. And then we keep removing, or we do sometimes have to pick them up, kicking and screaming, get them out of the store. And then later we can use that make it right technique so that the kids can make up for what they did that caused a problem for us or for somebody else and or the time that they took away from us. They can use the make it right technique to make it right. Now, another thing you can do to prepare for the worst is if your child, you're picking your child up after school and you have to go to the store or right to an event or an activity, pack a small bag of snacks. Include a favorite toy of theirs or maybe it's something that they haven't played with in a while so they're more curious about it. Maybe a blanket or some sort of comfort item. We want this to be a win-win for everybody. Yes, our kids have to come with us sometimes and they just have to and we don't need to accommodate their every need. And it's also okay to say, hey, I appreciate that you're going to sit in the cart or you're going to walk alongside of me or you're going to help me pick out the groceries, whatever it is. You're appreciating and acknowledging that with the kids. But also having a plan for what to do if your child does throw a big screamer and you have to deal with it. All right and so how do we change the conversation if and when the child is really bucky does not want to go with you they're already expressing

their discomfort with having to go to the store or to the event and you're like okay I still have to get in there we still have to do this you can prepare for the tantrum or the meltdown so that when it happens instead of reacting negatively to that tantrum and throwing out all of your power and control kind of parenting tactics. You can change the conversation by redirecting their attention. You can use distraction. You can do the Columbo. Oh my gosh, I forgot we were supposed to grab milk and you're on the opposite side of the store. And so you push the cart super duper fast and say, oh my gosh, we have to hurry up in case everybody bought the milk already. We have to go see if there's more milk. I mean, that's the art of distraction. Your kid, you're throwing your kid totally off base. Like, wait, what? What's the emergency here? And mom's acting really weird, that sometimes can be enough to shift the tantrum. It's like, oh, I forgot about this. And then you race the cart to the other side of the store. Sometimes those distractible moments that are so spontaneous, they kind of just shift your kid's brain a bit and they even forget what they were fussing about. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I'm here to give you lots of tips and tools so you can try it. And you've got these tools in your toolbox that you can pull from at any given time. Sometimes we have to try two or three or four things. Now, the other thing you

need to make sure that you're doing when a child does handle, you've prepared for everything, they do handle the shopping trip, they do handle the event and everything goes smoothly. Remember to acknowledge that when you get back into the car. Remember to say, hey, we prepared for this. You went in the store. That must have been really hard to see all those toys that you want and know that you're not getting anything and you didn't even ask, or maybe they asked and you said, nope, not getting anything today. We got to keep her moving. And they handled that and they sat really quiet and they just did it. Anytime that our children do what we've asked them to do, and this is again, toddlers to teens, acknowledge it later. Hey kiddo, thanks so much for doing that.

I noticed you sat through the entire event. I noticed you didn't whine or complain or ask me for something at the store. I appreciate that. Thank you. Remember, we need to acknowledge our kiddos when they are doing well and when we appreciate them. Keep in mind, as I summarize this episode today, that kids thrive on structure and routine. And I think we can all agree that there are certain times of the year where structure and routine kind of fall by the wayside. And they're typically the start of the school year, the holiday season, the end of the school year, and the summer break, right? And so just keep that in mind that their routine is changing.

And that's really hard for kids, not just young kids, for all kids. Make sure to be acknowledging that transition and that this is a tougher time for them as well as you. You're the adult, they're the kid. And so think about how many expectations you have for them on a regular basis and how many more expectations you have of them during the holiday season. It's no wonder why kids have tantrums, meltdowns, or isolate into their room. And keep in mind, we're not trying to convince our kids when we're talking to them, when we're describing the expectations or the change in the schedule. And then as always, practice the pause. That is one thing that is totally in your control that you can create a habit around of transition for yourself between home and work, between waking up and getting the day started, between winding down and getting the kids ready for bed and going to bed yourself, remember the pause. You can go back to episode one of this podcast and fast forward to minute 6.27 where I go into how to do the pause technique. I don't even like referring people back to the first episode because I was so new at podcasting. I cringe every time I listen to it, but the pause technique is super great to use for all kinds of problems or challenges. And so I encourage you to go back and listen at the 6.27 minute mark of episode number one. All right, that's it for part one of this three-part series.

Next week, Thursday, part two, we're going to talk about resistance to holiday family gatherings. Do you have kids that just don't want to go? Kids that are super shy and meltdown? Or kids that are super bucky and saying, I'm not going? We're going to cover that next week. And then in part three, we're going to talk about overindulgence in holiday treats. We're going to get these all in just before the holidays. So make sure you're following, subscribing to the podcast and that you're getting the notifications when new episodes drop. And thanks for sharing with your friends. I actually get text messages and emails from people that say, hey, this was so great. I passed it on to my sister or my cousin. And I love hearing what has been working with the 60 ways to respond to your kiddos. Thanks for reaching out, sharing your comments. And if you've been following the show,

you've noticed we published an episode on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of this week. We're going to take a little break for the weekend. We'll be back on Monday and we will do another four episodes to get caught up for the end of the year. And remember, if you're struggling, if you just need somebody to talk you off the ledge or give you a quick way to respond or handle a situation with your kiddos, there's a link in the show notes to connect with me. I encourage you to do that. Thanks much. We'll be back next week. All right. That's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast.

Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode, click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost. Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool. Go to noproblemparents.com.

Until next time, remember your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks. So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, And remember, you got this.