5 Practical Tips to Prevent Mom Rage with special guest Elizabeth Andreyevsky

All right, welcome back. No problem, parents. Today's episode is a game changer, and I am super glad that we've recorded this episode in time for the holidays because, of course, with the holidays comes additional tasks, additional stress, additional events, and things that increase our stress load. We become even more overwhelmed. So if you haven't already been losing your cool on your kids or you're starting to notice that it's creeping up, my guest, Elizabeth Andreevsky, is going to help us to overcome that.

We're going to start with shifting the mindset. And when you change the way you think, you change the actions you take. Today's podcast sponsor is Dr. JJ Kelly at drjjkelly.com and her Get Real program, an emotional skills training program based on dialectical behavioral therapy.

If you have a teen or young adult experiencing ongoing conflicts in relationships, intense and rapid mood changes, the inability to relax, trouble recognizing choice, holding in your anger and then blowing up at others or numbing out in response to fear, Dr. JJ will help. In fact, hands down, she is my favorite resource to refer parents to who have teens and young adults that are struggling. If you have a teen or young adult that's been in therapy for years and nothing seems to be working, reach out to Dr. JJ Kelly today.

Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. From toddler tantrums to teenage eye rolls, this podcast is your go-to for updated and old school tips and tools that are going to help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be do you ever wish there was a specific manual that came with each one of your kids i mean what works for one often doesn't work for the other right and let's face it we don't know what we don't know and even if there was a manual it probably wouldn't be able to keep up with all the changes in our world well this podcast is the next best thing. I'm your host, Jackie Finneman, a 30-year counselor turned parenting coach, and I've got a lot to share, including hundreds of resources that you have access to right from your home and strategies that are going to boost your confidence and energize you. So whether you're knee-deep in diapers or navigating the tween years, or you're launching your child into adulthood,

subscribe and share this podcast with your friends, teachers, and daycare providers. We're going to turn your parenting problems into no problem, one episode at a time. Elizabeth is the host of Emotionally Healthy Legacy Podcast and a mom of four, and she's super passionate about mental health and emotional wellness. We're going to cover those five practical tips to prevent mom rage.

And if you've already been in that place of mom rage, feeling guilt and shame for losing your cool with your kids, Elizabeth has another resource that's going to help you break free from mom rage shame. I am thrilled to have you here, Elizabeth. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to have this conversation.

After viewing your information and watching a lot of your stuff and being a part of your community, listening to your podcast, one of the things that when we first met, I was saying, I cannot imagine with your sweet voice and your demeanor and everything that you do, I cannot imagine you being rage-filled and snapping at your kids. Many of us, that it's like, you kind of go, that person is so sweet and so nice. There's no, I bet they just have the perfect home life. And that couldn't be more far from the truth in your early years before developing your program. So tell us a little bit about how you developed and why you developed emotionally healthy legacy. Thank you for asking. So my first experience, I think when I first experienced mom rage was when my oldest son was three. And then I had a newborn who was just a a few weeks old and my second son was colic and he cried a lot. And imagine being at home all day with a toddler and a colic baby. And I remember, um, my, my baby just fell asleep. I finally rocked him to sleep, put him in the swing and he was sleeping. And my three-year-old came up to him,

picked up his hand and bit his finger, his brother's finger. Obviously the baby woke up, The baby started crying. And this was my first moment that I can really clearly remember of rage where I completely lost it. I screamed at my son.

I physically hurt him to the point where he started crying and he was so scared. And I just like felt so out of control in that moment. I, it just completely lost it. I literally like the moment, the, how I can explain this.

I felt like it was an out of body experience. I felt completely out of control. And then right away filled with this remorse and shame and regret. How could I have done this to my son? He's just three years old. Like he was just, I don't even know what he was trying to do, but like, he didn't have the intent, like, Oh, I'm going to wake up and hurt my brother. That was not his intent. But at that moment I was sleep deprived. I was feeling overwhelmed. I was probably hungry. I hadn't had a moment to myself.

