Heart Centered Connected Communication with Puberty Doula Elvira DiBrigit

Hey, hey, hey, No Problem Parents. I'm super excited. Guess what we did? We hit another milestone. We hit 10,000 downloads of the podcast. That's right. The No Problem Parenting podcast has 10,000 downloads and we are a top 3% podcast and we're climbing in the ranks. So I just wanted to pop on real quick and say thank you to all the listeners and those of you who have downloaded. I know not everybody downloads the podcast that they listen to. And for those of you that did, I just wanted to say thank you. Thanks to all of you who have left a five-star review, who have written a review, who have commented, who have liked, subscribed, followed, and shared the podcast.

If you are not an iTunes listener, I'm not sure how many podcast apps out there allow for reviews. If your particular podcast app does not, then one of the best ways that you can help me get the message out for the podcast and share is just by taking a screenshot and then post it on your Instagram or Facebook stories or create a reel out of it. Just say, hey, this is the podcast I'm listening to. I would really appreciate it, you guys, because when you do that, you are literally helping me help more families. And that feeds my heart and my soul. So thank you so much to everybody for listening, downloading and leaving those reviews. And a special thanks to my boy.

He is 17 and he realized that he hadn't left a review of the podcast yet. So he decided to go in and do that. I had to show him how it's so simple if you're on iTunes to go click on the title, the No Problem Parenting Podcast title, and then scroll down. You'll see five stars. You can leave that five star or click on the fifth star. And then right below that, it'll say write a review. And so you go into there, you can create a pseudo name. You don't even have to use your real name if you don't want to. And you can just leave a quick review. And so my boy just simply said, hi mom, good job, yay. That's his thing, yay. Episode 32 is epic. And of course he thinks episode 32 is epic because I tell the story of how when he was eight, he is the one that got me to see that this was really God's calling. God putting this idea of starting a parent coaching company and serving more kids and families in a different way than my counselor role.

Andrew is legitimately the one who went like, duh, mom, it's God. So go listen to episode 32. Of course, he thinks that episode is epic. All right.

Thanks again so much. And I'll keep you posted on the next big milestone. But for now, let's get into today's episode. Welcome to the No Problem Parenting Podcast.

Turn behavior problems into no problem with Jackie Finneman. Are you ready to become the confident leader your kids crave you to be? Do you want to learn how to make parenting easier and more fulfilling? Whether you are at your wits end or you want to have more fun as a parent, you're definitely in the right place.

Now here's your host, Jackie Fineman. All right, welcome back. No problem, parents. Today I have a special guest on.

I always say that I have a special guest, but all my guests are so special. I'm just telling you, like when I get to know these resources, these people that have such niched resources. I'm like, I got to be in community with them. And my next guest, Elvira DeBrigitte, we were just talking about this, weren't we, Elvira? The power of community.

But Elvira is known as the puberty doula for her work as a parenting coach and teen mentor. I had never heard of a puberty doula before, you guys. Elvira primarily works with moms who feel unprepared to face the challenges as their daughters transition through puberty and adolescence. Elvira is a credentialed Waldorf teacher and positive psychology practitioner who brings over 20 years of experience helping parents connect more meaningfully with their children.

She is currently completing her ICF credentials as a miracle-minded coach under the direct mentorship with Marianne Williamson. You can find Elvira online, swimming in the ocean, or working with her husband and teenage son on the family farm slash retreat center in, guess what folks, Hawaii. I can't wait to meet you in person. Welcome to the show, Elvira.

Yes, thank you, Jackie. It's great to be here. What is this Puberty Doula? How did you coin that name? And tell us a little bit more about you and why you're doing what you're doing.

So I just had this aha moment one day where I realized that what I was doing fit in with the work of doula. I guess because I had met some people who were doing death doula work and I knew people who were doing birthing doula work. Right. The idea of a doula is someone who helps you through one of these big life transitions.

And my work has really been around realizing, you know, like so many of us parents are just so busy and we end up just kind of going through the motions. and then our kids, you know, change and we get caught by surprise. And there's, yeah, just that feeling of, oh my gosh, my child is a teenager all of a sudden and I need help. And I'm a mother of three children, two of whom are now in their late twenties. And so I had that experience of how the teen years can just sneak up on you. And I started a long time ago when I had my third child, my youngest, I started telling all my friends with 10 year olds, you know, that like the end is near. But seriously, I would tell them, you know, that they needed to prepare for the big changes. And, and I've studied human development all my life. And as a Waldorf teacher especially. And so that gives me a unique perspective of like to see the inner changes that our teens go through as they're developing. Male or female, right? Yes. I really, I focus a lot on mothers and daughters, but I have two sons and one daughter. So I definitely help people with boys and girls. So today we're going to talk about improving communication with your tween and teens.

And it really, we got to start at that tween stage, especially when we're talking about puberty and, you know, kind of moving into that, understanding hormones and brain development, and having the talk with your kids. And you use storytelling and archetypes to guide kids through their life transition. Like I said, because I was just realizing it, such a big need for myself. And I just remember, like, even being uncomfortable, having these talks about sexuality and self care and drugs and all the rest of it. I didn't think that I would be uncomfortable because I thought I'm a pretty hip mom in person, but I still felt uncomfortable. So I really want to help change that for people. You know, as a teacher, I really went into homeschooling as a big part of my experience because we lived very rurally. And then I became, I still am working with a public school as a homeschool mentor for parents. And, and I saw there like the relationship challenges that happen because a lot of people homeschool their kids when they're younger, but then when they get to the preteen and teen years, you know, some parents find that that's more of a challenge.

