Maintaining Intimacy & Connection with your spouse while parenting young children with Special Guest Alexandra Stockwell

Hey, welcome back. No problem. Parents. Today's guest has actually been on the show before.

You can check out episode 46 where Dr. Alexandra Stockwell had shared with us the importance of nurturing our adult relationships by cultivating curiosity with your partner throughout your relationship. She reminded us that we need to treat our partners as peers and lovers, not as children. And she shared a free resource with us about how to spice up your relationship for your partner and yourself. Well, today she's come back on to talk about how to maintain that intimacy and connection with your spouse while parenting young children. So is your relationship with your partner feeling disconnected? Do you feel as if you're just kind of going through the motions and that there really just isn't enough time to connect with your spouse because you're so busy with the kids and work, maybe you've convinced yourself that the spark is gone and you're just never going to get it back. Dr. Alexander Stockwell is on a mission to change the cultural narrative around long-term relationships from one of ongoing stagnation and companionship to the delectable joy and deep gratification a couple feels while building passion and excitement on a daily basis. Known as the intimacy doctor, Alexander Stockwell is a relationship and intimacy coach and an intimate marriage expert who specializes in coaching ambitious, successful couples to build beautiful, long lasting, passionate relationships. She's the

bestselling author of Uncompromising Intimacy, the host of the Intimate Marriage Podcast and creator of the Aligned and Hot Marriage Program. She's been featured in Huffington Post, Rolling Stone, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, Business Insider, Thrive Global, Mind Body Green, Fox News, Disruptors Magazine named her one of 30 inspiring women to watch in 2022. So check out my first interview with Alexandra on episode 46. Welcome back to the show, Dr. Alexandra. I'm super excited to have you back. I'm really glad to be here. You were a guest way back, 100 episodes almost ago, talking about intimacy on episode 46. So listeners, make sure you go back and hit maybe part one of our conversation about intimacy and nurturing your relationship when children are involved. But today we're really going to, we're going to talk about that intimacy and connection with your spouse while parenting young kiddos. Why do you think it's so hard when we have kids to just keep that flame going? Well, thank you so much for that lovely introduction. And I think there really are two elements that I want to highlight. One is, of course, when you're parenting young children, it takes a lot of attention and energy. And so often there are new things that one hasn't done before that require paying attention and giving it one's all. You know, if it's your first child and first they're a baby and not moving, and then you feel

like, okay, I got the rhythm here where we know what we're doing and then they're on the move and then it's a whole new thing and then they start talking. And so with every, I remember my husband, he realized at some point, he's like, you know, every time I get comfortable with the phase our children are in, they go and enter a new phase. So that is something that really, it gets our attention. So that's one thing, which I think is pretty obvious and just how hands-on and also physical it is to parent young children. But the other thing that I really want to emphasize that isn't as talked about really anywhere is that we fully expect to grow as parents, to grow when it comes to our finances, to be making more than we were 10 years ago and to make more again in 10 years. Many people, they live in a home and then expect to have a nicer home, a bigger home until they start downsizing at the other end of life. There just are so many areas where we expect to grow and evolve. And I think we do expect our marriages to grow and evolve in the sense of becoming more comfortable and having more memories together and being more collaborative the more we do life together. In fact, I've been married 27 years and my husband remarked at our anniversary, we were both 27 when we got married, which means now we've been together as a we longer than we were each individuals. And so there's just a kind of

increased companionship that's expected, but that's really inadequate for how marriage is, that if you want to really have a spicier relationship, a more intimate relationship, a passionate relationship through each of the phases of parenting, it's essential to have the culture of your marriage be one which includes learning and growth. I think the biggest downfall for parents of young children is looking at one another or not looking at one another and thinking, I wish our relationship was the way it was before we had children. That is really, well, that's never going to happen. So it's much more important to look at what is this season of our relationship and what can we have in this season that's newly available And then when children are older, what's available in this season?

And so there's a lot to say, but what I really want to convey is that if you think of, you know, you get married, you create a good marriage, and then that's what you sustain, you're really missing out on the juiciness and the nuance and the evolution and growth, which is available. If you embrace that things are going to evolve, then you have the possibility of creating something really fantastic with your partner, even while the children are little and waking you up at night. I love that you say that you're never going to have that initial like spark back, but it has cultivated, we can nurture it and we can evolve it into what it is today. And we can almost just reclaim it. So tell us a little bit about how can we prioritize our relationship,

you know, as we're growing our children and as we're focused on them. Yeah, that's such an important question. And I want to first say that you can absolutely reignite the spark that was there initially. In fact, if you take what I'm about to say, you can have that spark through every season. It's not whether or not there's a spark, it's more what it looks like and what it takes to nurture it.