I'm an introvert. I need that time to myself. My husband was at work. I had crying baby for hours and like all that stress has built up and it led to that moment. Now I can reflect on it and have compassion on myself. But at that time I felt like I was the worst mom in the world. How could I have ever done that to my son? And so that was my first moment of rage, but it wasn't something that was happening super regularly, but it was just once in a while come up. And then I had my third son and I started to notice that I was getting more and more reactive as a mom. So I had three boys, five and under. I was just like, my days just felt constantly reactive. And my third was a little curious, George, you would get into everything. And I felt like all day, I was just putting out fires with this one and a half year old. I, my friend recommended for me to go to counseling for parenting, just because I felt like I was complaining to my friends. Like, I feel like I'm always reacting and raising my voice and just like feeling frustrated all day long with my son.

And then even spanking him out of anger, because he would get into everything. He was a one and a half year old, you know, they're just curious. And my mentality was, I need to spank it out of him, because that's the way I was raised. And so I just was hating the way I was showing up as a mom. And a friend of mine recommended to go to parenting counseling, which I did. I was introduced to connective parenting. That was like a whole new world to me. I, it was so different from the way I was raised. And so that just kind of like opened the doors to everything where I am today. I struggled a little bit in the beginning. I felt like I was really trying to do this new parenting, new way of parenting, but I was constantly failing and going back to my old ways of doing things until I learned how to support myself proactively and how to fill my own cup first.

So I wasn't running an empty because if I was running an empty, all those tools are great and I could not access any of them because I was feeling too overwhelmed and stressed out. But when I started to create healthy habits and shift some of my mentality and perspectives outside of the moment, not waiting until I was triggered and starting to do that internal work that was reflective and supportive, I started to notice how that was allowing me to have much more tolerance throughout the day with my kids.

And so that's how my podcast was born, Emotionally Healthy Legacy. And my coaching program was born for Christian moms who struggle with out-of-control anger, who want to avoid breaking relationships with their loved ones and destroying relationships because of their out-of-control anger that is hurtful. I love that you also say that that tools are great and we share a lot of tools on the No Problem Parenting podcast.

The tools are only good if you're able to follow through with them, implement them and use them. And no one can pour out to anyone on an empty cup. So that's what we're going to get into today. We're going to dive into those five practical things that you can do that are going to help you feel less triggered and really pay attention to nurturing and taking care of yourself. It is so true when we say you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you can support and help your kiddo if there is an emergency or a crisis and the plane is going down. And I really see these five things that we're going to address today as doing that for moms. Yes. So all of these five things that I will mention today, they are completely in your control, all of them,

Because oftentimes we have stressors in our lives that happen and there's nothing we can do about them. It's just life. But the things I will mention today, they're completely all in your control and you can start doing something about them today immediately. So number one is a morning routine or a ritual.

And that would include you getting up before your kids and having, I would say, at least half an hour to yourself as a mom. When we wake up, our stress levels are at its highest. So imagine a scale of zero to 10 and 10 is when you lose your cool, your max, you like freak out at your kids. Well, when you wake up, you're like an eight out of 10, your stress levels are at its highest.

And if you jump right into your day, putting out fires with the kids, you know, and just getting the kids ready and rushing for the day. And let's say a baby was crying and you changing a diaper. And then someone's like climbing the counter in the kitchen. I'm thinking of like toddlers because I have a toddler.

and right away you're just resolving sibling conflict. You are, your stress level is going up really, really quickly and you really don't have much wiggle room until you get to a 10. It is so much easier to start feeling reactive when you're going from eight to a 10. If you wake up a little bit earlier in the morning before your kids and as Christian, as a believer, I encourage all my clients is to spend some time with God.

It doesn't have to sit there and read the Bible. You can just sit in silence and just invite him into your day and just pray for a few minutes and say, Hey God, like inviting you to be my day. Like, please guide me and direct me, give me wisdom and just literally sit in silence, drink your coffee for five minutes and just peace and silence right now, as we're recording is right before Christmas. I love to sit in the living room, turn on the Christmas tree and just sit there and just look at the Christmas lights.

just just sit and quiet and just sip my coffee and just thank God for things that are going well in my life and just bringing any concerns to him and just inviting him into my day and it literally takes me like five minutes and having some calming ritual in the morning or rhythm or routine whatever you call it to calm your nervous system to get you down from an eight to like a two or a One, that when your kids do get up and let's say they do have sibling conflict, which happens in my home all the time.

