Conscious Parenting: Parent without feelings of failure, guilt and shame with Special Guest Tania Lopez

Hey guys, I'm Jackie Finneman. I'm a parenting strategist and coach. And after 30 years and with more than 50,000 hours of experience working with kids and families, I promise you there is a solution for your parenting challenges. The key to this parenting gig is to guide and lead your kids with less fear and more confidence. You don't have to know everything to be the expert of your child.

So let's get to the root of what is going on in your home with you and your kiddos. And then we're going to prepare for the worst and change the conversation. Kick fear, worry, and guilt to the curb. You are exactly the parent your child needs and wants, and you are more capable than you sometimes give yourself credit for. I launched the No Problem Parenting Podcast to reach more parents and share the Cliff Notes version on how to solve a variety of parenting problems in the moment as they are happening in your home. Problems are a part of life, and they're meant to be dealt with and overcome. So I teach parents how to turn any problem into a no problem. In this podcast, you're going to find down to earth practical, fun, no nonsense, and sometimes best backwards tips and ideas for how to navigate this thing we call parenting. You're going to learn about resources on a variety of parenting topics and increase your rock star parenting moments.

Since starting the podcast in April of 2021, we have over 150 episodes, more than 140 guests. So go back and look through the episodes and find the topics that resonate with you. And if you want to fast track to my solo episodes, you can head on over to atnoproblemparents.com, click on the podcast tab, and you'll see the 15 episodes or so that I've done just with my favorite techniques and talking about no problem parenting, attachment disorders, remembering the pause, making it right technique, some of my favorites.

So you can head on over to atnoproblemparents.com and find it there. And you can subscribe to our emails as well. All right, for now, Let's get into today's topic and meet our next guest.

All right, welcome back, No Problem Parents. I have a guest on today who's going to talk to us about being stressed and overwhelmed and feeling guilt, like you're failing at the parenting gig. And she's going to talk to us all things unconscious, conscious, and self-conscious parenting. So let me introduce you to Ms. Tanya Lopez.

has. Tanya is a qualified and experienced parent and coach that's specializing in helping stressed out and overwhelmed moms to enjoy parenting. Imagine that we can actually enjoy it even through all the chaos and the problems. Tanya has worked with families for over 20 years.

And for the last 15 years, she's worked as a qualified teacher, delivering parenting, confidence building and stress management programs. She's also a trained counselor and hypnotherapist. We're going to talk a little bit about that hypnotherapy stuff today too. It's very intriguing. Tanya has been featured in several podcasts and radio shows and shares her expertise in the International Strong Willed Child Summit, as well as the Awakening to a New World Summit.

So, so fascinating, Tanya. You're very accomplished. Thank you. Yeah. Tanya loves using all of her skills, knowledge, and expertise to help moms feel more confident and competent.

We're all about that here at No Problem Parenting. And she feels passionate about changing the way that moms and dads and kids are viewed in society and by themselves. So welcome to the show, Tanya. Oh, thank you so much for having me, Jackie.

Really looking forward to this chat with you. Well, me too. And you know, sometimes people don't really understand. I think we understand what like conscious parenting is, but sometimes we don't pay enough attention to the self-conscious parenting.

and we don't talk enough about unconscious parenting. So I'm excited to hear from you and to learn from you a little bit more about, especially about the unconscious and self-conscious parenting styles and what that means with regards to triggers and bringing our baggage along from our past, even unknowingly. Absolutely. And that is exactly what unconscious parenting is.

It's when we're completely unaware that we have triggers, that are our own triggers from our past conditioning and experiences and we don't realize that those triggers are being played out in our relationship with our children and a lot of our reactions that we have with children are automatic and obviously these really impact on on the relationship then now being in being in the unconscious state is quite a powerless state. So what ends up happening is that we blame children or we blame how they are and what they're doing rather than being aware of what's in us that's being, you know, triggered. So that's unconscious parenting. So before we move on to self-conscious really quick, I really like that you bring attention to that when we are parenting from that unconscious place, we are blaming our kids when they're misbehaving or acting out or not doing something we've asked them to do or doing something we've asked not doing something we've asked them to do or doing something that we've asked them not to do and so if you're a parent listening right now and you're you tend to go right to blame of your child this is really an episode you're going to want to stay tuned to yeah so we might move into blame and shame and we don't realize that it's actually our own our own experiences and baggage that we're bringing into that relationship, into that interaction. Right. Got it. Okay. So then self-conscious parenting. Okay. Now self-conscious

parenting is when we're hyper aware of other people's perceived views and opinions about our parenting. And we feel constantly judged and evaluated either as a good parent or a bad parent. And what can happen is when we're feeling self-conscious, we might change what we normally do. So when we're out in public or when we're with other people, we tend to abandon our own views, beliefs, values and principles.