And so, I mean, I'm quite happy with our spark right now. We have four children. We have two still at home. But it's not that the spark is lost.

It's that how to connect and what that takes is really the thing that evolves. So I think one of the things that's super important is to think about the feeling of being in love. because that feeling includes so much curiosity. Where does that scar come from? And if you weren't in this profession, what do you think you would do? And where do you want to live in the future?

And what were your favorite subjects in high school? I mean, it can be whimsical, it can be travel experiences, thoughts, religion, just all kinds of things. Part of the feeling of being in love is just such fascination with this other person. And then as we're in relationship for longer, and certainly when there are young children born and joining the family, we're really comfortable with our partner. There's a stability and that is wonderful.

I'm never going to advocate diminishing that, but if that comes at the cost of the curiosity, people often talk about freshness, but I really want to talk about curiosity because there's something about freshness that is part of the beginning, but curiosity can be present throughout a whole relationship. So in terms of being really practical, I think one of the things that commonly happens when they're young children is that because both parents are so in the thick of what needs to be done, especially a mother, but both people, you know, baby's crying, did you get snacks? Like there's just such a hands-on, a kind of an urgency and children are not shy in expressing the need for attention in a way that grownups often are not so clear about until there's trouble. But if without diminishing any of your parenting responsibilities at all,

you can bring more curiosity about your partner's experience, that really creates connection and a kind of an emotional intimacy, which when you have time and you've both had enough sleep, makes other kinds of intimacy much more readily available. Or when things are more stressful, if you already have that emotional intimacy, you can navigate things in a much more collaborative way. So to be even more practical, at a minimum, even if it's while you're nursing the baby, Like it doesn't, you don't need to get your nails done and book a nice restaurant and buy a new dress. You don't need to do any of those things. Although if you're in a position to and there's space in your calendar, well, by all means, enjoy. I'm not suggesting not to.

But if you're going to wear a formula or breast milk stained shirt and pajama bottoms and stay on your living room couch, what I'm about to say will work in that context too. And the main thing is just be intentional and make a plan to ask one another questions. there are a lot of different card decks you can get with questions um in my aligned in hot marriage program i in one of the modules there are a bunch of questions it really doesn't matter they can be so simple it can just be what was the best part of this week for you and what was the most challenging part of this week for you if a couple did nothing but once a week they each asked and answered those questions, you would feel so much more connected and like there's this invisible juiciness flowing between you without turning away from what your children need at all.

Oh, I love this. I think sometimes we make things harder than they need to be. And we get so in our head and we think of all the things that aren't going well or aren't working or that we aren't appreciated for, you know, all of that kind of stuff. And so, you know, step three of no problem parenting is to change the conversation. And yes, we talk about that with our kids, but also change the conversation within your relationship with your partner and be curious. And that's part of step three is becoming curious. When we're curious about our partner, we spark curiosity in them, you know, even asking or saying what you need or what you're looking for from your spouse, because sometimes we don't, we don't really know what our spouse is wanting from us other than the to-do list, the daily schedule. What is that one thing? It's not, it's not a day at the, at the spa. Like you said, it could be, but it doesn't have to be stuff like that. It could simply be just asking how your day was. My husband does not like that question. I love that question.

so when I ask him I'm asking because I wish he'd ask me so how about just saying hey honey I would really appreciate it if you just asked me how my day was when you got home yeah and in fact you can even set that up more for more success although what you've just said of course is wonderful but to just say you know there's something that you could give me that doesn't cost anything takes very little time and would really be an incredible gift for me. And it would make a big difference in how happy I feel. Any husband's going to say, what is it? Suspicious that there is such a thing that requires no preparation and no financial. That's right. And it doesn't even take that much time. And then you can say, just ask me how my day was and just listen and say,

oh, wow. Like it's okay to spell it out in that much detail because what I want to head off at the past is not having him ask you, how was your day? You answer and then he problem solves or vice versa. We women are, we're not known for responding with problem solving, but that's actually what most of us do anyway. But the point is that it can be very vulnerable to ask for what we want, but that vulnerability has such a big payoff. If you say, please ask me this question, please listen, and then just comment on one thing that's interesting without any problem solving, you're going to feel like you're not even doing anything, but it's actually going to be the biggest help for me? I mean, it's so simple and yet so beneficial. So fulfilling, I think the curiosity and then even saying, sometimes I'll say to my husband, I just need you to notice this.