I have four kids every day, every day. There's so much more tolerance for that. You have so much more window of tolerance and patience to handle that. So that would be my encouragement for you is to get up half an hour before your family and use that time to connect with God and do something without your phone.

Put your phone away. Don't touch your phone. That increases your stress levels. No phone, no social media, just calm and peaceful.

Maybe journal for a little bit, maybe read the Bible, maybe listen to a worship song, literally be in silence for a little bit. And I love that you will notice a massive, massive difference. And I love that you say that it's in our control because we can get up just that little bit early and be super intentional. I teach a lot about the pause and remembering the pause.

It's a great time to just pause. And even if you're just staring at the Christmas tree lights or out the window and just being still, that is super important. And it is a huge game changer. Sometimes parents will say, oh my gosh, I hit the snooze button and, you know, I, and then I'm, I end up being late.

I'm not even getting myself anything to eat and I've got to get the kids ready to go. And I'm off to work or I'm planning the homeschool day or whatever it is. Practical tip number two is meeting your basic needs. Yes, it is.

And those are sleep and hydration in eating meals. And so if you do get up a little bit before your kids in the morning, you will have a little bit more time to have a breakfast, you know, by yourself, even in peace and silence, you might have some time to hydrate because you have that time to yourself. So oftentimes as moms, we take care of everyone else and we literally just forget to take care of our basic needs.

and then it's 2 p.m. and your blood sugar is wonky and you are just snapping at your kids. And if you just took a moment to pause, you will realize that you are just running on coffee all day and you literally had nothing to eat. And that is why you are feeling reactive because you're hangry and has nothing to do with your kids or their behavior or even it being a spiritual problem.

Like oftentimes in Christian communities, it's like, oh, it's always a spiritual issue, anger. no no no sometimes you just need sleep a nap and eat a good meal and you'll be fine right and so um and then like which that those two will lead to another one that is that i teach is another thing that's in your control number three is phone boundaries so oftentimes parents stay up too late scrolling on social media and that leads us to feeling super tired in the morning and we're like oh, I can't get up early in the morning.

Well, if we had better phone boundaries, we would. And that is also completely in your control. So as I'm recording this right before Christmas, I'm not sure when you guys will hear, but I would encourage you to take a break from social media. Actually just delete those apps off your phone.

They're just not there, period. You will notice you'll have so much more free time and you'll be able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour and you won't have anything that's in your hand. you know, keeping your scrolling. Cause if anything that keeps me at night, I would say social media is what would keep me up at night, just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. And then it's like 1130 and you're like, Oh, and I need to go to sleep. Yeah. And the baby's waking up in a couple of hours for the nighttime feed, or, you know, your toddler's coming in your room with nightmares or something's happening and now you're extra frustrated. And it's like, darn, if you just would have put the phone away and went to bed or read or done something peaceful and calming right before bed. You know, it's a game changer. I personally don't keep any of my apps on the home screen because I'm one of those people that likes a clean email box. I like to respond to notifications and things right away. So I've just learned, put them on page two of the screen. And I have certain times of the day or moments of the day where I'll go in and check.

But I think that's, I love that tip of yours that even just getting rid of the app for, you know, 15 days, 30 days at a time, it's not going to delete your information. It's just not going to be accessible from your phone. Yeah. And you will notice a massive improvement in your tolerance levels and patience levels, because speaking of phone boundaries, oftentimes what happens is there's two things that we can do is turn off notifications just off. Like when I did do social media. Right now I don't do that for my business, but when I did, I had no notifications at all, unless I open the app, then I see that somebody likes something or commented something, but I didn't even have the apps on my home screen, like you said, and I had all notifications turned off. Even my text messages, except my husband and my mom, their text messages come through and it makes a noise. Everything else is turned off. That way it's not distracting me from being present as a mom, the problem with our phone is that it's distracting us from reality. Let's say your child is having a hard moment and you have a group text that keeps going off. Ding, ding, ding, ding,