And we also abandon our children and their needs because we want to try and fit into society's way of how we all should be. now again I would say this is a state of powerlessness because we then move into blaming external circumstances for how we're behaving and I would say for sure when we're out in public that is the perfect chemistry set for all our emotions to be triggered we will move into fight flight or freeze states when we feel like everybody's watching us and we're being evaluated either as a good parent or a bad parent usually in our imagination we're being evaluated negatively and the fight might show up say for example if you're in a supermarket the fight might show up when we start shouting or yelling at our children or giving them bribes that the flight might show up we might just leave the supermarket or avoid supermarkets with our children at all costs and freeze might show up as um you know being confused not knowing what to do in the moment almost feeling paralyzed in the moment when maybe your child is having a tantrum and i think it's really worth remembering that when we're in the self-conscious mode we are actually the story maker and the storyteller. We don't know what other people are really thinking about us.

So the feelings that we, that are, you know, that we end up with are actually of our own making and telling. Okay. And so before I get into all my questions about those things, let's talk about conscious parenting. That's the ideal, right? That's what we're aiming for. Yeah. Now conscious parenting is when we strive to become aware of what are we bringing of ourselves into the relationship with our child so I would one thing that I do want to make clear is that conscious parenting is not about being a perfect parent it's just about recognizing which triggers am I bringing into this relationship um what am I currently doing that's not working for either of us and so from that state you're able to make changes without going into self-blame self-shame or blaming and shaming our children and really conscious parenting is not about making yourself wrong and it's also not about making your child wrong either so it's about parenting the child that is in front of us and without letting our past programming come in impact on what we do.

Now the beauty of conscious parenting is this is where we can start changing some of those intergenerational patterns that followed us, that might be following our children and that might follow future generations and I would say hand in hand with conscious parenting what we need to bring in is compassion um and I do think becoming a conscious parent if that's what you're striving to be you're a trailblazer because we have no blueprint for that um you know if you think about how we were parented we were probably parented from a place of you know failure guilt and shame and that's not to blame our parents they were you know they were just acting out the past programming that they had and people always say that there isn't a manual for parenting and there can't be a manual for parenting because it's you know we're not computers even though there's a lot of programming involved yeah right and what's basically happening is that we've had a download from the way we were parented and quite often people saying I want to parent consciously and that can be quite we can do that when things are going well but when things are getting tricky we don't have a blueprint for that so we fall back onto what we learned as children um yeah the experience is because there's that muscle memory in the brain you know I'm flexing my arm right now think of it as a muscle in your brain that so in like you said and when things are going fairly well or at least when you're

feeling fairly well um you can respond to your kiddo more consciously and see the behavior as a behavior not as an emotional attack on you or as an emotional response to you personally yeah so two things that you said Jackie that I want to pick up on that are really important so So one is about how we view children's behavior. And so when we're coming from a conscious place, we're not seeing the behavior. We're seeing the need behind the behavior.

So we're digging deeper. So rather than trying to eliminate a behavior, stop or suppress it, we then try and meet the need that the child is trying to communicate to us. and the other point that you said it's when we feel when when we feel better now a lot of parents say to me you know I know better I should be doing better and I think again we need to go deeper it's not about I know better I should do better is do I feel better in myself to do better and it's only when we feel good that we can start doing better so it's removing those shoulds and I shouldn't be doing this. And removing all of those kind of negative connotations around parenting.

I love that. And on my homepage of my website, although we're updating the website, so maybe by the time this airs, it might not be on there. I'll have to maybe maybe I'll leave it on there. But I do have a little video clip from my presentation, my course, my membership community about how we need to stop shooting on ourselves.

and if you're not feeling self-aware or you're not feeling that self-compassion uh your self-esteem or self-regard is low oftentimes that's when the little should you should do this you should did that i say we need to stop shitting on ourselves but we need to that's an indicator i would say that's an indicator for parents to fill their cup absolutely yeah because a bit like so when it comes to conscious parenting, there are two different parenting that are happening. So one is that you're consciously parenting your child, but you also need to reparent yourself.