And you can use those words. Hey, I noticed that you had a really busy day today. And despite all of the busyness with, you know, your work or whatever, you got all this other stuff done, You know, the house is picked up or you've got, you also ran the kid to sports or you did whatever. I mean, this notice using the words noticed.

I noticed that I noticed you. And you also do a beautiful job in saying that with calmness. So I just want to emphasize that it's not just what you're saying. It's also how you're saying, because if someone waits until they're really frustrated to make this request, wishing that their spouse would have noticed or done it themselves, then it comes out with resentment and blame. And then it's not the very elegant, warm invitation, which it is the way that you're saying it. So if you're feeling pissy, then that is actually not the time to ask your spouse to just ask you how your day was, because what will come through is those emotional barbs and not the very simple invitation for a successful exchange. If you're not getting the response that you want, consider how it felt to receive that request from you, because if you're really annoyed, this is not the way to deal with the annoyance. Yeah, exactly. And, you know,

make no mistake. My husband and I have been together for, what, 35 years, married almost 27, together 35. We have had those pissy matches. I think I've even said to him that I've resented him, which did not go over real well because in the heat of the moment or the stress or when you're bogged down or weighed down. But then the apology and the making it right, I teach about the make it right technique for kids and adults, is really so important later when you're both in a microsecond of a good mood, not when you're all heated up and inflamed and enraged. In those microseconds of a good mood when you both are and it feels awkward and silly and whatever, it is literally a game changer to do things like that. And then to notice each other or out into each other. So I, yeah, I just, I love so much of what you do. What are your favorite things that can help a couple become closer today and more on the same page with their relationship?

Okay. Well, I really can't emphasize enough just asking questions. This is something that I give presentations about often, and I'm still astounded at how couples at various stages of life with really good relationships who aren't looking to fix anything, they hear me talk about curiosity in this way. They go home and ask one another questions, and I get messages two days later.

we just feel closer than we felt in years. So I will give three things, but I really want to emphasize that curiosity and maybe say a little bit more about it. The key is open-ended questions that you're actually interested in the answer on, and then you listen generously. One of the important elements in cultivating curiosity in this way is really that there's no wrong answer.

how was your day it was fantastic it was terrible it was anything and you just look at it as an opportunity not to problem solve not to fix anything but just to know what's going on inside your partner in their inner world so curiosity for sure the next thing which i think is super important. These are not in sequence. It's just the sequence in which I'm speaking them is that the more you know what you want, the better you are to create it. Now, human nature is such that it's much easier to know what we don't want. And so I really would love to remind everybody or say for the first time that in every complaint, there's a hidden desire. Now, when we're stressed out, when we have young children, when we're feeling annoyed, when we're feeling unsupported,

that is not the time when most women particularly, but men too, are going to come up with their desire. They're going to be much more clear about their complaint. But you are so much more likely to create more connection and collaboration and get what it is that you want. If you first of all notice your complaint and then take the time before you communicate anything to your spouse to identify what is the desire in there. And then with as much calmness and love, convey the desire, not the complaint. Because while this is very obvious, we sometimes don't act as though it's obvious that when you ask someone to do something for you, they're so much more likely to do it if it feels good. And if you're just expressing a complaint,

then they will either be defensive or withdrawn or whatever. So it's really important if you want more affection, if you want more help around the house, if you, whatever it is, instead of saying, I wish you wouldn't sleep all day, you instead say, I'd really love if you'd get up in the morning too. And sometimes I could sleep in or whatever it is. Okay. So that's curiosity, identifying the desire, and then really remember that your spouse is not a mind reader. And so you'll both be a lot happier if you say things that you're thinking, like we were just speaking about before. I'd really like if you just asked me how my day is, and then you listen and you comment on something if you want to without problem solving.

And then you just thank me for sharing that with you. That is an example of just saying something that your spouse probably doesn't know. In fact, if you've had a bad day, they're probably scared to ask you because they can tell you're in a bad mood and thinking, well, I don't wanna ask because it's just gonna open a can of worms. They're not gonna know that, yeah, it's going to open a can of worms and then you're going to feel lighter and more available.