ding. Like you you're wired. Our brain is wired to want to go check our phone, right? Like it's just natural tendency. And so then you get more agitated with your child who's having a hard moment and is, you know, maybe telling you about something and you just want them to hurry up because you want to check your phone. So that's like a simple thing. Just turn off your phone notifications unless you absolutely have to do something for work, like which most of us, you know, especially a stay at home parent, like we typically don't, you know, we can turn off all the social media notifications. So that would be one thing. And then the other thing is like, be aware of when also our phone use when it comes to our phone boundaries. Oftentimes we're like,

we have a headpiece in one of our ears and we're like watching stuff and listening to stuff all the time and that causes overstimulation and I caught this myself the other week too I was listening to an audiobook as I'm making dinner and it's a new book that came out and I kept wanting to listen to it and then my kids having conflict and they need me and I keep wanting to listen to the audiobook and I'm agitated that they're having an issue between each other and instead of resolving it. I want to listen to the audio book. And so when we are multitasking like that, and we constantly listen to something and constantly create that stimulation, it will create more frustration.

So just be aware of it. That's a simple thing that you can do. Just literally take out that earpiece. So then, then you can be present with your kiddos. Yep. Awesome. Love that one. And then Sometimes we are feeling like we just never have time to even listen to an audio book or feed our soul or fill our cup.

And it's oftentimes because we're trying to do it all, everything, all the tasks, all the things all by ourselves. And so your next step or another practical tip is asking for help, which can be super hard for us mamas who want control of everything. So what do you suggest for that? Yeah, well, that's, that's a big one, because I know that a lot of moms have a hard time asking for help. And one of the things that I do with my clients is write down and reflect what, when you don't ask for help, how does that show up for you emotionally and mentally? Is it serving you? What are the consequences of that?

you're feeling agitated you're feeling overwhelmed you're snapping and losing your cool you're saying hurtful things to your kids you're reacting it's causing tension in your relationships at what cost if you ask for help to for your kids and for your spouse like for them to help out and you know you teach what to say if they say no right like you're the one that is an expert in that but asking for help. Sometimes we just try to do everything ourselves because we want to get it done just right. Well, sometimes we need to just let go of that mentality. The goal is for it to get done.

It doesn't have to get done the way that I do it. My husband doesn't get my kids ready for bed and do the night routine the way that I do it. And if I want help and I want to have an evening off, I just have to choose. It's like a mentality shift. It's like, I'm choosing to let it go.

You literally tell yourself, I'm choosing to let that go. So then I feel less stressed out. So then I feel less overwhelmed and it's okay to, things can be done differently. It's all right.

It's going to be fine. If they didn't brush their teeth the way that I do it tonight, it's going to be fine. I, it allowed me to have a bath night, you know, by myself and have some time to decompress. And so just like, even with my kids, my older kids, they do the dishes, they pack the lunches, you know, and we have chores and they do that.

and they're not done necessarily the way that I want it to be, but I choose intentionally to let go of that control. So then I feel less stressed. I feel less overwhelmed and I have a little bit more capacity and more room to like life happens. So I'm not always stretched so thin.

Yeah, that's really good. And I think sometimes too, being in control of everything and thinking we're the only ones that can do it all. Sometimes we end up over committing ourselves in, in our own home life, but then also in what we're doing for others, whether that's related to kids in school or our family members or friends, sometimes we're over committing ourselves. Yes. That is number five is over commitment saying yes to too many things. And I remember reading a book years ago, it was by Tanya Dalton and it was called the joy of missing out.

and she had this phrase in there. She's like, every time you say yes to something, you say no to something else. So every time we say yes to something, that's another thing that we need to manage. And everybody has a different capacity of the amount of things that they can handle.

Some people have a bigger capacity tank and others have a smaller one. I tend to be one of the people that I don't have a lot of capacity to handle a lot of things on my to-do list. I naturally get overwhelmed much quicker, which means I have to say no to a lot of things. And I have to ask for help a lot of times.

So then I'm not losing my cool. So then I'm not freaking out. And so when somebody asks you, say, like to commit to something or ask for help in some area, let's say a church, you know, there's a new commitment or at school, there's a new commitment. I think first thing you can do is like, I'm going to think about it.