And you need to reparent yourself from a conscious state. Right. So if you're feeling guilty, we're going to move into that in a bit, the guilt and the shame and the feeling like you're failing as a parent, if you're going through that kind of thing right now, it's going to reflect on your parenting and you're going to compensate or you're going to respond to your kids from that state of blame or shame or guilt. Absolutely, yeah. So let's talk about failure because I think that follows on nicely from what we've been talking about, especially when we talk about the shoulds, I should be doing better and when we don't feel that we are we start feeling like we're failing at parenting you know I hear about oh I've had another parent parenting fail people seem to be that seems to be the language oh yeah we hear that all the time right epic fail oh epic mom fail parenting fail yeah and really failure I think um you know again it will come from our past programming when we were made to feel like we weren't good enough or we weren't enough and that feeling can really lodge into us um and um when it comes to uh when it comes to failure I always say to people when we were toddlers we fell over hundreds of times and that was perfectly okay At what point did it stop being OK to fall over or fail?

And really, all of that failing is about learning. And the thing with parenting that makes it so tricky is that your child is constantly moving through the different stages. And it's so hard as a parent to keep up with it. Just when you think you've mastered one phase of their development, they're on to a new phase.

and all these new behaviors are popping up and so you constantly feel like you're you know like you're treading water because you can't keep up with them and so you feel like there's lots of failures and I would say there are some failures from which we can learn and then there are other failures I mean I just want to put the word failures in inverted commas they're just a moment in time you know just like when something goes really well we tend to forget about that so quickly we let those moments pass pass us by and really the times when you don't think we've done very well we tend to hold on to them right and so one of what one of the things that I say to parents when it comes to dealing with failure or the feeling of failure is to start becoming curious before you make any conclusions so curiosity before conclusions so start asking yourself questions like um what have I learned about myself would I do something differently next time um and this is a key question to ask can I ask for help do I have to do this parenting gig on my own and do I need to do it perfectly and why you know nobody's meant to do parenting on their own so really it's about if you think about failure there was probably a point in our childhood when failure was filled with shame and it's at that point that we probably stopped being stopped experimenting and stopped getting curious um yeah or just hesitated to make a decision or to to to move forward right because

it's like oh this didn't turn out very well for me and it was super embarrassing and your brain remembers that it seals that in as truth yeah um so it's it's about really now becoming curious um and it's really important that you're curious even if you don't know the answers the more curious you get the more insights you'll get but if we only come to ourselves with conclusions, things like I'm a failure, it really doesn't make room for new perspectives, new insights and new learning. We've closed ourselves off to a conclusion.

I'm failing at this. So I want to just kind of derail this for a minute. Let's see where this goes. But I have a number of families that reach out to me who have kiddos in daycare or kindergarten, and they're getting calls from school or from daycare that they're misbehaving, acting out, kicking, hitting, spitting, or even crying a lot. And so then these parents, working parents are getting calls to come pick up their kid because their child's either inconsolable or just super misbehaved. And, you know, we can work through that and we can get the kiddo back on track. Oftentimes I'll give suggestions to the daycare or teacher, daycare provider or teacher and we can get the kiddos back on track. And then maybe within a matter of months or towards the end of the school year, when transition time is happening again,

the behaviors start popping up again. And oftentimes the parents will call me back and they're saying, okay, what do we do? And how do we prepare for this? But they're often thinking I have failed because we got the kiddo back on track and now look at it's happening again so I've done something wrong I'm not good at this yeah so whenever things get wrong whenever things go wrong we make it really personal we make it about us rather than this is a really tough situation for them to be in transitions are hard and being in new environments being around a lot of maybe different noises lots of sensory issues going on there are so many things that impact on behavior and if only we could get away from seeing behavior as good or bad yes it would be so helpful because actually having that narrative of you know these children are not behaving well um and that just that narrative doesn't actually solve anything it creates more problems for the parents because then the new problem they're dealing with or the constant problem they're dealing with my child is the problem therefore I am a problem and now we've got two problems and really it doesn't need to be a problem it needs to be you know it's needs led how do we meet the child's needs so they can deal with all the different things that are going on in daycare you know in nurseries um so it's not personal to the parent right it's being able to separate and I'm and I'm always saying to parents you know it is about

really separating behaviors from people and really seeing behind those behaviors and seeing the needs of the people yes exactly there is that conscious like don't take it personally but oftentimes parents do and then the guilt kicks in because kiddos at that young toddler stage now you can apply this to teenagers as well. Maybe they're misbehaving on purpose because they know mom and dad are going to have to come pick them up. Maybe they're tugging your heartstrings because they, if they could, they would be, you'd be a stay at home parent and they would be with you all the time and you wouldn't even work from home. You would just be completely focused on their wants and needs in that moment. And so I think that's when parent guilt kicks in because you're like,