Yeah, that's really good. And I think sometimes one or the other spouse won't share their day because they don't want you to problem solve it. They just want to be able to say how it went or what happened or just kind of get vented off their heart for a minute or off their chest. And then they just want it to be done. They don't want it to engage a conversation of, well, if you just did this or you did that, or maybe you should try. It's like, no, I just went through my whole day. I don't want all of that. I just want to get it. I just want to let you know where I'm at. You know, I'm at the point where I used to do this a lot. I don't do it so often, but I still definitely do it. I've done it in the last week or two that when I've had a really full day and I'm not so seamlessly transitioning out of work mode and into family and partner mode, I'll sometimes just say to my husband, can I tell you about my day?

And he'll say yes. And I'll say, okay, I got up and I had an interview with Jackie and da, da, da, da, da, da. And I just go through my list of the things that I've done. And there's something, it's almost like digesting my day.

And afterwards he just says, wow, thanks. And I'm good. I'm not saying that that's enough for everybody and it wasn't always, but just to like acknowledge what I have done. He's not going to know I'm the one who knows.

And there's something about just going through the list and then I let it go. Again, it's sometimes the simplest things. That's all it takes. That's all there is.

There's no catch. There's no hook. There's no worry from your spouse that there's a hidden underlying message or they're supposed to come up with something brilliant to say or do. It's like, no, that's it.

And that would just feel so good. I want to make sure that everybody listening today has an opportunity to go get your book, Uncompromising Intimacy. They can actually download the first chapter for free. And this is a roadmap for intimacy.

So if you're feeling like your relationship's going along just fine and you just want to stay in that place, or if you're starting to struggle or you're really feeling like you're disconnected from your partner, this book is really going to help your relationship to feed it. And so tell us a little bit more about your book. Yeah, you know, I grew up, my parents were divorced when I was nine, my husband's when he was six. And I really felt like I didn't know how to have a successful marriage. I didn't know how to go for it in my career, be a really devoted mother and also have this passionate, intimate, wonderful marriage and uncompromising intimacy is the roadmap. It's what I learned. I tell a lot of stories about ways that I messed up and ways that I now do things, stories about my clients.

And I think people think of relationships as kind of mysterious or overwhelming. And in my book, I break it down into very simple, bite-sized, transformational pieces. I hear from readers who read my book, and a marriage which has been in a tough phase for 10 years, they pivot it. So it really, it's a simple book to read.

and I wrote it with more of a conversational feeling. Like you can imagine me and you sitting down for tea and I share how you can really create more connection, more fun, more passion in your marriage and uncompromising intimacy is the way to go. It's just really, it helps you kind of engage and really figure out how to have the conversations. But by first, like you said, discovering what you want, what it is that you're looking for in your relationship and how, how you can, how you can achieve that, whether or not it was modeled to you in the best way as you were growing up. And I love that you asked the questions about what did relationships look like for you as a child? And just because they were a certain way, doesn't mean that's how it has to be for you. You can, you can literally transform your own relationship and make it into whatever it is you want it to be. Yes. Having a fantastic relationship is a learnable skill. So if you're listening and you don't feel like your relationship is really fantastic,

then get yourself the education so that you can build those skills. And my book is a really easy way to do that. And a lot cheaper than therapy if you're not to the point where you need that yet. So yes, I mean, let's let's intervene before that. Yeah, absolutely. Parents, you can learn more about Alexandra at alexandrastockwell.com. She's on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, LinkedIn, all the places. We're going to have those links in the show notes as well as the link so that you can download that first chapter of Uncompromising Intimacy. Go and get that book and you'll be well on your way, folks. I got to tell you, it's brilliant. So thank you again so much for coming on the show. Thank you. It's really a pleasure to speak with you. And I'm so glad for parents to really prioritize this part of their life for themselves, for their marriage,

and also for their children. All right, parents, be sure to check out Alexandra Stockwell's website. All of the links are in the show notes. You can download that first chapter of her book and join us on July 12th at 1 p.m. Central Time for our roundtable discussion on communication.

and Alexandra will be one of the panelists during that roundtable event. All right, and make sure you take a few seconds to rate and review our show. We appreciate all your support in helping us to help more families via this podcast. Thanks for listening.

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