Thank you for asking me. I'm going to think about it. I'll get back to you. And then take some time to reflect. As a Christian, you can pray about it, see where God leads you. I would encourage you to journal about it. Take a little bit of time to journal about it. Like if I'm choosing to say yes to this commitment, what am I going to say no to? What things on my schedule am I going to have to let go of? So if you are, you know, picking on another evening of commitment at church, well, does that mean you're losing an evening spending time with your kids and a relaxing evening at home. Well, what if you already have four other days in the week that are you're committed to? What does this mean? That means you are going to be rushing more and feeling more overwhelmed. And that's going to lead you to feeling more snappy and agitated with your family, which means maybe it's okay to say no. And you can just say like, in a kind and respectful way, like, thank you for thanking me. I really appreciate it.

I cannot give it the time that it deserves in this season of life. And that's it. have that inner self-talk and be like, you know what? I chose what is serving my family best in this season of life. I'm choosing peace. I'm choosing calm. And this is what's going to serve our family best in this season of life. I love that. You say take 24 hours before saying yes.

All of this is super intentional and it doesn't take a lot of work or time. And like you say, all five of these things are within our control. So super helpful, super great. What if we have moms listening today who really feel that rage. I mean, and rage is a big word. That's a, that's a powerful word. And on the outside, everything can look great, but on the inside or behind closed doors, we are truly kind of rage filled and we're flying off the handle. And now we've got guilt and shame along with that. When it comes to experiencing rage, most moms have a really hard time admitting it because it does come with so much shame and guilt. And especially as Christians, the enemy is really using those moments of weakness to speak lies over you that you're the worst mom in the world, your kids gonna grow up to hate you. You're not even meant to be a mom, you are ruining your kids for the rest of your life. And you are just consumed with that what's wrong with me, I'm the worse. And who wants to share that with anyone? Nobody does. And that's why I put together a free training for my mamas and listeners that are listening to this podcast. It's at endmomshame.com.

If you just go to that website, endmomshame.com. And it will lead you to a free training on overcoming mom shame. So five steps how to break free from shame after you experienced the mom rage. It will come with a, you know, a short workbook that you get to use as, you know, as a guide and it will help you reflect on why you even lost your cool in the first place, what can you differently and, um, change that inner self-talk. It's not going to take a ton of time to go through this, right? So no, it's, it's, I think it's like a 40 minute class that you can just listen to a training. And then, um, it take about maybe 10 minutes to reflect on it. Right. And you have that guidebook that goes along with it. So it's not like a long course or something a mama has to commit to, but it's really to, to spend a good hour or two with yourself watching the training and then reflecting and getting some great actionable tips to implement right away.

So that is super great. So awesome. I'm so thankful to have met you and that you joined me today on the show, Elizabeth, any other final things that you want to summarize or say before, before we end today. Yeah. I think I want to leave your listeners with, um, kind of a quote that nobody benefits when you're running an empty and nobody suffers when you take care of yourself.

Oh, that's a good one. Yes. And then real quick, before we wrap up, I'm going to talk about the emotionally healthy legacy podcast. Yeah. So on that podcast, we cover topics like mom rage and stress management and mom guilt and mom burnout and overwhelm and practical things and mindset shifts. What like what your thoughts are contributing to you feeling more frustrated, right? You know that and you teach on that and how to redirect those thoughts to make to feel more empowered instead of like, oh my gosh, my kids always do this. I never have any time to myself like this is my chance to be loving and kind to my children. And so we just do a lot of mindset shifts as well to help moms feel empowered instead of helpless and out of control in this circumstance. Oh, I love it. I'm super grateful to have you as a resource, Elizabeth. So thanks again so much for being on the show today. Thank you so much for having me. It was such an honor.

All right, that's it for today's episode of the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Hey, thanks guys for tuning in. If you found value in today's episode, click the subscribe button and share it with other parents who might need a little boost. Stay connected on our socials by following at No Problem Parents for more parenting tips and get your free download of the 60 ways to respond to your kids without losing your cool. Go to noproblemparents.com. Until next time, remember your confidence comes from embracing both successes and setbacks. So take a deep breath, embrace the chaos, and remember you got this.

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