I know my child would do better if I were at home. However, that's not always the case, by the way. and uh and also you have to work to earn an income or even if you don't have to even if you're financially you've you know got a two-parent home and you're financially stable you want to because it's your passion and it's what fills you up and it makes you feel better about yourself to work and we shouldn't have to choose yeah absolutely so let's talk a little bit about that parenting guilt then and how do we how do we correct that okay so just before I talk about guilt um is it okay if I talk about shame because that follows in really nicely from failure absolutely we feel so embarrassed by failures so yeah absolutely shame becomes a really big part of that and shame is really personal it's a bit like what I was saying about failure you know I am a failure shame is a little bit like I am a bad parent so it's a lay you start labeling yourself uh feelings of shame probably come from an early experience in childhood maybe we spoke up and everybody laughed or maybe we we tried something and we failed and we felt ashamed for even trying now the feeling of shame can be quite terrifying um and we do tend to go over it in our heads And we can feel so afraid of our shameful secrets.

And this kind of keeps us stuck in that state. I'm sure you've heard of Brene Brown. Yes, yeah. And she speaks to shame really well.

And she has some great TED Talks on that. So what do we do about shame? And I found that with my clients, a really helpful way of dealing with shame is to take an observer position when you're feeling shame. so as an observer you're just noticing the parts of you that experience the emotion of shame so rather than denying the shame just notice it's there and if you can imagine the observer to be the kindest most loving person you know in real life and a lot of people struggle with that so I often say you know it could be a character from a film or a book or it could even be a pet if you're really struggling to think of somebody who would be, you know, this really kind person, how would they speak to this part of you that's feeling shame? So imagine this really compassionate observer and they are completely non-judgmental of you. It doesn't matter what you do, they are not going to withdraw their love and they will not abandon you. They know that whatever you were doing, you were doing your best and they know that your actions or inactions don't say anything personal about you that's just a moment in time and I always say to clients now how would it feel to allow that love of this presence this observer to flow through your body and to reach those parts where you feel the shame and let the love envelope those parts now this is the process of reparenting because quite often when we feel shame we are abandoned

which is why shame is so secretive we live with it on our own that's really interesting i haven't i haven't even i don't know if i haven't thought of that or just haven't remembered it but i i like that you say that shame is um a feeling of being abandoned yeah that something about us is so awful that we deserve to be abandoned and left to you know left to our own left on our own to deal with this and imagine when we were children you know if we were enveloped in somebody's love in those moments when we felt like we'd failed we were we really embarrassed ourselves and somebody actually wrapped us up in their love.

Let's get to the guilt. Guilt. Guilt is less personal than shame because guilt is about our actions, about what we did. And again, you know, I think we are taught guilt from a really young age when we get disapproval for doing something.

Now, I feel in the UK, guilt is a national sport. but I would imagine it's actually an international sport. It happens everywhere. Most people feel guilty for things they're not even responsible for. And the thing with guilt is there is a force of good there because when we do feel guilty, it can drive us to apologize, to say sorry for something we did. We can make amends and we can take responsibility for our part in something and that's so that's something that's good about guilt but when it comes to parenting and we're feeling guilty we tend to overcompensate so maybe you shouted or yelled at your child and then you feel guilty so you give them a treat or you give them extra time on their xbox so basically you're rewarding them for your behavior which you labeled as bad and that's really confusing for a child because of course what we're trying to do is make amends with our children we don't want them to think that we don't like them or we don't love them but the thing with overcompensation it can lead to really tricky power dynamics with children and they feel confused and feel that the power has shifted onto them and as much as I talk about the need to share power with children I think this power imbalance which um arises out of guilt isn't healthy so what do we do about guilt so you can use a very similar process to the one I described for shame which is the reparenting you know the um

kind loving observer but another way of dealing with guilt and this can be really challenging is to not overcompensate, to actually sit with your feelings of guilt. And that can be so, so uncomfortable. So I'm not saying don't apologize to your child, don't make amends. If that feels the right way to go, of course, do that. But it's the action of overcompensation that we need to refrain from. So with guilt, I would say, again, it's really important to ask to get curious um and ask questions so things like what did i need in that moment just before i shouted or yelled or whatever behavior you did um what did i need in the moments before and then what was it that my child needed either in the moment before or in the in while things were actually happening and is it possible to meet both of our needs now the thing is when we move towards overcompensating we bypass the opportunity to make changes so it means we'll be stuck in the you know having a behavior feeling guilty overcompensating children getting confused and that cycle just continues um so although sitting with your guilt can be hard it can be the start of some new conscious behaviors so in the short term overcompensating feels like you're trying to make things better but it doesn't help to actually make changes because so many people say i felt guilty i overcompensated but the next day i shouted again so we can't make those changes through