And there were less homeschoolers when I was homeschooling my kids as teens. And so, So, yeah, I just realized like there really is this need for parents and the teenagers, too. I like to work with the parents and the teens. How do we help our daughters navigate that transition, prepare for it, and then have those conversations about it?

Give us some pointers. Well, I love connecting with you and finding out about the three principles of no problem parenting because it just fits so well. I mean, there's, you know, seek to understand first and we can look deeper into understanding about their hormones and brain development and and also just seeking to understand, like asking them, you know, how because sometimes. Yeah, because sometimes the behaviors aren't what they seem right.

They might be snarky or avoided or, you know, maybe defensive, argumentative, that kind of thing. and you're thinking, oh, it's just that, you know, they're just being disrespectful when really there's something more underneath there. Yes, exactly. And a lot of times their reactions are much bigger than, you know, we think is appropriate. And in reality, that would be true, but their brains, you know, are developing so that they don't really have this prefrontal cortex connection very strong or it's developing. So that's why they're overreacting sometimes.

and not able to really analyze our reactions and thinking that we're, you know, really upset when we're not or different things like that that can happen. So, so seeking to understand and really, you know, not jumping to conclusions and judgments, that's a big part of my work. And that, since you wanted to ask about Marianne Williams, and that is where I learned so much from my study of A Course in Miracles and her books, like taking those principles into our parenting just so that we, yeah, we take that extra time, not take things personally and know that we, there could be a change of perception. A lot of times when I'm coaching parents, I help them to, to think about preparing for the worst and what is the worst case scenario? Because a lot of times is not as bad as we might think it is. And to really be okay, letting our teens fail. I think that's a big, important shift for parents because when they're younger, you know, we are like a benign authority. We really should be. I feel like some parents in our culture today need to have more control when our kids are younger. I don't, I didn't give my kids all the choices all the time when they were younger, I made decisions for them. But then as they get to this like preteen age, we have to slowly start, you know, giving them more control, like guiding them. And so asking them, like, what are you planning to do about your homework load that, you know,

rather than saying, like, you need to do your homework right now. So asking them and then letting them fail, because really now when they are a teen in your house, that's the perfect time for them to fail and then get some perspective and help from you. Yeah, I really help parents to kind of change the conversation too, because a lot of times we, you know, we all have the judgmental inner critic that's going on and different saboteurs that, um, that's where like the positive psychology training that I had, like, there's so many ways that we can work on changing our own narrative and then, then it will change our relationships.

So share with us a little bit, um, about your, you have an assessment, you have some freebies, some things that, that moms can go to your website and pull up or moms and dads can pull out the information. Tell us a little bit about your communication assessment. Yeah, that's to kind of look at your parenting style and your communication with your child to see if you're maybe at that shifting point or maybe you're holding on to old patterns that were good for three-year-olds but needing to change. You also have something called the positive monarchy, which tell us what that means. Yeah. So that is the word for your first period, a girl's first ever period. It is a PDF that has some suggestions about how to make it a positive experience from,

you know, either if you're preparing for it ahead of time, what to look for, how to be ready. And then also, you know, even if it catches by surprise, like what are some things you can say and changing your outlook on that. It's a good document to have so that you're prepared, right? And then you also have PDF for parents who are just really looking for a way to boost their relationship with their kiddo. Like they're feeling stuck or they're feeling kind of like they aren't as connected as they could be and kids kind of drift apart from us. It depends on the kid, what age they start to do that, where they maybe start to disconnect or We don't know anything, right?

So you have like this little packaged connected communication resource. Tell us about that. It's really helping us to focus on their strengths and dig a little deeper to really find out how we can accentuate their strengths, how we can remind them and ourselves of our child's strengths and use that in communication so they feel validated. That's such a big thing and such a big need anytime really, but especially that sensitive time of coming into puberty where everything's changing and you don't even know who you are anymore.

So it's just a great way to kind of reset the relationship. How can parents get in touch with you? What's the best way to be connected? Is it the website that's the best way, best first start for them?

Yeah, they can go to the puberty doula.com and they can also find me on Instagram with that same the puberty doula. And, and I have a Facebook group, private Facebook group for moms that really wanting to explore this more. And I offer different talks on there and circle times for moms to get together. And all that is free actually for them to join, right? Yeah. Awesome. Well, thanks Elvira. This has been enlightening and it's a subject that not a lot of people really hone in on and specifically, you know, talking about those pubescent years and pre pubescent years. Right. So you have that really fun niche. It's interesting because, you know, it's been taboo for so long to even talk about things about our body and menstruation in particular.

And, but then even now with people, like some people are having period parties for their daughters and, but even some of those families might not still understand like the four phases of the menstrual cycle and how to be empowered with that information. So, so yeah, I think there's a real need to share this. So thank you so much for, for having me here and helping me share. Thank you for tuning in to the No Problem Parenting Podcast. Join Jackie next time for more tips, tools, and resources that will help you become the confident leader your kids crave you to be. Who do you know that we could support on their parenting journey? Like this podcast, subscribe, share, or leave a review of the show. Your support of the No Problem Parenting Podcast pays it forward and helps us help more families.

Thank you.