overcompensating we've got to bring in the conscious if you like the conscious curiosity and try and dig in a little bit deeper which can be you know which can be quite hard work So sitting with your guilt means being curious about why you responded the way you did or react. Yeah. So it's really about digging into your own needs and the dynamics in that situation. So what were my needs just before, you know, steam started coming out of my ears?

Right. What was going on for me before and during what was going on for my child? because maybe they did a behavior that made the steam come out of my ears. So you're, again, you're digging back into the needs and you're really coming at this from a place of curiosity and compassion.

And they're really the drivers for, if you want to move into more conscious parenting. Yeah, I love this. And I actually, I teach for parents that are interested that aren't on my newsletter yet. Just go to no problem parents.com and they'll get you sign up for the emails and you'll get the free download of the make it right technique, which is more genuine than just the I'm sorry.

But yeah, when we do mess up, I love that we can stop and and get curious with ourselves first. What what why did I blow up? Why did I why did I do this? What what was going on with me?

What needs weren't met that I had they been met? I would have responded different. So you can sit and be curious about that. And then go back and make it right to your kids, not make it better.

Just make it right. And I have experiences of that, too, in my program that I teach parents. You know, I called my child a dumbass one day. I was a counselor.

I'm a parenting coach. Who calls their kid a dumbass when you're a parenting coach? You know, anyone can. Because, again, this isn't about perfect parenting.

Stressors happen. Things happen. And sometimes we're just that teapot's about to explode. Right.

And, and we lose it. And when we make those epic parenting fails, rather than calling them failures, just recognize, acknowledge where you were at, and then you can go make it right. Make it up to your kid and then keep moving. Don't keep trying to make it up to them.

Don't keep thinking that this one failure, we learn from failure. We learn from mistake, right? so we can make it right make it up to the kid and then keep moving and that helps us that power differential I love this that you're talking about this because it helps us stay confident in our leadership and model how mistakes can be dealt with and overcome just like problems can be dealt with and overcome and that's what our kiddos learn out of it so they don't have to feel guilt or shame or failure when they mess up uh yeah it's such a humbling process isn't it and and I think it's really important that we do move on that we don't harbor things you know we don't kind of keep going over the failure because the more we play it out in our heads that's what's going to follow us around yes and that is bound to impact our future parenting interactions so we really need to bring in something new in order to parent a little bit differently this isn't about changing everything you do as a parent because everything you're doing is wrong this is just about where do I just shed a little bit of light right into things that could be working a bit better that could be working better for both of us not just for one one party um and really it's you know how do I feel good about myself and confident as the parent yep can I hold my whole compassion for myself even when I've messed up. Now imagine role modeling that for your child.

Can your child hold compassion for themselves even when they messed up? Yeah, this is really, this is a big issue right now with a lot of kids that when they're messing up, they are internalizing that and just feeling depressed and or anxious and depression and anxiety is through the roof right now, which just always surprises me because of how advanced our mental health systems and all the programs and all the coaching and all the things that are available to people. And yet anxiety and depression rates are through the roof. So this, your, your way of, of helping parents and supporting parents by identifying whether it's unconscious or self-conscious parenting where, where they're at in their parenting journey right now is just such a huge benefit. Let's get into before we wrap up today a little bit about how you work with parents and how you help parents kind of deal with and overcome the challenges of either unconscious or self-conscious parenting. Yeah so I love doing this work so I have two things that I do with parents. One is coaching and so the coaching is really about practical solutions to everyday problems and the hypnotherapy I came across because I used to do a lot of inner child work which I really loved and then I decided to combine that with the parenting work that I was doing because I realized that so many parents were saying to me I don't know where my behavior is

coming from so they knew that the way they were reacting to their children wasn't how they wanted to react but they couldn't stop themselves and that's when I started bringing hypnotherapy and combining that with coaching and I think the two go so beautifully together because the the coaching is in the here and now and the hypnotherapy is um if you like putting to rest past programming that is affecting the here and now so you can actually you can parent from the present without all that baggage and all the downloads that you had from your own parenting, which are full of viruses and need updating. And some of the pages haven't been refreshed.

Yes, you can really start parenting from pages that have been refreshed. Yeah, I love it. All right. So for people who are like, what the heck, hypnotherapy, like how does that and how does this work? And you're doing Zoom sessions, you're over in the UK, but you're doing Zoom sessions with, you know, again, Zoom has opened our world. I've been doing Zoom sessions for six or seven years now, but it has really opened up a variety of services to people. It doesn't matter where you live as long as you've got an internet connection. And so you're doing these hypnotherapy sessions with the parent. I am. So I don't work with children. I work with parents. So I do a combination of coaching and hypnotherapy, usually alternate sessions,

or sometimes there might be a little bit of both in a session, just depending on what we're working with. And if you want, I can send you a link for parents to just book a call with me. Yeah. And one thing I am offering at the minute, it's called the Tantrum Solution.

I saw that on your website. I actually made a note to bring that up. You have five bulletproof ways to handle a tantrum. Yeah.

So that's the e-book, but I've got a program. It's four sessions and it's just basically resolving. It's a tantrum solution because from everything that parents tell me, it's the one thing that makes them feel like they're failing at parenting. When their child has a tantrum, either at home or in public, they take it so personally.

It's really like that does seem like a big parenting fail for people. so I have got that and if people book once they've um if they've watched or listened to this podcast I am going to be giving a discount on that one okay good great I can send you a link for people to book a free call with me and then decide if they want to work with me yeah that's awesome so we'll have a link in the show notes for that pre-session and if you have a kiddo that is tantruming a lot this is a really great uh program or I mean again in just four sessions you can help them curb these tantrums, have an understanding of what's going on and how to keep their cool and respond instead of react, which of course is, is key to parenting. So, so yes, I appreciate that.

Real quick though, the hypnotherapy, I just want you to describe the hypnotherapy a little bit, because it's not like you're putting people out into some trance. No, the hypnotherapy can, it feels so different for different people. So some people, they might, they could be in a sleepy state for some people they'll still be talking um so there's talking hypnotherapy and there's also one where you may go into a bit of a trance but you'll be fully aware of everything that's happening right and the whole idea of this is to reset the messages in your mind about maybe a specific situation or event that occurred to you it's like even if you don't think there is something happening from your past that's affecting you now it may not be in your conscious mind but it is in your subconscious mind and call darn if it's not affecting and showing up when you're stressed yeah and um and i think you know some of the conversations have moved on you know if you think back you know to not that long ago actually people used to only talk about children's behavior and you know we had this paradigm of children should be seen and not heard um and then we started talking about the needs behind children's behavior and I think the missing part for me was what's going on for us that we're not even aware of and so many people just say no but I know what I know what affects me but if it's in our if it's out of our awareness we can't be

aware of it and that's the the thing about things that are in our unconscious we're really not aware of them um and it's how to put them to rest so you can parent freely without being held back by all all our baggage and all our past programming yeah exactly so if you're a parent listening right now and you're feeling like when your kiddos are tantruming maybe that's one tantrum after another Maybe you're exhausted from repeating yourself a thousand times.

And maybe you're resorting to bribing or threatening or shouting. I would suggest trying Tanya's program. And again, it's short and sweet and you can get results really quickly. So this isn't a long drawn out kind of process.

But of course, you're always there for them when they do have. Because as our kids grow, you know, like I say this to my clients all the time, too. You can do really well the techniques and the things you're implementing. and then we kind of fall off the wagon for a while because things are going good and then more behaviors pop up and those of us parent coaches out there we understand that that that can happen but um but yeah just it it doesn't mean that you have failed it means your child's developing and they're learning and now we can put some you know more tools in our toolbox to help to help our kiddos learn and i think that's a really healthy way of seeing it that you know kids are developing and learning and as a parent so are you yeah absolutely there is no one manual like you said at the beginning of the episode that's going to just uh oh just do this and now the rest of your child's you know start at three or four and then everything's going to be smooth sailing after that because you have this it's like no there's so many circumstances and so many reasons why so much input from to our kids and to us. So, um, yeah, things develop and change.

Um, well, Tanya, this has been a really wonderful conversation. I appreciate the offer that you're going to give the parents again. We're going to have that link in the show notes and, uh, and I just really appreciate your time with me today. Oh, thank you so much for having me. And I've loved talking to you, Jackie. You're very easy to chat to. Well, thank you. I've heard that Sometimes I get a little too chatty.

All right, parents, that's it for today. Make sure you head over to the website, noproblemparents.com. Sign up to get our emails.

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